..𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ. arirang // jjk ..𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ.
11: you tie my shoes and i love you // series m.list // no taglist
note: here it is !! the long awaited update. enj my loves <3
//
life with jungkook begins again that sunday morning.
it felt a little strange to wake up next to him. to stir awake in his arms, nuzzled in the crook of his neck, with your legs tangled together under the sheets. his morning kisses still felt the same, even though you both know deep down that something has changed between you two.
something has shifted.
yet, it’s so unspoken that even your thoughts fail to construct themselves. everything just feels so delicate—like one (more) wrong move and everything between you two will become fragments of a sad love story untold. it claws your heart in so many agonizing ways.
the confusion, hurt, and fear.
so much fucking fear.
when did you become capable of this? of loving someone so much it made you conscious of yourself? or of being loved someone so much that every decision big or small effects them too?
... and you think he'll bring it up. you hold your breath every time there's a passing moment of silence between you two. you prepare yourself mentally for his questions or for the clarity he craves and deserves but is stuck fogged up in your chest... and perhaps it’s the sleepy morning sex or the exchanges of coffee kisses, but it doesn’t come up.
instead, he is gentle.
instead, his silence is rest, reassurance, and trust.
instead he is unconditional and his arms stay open no matter how much you anticipate for him to close off.
it drives you a little crazy... how you haven’t even apologized for anything… because, yes. there are things to apologize for. you aren’t completely sure what, but you know you should apologize for something. that’s the mature thing to do, right?
to give in first.
the bed is empty when jungkook wakes up.
his arm searches for you out of habit, eyes still closed as he reaches across the mattress and is met with… nothing. jungkook’s brows twitch faintly, eyes opening slowly only to see that the sheets beside him are wrinkled. he places his hand on your spot and notices that it’s cold.
it probably has been for a while.
quickly, he tries to recall anything you said last night and is quickly stumped. the school semester is over and there’s no way you would be meeting up with ambi this early in the day. what else could it be? what could be so important for you to leave him in the morning?
you two are okay again.
finally fucking okay.
he’s so grateful.
to be with you again… feels indescribable. though he acknowledges everything that happened between you two, he doesn’t feel the need to talk about it. at least, not right now. not when everything feels close to perfect.
at the same time, he’s prepared if you want to talk about it—talk about everything and nothing. from the timeline, his apology drafts in his notes app, and his key points of devotion for you—all of it.
everything.
he has everything ready for you. if you want it, he’ll give it to you… you just have to ask.
jungkook sits up, refusing his thoughts to go any further. it’s too early to be sad, and he has to at least give the day a chance before the sun comes up. so, he rubs his eyes and sits in it.
in this terrible feeling of waking up without you and not knowing where you are.
his chest tightens before he can stop it.
it’s ridiculous, honestly… how quickly his mind drifts these days. it embarrasses him a little because it’s so pathetic. really, it is. what grown thirty-six year old man yearns like this?
you leave once and suddenly every absence feels catastrophic.
a bathroom door closed too long, a missed phone call, or waking up without your body beside his… it’s like his brain reacts before logic can catch up.
like he’s been pushed off a boat and left to swim toward shore through violent waters, lungs burning while he searches desperately for something stable to hold onto. as a matter of fact, he thinks his lungs could collapse if you leave again. it’s like love has rewired his nervous system into something fearful and feral all at once.
before you left, jungkook never knew panic could feel so physical.
now it lives inside his body and takes over when moments like this happens.
empty sheets.
silence.
and the worst part is that he knows it isn’t fair.
you came back.
you chose him again.
yet some wounded-bunny part of him still braces for abandonment, like it’s inevitable now. like happiness has become something so borrowed, so almost. like if he loosens his grip for even a second, you’ll disappear from his life all over again and this time he won’t survive it nearly as gracefully.
because the first time nearly killed him.
all that remains now is this terrifying awareness of how much he loves you, how much he has to lose, and how much he has given up.
