i woke up with such an extreme love for claudia its weighing physically on my chest. claudia.... her following lestat at night and discovering his white mistress. how many nights btwn then and the truth bubbling out of her did she hold her tongue and watch the devil sweet talk her darling mama ;-; the way she immediately lets out this awkward guilty laugh after she says it with the realisation that theres no way to dig at her father the way he digs at her witihout hurting her mama. her entrapment!!!! we took it from her. we cursed her!! louis -- whose childhood we likewise catch brief glimpses of in vignettes of (obvious) disempowerment: threats of psychiatrisation (against paul; extending always potentially to him), vyes for power(/masculine hegemony specifically) in height charts, snatch the piece of candy back from the barber when youre seven years old. be the man in the different suit -- has this understanding of her curse being vampirism because thats what it was for him in its (limited) power forced upon him that does not provide a promised escape out of his racialisation and is a constant source of dysphoria but claudia wld never resent (limited) power or freedom she resents the never-ending state of child vampirism she is enduring. lestat tells louis that he alone under the rising moon can strike like the hand of god and that pig looks claudia down seconds before she murders him and asks where the little girls parents are!!! wowww so there really is no domestic refuge away from societal terrors vampirism or no vampirism. the social placation of marriage does not afford louis the ability to be all the beautiful things he is because his husband allies himself with racist jim crow society against him; 'lifting' claudia out of poverty does not protect her frm endless (sexual) predation from uncles or the policing of her person because her exploitation as a young, Black girl is no longer just expected at large but codified within her new, tight family unit. i think to how she really does embrace lestat and louis' relationship as a model for a happy life in their early years -> i wanna know what his laugh sounds like when its all the way i wanna know how tight he holds you when he dances i wanna know what his tongue tastes like. (an interaction taking place while charlie remarks that he never imagined a Black family would live in rue royale, how he only sees it as a labourer in service to the white middle class of new orleans, how claudia shouldn't be out without a parental escort.) all behaviours theyve performed in front of her as a married couple in love. how quickly this unravels. bruce imposed over lestat. courtesy demands that you, when you are a guest, shall show neither annoyance or disappointment no matter what happends. listening to her mama get silently and politely raped by her husband nightly before, during and after displays of love <- how do you not go insane. lestat demanding she return home silently and without rebuke as the prodigal daughter. its all so sick. her fantasy of happiness really did burst.
