the podcaster!kaiser special - ブルーロック
summary ᧔࿔᧓ kaiser has been seeing things that is testing his patience. why is it that the sports world is being completely tainted with love and relationships? and why is it that all these soccer players are bringing it to reddit? kaiser needs some answers. check out his podcast; “The Blue Rose Blooms Again.” (+ smau bonus at the end)
content ᧔࿔᧓ smau/typed, crack crack crack, suggestive, cussing, manga spoilers, dark humour, inc*l behaviour, might be ooc, DEAD DOVE LEGIT DEAD DOVE, fem!reader
guest stars ᧔࿔᧓ YOU 👀, bunny iglesias, vivien hugo, julien loki, sae itoshi, teddy knight, + yoichi isagi, alexis ness
M.K | welcome back to all things simple and concise. My podcast. Tonight’s a special kind of night, where I’ve taken the liberty to talk with the person who dated not one. . . not two. . . but three New-Gen 11 stars. Y/N L/N.
The camera had pointed to Y/N, who was smiling professionally. This was an alleged moment of one of Michael Kaiser’s several cracks.
Y/N | Hello.
M.K | Would you consider yourself a slut?
Y/N had widened their eyes, completely unprepared for the instant vulgarity.
Y/N | Oh. . . No?
M.K | Oh yeah? Well. . .
Kaiser had waved a hand, a signal Y/N was completely unaware of. And with the wave of his hand, a member of the production team brought out. . .
Vivien Hugo.
He took a seat on the empty chair next to Y/N.
M.K | Hugo.
V.H | Kaiser.
M.K | Ever since seeing your Reddit post I never felt more disappointed.
V.H | We all have our paths to walk. Just because us two have different paths doesn’t just mean you can justify having the reaction you did.
Y/N awkwardly sat there. Kaiser was visibly furious now, while Hugo was blinking blankly.
M.K | Shut the fuck up! Just tell this piece of shit here that they are a slut.
V.H | Oh. . . you.
Hugo’s eyes visibly darkened when he looked more in Y/N’s direction — a reminder of their past relationship that ended after he discovered Y/N’s secret collection of porn.
V.H | You. . .
Y/N | —Okay, what’s this all about?? To just slutshame me on camera? That’s misogynistic as fuck!
M.K | Shut up! It doesn’t matter if the person is actually a slut. In which you fucking are.
Y/N had sat up abruptly, slamming the desk. Kaiser got up and did the same. Hugo sat there, merely two black holes for eyes
Y/N | You damn prick! I’ll end your life!
Suddenly, the tension had shifted dramatically upon the gut churning appearance of Julien Loki himself, who appeared to be uninvited. No one dared to say a thing, since his aura was that paralyzing.
Y/N, Kaiser, and Hugo turn their heads to him.
J.L | Everyone! Stop!
M.K | How did you get in the studio?!
The tension in the room was at an all time high. Michael Kaiser’s veins were throbbing at his temples, Vivien Hugo looked at Loki with wide eyes, and Y/N had their face in their hands.
J.L | I came to warn Hugo this is a bad idea.
V.H | Julien, I do not understand?
Kaiser was livid, his teeth clenched and face red.
M.K | Loki! Get out of here before—
J.L | Kaiser, please, close your mouth. Now, Hugo, allow me to propose five facts to you that I hope will be of use for you to understand you have to leave.
V.H | And that is?
The eye contact between the two Frenchies sizzled like ironed waffles. Kaiser was frozen. Y/N was now staring with their jaw agape.
J.L | . . . Tsk. Forget it. Hugo . . . Just . . . Come with me.
Hugo rushed to stand from his chair.
V.H | J-Julien? Are you . . .
But Kaiser interjected the suffocating and for some reason erotic interaction.
M.K | Enough! Both of you, get the hell out! I’m literally fucking disgusted!
Loki and Hugo didn’t need to be told another time. They gave their final nods and waves before languidly exiting the set room.
Y/N | Um . . .
M.K | Tsk. Whatever.
Kaiser sat back down, pinching the bridge of his nose, strikingly frustrated.
AD BREAK!
The studio was in relatively good shape. It was as if nothing had ever happened. No strange Julien/Vivien interaction, and no angry Kaiser.
M.K | Okay, well that didn’t go as planned. Anyway, Y/N, the public has some questions for you.
Y/N | . . . Yes?
M.K | About the Sae and Bunny situation.
Y/N had stilled, unprepared.
Y/N | Yeah . . . about that . . .
M.K | You do know this just furthers the idea that you’re a good for nothing slut?
Y/N | I am not no fucking slut!
M.K | Yes you fucking are!
Tension spiked in the studio once again.
Y/N | Jesus fucking christ! Hop off my dick!
M.K | How about you hop off other boys’ dicks first?
Y/N | Fuck! Can I just leave? I don’t even wanna be here anymore!
M.K | You can’t. The papers you signed make sure of that.
