She Does BJJ

Just a girl on her journey & encouraging others to train.

[shedoesbjj]

THE STIGMA

I haven’t posted much on here and that’s mostly because how can I post about how she does BJJ when in reality she doesn’t?

2020 started off with a bang and not the kind of celebratory, new year new me, positive mentality that most go into a new year with. I had all intentions of going into 2020 with that mindset, usually I’m a very bubbly person, but bubbly people can fizz out too. This bang came with negative emotions, uncontrollable self doubt, constant mental battles of whether to cry or not, share my feelings or not, overthink or not. I have been going through a battle for the last 2 months. Being depressed you don’t want to do anything more than you need to. I go to work, but that’s it. I have no motivation to do anything productive and physically rewarding - such as Jiujitsu.

I am in school for nursing and due to lack of funds I couldn’t afford class for the spring semester. I think all of the negativity stems from that. Feeling not productive mentally, feeling like a loser, feeling stagnant, feeling no sense of reward or productivity on reaching those goals. That started a downward spiral just fixating on all the negativity I could. My body isn’t good enough. I’m not mentally good enough. I’m not successfully good enough. Etc. Anxiety of getting injured again. Anxiety of grappling with people I don’t want to, the anxiety of hurting someone’s feelings if I deny a roll. The brain is a hell of an organ, it can create the biggest scenarios out of the littlest things.

I made a goal the beginning of the year, a resolution if you will, that I would make it to class MINIMUM one day a week. Which is an improvement since I go on 3 month hiatuses. I made it 2 weeks before my depression kicked in. 2 weeks! Each day is getting easier and easier which I’d say is a big win.

I am going to be getting financial aid for the fall of this year and all next year. I have a plan of something to keep me mentally busy and feeling successful that I’m considering starting. I started doing little at home workouts just to get some endorphins and in turn will get my body moving, always improving! I have started to break up the clouds and see some sunshine.

Getting back into the gym is still a mental battle. I haven’t quite mastered the fear of that. The anxiety that comes with it is just something I need to figure out how to get through. Not hurting people’s feelings because it’s me dealing with an injury at the end of the day no one else. It’s learning to trust people on the mat again. Learning to put the injury in the past and use it as a learning curve. Learning that this might be one of those fears that never quite goes away, but instead can at least become manageable. Once I master that I’ll fill you in. Until then it’s one day at a time!

[shedoesbjj]

The Frustration of Fear

I went back to light rolling October 2018. Not consistently, but I returned to the mat at that time. Welcomed back with open arms, excited to get back to what I loved at the beginning of the year, only difference was I now knew I wasn’t invincible. I knew from the beginning the risks of joining a contact sport, I signed a waiver, I knew I could get really hurt, I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon and I didn’t expect my first injury to be as serious as it was.

Yes I didn’t need surgery, which I honestly think I’d be better off if I did. I see people get ACL surgery and they’re better off 4 weeks after than I was. Someone went in and repaired their damage, no one went in to repair mine. I was advised if I dislocate my knee again I need surgery because at that point my ligaments are too stretched. It’s frustrating when I’m explaining how my knee isn’t great and I get told “well you didn’t need surgery it’s not that bad”. I’m comparing my bad knee to my good knee. My bad knee feels twisted if I turn on the balls of my feet, my knee feels pressure if I bend it and bring it to my chest, my knee feels like it’s going to pop when I kneel and sit on my heels. My quad is still weak, which is my fault for not spending more time to increase growth. But no one ever talks about the mental healing. People only mention the long road of physical healing, the hardest part of this is mental for me.

The thought of stepping on the mat terrifies me and also brings me excitement. I want the love I had for the sport back. I want the motivation I once had. But what people keep forgetting is, I was injured and while I’m walking normal again, people don’t consider how different my knee feels to me. It easily feels twisted from time to time with sudden movements, it easily feels pain when I walk a certain way. I’m not sure if my mental state will improve until my knee feels more sturdy. I’m not sure if it ever will really be completely normal I’ve been told the knee will never feel 100% because it was injured. But no one ever says if the mentality will ever be 100% or how to get it that way.

I’m frustrated. I’m upset and it gets hard to constantly share that because it has been over a year and people just expect everything to be okay. I’m trying. It might not seem like it, but I’m trying to mentally get better. I wish I could feel invincible like I did back in April of last year, I wish I could have the same passion I did, but this mental healing is kicking my ass. I guess that’s the frustrating part about fear, it keeps you hostage in your own head until you learn to overcome. Only problem is not knowing how to overcome the battle in your own head.

[shedoesbjj]

Life Changed With A Throw

When I finally found my gym and knew these people were going to be my new family, I couldn’t wait to start training. I went to my first tournament with my coach and was so excited and ready to train for a competition. The empowerment I felt just watching these people give it their all, to put all the hard hours on the mat to the test, the energy in that room, it all made me excited for the plans I had last year. That’s the funny thing about plans, sometimes they don’t always go according to.

I will never forget the date : Wednesday May 9th 2018 to be exact, I was in our Women’s Only class and we started the rolls. I rolled with a few ladies then my final roll was with a new student. We were standing, I grabbed her to throw using Osoto Gari, she tried to throw as well, our legs interlocked, and then my knee decided it would look best on the side of my leg. I didn’t feel pain but I kept saying it hurt (the anticipation of pain). My coach called 911, and the worst pain I ever felt was having them lift my leg up while my knee was still dislocated. The game of the night was deciding how to get me on the stretcher since I was most definitely NOT going to move myself. Luckily I’m in a gym with some smart guys, they used my Gi to lift me on the stretcher and off to the hospital I went. X-Ray was done, advised I had a “sprain” will be fine in 3 days. My coach met me at the hospital, I told him I’ll be on the mat next week, asked how to not let this happen and he said “sit”. Ya girl had heart.

