I went back to light rolling October 2018. Not consistently, but I returned to the mat at that time. Welcomed back with open arms, excited to get back to what I loved at the beginning of the year, only difference was I now knew I wasn’t invincible. I knew from the beginning the risks of joining a contact sport, I signed a waiver, I knew I could get really hurt, I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon and I didn’t expect my first injury to be as serious as it was.
Yes I didn’t need surgery, which I honestly think I’d be better off if I did. I see people get ACL surgery and they’re better off 4 weeks after than I was. Someone went in and repaired their damage, no one went in to repair mine. I was advised if I dislocate my knee again I need surgery because at that point my ligaments are too stretched. It’s frustrating when I’m explaining how my knee isn’t great and I get told “well you didn’t need surgery it’s not that bad”. I’m comparing my bad knee to my good knee. My bad knee feels twisted if I turn on the balls of my feet, my knee feels pressure if I bend it and bring it to my chest, my knee feels like it’s going to pop when I kneel and sit on my heels. My quad is still weak, which is my fault for not spending more time to increase growth. But no one ever talks about the mental healing. People only mention the long road of physical healing, the hardest part of this is mental for me.
The thought of stepping on the mat terrifies me and also brings me excitement. I want the love I had for the sport back. I want the motivation I once had. But what people keep forgetting is, I was injured and while I’m walking normal again, people don’t consider how different my knee feels to me. It easily feels twisted from time to time with sudden movements, it easily feels pain when I walk a certain way. I’m not sure if my mental state will improve until my knee feels more sturdy. I’m not sure if it ever will really be completely normal I’ve been told the knee will never feel 100% because it was injured. But no one ever says if the mentality will ever be 100% or how to get it that way.
I’m frustrated. I’m upset and it gets hard to constantly share that because it has been over a year and people just expect everything to be okay. I’m trying. It might not seem like it, but I’m trying to mentally get better. I wish I could feel invincible like I did back in April of last year, I wish I could have the same passion I did, but this mental healing is kicking my ass. I guess that’s the frustrating part about fear, it keeps you hostage in your own head until you learn to overcome. Only problem is not knowing how to overcome the battle in your own head.
