#bleach crack

[kisses-in-the-void]

[shamelessinnerbeast]

5th Division Mayhem

So I saw McWalter.

And also..

"Bébouuuuuuu !!!" (in french in the text, it's some equivalent of "baby" but in a comical non necessarily connoted way)

[aarcanechaoss]

I had a terribly funny Bleach thought / idea

And for the purpose of this idea we’re just gonna pretend Kaoru is my only bleach OC

We know at least in the Serireitei they have computers and of course there’s the phones and shit they use to track hollows etc.

So we’re going to assume they’ll eventually decide to keep up with human technology while still using shit they know.

Anyway yeah computers exist and now soul smart phones that’s the gist.

But I’m not done

Someone, some young soul reaper’s perhaps, even some random people they’ve met all around Soul Society heard about a fun little thing that humans do called Fanfiction… and decided to give it a go

About the Soul Reapers they know of- Captain’s Lieutenant’s etc.

Eventually others find it, some think it’s weird and others dive right in too….

Eventually the poor Captains, Lieutenants + some find out.

MENTIONS SMUT

Scene

Kaoru is sitting in Zaraki’s office with Yumichika and Ikkaku just figuring out their new phones and making sure they all know how it works (let’s be real Yumichika and Kaoru already know but they’re helping Ikkaku and Kenny out) and lets say Yachiru is off on one of her adventures.

Yumichika, the poor man, screams and goes rather pale.

“What the hell is this!” Followed by “My eyes are burning.”

“What’s gotten into you?” The Captain grunts.

“Yeah what’s wrong with you?” Follows Ikkaku.

Kaoru however pries the device from his hands to see a page called “Fanfiction Society.” She frowns and scrolls down the page.

“Oh.” Her hand covers her mouth as she reads on. “…what did you even search for find this?”

“My name.” He says dramatically.

“And you somehow found a ten-k word story about you and-”

“Don’t say it out loud.” Yumichika gags. “I’d never do such depraved things with a brute like him.”

“So you read enough to know how … oh … would that position even work with two guys?”

“What the fuck are you reading?” Ikkaku looks appalled.

“Something called Fanfiction.” She taps away at the search on her own phone while throwing Yumichika’s back- said man was still gagging. “Fanfiction… stories written about people, fictional or real some include reader inserts and others original characters… poor Yumi here just found one about you two.”

Kaoru was trying so hard to keep it together as Ikkaku’s eyes bulged.

“I would never.”

“Oh look someone wrote something cute about your friendship aw.” She says now scrolling through the site. “It’s called Cross my heart- the third and fifth seats of squad eleven have known each other a long time… but just how did they meet let’s write our own story.”

Zaraki looked both incredibly pissed off, bored and amused all at once. How? She couldn’t tell you.

“Why the hell would anyone write that?” Yumichika pouted.

“I dunno- oh hey look there’s a whole tag on the Captains…. Oh even creepazoid Mayuri has some gross.”

“Why are you still looking!” Ikkaku exclaimed.

“Curious.” She shrugs before a snort rips from her. “Damn they got me too.”

“Oh this’ll be good.” Yunichika’s gagging seemed to have stopped at least.

She scrolls further, electing to not say mention the number of threesomes she’d just scrolled by not only with Ikkaku and Yumichika but apparently whoever was writing these - howlingforakiyama was the name she saw the most- decided she needs to be sandwiched between Captain’s Kyoraku and Ukitake…. Or have her legs over Captain Kyoraku’s shoulders…and have her head between Soifon’s thighs… another with Yumichika and even more Shunsui Kyoraku x Kaoru Akiyama (she did not want to know what dual wielder sword play meant).

A moment later and she choked, dropping her phone into her lap as a snort ripped from her.

“What is it now woman?”

“It would never work.” She said between wheezes, shoulders shaking as her arms wrapped around her belly.

It was Yumichika’s turn to glance at her phone though warily before he also burst out laughing.

“Woman.” The Captain grunted.