Y/N | What!
M.K | Stupid bitch. Did you not even read the forms?
Y/N | I didn—
M.K | Whatever. Production, bring in the next boy.
Kaiser did the waving hand signal again. Y/N had widened their eyes, confused.
Then. . .
Sae Itoshi.
Y/N audibly gasped.
Sae Itoshi took a seat.
M.K | I’m honestly surprised you agreed to this, Itoshi.
S.I | It’s because things still need to be sorted out.
Y/N | Sae—
S.I | It’s Itoshi.
M.K | Yikes. I guess this is what happens when you think you can take two dicks at once . . .
Y/N was visibly malfunctioning. Kaiser took this opportunity to be even more . . . well, him.
M.K | So, Itoshi, tell us what your thoughts were when it was publicly revealed you were being cucked?
S.I | I was disappointed.
M.K | And Y/N, how did you feel when Bunny revealed your guys’ relationship on Reddit?
Y/N stood up abruptly, their hip hitting the mic. The impact sounded in everyone’s headphones. Sae even visibly grimaced.
Y/N | This is all very invasive to be putting my exes in my face one by one!
M.K | This is literally what you signed up for you stupid fucking bitch!
S.I | This is getting ridiculous. . .
M.K | Tsk. What’s ridiculous is that you were getting cheated on and didn’t even know. And it was Bunny of all people you were being cheated on with.
The corner of Sae’s lip twitched.
S.I | That’s neither here nor there. . .
M.K | Bitch, are you serious? That’s the only the reason I invited you! To talk about this!
Itoshi had straightened up in his seat more, a slight scowl appearing across his features.
S.I | Y/N. I do sometimes wish bad things to happen to you.
The raw confession shocked everyone in the room. Except for Kaiser.
M.K | Hah! Hilarious! See? Y/N, everyone hates you.
Y/N | That’s not very nice, Itoshi.
S.I | I don’t fucking care. . .
Y/N | Look, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but—
Itoshi abruptly stood up.
S.I | No. The truth is that you thrive off of being in the centre of drama. You love playing with the hearts of others because it is the only thing that gives you meaning in your pathetic life.
Gasps from the production team got picked up from the mics. Y/N widened their eyes, their jaw dropping.
S.I | And also, fucking Bunny of all people? That guy? Tsk. Tepid.
M.K | Okay, Itoshi. Let’s not start crying over a female.
S.I | I wasn’t going to start crying. I just pointed out what was true.
M.K | Y/N, I have a very important and urgent question; would you get with Rin Itoshi, Sae’s little brother?
Itoshi’s eyes visibly widened, his whole expression shifting to something of intense shock.
S.I | Bringing my family into this now?
Y/N | I . . . Maybe I would. . .
And then Itoshi audibly gasped.
S.I | What the fuck?! The audacity!
Y/N | Sae, listen, I’m just a wo—
S.I | For fuck’s sake. I’m getting out of here. Have fun being a whore.
M.K | What?! Are you serious! First Hugo and now you?
Itoshi was already pacing out of the studio, his body simmering with unspoken tension. Y/N and Kaiser watched his departing figure before turning and facing each other.
M.K | Well, anyway. That was a dud. You’re dick repellant.
Y/N | No I’m not. Itoshi and I just haven’t had a proper conversation since the incident.
M.K | As a female, don’t you think you should know your place? Instead of the streets, maybe doing something productive like your boyfriend’s laundry?
Y/N | YOU STUPID FUCK!—
AD BREAK!
The studio seemed relatively polished. Ever since Y/N almost launched themself at Kaiser, the production team needed everyone to take 10.
Now, Kaiser and Y/N were back in their seats.
M.K | It’s important for people to know a couple things about biological dynamics.
Y/N | What?
M.K | You, as a female, don’t understand your place. You cheat on men, despite the fact that men are designed to be stronger and more logically adept. It’s like you run on emotion. Which is a common thing among females — but still an annoyance.
Y/N | What the fuck are you even saying??
M.K | I’m saying you’re annoying and too prideful. You could get your shit rocked anytime, any moment.
Y/N | Are you threatening violence on your own podcast?
M.K | So what? Fans will love me anyway.
Y/N | You’re a piece of shit.
M.K | Tell me something I don’t know.
Then, Kaiser did another wave of his hand. Y/N immediately stiffened, like they’ve been pavlov’d by Kaiser’s hand signal.
And of course, the worst thing happened. Not one, but two New-Gen 11 Stars came into the studio.
Bunny Iglesias and Teddy Knight.
They took their seats beside Y/N.
Y/N | Oh my fucking God.
B.I | Hello everyone.
T.K | Hi I’m Teddy Knight.
B.I | You don’t have to introduce yourself, Teddy, everyone knows who you are.
Y/N | Can we just get this over with?
Bunny’s demeanour instantly shifted at the sound of Y/N’s voice. He angled his head to get a better view of their face.
