#bpd!buck

[legallymay]

sometimes i wanna talk about bpd!buck but i have nothing of relevance to add. i just wanna nod along to the things that smart people in my phone post. i'm perched at y'all's windowsills going *chinhands* say more 🙂‍↕️

[halinski]

Okay but I need to get this off my chest

It's been confirmed since last season by Maddie that Buck is "very good at seeming fine" or better than he is. We have lots of proof of that on screen. We have Buck saying to a therapist that he hides his true emotions. We have many, many indicators on screen of Buck being neurodivergent, with low self esteem, being very perceptive, and putting everything into being what other people need.

If we go with that, with possible ADHD, or C-PTSD (which is trauma caused by prolonged traumatic events like neglectful/abusive parenting) - I feel like I should make a list of all the symptoms and signs that coincide with Buck - but point is, lots of neurodivergent people but especially those tend to do a thing called "masking"

It's exactly what it sounds like, aka they put on a mask around people to try and act how people expect them to. This act is perfected throughout the years and is very flexible. It's constant awareness of the situation, picking up on the smallest changes in the people around you and adjusting yourself to a "this is how I should be acting" setting, or "this is what this person/situation expects or alternatively needs right now".

Often times, you tend to lose your own self in there, you push aside all your own feelings and needs - which is what Buck admitted to his therapist. We also know he always feels like he needs to put on thee firefighter "costume" to feel worthy.

So basically, Buck puts up an act to be the best person he can, according to what the people around him need. I'm not saying it's not part of his personality to want to help people, because it is. But the problem is that it's to a fault. He will go extreme lengths no matter what his own feelings or needs say.

I mean, with Eddie it's a healthy thing bc man Eddie gives back. But again, Buck saw what Eddie needed and constantly immediately took initiative. He helped get Carla into his life, made sure Bobby knew about Chris and helped out there, he became a whole second parent to Chris bc he saw these two people needed it. They are two people who surprisingly returned the sentiment.

Which surprises Buck. Even after what 3 years(?) Buck still has to hear from Eddie explicitly that he's not expendable.

Buck believes he is, because he thinks he's just doing what he should be doing. It doesn't matter how he feels, this is what he does. It wouldn't change his behavior if Eddie did think he was expendable. (tho it would damage him further)

My point is, Buck is very good at acting. He is mentally very strong and resilient because he knows how to put his own self aside and be what people need him to be. (That unfortunately reinforces his idea that it's not him that's worthy, it's just his actions, which anyone can do, since of course Buck is just emulating what he thinks someone should be doing).

And in my opinion, we see Buck backsliding a bit since his parents popped up - which is practically inevitable, even without the whole new life changing revelation about his brother, which made things worth because his whole existence now was excuse as Buck just being there "for parts". It reinforces the idea in his head that he's just there to be useful to people, to be what they need, regardless of himself. And that's probably not a conscious thought 99% of the time.

I also haven't seen anyone mentioning Buck mentioning the therapist this season which would fit my backsliding theory, just based on myself who also grew up thinking I'm not allowed therapy bc I can convince everyone and especially myself "I'm fine", so he probably convinced himself he doesn't need it. Or it was too hard to keep fighting to recover, for now he just has to get through things, and that means resorting to old behaviors and habits.

It's how he copes and survives. Being what others need. Especially so he doesn't end up alone and unloved, because he definitely feels unloved. And he's desperate to prove the opposite, that he's worth something.

So what I'm saying is, Buck is very, very good at acting and being what other people need, while neglecting himself, and putting up a very convincing show of "this is me" and that's what BT is :)

[halinski]

I mean....

