Closure and Vindication
Today brought up events I’m glad to say I don’t really think on much anymore. While it was painful to speak on again, I got a lot of closure out of it. I figured it was worth sharing here, as some of my followers were there for the shitshow that was the fall of 2015. If you weren’t, however, the gist is that I made a friend via a sub-unit student org my freshman year. We became tumblr mutuals and, at their* suggestion, roommates for our sophomore year. They lovebombed me, but I was vulnerable and unaware of the red flags being presented. Once we began living together, they became very controlling and would sui/sh bait me when I would make plans with others or even when I would be headed to class. They would frequently express sexual/romantic interest in me and would pressure me into sharing intimate details of my love life. I constantly felt I needed to treat them with upmost care, as one bad thing in their day would turn into my fault. One day everything I’d been bottling up burst out and I yelled at them. They left screaming and after several manipulative texts and false wellness reports sent to my door, they moved out. At this point they began a slander campaign against me, most aggregusly going to parties and saying everything from stories of things they did to me but with our roles swapped, to personal things I shared about past trauma, to sexual things. I was left afraid, isolated from the one friend group I had, and barred from the sub-unit of our shared student org - the only place I’d ever felt I’d really belonged in college.
Of course, I’m not innocent. I was a terrible roommate (in normal roommate ways: forgetting to do chores, multiple alarm clocks, the usual). I was horrible at communicating and often was passive aggressive. On rare occasion, I even lashed out verbally. And though I always apologized quickly after, that does not absolve me of my actions. I was immature and I’ll own that. But it took years of therapy for me to learn that while what I did was wrong, it did not make me deserve what was done to me. I’ve also learned that they likely needed a lot of help, and while that doesn’t mean they deserve forgiveness, it has helped me begin to heal and let go of some of my resentment. Some. I mean, I’m still pissed, and I mourn the time and ability to live my life life this trauma took from me, but getting triggered by their appearance into a dissociate flashback episode while crossing a busy street lead to me getting diagnosed with cPTSD! And I’ve made so, so much progress since. Anyways, to the point
I now work with this student org in a professional capacity, and at one point I expressed how I’d wished I had come forward with what was going on then. I was then asked to clarify (and then today asked to provide this same context to leader of the sub-unit). They were absolutely shocked. It turns out that they had been under the impression that it was a normal falling out between friends, and as such both of us would have been barred from sub-unit: both to prevent fighting if both were in or to not pick favorites if only one was allowed back in. Remorse was expressed that I hadn’t come to them, as it turns out if they knew then what was going on, they would have expelled the individual from the student org.
It sucks that I’ll never get that time back... woulda shoulda coulda and all that... yet I feel... more at peace with things now than ever before. TBH I can’t even understand why. I think it’s like... like I know now that they have no more power. They can’t hurt me anymore. TBH I doubt they could have done anything more to me anyways, but this was the last untied end. I’d removed most thoughts of them from my life once I’d put all my feelings into the song I’d released and told myself that was the end. Then I moved back and was given an amazing job that lead to me working with the student-org... which brought up the memories. But now the air is cleared with them and I think the book can finally, finally close. And to my former roommate, where ever you are: I am sorry for my failings. I really, truly am. I hope you are supported and have received any help you needed. Sometimes I do feel anger bubble up within, but I’m trying to not hold ill will against you. In fact, I wish you a happy life. That being said, I hope our paths never cross again. Farewell.
... * A once mutual friend who, at the time, sided with the ex-roommate approached me about a year or two ago telling me they were no longer in contact with ex-roommate and were sorry they never let me tell my side.. At this time I was informed that the ex-roommate was going by they/them. I have not confirmed this nor do I have any desire to know anything about their current life, but I wouldn’t want to misgender anyone, regardless of our past history.
