#blake-wyatt

[wild-aloof-rebel]

Moira + things she calls Patrick

[wisteria-lodge]

@blake-wyatt​, what are you doing hiding this heartbreakingly beautiful little ficlet in the TAGS??????

***

#I have feelings about Crowley after Jesus’ death. It really shook him.

#he spent 4000 years as an unchanging hermit who occasionally braids his hair but shows his snake eyes and doesn’t really seem to mingle

#then jesus dies and he loses the last bit of faith he had in the Great Plan

#he’s done with the heath done with the people there done with the romans too

#he cuts his hair and covers his eyes (which I maintain is a rejection of his role in the great plan and the great balance) 

#he moves to SCOTLAND 

#wilderness and magic and cold and barbaric

#he starts getting things he likes. things that represent not the devil but /himself/ - snake jewelry. silver trinkets.

#then one day head office calls and he has to go to fucking rome. imagine. living up to 40 AD in scotland and having to go to the EMPIRE CAPITAL

#he’s having a terrible day. it’s hot. he misjudged the style. he hates the drinks.

#rome is abundance and opulence and cruelty and sin. and sure it’s fun but where’s the fun if the humans do it all on their own? 

#he wants to have a drink and fuck out of there

#and then aziraphale shows up. with oysters and restaurant and smiles.

#and sure it’s still a hellhole but oh he’s used to it and he doesn’t have lunch dates in hell

#so he stays. plenty of politicians to tempt. actually: plenty of things he can PRETEND to be doing.

#for the first time he can just take credit and /no one notices/.

#but he still misses the British Isles.

#you might say he could’ve tempted aziraphale into moving.

#lots to do up there. great opportunities. some kings and queens to guide and inspire. 

#and then he can finally breathe again.

[letteredlettered]

What do you think of Patrick asking David about his high school experience and then wondering what would've happened if they'd met in high school? And David sort of deflecting but also very wisely telling Patrick they crossed paths at the right time? That conversation haunts me but I can't really pinpoint why.

It haunts me too! I can pinpoint why, for me!

David does say he did not feel like a cool or popular kid in high school; we can imagine him as many things, but I imagine him as very self-conscious and incredibly awkward. Candy raver is certainly a . . . choice, and the choice suggests to me someone who a) wanted an identity, because candy ravers have a lot of accoutrements that say instantly “this is who I am”, b) was desperately seeking attention, because those accoutrements are extremely loud, and c) was seeking acceptance and love, since the generally philosophy of candy ravers is love and unity. The identity, attention, and acceptance all suggest to me someone who was trying really, really hard to carve out a definition of himself that was separate and distinct from his parents, lifestyle, and upbringing.

Given said accoutrements of candy ravers and David’s current sartorial choices, you can guess he is pretty embarrassed by how he looked then. But you can also guess he’s embarrassed by the awkwardness and desperate bids for attention and general social flailing. Thus, the deflection.

But the reason that little exchange haunts me is I feel like David knows he couldn’t have loved Patrick then. I feel like David is not always the most self-aware, but that he does know that he didn’t know who he was then, and that he was trying things just to try to fit in somewhere and be somebody. And I feel like David thinks that if he had known Patrick then (and let’s just suppose David is thinking about them being in high school at the same time, even though the age difference is such that they would not have been), he would have used Patrick to try to define himself. And I feel like David doesn’t even know--possibly because he doesn’t want to think about--what form that use would take, but he knows it would not have been healthy. I think that David feels he was not capable of a healthy relationship at that time.

Maybe he would have tried to use Patrick to upset his parents--look at me slumming it with this small town nobody--and that would have hurt Patrick. Or maybe he would have tried to show Patrick off--look at me with my smart cute baseball theater A+ boyfriend--and Patrick would have felt used. Or maybe David would have cheated on Patrick because he would feel he’s not good enough for Patrick. Or maybe David would think he was too good for Patrick and never notice him because he was just some dorky nobody. Or maybe Patrick would have to witness David’s drug abuse, or alcohol abuse, or--other things.

And all David’s problems aside, the world David lived in is not a world he would ever want for a young cute smart high school Patrick. Like David doesn’t want to imagine Patrick at the parties with the mixing bowls full of E; he does not want to imagine producers trying to seduce Patrick and teen models trying to blow Patrick and agents trying to get Patrick addicted to cocaine. He wants to imagine Patrick safe and happy in some small town doing normal high school things--normal high school things being some combination of Ten Things I Hate About You and Bring It On, except Patrick wasn’t a cheerleader, but David hoped it was like that.

So idk, I feel like it is painful for David to imagine a world in which they met in high school. It’s painful for David to imagine Patrick in that world and it’s painful to imagine Patrick knowing his former self. It’s not like David thinks the world of himself now, but I think he does feel like he has a much better sense of who he is. That sense of self means he feels strong enough and capable enough and loving enough to look after Patrick and Patrick’s feelings and not hurt him, and I think that David thinks that he couldn’t do that before. It’s such a beautiful sentiment and so sad.

[leupagus]

blake-wyatt replied to your post: You know I complain a lot abut gatekeeping...

HOW DID I FORGET OMG. I haven’t thought about it in years. Extraordinary.

Some people reread all of Austen every year, or the Lord of the Rings, or every Rider Haggard book or whatever. I reread this.

[bugcosmos]

blake-wyatt replied to your post: what are your thoughts on the 1941 scene in Good...

AND I also believed that was the scary moment he thought ‘oh. I…/want/ him’ - I don’t necessarily mean sexually, as ace representation of a/c are absolutely valid. But where want eventually ends up standing for 'if I had to choose between having heaven or having you, I’d pick you’ and he does.

YEAH!!! exactly!! oh you are so valid

[bugcosmos]

blake-wyatt replied to your post: what are your thoughts on the 1941 scene in Good...

I love this answer! I have always thought aziraphale always vaguely thought ofc he loved crowley, he loves all living creatures! So he didn’t realize it was a different kind of love until 1941, when he also realized crowley loved him. And then it clicks…oh…It’s…more. like a lightbulb turning on…or wings catching fire lol

yes yessss exactly! :D 100%!!!

[murphels]

amnesia is like, one of my absolute favorite fic tropes, I read them for all the fandoms I'm in, I can't get enough of them

I've been thinking about it all day at work and I thiiiink I might try writing one

[shannananan]

blake-wyatt replied to your post “also i have no idea why i find it so funny that they just nOPED Ted...”

I've watched so much downton abbey that I spent a full minute convinced his plane was gonna crash and when moira got the call I genuinely went 'ALREADY?!'. What a tense dramatic minute. Also bless ted forever.

THE TRAUMAS OF TELEVISION. I didn’t even think of that but so true. We’ve been scorned before. Ted better make it to the Galapagos in one piece.