We always see Buck revert to sex bc it's the only "intimate love language" he knows? I think it's still very disconnected in his head. He was reading up on love languages, he was trying to learn, and Eddie was always there to give Buck all the support and softness, but Buck has never had a deep meaningful love connection without sex, and I think he feels it's the only thing he has to give. I mean, in the end, he thinks his physicality is all he has to give. And yeah, even unconsciously, that has followed him since he was being conceived for his bone marrow - that followed him through only getting love and attention when he was physically hurt, he was loved because he was a football star, he was drawn to all kinds of jobs where he could physically prove his worth - he doesn't know what it's truly like to be loved for who he is

He doesn't know his emotional and intellectual worth

And that haunts him, everyone calls him the golden retriever, not so bright but there for the smile and his willingness to give his body to everyone and every situation 100% and God Buck will give

He'll give everything

Even when he's supposed to be in therapy, he's the one who is supposed to receive, he will let his body serve bc that's all he knows

But Abby left him, Ali left him, for who he was, because they couldn't stand by him - and the only one who came back was the redhead I don't wanna talk about, and guess what, yeah that's based on sex

So like... buck had learned a little about familial love with Maddie being back and having the 118

But I'm pretty sure he thinks that like romantic love is true love and all that crap and for that, all he knows is how to give himself physically. And he's said it, he just wants to be wanted

It's not about what Buck wants. His life has never been about that. It's about how he can be useful to those around him. If that's to take care of Christopher, or to risk his life to save his family, or give the redhead whatever she is asking for (even though she's been nothing but an ass to him still, as is proven by the fact that Buck literally thought she was there for a news statement when his best was shot and Buck literally broke down for the first time ever on screen and only time and it was not with her!!!!)

So yeah I'm angry that he's ended up there again, that they're still having him serve whoever wants him.

@ 911 pls let Eddie love Buck already ffs bc I am tired of these two sweethearts kicking themselves and not allowing themselves proper love and healthy relationships and well-being

Let them be soft, let them be loved, let them get what they need and be happy

[halinski]

First time I've written in... Over a month at least. Just a letter of gratitude for the rain

Buddie - est. relationship - 401 words - written at midnight

He feels the rain but he doesn't, can trace the aquatic impact along his skin as if he's bubble wrap, deflating, and yet can't fathom the fall and the drip. What does it mean to be wet? It feels like there's a waterproof barrier stretched tight across his skin- or rather, harsh across his bones, leaving him hollow.

Reality blurs, runs like paint. A Dali rendition in the flesh. He's spinning out, closes his eyes and focuses, wants to sense every rain drop as just that- just another drop of water. It was a refreshing chill, a brightening new scent, resuscitation, the earth feeding, breathing.

Buck breathes with it. Feels himself start to settle a little, although the bees within his chest buzz for need to carry on with life, he still forces himself to sit and allow himself to take this in. This was the world taking a breath, replenishing, and letting go. If he was alone, he'd flop back across the bench, let the clouds shower his face, absorb it's sorrows, let them filter through and refract back into positivity. Just another blade of grass in the downpour.

They were all part of microcosmos of the planet in this spinning clockwork of universes. He's alive. He's here.

"Hey," the voice shakes him out of the stupor but he's not quite ready to let go of this serenity yet, wishes he could physically hold on to the rain, to every little droplet hitting his skin, cold through the fabric of his t-shirt.

"You coming?" Eddie urges, as he grabs the last glass off the backyard table, Buck's half full lemonade and already stepping back towards the house where everyone had fled to as the sky started to spill.

"It's raining," Eddie continues, as if that was reason to go into hiding from the world.

Buck can't help his faint smile, but he doesn't know how to put this into words, so all he does is assures his partner with a quiet, "In a minute."

He doesn't mind this being as a solitary experience. Eddie never seemed to like water much, rather hanging out on shore while Buck took to the waves on a board, but Eddie's suddenly a backing warmth, hand wrapping on Buck's shoulder. Buck tips his head back against Eddie's chest, and let's himself be grounded, silently. For once, at peace with his mind and the world, wholly.

[halinski]

Prequel to my BPD!Buck fic perhaps-- or maybe just a drabble after all

Sometimes it was easier not to know their name. When you could let the paramedics take over to officially call in death upon arrival, and you don't spend 20 minutes doing CPR and feeling desperately for a heartbeat, trying to stabilize them long enough to get them into the ambulance and rush off to the hospital. When you didn't talk to them and assure them they'd be okay while they were being transported on a stretcher, having screamed in agony at any movement, and you talked to them about the love of their life and their kids. When you knew that death was a relief from the terrible incident that had brought upon their demise, and at least they weren't in pain anymore, and you just hoped it had all happened quickly.