… then his heart skips a beat.
the faint sound of cabinets closing, ceramic against marble, and the coffee machine humming quietly from the kitchen cause him to exhale in relief.
it leaves him slower than it should.
he drags a hand down his face, lingering there for a moment longer than necessary. grounding himself. waking himself up properly before his brain starts doing cruel things again.
everything is okay.
it has to be.
you came back.
you’ve been sleeping in his arms. you let him kiss you every morning with sleepy lips and warm hands beneath his shirt like none of this was ever impossible… but, fuck.
still.
there’s something fragile in the air.
something that feels one breath away from collapsing again.
as much as jungkook hates to admit it, he feels it in the way you sometimes hesitate before touching him. he wasn’t sure what it was before, but now he can’t help but notice it because it happens often enough to worry him. it happens enough for him to feel the need to prepare to run after you. it happens enough to scare the living shit out of him.
it’s in the way you look at him like you’re trying to predict which version of him you’re going to get. it’s in the way both of you speak softer now.
careful.
conscious.
afraid.
it hurts jungkook deeply as he realizes that love has suddenly become something breakable… and he can’t even find it in himself to blame you for that.
he’s thought about it over and over again lately—trying to understand you without resenting you for the distance between you two. you’ve never done this before. you have never depended on anyone before. you have never put anything down. how can he blame you for not knowing what lightweight feels like when you have carried so much for so long?
yet, he feels helpless.
it feels like he’s always standing in front of you holding flowers while you struggle to carry a glass vase already slipping from your hands.
there are places for you to set it down. places to rest. people willing to help. he is willing to help… but you refuse every time. you insist you can hold it on your own, even as the weight starts making your hands shake. and whenever jungkook reaches forward to steady it, you stumble back so quickly the vase nearly slips altogether.
so where does that leave him?
standing there helplessly while the flowers wilt in his hands… or stepping closer and risking you dropping everything entirely?
jungkook finds you standing in the kitchen all dressed up.
your hair is tied back perfectly with a few strands loosely framing your pretty face. his first thought is; wow. you look so grown up.
he's never seen you look so mature. he can’t help but smile because wow... aren't you just the prettiest sight. he can't get over it. every second of you feels so new. he indulges in your delight.
he loves every detail.
you're wearing heels! he's never seen you in heels before. in fact, he didn't know you owned a pair.
“___,” he says, breath taken away. “you look so pretty.”
jungkook walks toward you slowly, like sudden movements might scare you away again. his hands slide around your waist from behind, palms warm against your stomach.
“morning,” you murmur.
then, you melt into him automatically. in response, he presses his mouth against your temple first.
then your cheek.
then finally your lips.
jungkook kisses you longer than usual. perhaps it’s because of his little morning scare, or maybe it’s because your look is really getting him in the mood. his thumb brushes softly over your stomach through your blouse.
“did we have plans today?” he asks against your mouth. “so early. come back to bed. you're gorgeous in this, but i want to take it off you.”
you give him a funny look.
he tilts his head in confusion.
“it’s my orientation today.”
you say it like you’ve talked about it nonstop.
you haven’t.
jungkook would’ve taken note… he couldn’t have missed this. he wouldn’t have.
“orientation?” he asks. “for what?”
“for the internship.”
and just like that… everything shifts.
again.
it’s subtle.
so subtle that maybe nobody else would notice it.
but you notice and jungkook stills behind you.
not fully, but just enough. his arms loosen slightly around your waist. his mouth parts like he’s about to say something reassuring first before his confusion catches up to him.
“… you’re still doing it?”
you nod once, turning toward the coffee machine.
“what does that mean?” you reply with a hint of a defensive tone. “when did i say i wasn't going through with it?”
the internship.
you did mention it… before the fight. before everything, but not recently.
and when did you two decide on this? when was this discussed and taken into consideration in terms of where you are in your pregnancy and where you two are emotionally? isn’t this too much on your plate? and fuck.
seriously.
did he really forget about the internship?
then it hits him.
maybe part of him just assumed that your life would slow down now. he assumed things would change. jungkook assumed you’d stay tucked safely inside the little world he was already building around you.
the realization makes guilt crawl beneath his skin almost instantly.
because he knows how that sounds.
controlling.
selfish.
but beneath all of it is something uglier.
fear.
he thinks about you struggling to get comfortable at night. your swollen ankles and he way you wince getting out of bed sometimes when you think he’s asleep. the way he caught you crying in the bathroom last week because your body “doesn’t feel like yours anymore.”
most of all, he’s afraid of being the one thing you choose to down.
and now you want to work? the school semester just ended for you… shouldn’t you take a break?
jungkook swallows hard.
“when were you gonna tell me?”
“i'm confused... jungkook, i'm pretty sure i’ve mentioned it,” you say rather passively. “if i didn’t, then i guess i’m telling you now.” your voice stays light, but he hears the defensiveness tucked inside it immediately.
his jaw tightens.
