A/N: this popped in my head AND I AM SO SORRY. Also, I need to work on titles. Ugh.
WARNINGS: angst? ANGST??
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They say that the first emotion you shared with your soulmate was one that would rock your entire being.
Bucky was grateful he had never felt it.
Of course, he had been in and out of time so the thought of having a soulmate was the furthest thing from his mind.
Fear and loneliness were a constant for him and he would hate to have someone feel that. They said that some had their soulmate born at the wrong time. He figured it was like this for him, it made sense, he had been on ice for the longest time.
Then there were times when he would be walking along, Steve and Sam having dragged him out of his hidey hole and into the sun, moments that made him pause. He would turn his face into the sun, let the warmth sink into his skin and his breath would catch.
"They say that some can talk with their soulmates before even meeting."
"That what happen with Tony?"
Sam smiled at Steve as he shoved a hot dog into Bucky's hand. "That's what he claims.
"Can you imagine?"
Bucky shoved the dog into his mouth. God he hoped not. He had enough voices in his head.
He wondered what song it was that was stuck in his head, where had he heard it? Maybe Natalia had sung it. Confusion swamped him and he blinked at the bright rays of sun that blinded him.
"Tony says that Pepper was on the verge of marrying someone else."
That wasn't unheard of. Many had relationships before meeting their soulmates. Some married and had full lives before meeting their other halfs. Bucky wondered, how could you choose? Or was it something that you had no choice in?
He shook his head, the soft song just barely vague enough that he could not hear the words. He could feel them. He grunted as Steve knocked into him pulling him from his thoughts.
**
Pain woke him.
He was used to pain. It was like a second skin. He reached up and touched his eye gingerly, did he get hit during rough housing with Steve earlier? He grumbled as he swung his legs over the edge, the pang of sadness hit him like a wave and made him stumble.
His lips hurt and he was certain it hadn't been split, he fumbled till he caught the switch and he stared at his reflection in the mirror.
Nothing.
He was fine.
Why did he feel like shit? Like Steve had put him through the ringer.
"Fucking crazy."
And there was that song again suddenly.
And the sadness was stronger and Bucky felt as if the world had turned upside down.
"Are you real?" He asked quietly, holding his breath, praying he was wrong.
"Oh." Came a soft response. The song halting.
"Oh," he repeated.
His heart clenched and he stumbled back till he hit the wall next to the door. The light quite suddenly too bright in the small bathroom.
He felt- desperation. A sudden clarity and a gnawing pain. A pain that was deeper than physical, the loneliness hit hard and he struggled to breathe. It was her loneliness. Her fear. He had felt this before. She had felt this…
"I'm sorry."
Bucky blinked. It was gone. The pain in his jaw, the feel of a cut lip, the throbbing in his eye. Not only the physical but the sadness that had weighed him down so heavily had lifted and he found he could breathe.
He took a breath surprised at how easy it was. How his lungs expanded, the ache gone.
A new ache made his eyes sting, a sob catching in his throat as he slid down the wall, curling in on himself.
He had a soulmate.
One he had never wanted. One he had been grateful to not have.
She was out there. Alone. Hurt.
She had apologized to him.
When she was in need of him.
He took in a deep breath, jaw setting in determination. He was going to find her. Even if she didn't want him to.
WARNINGS: ANGST, DOMESTIC ABUSE, ANGST, IMPLIED ABUSE, VIOLENCE, DRINKING MENTIONED, SELF HATE UHMMM IDK IF I MISSED SOMETHING? PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I ALWAYS ASK THAT YOU BE 18+ to read
Like, Comments, & Reblogs are always appreciated and loved.
Chapter 2
She was scared.
She had felt him. Heard him.
'Are you real?' .
"Oh!" It caught her by surprise. He was warm and good. The feeling of his words whispering into her mind and heart almost as warm as the sun on her skin. His voice was low and rough, causing her skin to prick, she shivered at the feel of it in her mind, sweeping through her, warming her chest, making her tummy flutter and she squirmed for a second.
This is what it felt to find your soulmate...
"Oh." He answered.
All her life she had prayed to feel him. All her life she had been left behind and alone.
Discarded and used. The moment she heard him and he heard her. She had felt it in that singular word. He didn't want her. She had felt him, he had no use for her.
"Sorry." She whispered, tucking herself away. Shutting the feeling down, she could do that, her boyfriend had beaten it into her. If she cried out then he hit, if a tear fell, then he hit. If she was silent though… if she was good and sang him a song, if she ran her bloodied hands carefully through his hair as she hummed he could fall asleep in her lap.
She laid curled in on herself.
Loneliness and fear these last years of her life and somehow she had still… hoped. A tear slipped free and she wiped it away, another followed and another. Silent harsh sobs, she bit her fist and swallowed her breath, if she woke him now it would be bad.
And no one wanted her. Not even her soulmate.
She wondered if he had felt her weakness? Had it been when she cowards from the fists? Or was it the emptiness that had taken ahold of her? Women were supposed to be beautiful and bright. This was why she had feared sharing, it was meant to be everything, and she had fallen short of that.
She had nothing to offer him.
**
Bucky paced.
Chewed on the corner of his thumb nail.
Nat caught him off guard, poked and prodded, made him laugh.
'Is she kind?'
Her voice made him nearly trip, soft and breathy, and the exhaustion settled in his bones, pain echoing through him, wrapping around him like a well worn blanket. 'You're hurt,’ he stated simply, recognizing her feelings instead of mixing them with his own. There was silence for the longest time, but he knew she was there. He could feel it, feel her. He had known, somewhere deep inside, where he hadn't wanted to look, he had known that she was always there.