And sometimes you didn't have to know anything about them and you still couldn't get rid of the twisted horror image of their face that got etched in your mind in a split second. Those last painful breaths, suffocating because the heart had already stopped beating and the lungs desperately tried to get oxygen into the system, yet failing because there was no more running blood to deliver.

And you were helpless. There was nothing you could've done to start with. There was nothing more you could think of that could've defeated fate even hours after.

And that was why you had to hand it off at the doors, the hospital doors, the ambulance doors, the fire engine or station doors, or at latest, when walking through your own front door.

Buck knew that. They all knew that. And usually he could do it. He'd learned. There'd been many cases already and no, he wasn't numb, he never wanted to be, was never going to let it happen if he had something to say about it - but he usually managed. He'd worked so hard on himself, having been in therapy now for 6 months already, stabilizing himself, even after that incident with his parents and through finding out he had a dead brother along the way. He was doing so well, considering.

But sometimes, it seemed, completely at random, that a patient clung to you through afterlife, no matter how hard you tried to wash them off your skin. They weren't even yours, a passing death others were tending to with professional facial expressions painted just so by a stricken brush. And still, there he was, sitting in the dark with a waning typsiness, alone by the side of the road in his Jeep, staring out at the black waves breaking against stones. He didn't come here to brood per se, nor contemplate twisting bad thoughts of demise. He had just found himself lost, unaware of where he could go to feel safe. As if he was 16 again, without a place to truly call home, running away from his own room, from everything he knew because he just couldn't trust it.

Buck loved the 118 and he would turn to them, except it was 3am or something of the sort and everyone was catching up on sleep and family time and he wasn't going to ruin that just because he was having trouble forgetting a case. The thing was he didn't even know why he was reacting to it. He literally didn't know a single thing about the patient, except for the dirty blonde hair, pale skin and his death and yet his heart galloped in circles around it. The wind ran through him, carrying the rush of the wild sea with it and where he'd usually revel in the danger and life, it only ramped up his anxiety.

But where was he supposed to go? Back to his apartment where he felt more alone than ever, even with Taylor in it. In fact, going back to her peacefully sleeping side just made him feel acutely nauseous and Buck had to lean back against rough stone and swallow hard to keep the bile down. Eventually he'd have to face the fact that getting drunk and jumping into bed with the redhead was nothing but a desperate attempt to hold on to something familiar. He didn't want to admit he'd fallen back into unhealthy coping mechanisms, that's why he hadn't even mentioned Taylor to Dr. Copeland but he'd just been so… so very tired, at the ends of his strength really, alone, with emotions pressing at his seams and Buck didn't want to ruin what he had. He just had to feel without thinking for a bit, feel without spiraling completely. Damage control. Even if he felt like the scum of the earth again now, as if he was dirty, bound down heavy with guilt and shame and disgust, at least he wasn't ruining what he had with Eddie, he was able to do his job, and keep his close ties.

It was more than he'd ever had before. He just had to hold on somehow. And if he spent the rest of the night exposed to biting sand and cold, salted wind, burying tears and sobs back down before they ever reached the surface, to be able to face the next day no one had to be the wiser.

[halinski]

Did you guys see the tears in his eyes when Buck said "love me anyway"? Yeah there's no way he wouldn't be crying if he actually felt the love when someone says those words

[halinski]

How the Diaz Boys saved (and adopted) Buck

Just some rambling I dare to call Buck character (development) meta that I literally babbled into my voice recorder on the wya to work after I saw gifs of the ep with the kidnapping and now just transcribed and am posting bc it's my thoughts and they're half coherent

The Diaz boys are his saving grace. Everyone knows it, you might as well have it branded on his forehead. Everyone knows it, the kidnapper knew it, Taylor knows and overyone at the 118 knows it. It's not something that he can hide. He spends all his time at work, always, and the Diaz family, Christopher. And talking about love languages, spending quality time, is obviously Buck's.