“Captain you’re a joy but I- hahah- I would never.” She choked the words out through her full body laughter. “I’d never sleep with you I- HahahHA.”

“The fuck does that mean?” He growled out more confused than annoyed.

“You’d fucking impale me.” She takes in a ragged breath.

The man blinks- and she thinks this is the first time she’s ever seen him look so… confusingly normal.

“Impale?” Ikkaku looks flabbergasted.

“I am five-foot-three and he is six-foot-six.” She sucks in a breath. “I’d die.”

“Oh my… there’s quite a few of you with each of us and more with Captain Kyoraku.”

She snorts again. “Please don’t click on the dual wielder sword play tag I don’t want to know what that means.”

Somewhere across the Seireitei.

Shunsui sneezes. “Man a beautiful woman must be thinking about me.” He says before scrolling his phone and thoroughly enjoying his new reads.

[1ncorrectbleach]

ugly af  original vid credit to fsriko65 on IG

[my0vershareworld]

𝔾𝔼𝕋 𝕆𝔽𝔽 𝕆𝔽 𝕄𝔼

Pairing: Szayelaporro Granz, Nnoitra Gilga, Coyote Starrk, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez X GN!Human reader

Genre: Crack, Headcanons, Platonic.

CW: None

Requested by Anon: Hiii can you do headcanons for Szayelaporro,Nnoitra,Starkk,and grimmjow who have a friend that runs to hug them and tackles them like how Nelliel does with ichigo please 🙏🏻:)

A/N: WAHHHH I LOVE THIS ASK SO MUCH ACTUALLY???

Szayelaporro Granz

he does not like you fucking startles him whenever you hug and tackles him like that. but is not like he mind it.

he just kind of wish you stop but at the same time he kind of don't.

your warm hug gives him some of his most vulnerable moment.

but every time you tackles him specifically from behind..he will fall down to the ground flat on his face most of the time. and you ended up getting him angry at you the whole day.

Nnoitra Gilga

you startles him. badly. he thought an enemy did a sneak attack on him and almost kill you a few time at first.

he always yell at you and tell you to stop every time you tackles him like that.

he don't even know what to do when he's in your bear hug. he wanted to escape yet your warmness and softness of a human skin is making him melt and make his arms weak. he never been treated so soft and tender yet so harsh like this before. he loves yet hates it.

every time you tackles him he'll just try and take you off of him and is pretty easy since..he's tall and a giant compare to you. he'll just pull you off easily like a bug.

he'll just look at you like 😐 whenever you tackles him like that

Coyote Starrk

when you hugged him he just stays in your hug. no matter if you're actually choking him and he can barely breath in your hug. but that's fine.

when you tackles him into a hug he'll just fall flat to the ground. he won't even get up. he just let you hug him on the ground like that.

he likes your warmness when you hug him so he..fall asleep so easily in your hug.

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez

this man is so on high alert and so fucking animalistic he fucking punch you in the face when you tackles him from behind like that. he does not appreciate that sudden shit. he even call you an idiot for doing that in the first place knowing he's like a wild animal.

when it comes to hug he'll probably try and pry your hands off of him. NO TOUCHY TOUCHY GET OFF OF ME. he's a cat really.

he'll chase you down a few time when you tackles him and scare him too badly.

but when he started to get use to it he still try to pry you off of him every time but he just more soft with the claws prying.

[ulquiorrapleasecallmetrash]

Where's My Super Suit?! But with the Bleach Captains and Lieutenants.

Thank you so much for this request and sorry for the lateness of this. I guess this is more coming out around Halloween? Lol, that's okay Halloween is the best holiday anyways. I laughed so much at this request and I had so much fun writing it! I chose the captains and lieutenants that would give off this energy. But if you want more you can always ask for a second part! Hope You enjoyed this and thank you so much for the support! 💓💓💕💕

_______

Kenpachi Zaraki

Kenpachi Zaraki was ready. He had found out about Ichigo Kurosaki visiting the soul society just an hour ago. Somehow, something switched in Kenpachi's brain that he was ready. It happens every time Ichigo comes to the soul society. It was like his brain had switched automatically every time he sees him. You knew this for as long as you knew him. Now that you are with you knew how to think ahead of him. So you took the initiative to hide his Zanpakuto right before the day you two planned your anniversary date.