B.I | You say that about a lot of things, don’t you?
Y/N | Please. I’ve had enough punchings for the day.
M.K | Well, you have a punchable face.
Y/N | And you have an attitude problem.
M.K | I’m sure.
Y/N | Also, why is Teddy Knight here? I literally have no relation with him whatsoever.
T.K | Bunny might’ve needed the support.
M.K | What are you Bunny? A little kid? Why do you need emotional support?
B.I | Don’t we all?
M.K | . . . Whatever. Bunny, tell Y/N what has been on your mind. Ever since the two of you broke up.
Bunny cleared his throat, ready to speak. Teddy shifted in his seat, prepared to give Bunny support. For some reason.
B.I | Y/N I’ve always been a guy to see the bigger picture. So truthfully, breaking up with you was probably one of the best things that could’ve happened to me. I don’t have use for your negative energy.
The room fell silent for a few moments.
Y/N | Oh. . . wow.
T.K | What Bunny is trying to say is that you’re a waste of energy.
Y/N | Yeah I knew that.
M.K | It’s about time we start wrapping things up—
Y/N | Bunny. Being with you was one of the happiest times in my life. I’ll never forget us.
Bunny didn’t speak for many beats after that. In fact, he began sniffling, bordering on. . . crying??
B.I | It’s . . . It’s just so hard being me. . .
M.K | Are we fucking serious right now?
Teddy began stroking Bunny’s back softly, comforting him.
T.K | Bunny needs space, I think.
M.K | No, Bunny is a grown ass man crying over a female who doesn’t give a shit about him.
Y/N | Hey!—
M.K | Iglesias, you’re not just some fucking crumb on the sidewalk. You’re an elite soccer star with hundreds of thousands of eyes on you. Crying over females is weak male behaviour, and I’m not gonna FUCKING stand for it.
B.I | Huh?
M.K | You’re better off locking in and focusing on what actually counts in life. Saves you from looking weak and pathetic like you do right now.
Bunny’s tears weren’t stopping, however.
B.I | I am allowed to feel things
M.K | Sure, but as a man you aren’t allowed to show them. Simple.
Bunny quickly stood from his chair. Teddy followed Bunny’s actions.
B.I | No! I can do what I want! And matter of fact, this piece of shit podcast is one of the things I want to do the least!
M.K | Literally what?
T.K | Bunny’s saying that—
B.I | I’m gone. Bye.
Bunny stormed off crying, making Teddy rush to follow.
Once again, the studio only contained Kaiser and Y/N.
M.K | You know, Y/N, it’s not really normal for people to have the reactions that they have when they see you.
Y/N | I feel terrible.
M.K | That’s the point.
AD BREAK!
The studio was crisp and professional, and Y/N and Kaiser sat across from each other.
M.K | I think this about wraps up today’s episode. And Y/N, would you say you learned your lesson?
Y/N | There wasn’t any lesson for me to even learn.
M.K | It’s not just anyone who somehow has three exes that’re all New-Gen 11 stars. And it’s not just anyone who plays with those stars’ hearts.
Y/N | I’m not a bad guy—
M.K | It’s fascinating, honestly. Your face isn’t that remarkable, and your clothes are hideous. So what’s the attraction?
Y/N | Hey! Asshole!
M.K | You turned Vivien Hugo gay, you made Sae Itoshi yell, and you made Bunny Iglesias cry. How am I the asshole here?
Y/N | Tsk. Maybe go and ask Reddit.
Suddenly, the vibes shifted.
Kaiser giggled.
At a woman’s joke.
M.K | Hmph. Okay Y/N, maybe I will.
Y/N | Is the episode over yet? Can I leave?
THE END. . .
BONUS SMAU:
taggies: @whitenhights @delusionalamorist @gumiholic @veelovescandy @blissedkat @dressedupdarling @mothtoflame1 @thesauceyoichiislostin @shiftingfawnnn @bloomflix @meoowapple @catsuki-333 @snowymafui @angelboutique @odetteforachange @musenami @cahewonen @krysaora @alonelyartist1432 @jellychee @angelliliess @ancientfragment @unicornb3liever4ever @philhoesophy @beepbopzlorp @goose-is-media @angelfawvn @lorettavvj @lukewarmies @saestarzz @saetomic @ness-wife @jjkslvt @jimabbenamara @luvynii @stal1n33 @aveeniexoxo @noraa-xx @tecchouss @embodimentofdocchopper @ruatcaelumfiat @aeylori @sweetsformysoul @mysticalfish @axxusu @x3nafix
a//n okay… um guys what do we truly think bcs i think my mind has fully rotted in the process of making this. im now a zombie. i feel dirty i feel rotten and the colours are all flat. um anyway ill probably never make anything like this again also alpha male kaiser is my new drug. also i promise to make something funnier tmr 🤫 kaiser r/aita?!!?