Right, where were we. So the Diaz boys, are his saving grace. Everyone knew he lived for them, everyone knew they meant a lot to them. They meant his life, but they still didn't know how much they had saved Buck. And that's where we delved into Buck's past, including BPD again bc I want to, and how he never had anyone to give his life for - except his parents a long time ago, and well, Daniel, without even knowing - but those two are probably what made him feel like he had to give his life, his everything, in order to have a purpose in life. Exchange his life for anything

And then with the sex addiction, basically saying how he just needed to be used so he could feel worthy- not even worthy, just to be alive.

Be worth something because there was no point in anything for him personally, so he had to have some other purpose. For someone else. There was no love there. Ever. Maybe not ever but since he was a child, a teenager, there was no love for himself, no love from others. No love felt, what's it called, usable/computable. He'd been given the wrong fuel, the wrong air to breathe. No oxygen, just poison. Not poison necessarily. Just, unusable, which made him feel like the broken one.

And first, he found the 118, which gave him a purpose and allowed him to give his life, his time - with his time being everything in his life - his whole being, his body. To the job, to everyone else, giving himself worth.

That still wasn't on a personal level. It was only professional level worth, because it was just a job. And the sex was at a personal level with interpersonal relationships, where he also just needed to be worthy. And so, he needed to feel used. It wasn't that he felt love(d). He just couldn't have down time, couldn't be alone with himself because then he wasn't worthy. He needed to useful to someone else. He wasn't looking for love then. There was no there was no confusion about what love is, because he didn't believe in it, not the way others knew of it. But the 118 giving him a purpose gave him more than he had ever had in life.

But he wasn't used to that kind of life, he still had all his harmful way, the self destruction that he had many different areas of this life, but especially with the sex addiction. Letting himself be used by others, being useful, serving a purpose on an interpersonal level. And it was harmful to his performance with the 118, with a healthy life, which is why it qualifies as a sex addiction and not just an active sex life. So it was harmful to his purpose in life. Alone the interpersonal worth would never be enough because in Buck's life people were a very, very fleeting presence. There had to be something greater than those interpersonal connections, which is why he was scouring the world, literally two continents.

So he gave up that interpersonal self destruction so he could be a good firefighter, be useful to the 118 and the City of LA, and have a purpose. And he was managing, but he still hadn't healed yet. So he tried, he was trying to do better and have healthy relationships but he didn't quite know how and that's how he ended up always choosing someone who wanted to use him. That's all he knew. It was the only thing he knew how to respond to. He didn't know how to respond to other kinds of affection. It wasn't something he even knew how to feel the need for, consciously, because he wouldnt allow himself that need. He didn't believe it to be a possibility for him.

And then that's where the Diaz boys came in, where he saw a chance for him to be useful. And he made an impact, because it was something greater because it was what the 118 had been teaching him about friends and family. And family was a the thing he could never quite grasp because didn't understand it. He couldn't understand it because it was always out of reach. It was never something he had with his parents emotionally cut off and Maddie having run away. It was always something beautiful in his mind that he was fighting for but it was never in reach- until the Diaz boys. And Buck wouldn't let that opportunity slip, he just jumped straight in head first, without a second thought. Mindless, adrenaline-junky (aka brave) Buck.

And he was welcomed with open arms because that was exactly what Eddie needed, and exactly what his son needed. And even if Eddie hadn't know he needed it, he knew he had to hold onto it with both hands once he felt it. He could see that Buck kept slipping away because Buck didn't believe he was allowed to have that. He knew how to be useful but he'd never been part of a family like that before, even though he really wanted to. Having that constant, that responsibility, that's love. Maybe. He doesn't know. He's still learning.

So when did Buck know he wanted to become a Diaz. He never quite knew it but he felt that there was a place he could fold himself into. A place where he could be and stay, if he wanted to. A place that accepted him, just as he was.