"s/o, where's my Zanpakuto?"

Your eyes widened, you had a feeling this would happen that's why you hid it from him. "What?" You pretended you couldn't hear him to buy some time to think of something up in case he would freak out. "s/o, where-is-my-Zan-pa-ku-to?" You could that he getting more irritated, hearing things getting knocked over and his anger slowly building up. "I put it away." You simply yelled out to him. "Where did you put it?" He yelled back, he was becoming dangerously angry by the minute. You were also becoming even more impatient with him as well. "Why do you need to know?" You snapped back at him, "Kurosaki here! Now give me my Zapakuto women!" That did it. You slammed the bathroom door open, entering the living area, where he stood. You both glared at each other, you couldn't believe him at this moment in time. "All you think about is Kurosaki this and Kurosaki that! Can't you think of anything else besides him?!" "You don't understand s/o! I have to fight Kurosaki." He said urgently, throwing more stuff around the room. You laughed out loud, exasperated by his unhinged attitude. "Oh hell no! You and I are going to battle each other here in a minute!" "You tell me where my Zanpakuto is women! I promised Kurosaki that I was going to battle the next time I see him1 This is going to be the greatest battle that we both will ever have!" You couldn't help but laugh, is he serious right now? "Greatest fight?" The greatest thing you ever have is me! Now if you don't be quiet, stop throwing shit and take me out to dinner right now I will smack you so hard I will knock those bells off your head." Kenpachi's eyes widened, he turned towards you aghast by what you had said to him. You threw his hands up in defense, "Alright alright, I'm sorry. I'll take you out." He chuckled at you, giving you hug and kissing you on the forehead.

____

ikkaku Madarame

Ikkaku had heard about the intruders that had sneaked into the soul society but unfortunately, for him, he was in the middle of getting ready for a date with his s/o. He heard a crash from several feet from where they were lived. Out of habit, he begins to look around for his zanpakuto. "Babe, where is my zanpakuto?" Your eyes widened from the other side of the room, you were also getting ready for this date as well. You knew he was going to be pissed but hell, you had to hide his Zanpakuto. He always had to fight everything that moves and it always pissed you off. Now you got rid of his distraction for the night and there was nothing in the world that will make you both not go on this date. "What?" You said to him, feigning ignorance. "Where- is- my-zan-pa-ku-to?" He did not sound happy but you had to tell the truth to him. "Oh, I put it away." You were waiting for him to explode with anger...any minute now...

"What?! Where in the hell did you put it?!"

"Why in the hell do you need to know?" You snapped back at him.

" I need it!" He yelled throughout the room in outrage.

"No you don't! I am sure captain Zaraki can handle intruders all on his own! we have been planning this dinner for a long time and it will not be ruined all because you want to get into ANOTHER fight." "This fight is to protect the soul society!" "This date needs to be protected!" "You better tell me where my Zanpakuto is women!" Ikkaku yelled out at you. Now you were really pissed. "The only thing that is worth protecting is me and our relationship! Now get over here or I will choke you so hard You will start growing hair!" Ikkau clenched his fists, biting his lips to shut himself. He knew how you were when you were like this. "Alright... fine. You're right." He muttered to himself, then he gave you a sincere smile. "Yea, I'm always right." You smiled back at him.

____________

Renji Abarai

Renji Abarai was worried about the world of the living.

