Welcome to my blog focusing on Borderline Disorder and my life with it.
This blog is COMPLETELY dedicated to my struggles with my borderline disorder. People make mental illness such a taboo, but I really think people who suffer with it should stick together on it. So .. with the intentions of helping others, I want to talk about my specific disorder. I was "officially" diagnosed 7 months ago after going through trial and error since I was 12. It felt good to have a solid diagnosis. It felt bad to see the statistics.
Isolation, HUGE fear of rejection, paranoia, extreme phobias, excessive spending, past drug abuse, anorexia, bulimia, feeling guilty for EVERYTHING. Excessive need for love and attention. I desire to be rescued from my loneliness and will even resort to hanging out with people I don't like just to NOT be alone. I'm a runner, I'll run away from you after I get in really deep, so I try to keep at a distance, but its hard because I get hopeful sometimes that someone wont leave me.
Sexual promiscuity. I'm a prude almost. I could go years without sex, its great but I'll only sleep with someone I think I have a potential with, and it hasn't been many people. AT ALL. And when I think its okay, its not, and I get ditched shortly there after. I'm terrified of men and advances. Theres reason. I've been rejected so many times that I hate myself, which leads to me not wanting to eat from depression, then it spirals out of control. I never ever think I am good enough for anyone; Jealousy ruined the closest friendship I ever had, which I think about every day. Theres more to it but we're keeping this short. (boy/girl best friends its a common story)
I'm still learning, I'll let you know. I'm a pretty classic case. I know nothing of romantic relationships because no one has ever wanted me. I used to be very overweight and called "disgusting" etc, some awful things, Now in the future, I make some extra cash modeling and men look at me like a sex object. I want nothing to do with 97% of the male population, the other 3% .... I try but to no avail.
I've tried to kill myself more times than I can count, because with this disorder everything hurts. I've heard it described as emotional hemophilia or a 3rd degree burn patient who has no skin remaining. You're TRUTHFULLY that sensitive. Some borderlines don't have empathy. I have a ton. I make food for homeless people, I paid my friends family's mortgage for a year because they had rough times. Helping people makes me happy. The last time was a really close call, and my 3 best friends and my mom were so hurt that I've made a promise never to do it again. I have a pact with one of them that if I go he quits so I swore I wouldn't because the world needs him more than it needs me. (Even though I don't think he would :P I still promised) I still have thoughts and plans. I told said friend this today, though I said I still promised. Hes at a loss I think. I'm really hard to care about, but the people who do and try are the most amazing people in the world. Thats where I find my love, in friends, because I don't think I'll ever be good enough for anyone.
So thats my intro. Welcome to my life living with this ... I'm not even going to call it a disease, its a curse hahaha !
IM ALSO TRYING TO CONNECT WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE THIS DISEASE. PLEASE FOLLOW. I seriously would love .. support, or advice, I did DBT but I'm out now. >_>