There's no one instance when he knew he wanted to be a Diaz. He never dared to believe he could, that he was allowed. But he knows he would give eternity to them. And he knows it because he feels himself getting healthier, getting stronger. He starts to become more selfish, or more accurately, find self love, self preservation for his family. Just a little bit.

He wants it to be his family but he doesn't feel like he's allowed. And Eddie keeps telling him "you're allowed to" in many different ways, all kinds of words and forms, until Buck can finally slowly build up to that chapter of his being. Until he creates that new mechanism that will run smoothly.

When he realizes he wants to be a Diaz, he already knows he could be. He knows it to be true in a way that feels like he knew it forever. Because it has been a truth, he just had to grow first. He had to find solid ground first, so that a seed could settle in safely and take root, so he could grow.

So it's not that the Diaz boys give him just a family. They save him from himself.

The thing everyone kinda knows about Buck is that he's his own greatest enemy. But they don't know what that's like. Not really. Being your own greatest enemy in every shape and form, in many different ways that make up his being.

But they see him grow and they know that that never could have happened without Eddie in his life in that moment, right then and there. See it didn't matter that at the time that Eddie needed to grow too. They were so intertwined that they needed each other and grow together to grow individually.

And Eddie wouldn't be a fraction of this Eddie without Christopher, so...

Of course Buck has to be a Diaz.

Thank you for coming to an episode of the all new Buck Talks and keep an eye out for more character discussions and pls excuse my dumbass self

[halinski]

"at this point I don't trust anyone" - Buck says this in 4.12

It may get played off as a joke but telling from Buck's exhausted look? He still can't talk to anyone about the true feelings he hides. In fact, he's feeling even less like he can trust people

Knowing therapy, things get harder than they get better. So Buck might be even more scared and feeling even more distant from everyone now, more wary

Projecting my BPD and abandonment/rejection sensitive issues onto him - Buck picks up every small negative mood from someone and feels like he's at fault, he's the cause (someone's recently told him he's a horrible friend, and it may just be replaying in his head constantly) because we all know he's always just trying to prove to people he can be something, that he's worth something.

Cap's got his own issues her dealing with and he's obviously not gonna tlak to anyone. hen and Karen are dealing with the whole new fostering transition, Maddie & Chimney have a new child, Albert moved out and was seriously injured, Eddie is suddenly dating intensely and not sharing much about it as we know, but with losing more time with Eddie, he loses time with Chris and Abuela and Carla and everyone on that branch. So where does that leave Buck.... Alone

He's been really trying to get with the redhead as we've seen, which almost looks like his s1 tendencies (which is basically the relapse I predicted), just the intense need for intimacy, with sex, as validation. I mean, it's Covid, he lives alone again, everyone is taken but the redhead and recovery is hard, therapy is hard and it's not a steady climb up, but entails digging up wounds and restitching, which yeah totally causes pitfalls

And when we talk about true feelings being hidden... What else could it be but a gay thing I mean come on. Everyone already knows he's reckless with his life, basically has a death wish, he said he was ready to give up. How much more suicidal does he need to get

Anyway.... Last but not least, I'm obviously all in my Buck feels so ofc I gotta get in here iwth the gunshot and make it all about Buck too. GOD KNOWS I DON'T WANT BUCK IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN

but... With how vulnerable he feels? With him being officially off duty aka a "civilian" and not feeling like he can help enough even though he jumps right into the scene without hesitation, giving it all her got bc that's just Buck. So like, we gonna go all tropey here and just say, Buck does the thing where he throws himself in front of Eddie and takes the bullet for him. And duh Buck is still a firefighter even tho he's in civillian clothes, everyone knows that, or well if they don't, maybe they thought Eddie took the bullet but it was actually Buck

We all know how held together Eddie is, he's a man of Steel, but...

The softness we've seen from him this season... In a situation where someone else takes a bullet for him (flashback to when he was taking bullets to save his fellow soldiers) and it's Buck

...need I say more?