#bijemma

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bijemma replied to your post “Do you think John gets annoyed/jealous of Zari’s phone? Maybe he takes...”

the justin mcelroy energy on this post

thank you for understanding my craft

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#jewishparentproblems (transcribed from crazyjewishmom)

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i’m not ready. sure you are.

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sara/amaya and make it extra gay

“Oh, you know,” Sara says. “My last surprise was a pet canary and my dumbass parents put it next to the AC so she died, so you know. I hate surprises.”

The woman raises her eyebrow. “You are... talkative,” she says, not bothering to look up from the gun she’s holding across her lap. 

“Were you looking for the quiet one?” Sara says. It’s kind of lowkey crazy sexy, that she’s the one with her gun out and this woman is just sitting totally chill on the edge of her bed, the kind of chill Sara’s always worked at but never really been able to put her finger on. “Because the older Lance is out of town.”

“Either’s fine,” the woman says, tracing her finger along the narrow neck of the gun barrel. “This is nice.”

“Gift,” Sara says.

Her brown eyes flit upwards, regarding Sara with a sort of snobbish level of apathy. “From?”

“Okay,” Sara says, not lowering her arm. “Let’s start this again. Hi, I’m Sara. You’re in my hotel room. What’s your name?”

“It’s really more of a motel than a-” The woman (and she’s been saying woman, but how old is she? Like twenty?) purses her lips. “Hi, Sara. I’m Amaya. I’ve been asked to kill you.”

“Nice to meet you, Amaya” Sara says. “Why’d you change your mind?” 

“Who’s the gun from?” Amaya says.

“Like, my girlfriend or whatever,” Sara says. “Why’d you change your mind about killing me, Amaya?”

“You like women,” Amaya says.

“I prefer women,” Sara corrects. “I also like men. That’s two on me. Why aren’t I dead yet?”

“And she’s your girlfriend?” Amaya says.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Sara says, putting her firearm away, walking to the edge of her bed and snatching up her gun. “Not exclusively. So did you spare me because you want to bone me, or were you trying to bone my sister, or like, what’s the deal?”

“I’m looking to defect,” Amaya says, folding her hands in her lap. “And yes. I would’ve preferred your sister.”

“Then why are you so interested in my chest?” Sara asks.

For the first time, Amaya shows just a flicker of something, and ha! Bitch. “Your shirt’s tight.”

“Wow,” Sara says. “I’m sorry, can I just ask, are you like, eighteen or something? You look like a very sexy baby.”

“You find babies sexy?” Amaya says.

“Do you?” Sara accuses.

“You’re the one who just-” Amaya pinches the bridge of her nose. “Please call Laurel Lance.”

“Strip,” Sara replies.

Amaya’s eyes widen. “Excuse me?”

“This could be some long con,” Sara says. “Put all your weapons on the bed, take off all your clothes, and put on one of the towels in the bathroom, and keep your hands where I can see them. Then I’ll call my sister.”

“There are other ways to see me naked,” Amaya says.

“I’m aware,” Sara tells her. “And I sure will enjoy that when we get there, but for now- Strip. Chop chop. Also. Pizza?”

“I’m not hungry,” Amaya says.

“Okay, whatever,” Sara says. “But you should tell me now because I’m ordering by the slice, and I’m not sharing.”

Amaya considers it, bending down to unlace her boot. “Like, one slice. With olives.”

“Ew,” Sara says. 

“Ew you,” Amaya replies, wedging her shoe off her foot. “Are you always this antagonizing?”

“Yes,” Sara says. “God. I bet you probably secretly like anchovies.”

“Maybe I do!” Amaya says. “You’re the only hit woman in the world who stays at a Super 8.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being budget savvy!” Sara says. “Okay, you know what? Shut up and take off your clothes so I can order pizza. Fuck.”

“And call your sister,” Amaya says.

“Are you still on that?” Sara replies.

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legends + seder anything aka a legends passover for all my tribe and non tribe followers out there 

- honestly the fact that now martin has a big family to actually have like, a real family seder with and not just go to a friend’s for passover or just skip the thing entirely is what kicks this off. that and the fact that he’s been hiding afikomens for three weeks leading up to passover was probably some clue. 

- mick is the one who always finds it and is like oh cool. more secret matzot. and then eats it

- stein: THIS IS LILY’S FIRST PASSOVER sara: she’s 26 stein: THIS IS LILY’S FIRST PASSOVER

- honestly we’ve got like, ray (in the comics), the steins as a family unit, felicity, and went + peyton are both jewish so the snarts, and i like the HC that cait’s jewish so she can come too but like. it’s them and the legends. and laurel + mari. and nate’s mom.

