#blue fishy

[asimplepyro]

Sometimes, I wonder where you are now. How you're doing. If you're happy.

[asimplepyro]

This is the last time. I promise.

Man, these past 5 months have been a doozy. I’ve lost who I am, lost almost everyone I’ve cared for, and had some serious thoughts about wrapping my car around a tree.  I’m not really sure how I got there either. I called you once. I…I didn’t’ now what to do. I didn’t have anyone else to turn to, but I hung up after 2 rings. I’ll admit, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. How we were. How things should have been. How I acted and reacted. How I hurt you. I heard you got rehab. I’m really proud of you and immensely happy to hear you’re better. I know you’re finally with Sam after years of her pining after you and I’m really happy for both of you! I, uh…I just…I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I blamed you for a lot of things that weren’t your fault, and that’s not fair. I know it’s stupid, and you probably don’t care anymore, but I guess it’s just part of my making amends with the past so I can move on to the future. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most. I only thought about myself.  I thought you didn’t love or want me anymore, and I wasn’t going to put myself through that. Seeing the look in your face and knowing your struggles, knowing I couldn’t help. We never talked of why things were or why they happened the way they did. Just that I didn’t like it, and I left. I’m sorry for that. You tried to reach out to me one last time. I said no, but wish I said yes. I didn’t know you were leaving.

There’s no real purpose for me doing this again, and a part of me wants to delete it so I don’t bring up old demons and problems. But, I did want to say I’m proud of you. Everything you went through and you’re still here, alive. You did what you needed to, to make yourself happy, and you have a girl who is madly in love with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t better to you. And I broke my promise of always being your friend. Even now, I don’t think I could ever be friends again. I’ve realized recently…I still love you. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss you sometimes. I…I’ve been trying to let go for 2 years, and I still can’t stop myself from crying. I’m not asking for sympathy or for you to let me back….I just want you to know that I never stopped loving you. You deserve to know that. And that’s why I couldn’t and can’t be friends. But I am so proud of the 180 you’ve done for yourself, and no one else. I am really happy for you. I’ll stop bugging you and being so melodramatic. I guess for the last time, goodbye blue fishy. Rawrt.

[asimplepyro]

I'm proud of you. I knew you could so it, but you just needed to want it for yourself. I'm glad you're finally happy; not just with someone, or being with your family, but happy with yourself. You were in a dark place for so long... I'm glad you came out alive. Didn't know if you would honestly. But I'm very happy for you, and proud if how far you've come.

[asimplepyro]

I'm a shitty girlfriend. Im sorry. 

[asimplepyro]

Update 2

So after another hour of working on it, we move 5 miles down the road. I give up! Called AAA, and they're going to tow me home (a whopping 60 miles!) They are my miracle workers today. So grateful ti have my blue fishy with me to keep me calm. I hope your day goes a but Better than,mine lovelies!

[don-t-look-at-me-now-blog]

[asimplepyro]

Best Friend Award

So i'm on my period and been emotionally fucked all day. First was hyper and happy, thern pissy cus of cramps, moody and not wanting to talk to anyone, starving, upset cus i ate so much food, guilty cus i didn't get my mom food, then mad cus she didn't want it, then upset and blah again cus i;m a fat ass, then just bleh and didn't plug in my phone when it died cus i'm lazy....and you stuck through it all. Yay! You win the Best Friend Award CJ!

[asimplepyro]

Oh Blue Fishy...

Liebhaber: i realy am sorry i miss your birthday. i know im saying sorry to much also but i realy am i should have been looking at the date on my calinder cus i had this whole thing i was going to do for you to start off your birthday and i fucked up. i truly and uncondisionaly love you and your the most amazing women in my life and i keep messing up and you just forgive me even when i do things i know no one els would ever forgive someone els for. i know there is no one els like you in the world and your the one person i love more then anything and i just keep messing up everything. i dont see how you can love a big mess like me cus of everything iv put you threw but you still do and i personaly dont see why somedays days cus all i seem to do is keep messing up the most amazing thing i have which is you. happy late birthday. i hope it was fun and you got some cool stuff you wanted or needed. *kiss* -blue fishy

How can i even be mad at you? You forgot my birthday, and I should be mad at you....Ugh, but i can't be. It's literally impossible for me to stay mad at you.Why do you have to be such a sweet person?? You can't let me be mad for one day? though i don't think that'd even work. I'd find some reason to forgive you, or forget about it, I just...ugh. RAWRT! Rawrt Blue fishy. And regaurdless of what anyone else says, You ARE a good person, and you do know when you see something good. Your flaws are part of who you are, and I love them just as much as the good things.