“i just thought maybe…” he pauses carefully. “maybe you weren’t doing it anymore. i mean, with all things considered.”
you finally look at him then.
“all things considered?”
“___, you’re pregnant. you’re about to give birth in like… a month and a half. besides, these kinds of things require more of a discussion, decision, and compromise between the both of us. you can’t just do things without telling me or considering me. us, i mean. you, me, the baby… be honest… did you really think this thing through?”
the words fall heavier than he intends and your expression shifts almost instantly.
jungkook feels regret stab through him immediately.
“baby, i just mean—”
“i applied for this before the pregnancy. i’m sorry if i didn’t consider you then and this is happening now,” your voice stays calm, but your shoulders tense beneath his hands. “this is important to me.”
“i know that,” jungkook agrees.
“do you?”
“i never said it wasn’t.” jungkook exhales. “of course i do.” his voice softens as he reaches for you. “i wanna support you. i do, baby. i just… i don't think the timing is good at all. your plate is too full.”
he looks down briefly, trying to organize feelings that all sound terrible out loud... because the truth is that he doesn’t think this internship is worth it. he doesn’t want you exhausted. he doesn’t want strangers stressing you out or overworking yourself.
he doesn’t want you to need anything but him.
and maybe that last thought is the problem.
“___, i don’t think you’re being reasonable with yourself right now,” he says carefully. “can you even do this? you can barely tie your own shoes these days.”
your face hardens immediately and jungkook realizes too late that his words slipped out too easily. too thoughtless.
fuck.
the second the words leave his mouth, he wants them back.
you go still.
completely still.
jungkook watches your throat bob once before you gently pull away from him. not dramatic or angry and somehow that makes it worse.
“okay,” you murmur.
“that’s not—”
“it’s fine, jungkook.” you tell him. “it’s okay. we can disagree on this. but i’m still going today and i hope you can be more supportive about this when we talk it over later.”
suddenly he feels it again.
that horrible distance.
like he’s standing right in front of you but somehow losing you anyway.
“a-and i’m not trying to be selfish, just so you know. i’m doing this for our future too. i’m doing this so i have stability for myself and don’t depend on you. i know you can do the heavy lifting. i know you can pay for the mortgage and buy me a house with a white picket fence if i ask nicely—i get it. but do you get that i’m not asking you to? that this internship is for me,” you say quietly, staring down into your coffee. “this was before you and the baby. this is the last thing i get to do for myself before i devote the rest of my fucking life to you and the baby. do you get that?”
“is devoting to us so bad?” jungkook hisses. “what the fuck are you even saying, ___?”
“i would love to lie in bed and just be yours,” you confess. “but i would never forgive myself for not doing more. for not following through with my passions and abilities just because i…”
because i love you.
you pause.
jungkook searches for your eyes.
“can you just trust me, jungkook?” you plead. “this isn’t about you, the baby, or any of that—”
“any of our life together?”
“stop,” you breathe. “please stop.”
guilt blooms hot in his chest because he understands what you mean immediately.
pregnancy has consumed everything.
your body.
your routines.
your future.
your relationship.
everyone looks at you differently and handles you differently.
especially him.
and maybe somewhere along the way, protecting you started feeling dangerously close to controlling you.
jungkook rubs a hand over his mouth.
the kitchen suddenly feels too small.
too warm.
“i don’t think you understand me right now,” you sigh eventually. “i’m going to be late if i try to explain myself even more. i’m in no mood to start a fight, and i get that asking you to understand may feel unfair… but fuck, jungkook… please?” you ask as you reach for your bag.
instantly panic flares inside him immediately.
“wait.”
you pause.
“let me drive you.” he’s already stepping back toward the hallway. “i just have to change.”
hesitation flickers across your face. it’s small and brief, but it’s still enough to make his stomach twist.
“... w-what? do you not want me to?”
“i do want you to... it's just that...” you say softly. “jimin offered already. he’s outside.”
jungkook stops moving.
“he helped me get the internship,” you add quickly. “he wanted to send me off.”
and there it is.
that sharp ugly feeling.
jealousy.
resentment.
mixed with something bitter and exhausted.
of course it’s jimin again.
of course someone else gets to stand beside you during important moments while jungkook somehow keeps ending up on the outside of them. his tongue presses hard against the inside of his cheek.