It turns out that there were so many hollows appearing out of nowhere and it had begun to become dangerous to the innocent people of the world of the living. "Honey, where is my Zanpakuto?" Renji yelled out, looking frantically around it like he doesn't have a date that he needs to go to in about thirty minutes. " I can't hear you! " You said across their home. " I said, Where - is-my- zan-pa-ku-to? " Renji yelled out. you knew he was so worried but you couldn't understand why he is so worried about the world of the living. They have tons of other soul reapers that could assist the world of the living so why have him go and do it? Especially since he had the day off from fighting hollows. "oh that, I put away for this evening." You said, putting on your set of earrings, shrugging nonchalantly. "Where?" Renji asked panicked, still. You rolled your eyes at him and scoffed. " Why do you need to know? " "I need it!" This was getting ridiculous, and your patience was running way too thin. " No, you don't! You don't "need" a sword on this date! We have been planning this dinner for months! " Renji faced you, grabbing you by the shoulders, making you look at him as he practically pleading. "The world of the living is in danger! I have to go and help!" You shook your head, still keeping your ground. You don't care, you two are going on this date and that's final. "You're the only one that is going to be in danger if you keep asking for that damn Zanpakuto!" " You better tell me where my Zanpakuto! We are talking about saving other people's lives! " He exclaimed, furrowing his eyebrows with annoyance, "Saving other people's lives? The only thing worth protecting and saving is me! Now let's go before I have to drag your pineapple-shaped head out this door!" You were scary and he knew there was no way he was going to get out of this any time soon. It's a good thing that you both loved each other.

---

Requests are open

[goatbi]

you know what i think would have been funny? if Uryu, instead of hiding his whole plan from everyone, went in there with the barest fucking face. Like he still left out of nowhere, and the others saw him up there and were like 'Uryu no what are you doing???' and he just looks over at them and goes 'oh hi, im gonna try to assassinate Yhwach Bach, wish me luck guys'

Does this to Yhwach's face too like 'I want you dead god-man' and Yhwach has to find SOME REASON To like, pretend no it's fine, Uryu's just like that, he's joking, he's lying, it's fine, and Uryu's right behind him, still his heir, like 'no i want him dead, no ifs ands or buts. I want him to die. Completely serious.'

and just, puts Yhwach into this position that like, he has to find a reason to pretend Uryu's trustworthy, while Uryu's out here like, planting bombs in front of Bazz-B, no hesitation, like 'yeah no, this is going to kill Yhwach I hope.'

Like nothing changes, Yhwach still brings him and makes him his heir, but this time around, Uryu is flat out, to his face 'i want you dead'

[dopepoisonivyoncrack]

The Sternritter vs. Being called "daddy"

Uryu to Jugram: Daddy

Jugram: Are you running a fever?? I'm calling the doctor

Bazz to Askin: Daddy

Askin: *skin crawls* *chills run down his spine* *face twists in distaste* *slowly moves back to put distance between* maybe he should stay away from Bazz for a while, preferably until he grows up or sees a therapist

Bazz to Jugram: Da- D-...Dj-...DJUg-... Dju- Spring onion! I CAN'T DO IT!!!

Yhwach *gets called "daddy"*: Why yes, I am. >:]

Bazz *gets called "daddy"*: hUH?!! Did you hit your head, or…?!

Gerard *gets called "daddy"*: *laughs* *picks them up and starts spinning* ha hAH, wanna play?!! WHOOP -

Mask de Masculine *gets called "daddy"*: eEH? what did you say? Want me to be your daddy? I'm gonna put on my best performance! *starts flexing* Special Daddy Edition! [It's like being given a free Amusement Park Show, really. He may buy them candy]

Äs Nödt *gets called "daddy"*: [Leaves.]

Lille *gets called "daddy"*: *straight face, calm voice* That is not possible, I don't have children.

NaNaNa *gets called "daddy"*: Sorry, man! I'm not into that stuff!

Pepe *gets called "daddy"*: Ge Ge Ge! Come to daddy! Yess M- [CENSORED]

Robert *gets called "daddy"*: *sigh* I'm getting too old for this.

Quilge *gets called "daddy"*: Looks like someone needs a spanking

Nianzol *gets called "daddy"*: Bitcheth be weird but ok.

Cang Du [Not available thanks to having the personality of an ice soup]

Driscoll [Not available. Sorry]

Loyd/Royd [Not available. No idea how they are when not imitating others]

Gremmy [He is basically a child.]