#bipolar journal

[justasensitivesoul]

No matter how hard I try recently I cannot get away from my sadness.

[justasensitivesoul]

I can’t believe how selfish people can be. Sometimes I am ashamed to be human. I find love and innocence through nature and animals.

If I want God I don’t look at humanity.

[justasensitivesoul]

I can spend half a year trying to rebuild myself after being broken for so long, yet just one little hurtful comment can break me back down to nothing…

[justasensitivesoul]

Carbamazepine (Tegretol) crew.

[mxlynncizii]

So much is changing in me and somehow I’m not feeling the need to tell stories or do music lately. Not in a sad way, I’m actually calm and I feel good about what’s to come, maybe is just the mania, but I feel like I have projects that can end well.

I feel bad about leaving my biggest passions behind though, I still don’t know how I’ll deal with that.

[schizophelia]

March 16th, 2016 Journal

So I spent the past week in the psych ward because the voices told me to bad things in order to appease them. I won’t mention that here because I’m not proud and that past is behind me now. While there, we have to attend groups. Groups such as education groups on depression, anxiety, and mood disorders. Groups such as group therapy, art therapy, education groups, relaxation groups. I think that’s all. If I forgot any, they probably sucked.

While in hospital, we did a med change. I went from 20mg of Abilify to 1.50mg of Risperdal. We were supposed to decrease the Seroquel XR  in hospital, but I guess my doctor changed his mind. Which is fine because the voices were bad at night anyway. We also switched the Restoril for Imovane. It helps me sleep a lot better. My Lithium levels were good too according to the numerous blood tests I had so that’s good too.

Also, while in hospital, I caught a nasty cold from my sick roommate. I was in quarantine both yesterday and today and because I was sick and since I wasn’t attending groups, I was able to come home sooner. I have a nasty cough, a runny nose, body aches, a headache, and I spiked a fever. So I’m not feeling great physically. I’m drinking lots of water and fluids to make sure this cold doesn’t last long. Now that I’m home, I can take cold medicine to help as well. I have to be careful to avoid Advil because apparently it can spike my lithium level or something like that. I was tired when my doctor came to see me today. Apparently I looked extremely pale as well.

People always ask me if my doctor is a good one and I have to always say “yes.” He actually listens to me and makes good notes so that my other members of the team can get informed. This hospitalization, he wanted to put me on Latuda but there’s a certain calorie count that you need to have. When I told him I hardly ate, he listened and found a different medication that worked best for me. I’ve been on Risperdal for a week and everything has died down quite a lot.

My diagnosis still hasn’t changed. Still have bipolar disorder and psychosis. He believes my psychosis was stressed induced, but I don’t feel stressed or tense or anything of the sort. Maybe he’s still trying to put together the pieces, maybe he’s still not sure. Either way, as long as the medication is dealing with the symptoms, I’m okay.

Over the weekend, my parents had come to visit me. We went to Walmart and went out to eat. Then we came back to the hospital and sat in the TV room and talked. I tried to tell them what was going on, but they tried to invalidate everything I was saying with religion. It made me feel awful because it’s not like I asked to experience psychosis. I think my doctor was planning on calling them to explain it all, but I’m not sure if he did or didn’t. Either way, don’t make your daughter feel like shit by joking about their illness.

Tomorrow is my younger brother’s Birthday and he’s in Quebec to celebrate with his friends. He made it safely, thank god. He’s turning 18 tomorrow and 18 is the legal age to drink there so his friends went to go party over their March Break. I just hope they remain safe and make good decisions. Also, he’s terrible at French so hopefully he fares well.

I’m so glad to be home and in my own bed. hopefully the cold I have goes away soon because it sucks being sick. I’m also glad to have my computer and my phone so I can Tumblr and say in touch with friends. I really missed everything. I even missed Peanut a lot. He’s so cute.

Well, I’m ending this here. So there you go.

Meds: Risperdal 1.50mg Lithium 900mg Lamictal 100mg Seroquel XR 350mg Imovane 7.5mg Seroquel 50-100mg (PRN)

[schizophelia]

March 5th, 2016 Journal

Today I: mostly slept the day away, watched an episode of Skins (UK) Series 6. I talked to my friends on Tumblr and on Facebook. I actually kind of ate today. I stressed about my appointments on Tuesday and Thursday because I know I will be hospitalized either way. The hard part will have to be honest and let them help me no matter how much I don’t true people.

I’m worried if I do go to hospital because I hardly eat, they’ll force me to eat. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t trust people who make food, or the dishes or utensils. So I’d have to ask for plastic silverware if they make me eat. I also worry about being attacked. You can’t trust many people nowadays and anyone there could be dangerous. I’m afraid because I get agitated really easily and really extreme. I get violent and nasty and fear about being restrained. I fear I won’t sleep at nights or that there is nothing my doctor or nurse can do for me. I fear I’m a helpless person. Please don’t invalidate my fears.

Tomorrow I’m going to a friend’s house to make homemade mac and cheese because we wanted to for a while now. So it’ll be Taylor, Becca, Jay and I and we’re going to hang out and have a dinner together.

Meds: Lithium 900mg Lamictal 100mg Restoril 15-30mg Ativan 0.5-1.0mg (PRN)

Antipsychotics Abilify 20mg Seroquel XR 350mg Seroquel 50-100mg (PRN)

^These will change this week due to failure.

[schizophelia]

March 4th, 2016 Journal

Today I went grocery shopping, went to my mom’s house to get some paperwork sorted out. I spent most of my time on Tumblr, but that’s okay. I’m doing okay. The voices are quieter today, or maybe because I was distracted because they are here now.

A few days ago, I confessed to tumblr of something not so good and I have to say that I’m sorry if I triggered anyone. I don’t think I’m in the right mind at the current moment and I just wanted to say that I don’t approve of anything self-harm related. 

So everyone thinks I need to go to hospital to keep safe, but I really don’t want to. I can almost guarantee that I will be admitted sometime this week. Since I see my nurse and my doctor, I know one of them will want to see me in hospital so I can keep safe for now. Plus, I need a medication change that needs to happen soon because the disease is progressively getting worse.

There’s my effed up journal for today.