“… why are we fucking stuck here?” jungkook sighs. “why… why are we here again, ___?”
you close your eyes immediately.
not angry.
tired.
“please,” you whisper. “i don’t wanna fight.”
“this isn’t fighting.”
“then don’t make it one.”
jungkook laughs quietly under his breath.
a humorless sound.
“jungkook, this isn’t about him.”
“right,” he mutters. “and it’s never about me either.”
the second he says it, your face falls.
he knows he’s putting you in a tough spot. he knows this is near pointless. he knows he’s just being a jerk that woke up on the wrong side of the bed—but he also knows that the shit he’s saying is true. that he has pushed them down far enough.
but two things can be true at once. your truth and his.
this isn’t fair.
he knows you’re trying.
he can literally see you trying as you step toward him slowly, lips pouting a little as your fingers reach for his wrist.
“i have to go,” you lean up to kiss him goodbye. “have a good day, okay?”
and god.
he wants to let you.
he wants to melt immediately.
he wants to wrap his arms around you and apologize and tell you he’s just scared all the time now. he wants to stop time and find a way to rewind this morning just so he can be kinder, softer, and more yours…
because right now he’s so scared of losing you.
scared of hurting you.
scared that he’s already becoming the kind of man you’ll eventually resent.
but the jealousy, hurt, and misunderstanding get there first. so instead of kissing you goodbye and wishing you luck, jungkook takes a small step back… and the look on your face after nearly fucking kills him.
you try to hide it.
you really do.
but he sees the way embarrassment flashes across your expression before you lower your hand. you blink at him before attempting to smile. then, you turn around and leave.
the door closes softly behind you, soft enough that it feels intentional and it absolutely kills him. it’s like even now, you’re still trying to protect his feelings.
jungkook stands there staring at the door long after you’re gone.
his chest aches.
the building where your internship is makes you feel so grown up.
it’s exactly the way you imagined it would be with the cold glass stretching high into the clouds and the polished marble floors.
the space is filled with employees and their quick footsteps. at one point, you notice a group of girls your age with prettier resumes than yours clipped neatly onto lanyards hanging from their necks and it makes you feel a little worried.
then you realize… you’re already in.
they’re applying.
pride blooms in your chest.
then, you turn your head to follow a scent. everything smells expensive. you can't differentiate what has you in a trance. could it be the coffee, the different perfumes the linger, or the building itself?
you stand in the lobby smoothing your hands nervously over the front of your blouse while orientation assistants direct people around with bright smiles and practiced voices.
you feel good.
really good.
important, almost.
like yourself again.
not somebody’s girlfriend not girlfriend. not somebody’s future wife. not somebody’s mother. not a student anymore…
just… you.
your name.
your accomplishments.
your ambition.
your potential.
you catch your reflection briefly in the mirrored elevator walls and feel something warm bloom inside your chest.
see?
you can still do this.
you’re still you.
and even the thought alone feels embarrassingly emotional, you let it. for once, you let yourself fucking feel what is true.
ever since becoming pregnant, it felt like pieces of your identity have started blurring together in ways you weren’t prepared for. every conversation somehow circles back to the baby. every concern about your body becomes medical, practical, or protective.
maybe that’s why this matters so much. you need proof that you still belong to yourself too.
orientation begins on the twenty-seventh floor.
the conference room overlooks the city skyline, sunlight pouring through the windows while interns introduce themselves one by one. resumes. goals. prior experience.
you sit straighter every time someone speaks, doing your best to look as engaged and attentive as possible.
trying to at least.
when it’s your turn, you introduce yourself with a smile.
your voice barely shakes.
the coordinator seems impressed with your background immediately and asks you questions. you’re showered with compliments about your previous work and how much your school faculty vouched for you. at one point, you make a friend.
one of the interns beside you whispers; “girl, your portfolio’s insane, by the way.”
and god.
it feels good to hear that.
your cheeks warm with quiet pride as you thank her softly. you can't help but feel so much excitement and optimism.
but that only lasts so long.
after an hour passes, you feel your lower back ache.
then another hour passes, and you feel your need to pee every fifteen minutes kick in.
the expensive scents that had you in a trance earlier? suddenly they're too overpowering. you get a little nauseous, but worst of all is that it makes your head start to hurt.
it gets to a point where you excuse yourself for a breather. everyone nods, their eyes not shying away from your bump. you gulp as everyone watches you leave.
you tell yourself it’s fine.
you’re fine.
you are completely fine.
you’ve handled worse than discomfort before.
still, when the building tour begins, your body protests immediately. the heels of your shoes dig painfully into your swollen feet. your backache intensifies. your beginning to get lightheaded.
you trail behind the group slightly while the coordinator speaks enthusiastically about departments and opportunities and networking events, but her voice starts sounding fuzzier the longer you walk.
too warm.
everything suddenly feels too warm.
your blouse sticks uncomfortably to your skin beneath your cardigan while your stomach tightens faintly beneath the fabric.
the baby shifts.
hard.
you pause instinctively, palm pressing against the underside of your stomach.
