Set-Up: First and foremost, this Between the Scenes (BTS) actually goes back to season 1. Up until this point, the scenes in this fic have been in chronological order by episode, but this idea popped in my head when I was re-watching “The Career Day” (1x18) a while back. Secondly, many of us know that there are differences in the production and airing order for this episode. This BTS is written in the context of the airing order, falling between the episodes “The Pill” (1x17) and “Prom Night” (1x19), which means Jackie and Kelso are still broken up (despite that, because of the production order, Jackie is apparently with Kelso in this episode – so just assume they are still broken up). A little Zenmasters goodness, this BTS takes place in the Forman garage after Hyde has a conversation with Red about his mother…you know the scene. *wink* Hyde’s POV, but as part of a personal creative exercise, it is written in third-person limited POV (as opposed to my usual first person).
I couldn't get Victor's voice out of my head. And so today, you guys get to experience it as well. Spoilers begin beneath the cut.
I also wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you! We reached 200 followers today and I never could have imagined when I started that I'd EVER get that many people interested in my work! Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Now enjoy a little bit of pain with me <3
My fitful slumber was interrupted by a sudden crash and the sound of breaking glass from the girl’s room. I shot directly up from bed, hurrying down the hallway in my haste to reach her. My mind was pulled back to that night in the hospital where I had rushed into her room in a similar panic, which did nothing to calm my racing heart.
What I found through that door brought my mind and heart to a crashing halt. Her slight form rested on the floor with blood streaming down her hands and arms, shards of shattered glass clutched in her fists. Though my first reaction was confusion and frustration, pain originating in my heart traveled out through my bloodstream and filled my body. I knelt behind the girl and draped my hands over hers. “Let go.”
When her hands did not immediately open, I caught her up in my arms and held her tightly as she began to squirm, my arms as firmly engaged as they could be while I attempted to pry the glass from her shredded palms. “Do you understand? Let go.” She continued to fight me and I was surprised by her strength. We grappled like this for a long moment, her warm blood dripping down my forearms and onto my chest and thighs.
“You let me go…” she whimpered, her voice strained. She began to flail even harder and it was all I could do to keep her firmly in my grasp. My breathing became heavier from the strain on my muscles and the weight on my heart.
I gritted my teeth against the onslaught of unwanted emotion that rose in my chest. “I will not.” She wouldn’t look at me, which was just as well because I didn’t want her to see the glistening in my eyes. Why didn’t she understand? Why didn’t she trust me to take care of her, no matter what? I tightened my grip, longing to bury my face in her hair. She continued digging at my fingers, but I wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t let go. “Don’t be stubborn!”
Her strength seemed to leave her in an instant. Her weight collapsed against my shoulder and her form began to quake with deep, heaving sobs. Like a volcano whose pressure had built past the capacity of the stony surface to keep it at bay, the girl’s tears and pain burst from her in a torrent. All I could do was hold her against my body and rock her softly, my own breathing becoming unsteady against my will. I’m here, I thought, though I couldn’t make my lips move. I’m here and I always will be. You can always show me all sides of you. There is no reason for you to carry this burden all alone, because I’m here now. I know you’ve had to support and protect yourself alone for a long time. You are so strong! But even the strongest people need support sometimes. You taught me that.
My heart wanted to scream these words and a thousand more like them. But I found my voice incapable of sound, strangled by the emotion that threatened to escape me as well. I struggled to maintain that stony exterior that I had developed to protect myself, knowing that at this moment I needed to be strong. She needed me.
“I just wanted to put the cup back together…that’s all…Why can’t I even do such an ordinary thing like that…”
I dropped down and held her as tightly against my chest as I could manage, not knowing what else to do to help her. I knew that in my arms I held a woman who had pushed herself to her breaking point and stood on the precipice as long as she could manage. Something had toppled the balance and she was falling, but all I could do was throw out my hand and try to haul her back over the edge. Helplessness was not a feeling that I was used to, but it filled every fiber of my being as I clutched the girl to my chest. She continued to sob those heartbreaking sobs until I wasn’t sure if she was even getting any air between convulsions. Come on, take a breath. My legs began to tremble from being in a squatting position for so long. I scooped the girl into my arms and carried her to the bed. My eyes stung but I still did not give in. Instead I distracted myself by checking her palms for any glass that had not fallen when her body collapsed and beginning to wrap her bloody fingers.
She yanked her hand away and turned her back to me, doing her best to disappear beneath the blankets. I sat at the edge of the bed and stared at her still-trembling form, wanting to reach out and stroke her hair. Wanting to heal what was torn and fix what was broken. But as I had lost control of my voice, my muscles also refused to take my orders. At a loss, all I could do was sit in complete stillness as the seconds ticked by like days. Though her breathing did not seem to even out, she appeared to be feigning sleep. I finally regained enough control of my body to lean forward and tenderly wipe away those precious tears. Her face was hot beneath my fingers and I felt my heart finally snap.
I could no longer hold back my grief as I wiped away the last tear and spoke the only words I could manage to form. “Tomorrow is a new day. I will bring back your past self.” I stared out the window, the familiar lights of the surrounding city grounding me as they always did. For a long moment I was pulled away from my consciousness, lost in the lights and the sound of the girl's breathing. When I came to, I finally had the strength to leave her side and close the door gently behind me.
But I could go no farther. No sooner had the door closed behind me than I felt like a barrier had again come down between us. I considered opening the door and returning to her side, wanting to make sure she had not disappeared the moment I turned my back. But the renewed sounds of grief from the room gave me pause. She had obviously waited for me to leave the room before allowing herself to release the further pressure that had built up within her, and I could understand that better than most. So I did all I could do: I dropped silently to the floor and sat with my back against the door, listening to her sobs. They sliced and shredded my heart until I was sure more blood was leaking into my chest than was pumping through my veins.