The next day I couldn’t walk. I showed up to work like normal, luckily I work across from an orthopedic because I needed to be seen ASAP. The Nurse Practitioner came in and during her evaluation she assumed ACL tear. My knee was inflamed, there was instability, and poor ROM. I was sent for an MRI and had to wait a day of anxiety to hear whether I was getting surgery or not. Thankfully I did NOT tear my ACL. Instead I tore my Medial Patellar Retinaculum. The part of the knee with ligaments that allows the knee to get pulled medialy when contracting the quadricep.

I didn’t know that there is a series of mourning an injury. I went through all the stages. I was upset, I couldn’t hold my leg up, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t contract my quadricep. I was depressed, my goals for the year were crushed, my leg looks deformed, and I couldn’t do what I wanted. I was angry, what if I just sat like I did with everyone prior that night, why did this happen to me. The only way I got through this process was with my coach guiding me through those hard times, I don’t know what I would’ve done. Eventually I accepted what happened and started pushing to rehab. I was relying on a crutch for 6 weeks. Couldn’t drive for a month. And I didn’t feel comfortable with jogging for months. My leg is still not where it should be. I haven’t been building muscle, my knee still doesn’t feel great but I’m told it will never be 100%. The muscle atrophy messes with me, the anxiety I have about going back to JiuJitsu is very real, I no longer feel invincible.

Everything can change in a second, accidents happen, it’s important to make sure you know what you’re doing when you’re in class, it’s important to care for your teammates and it’s important to know your limits. If it hurts, tap. If you’re not sure, don’t do it. Be kind to yourself and your teammates. At the end of the day it’s all for fun.

[shedoesbjj]

Who is She?

My name is Lizzie and I wanted to give a little about me to help you understand why I chose to train Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and what the sport means to me. I get asked all the time why I would choose a sport so male dominated, a sport where you “roll around” with guys twice - three times my size, why I chose a sport with a high injury rate, and why I didn’t simply take up dance. The answer you might be expecting is “she likes UFC” or “she’s trying to find her husband in a gym” believe it or not there are ladies that their main task at hand is flirting with the guys in the spandex outfits. None of those answers are correct, and what I’m going to share I’ve come to accept and I am able to talk about a lot better than I used to. 

Take you back 14 years ago to a young adolescent girl hanging with her friend after school one day, and that friend thinking he had the right to take the adolescent girls innocence and safety away. To spare the details I was assaulted that day and that day changed my life forever. I didn’t realize how big an impact that day had on my life until I was older in High School and started having anxieties, depression, an eating disorder and all around felt like I couldn’t control things. That feeling of safety was no longer there, the feeling of having my life under control was not an option, the only thing I could control at that time was food. I chose not to eat much of it and chose to go on the treadmill 2 hours a day. The experience I went through caused me to have to grow up a little sooner, I had to understand there are bad people in this world and that bad person could be your best friend, a family member, a neighbor, that person could be anyone and I was on high alert. 

As I got older, out of high school and into college I had high anxiety around men. I’m a small girl, I saw what a guy could do, I saw that I didn’t know what to do I couldn’t stop anything from happening. That's when I started hearing about Ronda Rousey, I watched her fights, I read her book, I looked up to her because she was a woman in a primarily male dominated sport and she was kicking serious ass. Thats when I found Jiu-Jitsu. The idea of learning how to defend myself when I’m in close quarters with someone I don’t want to be with, learning how to use someones body against them, their clothes, learning how to dislocate joints and choke someone who was in a position of dominance if I was on my back. Learning things that had 12 year old Lizzie known, could have made a difference. 

I tried a facility out a few years back and just didn’t feel like it was the right fit for me, I got discouraged because I knew I wanted to learn this sport, I had such an attraction to it I felt like I was meant to learn. Then a new local gym opened up and it was small, it was new, and the owner was friendly every time I messaged with my hundreds of questions. I was nervous, a piece of me was scared to “roll around” with guys, not sure if it would trigger anything, not sure how comfortable I would feel. I decided to try his Womens Only class first, the class right after was with the guys and girls, they had an odd number and I was convinced to stay. That’s when I fell in love with this facility. The guys cared about teaching me, they were caring, funny, and non-intimidating individuals. I found my family. I came to find out that my small size is actually beneficial in different ways when it comes to this sport, the sport was made for small people. Size doesn’t matter (well maybe a little). 

I am always posting about why women need to join the sport, and I’m sure people don’t really understand why I push for women so hard, but this is why. You never think you’ll need to know how to defend yourself from an attack until you’re placed in that situation and you realize you can’t fight. Had I known even the simple move of shrimping, I could have pushed him away from me, punched and kicked and ran. Could I have known how to trap him while I was on my back I could have made him unconscious with enough time to run. In this day and age with so much violence on women, so many assaults, I have such a strong passion to get women involved with Jiu-Jitsu. 

I know people have worse stories than mine, I’m not looking for any pity, I’m not looking for any attention, I’m simply looking to encourage women to try something new, something that could save their life. Self defense classes are cool and all, but taking a 2 hour self defense class will not save you. You will not retain what you learned if you’re attacked. You need muscle memory, you need to have practiced the movements repeatedly and against someone who's bigger than you. You need to train. 

So this is my chance to share my journey through this sport, to share my experiences from every end the good and the bad. My way of encouraging women to join the sport. Men as well because violence happens to every one. I hope I can impact at least one person to try the sport out and to fall in love with the sport I am in love with.