- felicity: i wanted to have a seder in star city but god said to me if i invited oliver to a passover that he’d un-passover all of us, and i don’t know what that means but i don’t want to risk it. also i brought kugel

- okay so i found out recently that apparently non-jews get drunk on manischewitz, and guess what lisa’s mission tonight is

- lisa to sara, rip, jax, kendra, carter, nate, amaya, and mari: oh yeah there’s like, barely any alcohol in it. you can have as much as you want!!! --- mick is not included in this bc he’s been married to len long enough that he damn knows better --- nate’s mom also knows better. thanks nate’s mom --- laurel clearly abstains from all alcohol, and lisa very nicely gets her ginger ale when she asks. also lisa is trying to bang laurel but aren’t we all

- honestly at my passover we all just use like, a children’s haggadah, and i could absolutely see stein doing that as well bc like come on, he’s fun reform jewish dad you know he’s got the 10 plagues as masks + fingerpuppets and has someone play the guitar to dayenu, which again, only 5 people know the lyrics to and everyone else is, god bless them, just going for it

- sara who’s now had about a bottle of wine on an empty stomach, pulling out a lighter at the end of dayenu: YES!!! FREEBIRD!!! 

- stein who sat lily and jax next to each other, you know, for reasons, and lily watch jax getting smashed off his face and lily finding it really endearing 

- mari, now kind of drunk: so like- is nate my grandfather? what’s the deal with this. he’s so smooth. like a baby seal amaya: he is very smooth, yeah nate, weeping: you GUUUUYS

- len + lisa have been sneaking mazot through the entire seder. wait to eat? bitch in who’s house

- len + lisa + mick also do a very good rendition of let my people go

- a very drunk carter: now listen, i may have been prince khufu four-thousand years ago but i just want to say- all: it’s good buddy, it’s fine, just don’t you finish that sentence

- ray and lily exchanging embarrassing bar/bat mitzvah stories while kendra laughs hysterically --- lisa lets it slip that she never had a mitzvah --- len: well here it goes lisa: here what goes len: oh you’ll see --- stein yelling NEVER HAD HER BAT MITZVAH? WE CAN FIX THAT.

- nate’s mom at some point: nate i’m just so happy you have so many friends. and a girlfriend! --- nate, drunkenly pointed to mari: and a granddaughter --- nate’s mom: wait what --- drunk mari: I LOVE YOU GREAT GRANDMA --- nate’s mom: I LOVE YOU TOO

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do the newsroom

YES DEFINITELY 

1. sloan sabbith

2. rebecca haliday

3. leona lansing

4. mackenzie mchale

5. maggie jordan

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probably too obvious buuut "You miss 100% of the bank robberies you don’t commit" + fdtd squad

1. You miss 100% of the bank robberies you don’t commit

--

“Seth,” Kate says, insistent over the roar of the alarm. “Seth.” 

He looks at her, shoving her behind him as he pulls his gun from its holster. “What?!”

“I just wanted,” Kate seethes, curling and uncurling her fingers. “To deposit a fucking check.”

“Come on,” Seth says, shooting out the first camera on his right. “The opportunity was right there. This place is understaffed, not too busy, it’s early enough in the morning-”

“Oh shit,” Richie announces, somehow procuring a sawed-off shotgun from some place on his person. How he got into the bank with the alarms blaring and the doors SUPPOSED to be locked is, well, one of life’s mysteries, Kate supposes. “Are we robbing the bank?”

And Scott, who had been dicking around with the pen chain in the far corner of the bank, lets out a huff and decides to lay down on the carpet.

“No,” Seth says, gesturing at Scott with his gun. “No, get up, we’re doing this as a team.”

“I don’t know him,” Scott tells the teller, wide-eyed behind her counter. “I’m being held hostage.”

“Scott fucking Fuller, get off that goddamn carpet right now,” Seth says. “I’m warning you.”

“Seth,” Richie says. “Seth. Seth.” 

“What, Richard?!”

“Should I start-” Richie waves his shotgun in the air. “Like, taking money or some shit?”

“Yes, Richard!” Seth says. “Christ!”

“Well I don’t know!” Richie shouts back. “You’re the one that started it!”

And Kisa, who also just walks in through the goddamn front door, holding a coffee, says, “Oh. What did you people do?”

“THIS IS A ROBBERY,” Seth announces, over Kisa sliding her sunglasses back over her face. “OKAY? YOU’RE BEING ROBBED. SCOTT IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT CARPET-”

“I just got a text from Freddie,” Kate says, holding her phone in one hand and her gun in the other. “He said, ‘Just heard about robbery. Is it you?’”

“Don’t respond,” Seth says.

“I said yes,” Kate tells him.

“KATE,” Seth says.

“SETH,” Kate yells back.

“RICHARD,” Richie yells, firing into the air.

Seth gives him a look.

“No one likes to be left out,” Richie says.

“I do,” Scott says. “I would love to be excluded from this narrative.”

“SCOTT!” Seth yells. “WHY ARE YOU STILL ON THE CARPET?”

“I didn’t get anyone else coffee,” Kisa says. “I’m glad about that, now.”

“I hate this fucking family,” Scott says.

“Join the club,” Seth tells him.

“I’m sorry,” the teller says. “Do you people want like- Money?”

Kate looks at her. And shrugs.

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can we please sort the s/v characters with their appropriate batfam characters bc jules is batman/bruce wayne but from there ophelia is way more batgirl/oracle than she is robin and harris is kind of oracle kind of commissioner gordon? and then evan seems a lot like tim drake/red robin and kennedy is- ??? like kennedy needs a role obviously and then which rogue is nate bc he's too polished to be the joker but not moral enough to be two face

this needs answers people