'She is kind…'
Bucky snarled in frustration, she was hurt. He could feel the way she struggled to breathe, taking small shallow breaths to keep from expanding her lungs too much, keeping the movements of her ribs to a minimum. He had lived through that kind of pain, he knew it intimately and to know that she was going through it…
'Tell me where you are.'
'....why?'
'Please?!' He was desperate, felt Tony's eyes on him, the moment he had something, anything… he could feel the way she struggled to open her eyes. Look around her. A feeling of hopelessness filling him. 'What is outside?'
It took a few moments before she responded. 'You are very kind'
**
He was frustrated at her response and she was very tired, exhaustion swamping her very suddenly. Her brows drew together, why had she reached out to him? She had heard his laugh...
‘Hey’
Her eyes fluttered open for a moment and she thought it funny as he couldn’t see her. Thank god for small blessings.
‘Stay with me?’
She hummed softly.
‘What song is that?’
‘..little light of… gonna let it..’
‘I will come for you.’
‘He’ll never let me go.’
‘Give me an address.’ Bucky paced, Steve watched him, muscles bunching, fists clenching. The blond looked at Nat both sharing a look. ‘Please, sweet girl?’
‘...’
He could feel the dark edges of sleep tugging at her, ‘address? I swear I’ll take care of everything.’
‘..you don’t even know me…’
‘Let me learn.’
He was her soulmate, he was the one she should believe and trust in right? She could feel him, as if he were right there, just a millimeter out of touch, his breath held. And she told him, her heart stuttering as the front door opened and he called her name.
She closed off, he did not need to see her weakness. ‘Oh.’ The singular word reverberated through her, the echo of pain making her grimace. This she was used to, he couldn’t touch her mind or heart.
**
Bucky clutched his chest, her fear was so heavy and real, the others moved as quickly as he breathed out her address. Steve catching his elbow as he missed a step, she was scared and scrambling to hide.
“We got it, come on,” Steve assured him, bodily dragging him out. He wouldn’t leave him behind. Not that he had a choice in the matter.
“D-Dawn..”
Steve paused, “what?”
“Her name is Dawn..” Bucky could barely breathe as her fear overtook him, leaning into Steve heavily. ‘I’m coming..’ he promised her.
‘Don’t!’
Steve clenched his jaw as Bucky let out a broken noise, “I c-can’t feel her-”
**
He was angry, she remembered the last time he had come home this angry, this drunk. She scrambled under the bed, up against the wall where she could watch him. He tore through the house, came into the room and stood in the doorway.
He promised he was coming and she shut it down. He would come and there was nothing he could do. No one could beat him, he wouldn’t allow it. Friends had tried before and they had been beaten and driven away.
She had been lonely, she should have kept him locked away but the pull to feel him had been greater than she had been able to fight. Just a peek… and she had told him her address. Oh, god, what had she done? If he found out… she screamed as a hand clamped around her ankle.
“There you are…” he growled, dragging her out roughly, tugging her under him and the two tousled for a moment. Terror making her fight, hands flying up against his, until his fist connected and she stilled. He cocked his arm when the doorbell rang. “The fuck?”
**
It came in flashes and the metal of the jet twisted under his fist, she was hurt, she was being hurt and quite suddenly it stopped. She had tried to block him out, to keep him from feeling her, but he suspected what she was going through had been more than she had been able to deal with. He had felt every hit, the rising panic, her heart racing and he wasn’t there to stop it.
The plan was to let Natalia go first, they had held back as she went up to the door and rang the bell, that didn’t work.
The moment the door opened he pushed past Nat and the pathetic excuse of a man to find her. He didn’t pay attention as the man shouted, yelling loudly, screaming and shoving at Bucky. Steve and Nat rushing to catch up, Bucky turned to face the man, red in the face as he screamed at Bucky. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY-”
Nat grinned as Bucky slammed his fist into the man's face, he crumbled quite quickly and Bucky turned opening each door he came across.
*
It was a dream.
She was sure of it.
“Dawn..”
She smiled softly, her name in his voice was sweet. She could indulge in this, let him lift her, let herself press her cheek to his chest, it was after… a dream. Nothing and no one could save her now. No, she was ready, she was giving in. This life was too tiring and she had given away all her hope to just have this little dream.
That perhaps her soulmate had come for her.
That he would love and cherish her.
She huffed at this small weakness, it was a dream...
Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat, did she really believe that? She fell limp against him, a soft huff escaping her and he cradled her carefully against him as darkness swallowed her. She was broken and bruised, she thought this was the end, but he was determined to give her everything when she woke.
His soulmate. Bucky pressed his lips to her temple as he straightened with her in his arms, eyes meeting those of Natalia’s and then Steve’s.
Dawn.
How fitting, he would give her a new day to look to. He would prove himself to be everything she had hoped, prayed and wished for.
Dizzying spells. A putrid blackout. Everything recedes to a single point where it all started. I hate to call you out and put you on the spot, but the fields are all greyed out—a fitting metaphor for an impasse decaying to an end…
…your farewell.
On this plane fraught with perils of impermanence, through the trenches where sight drowns in their depths, once in a while, two unlikely bodies will…
Ceramic coated. Buffed and polished. Curves enough to cut the wind. How she endured him. His ogling of her nakedness. Sitting there. Drooling like a bloodhound. Growling. And if not for the need, she wouldn’t give him the time of the day. His whisky-scented breath with a hint of something dried and dead for a base note regurgitated words out of his throat, as a cat would with a hair ball. He…