I am here. For as long as you need me, I will always be here. I will never let you go.
Slowly the sounds of grief softened and stilled. Still I sat and kept my lonely vigil at her door until I was positive she had to be asleep. Only then did I stand on shaky, tingling legs and crack the door open. The soft sound of the girl snoring met my ears and I crept to her side. She was so beautiful despite the puffiness from crying. I resisted the urge to stroke her cheek and merely whispered, “That’s right, sleep peacefully. I will make everything better.”
The shards of glass glittered in the small beam of light that managed to creep through a crack in the curtains. At a loss as to what else I could do for the girl, I gathered up every piece I could find and cradled them in my hands which were still stained with her blood. I glanced at her one more time and left the room not knowing what to do next, but knowing that sleep was not going to happen.
I felt a great need to be higher up. I needed to stand above my problems to see them more clearly, and if I couldn’t do it mentally…at least I could do it physically. I was drawn to the attic where I could look out over the city and be alone with my thoughts. I pulled the ladder up behind me and stepped into the small space. The shards of glass in my hand I placed on the table and turned to look out the window.
What was I supposed to do now? As I often did when even standing above the city could not whisk away my troubles, I found my phone in my hand. I held it to my ear and pulled in a deep, sorrow-laden breath. “Mom? It’s me, Victor. I really need some advice tonight.”
I poured out my heart into the phone, finally allowing the tears that had been strangling me for hours now to leak from the corners of my eyes. I turned away from the window and sat by the table, staring at the pieces of glass as I continued to explain my troubles to my mother. A thought popped into my mind and I smiled, feeling that it came directly from her. I can’t fix everything right this minute, but at least I can fix the cup.
Armed with a bottle of glue and a multitude of shattered pieces, I set my jaw and began the arduous task of fitting the sharp and irregular pieces back together. I was careless, my fingers brushing the sharp edges and seeping my own blood which mingled with the girl’s on my hands. But I hardly noticed. My eyes were focused on the glittering pieces as I continued to tell my mother all about this girl. “She’s so strong, mom. And I don’t think she has any idea how strong she is. She has come so far from the dummy who yelled at me through the hallways of LFG.”
Little by little, the cup began to take shape beneath my hands. The glue filled in the places where small shards had chipped away and gotten lost, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was somehow filling in the missing parts in her life at the same time. Each piece became a memory, sharp and cold in my trembling fingers. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as I worked and spoke and remembered and felt. Almost before I knew it, all the pieces had been replaced and the cup sat in my hand.
At least, a version of the cup sat in my hand. It was cracked and covered in sticky glue, and it would never be the same as it was before. But that is how life works, isn’t it? Sometimes our lives are shattered into a million pieces and no matter how hard we work to put it back together, it will never be the same. “I’m so tired, mom,” I murmured, holding the cup carefully in my hand. “I’m so very tired…”
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was standing in an empty hallway. At least, it was empty of people. What appeared to be miniature models of galaxies surrounded me and I was filled with an intense sense of loneliness. I began running down the hallway, only to find that it had neither a beginning nor an end. I ran and ran, my breathing becoming ragged.
I called out in despair and suddenly found myself sitting next to my mother. She smiled at me and held my hand. “My little boy,” she said, her voice full of warmth. “You’ve grown into an amazing young man. I’m so very proud of you.” I could feel her hand brushing my hand and my eyes fluttered open to see that someone really was there. The girl’s teary face filled my entire vision and I reached up to wipe away the glistening drops. One by one I allowed them to drip down my thumb instead of her precious face. “What are you doing here?”
My voice was hoarse, though I was unsure if my own tears caused it, or if I had been shouting in my sleep. “I found my past self,” she told me, plastering a big fake smile on her face. It was so ridiculous that I found myself taken aback, and then slightly embarrassed. I looked away and shook my head.
“That smile is…acceptable,” I replied. The girl laughed and I felt a small amount of weight lifting itself from my heart. I much preferred that smiling face to the tears, but I was perfectly willing to take both in my arms.
“Victor, I think I understand. What you said was right, tomorrow is a new day. Lately my emotions have been all over the place. I’m sorry! This time, I really mean it. I won’t keep going like this.”
She seemed so earnest. I looked into those clear eyes and somehow felt that their sunlight was burning away the clouds in my heart. Despite my own pain, I felt the corners of my lips beginning to twitch. “Can I trust you?”
“I’m not crying wolf this time!”
I chuckled inwardly. The girl was so easy to rile up…I raised my eyebrows teasingly, but chose to say nothing more. “Here,” I said, handing her the cup. She accepted it and looked at it closely, holding it like a delicate treasure. She thanked me and complimented my handiwork, and though I knew the compliment was facetious I couldn’t help but brighten. “It wasn’t easy.” I stood to walk away, my lips holding back the rest of what I wanted to say. I took a breath and willed them to speak, finally getting out the words. “I know you’re worried about something. Don’t underestimate yourself. And don’t underestimate me.”
With my back straight and shoulders back, I returned to the main floor of the house. We would make it through this. Just like the glue and glass were both needed to reform the cup, together we would reform the world.
about 'I told you he's an angry sleeper - like a bear': it's the first of these comments that imply the relationship between Dean and Castiel is so much deeper than we have seen on-screen. [...] the implications, the familiarity between these two in this episode is just off the f*cking charts.