“___? are you okay?” the girl beside you asks gently.
your answer comes automatically.
“yeah, i’m okay.”
she smiles and continues walking. you follow immediately despite the ache crawling down your hips.
because that’s what you do.
keep going.
keep smiling.
keep proving yourself.
then, your phone buzzes.
jungkook: hi baby did you eat lunch yet? read. jungkook: i was a jerk this morning. i'm sorry read. jungkook: also hope ur day is going well excited to hear abt it later over dinner pls go on a dinner date with me :( pls ...
your throat tightens unexpectedly…. because suddenly all you can picture is him standing barefoot in the kitchen this morning looking half asleep while rubbing circles against your stomach through his hoodie.
you think about the way his face fell after stepping away from your goodbye kiss.
you think about him tying your shoes three days ago because you’d gotten frustrated trying to bend over.
your chest aches.
the afternoon drags afterward and your body has now given up.
your ankles are visibly swollen and your smile hurts to maintain. your stomach feels so heavy that standing upright for too long makes you want to cry a little. you had to excuse yourself to pee like six times in the span of one hour.
still.
every time someone asks if you need a seat first, or help carrying materials, or water and in response; you refused.
somewhere deep down, accepting help still feels too close to weakness… and maybe pregnancy has made that worse.
it’s humiliating sometimes.
not because jungkook makes you feel incapable.
god no.
if anything, he loves you too carefully.
that’s the problem.
he notices everything.
every wince, every sigh, and every moment of discomfort you try to hide. sometimes you catch him watching you with this quiet worried expression, like he’s mentally calculating ways to make the world softer for you.
you used to think it was suffocating.
now, halfway through another department tour while your feet throb so badly you can barely focus, you suddenly wonder if maybe you’ve misunderstood him all along.
maybe love looks a little like being witnessed.
maybe love looks like someone noticing when you’re struggling before you say anything at all.
your eyes sting unexpectedly as you realize just how much you miss him. the realization hits hard enough to make you stop walking for a second.
you want him.
you need him.
you love him more than you’re willing to admit… and it’s getting tiring carrying all of this. it’s tiring being everything all at once. your chest tightens as you finally let yourself put something down;
your pride.
by the time you leave the building, your body feels so unbearably heavy. you haven’t been this tired in months. it’s like exhaustion has settled somewhere deeper than your bones. your feet ache. your back burns. your stomach feels tight and sore from carrying yourself upright all day while pretending none of it was difficult.
maybe that’s the most exhausting part of all.
pretending.
pretending you aren’t struggling, or that you didn’t need any help. pretending that your independence still feels empowering instead of lonely.
you can’t help it.
the elevator ride down had been your breaking point.
one whole minute of uninterrupted silence. one whole minute of no smiling, no introductions, and no trying.
just stillness… and suddenly every ache in your body became impossible to ignore.
in one breath, you realize how much relief you feel at the thought of coming home to jungkook… and everything he is. your chest tightens painfully at the realization because suddenly, the thought of going home to an empty apartment sounds unbearable. you think you might actually cry if jungkook isn’t there.
maybe home has never really been a place for you.
maybe it’s always been a person.
as you step out of the elevator, you take your phone out from your bag and open it. quickly, you realize you never texted him back.
fuck.
your stomach twists immediately.
as you’re about to answer him, you reach the front of the lobby and the revolving doors slide open. cold air brushes against your skin and then—just like all the moments with him in the past—you feel him.
his presence.
and just like that, you lift your head and see him.
jungkook is standing outside the lobby with wire-framed glasses slipping slightly down his nose. his oversized denim jacket makes him look broader than he already is, his dark hair visibly messy from running his hands through it too many times. he’s holding a shopping bag in one hand and flowers in the other.
god.
he looks painfully handsome.
he looks like home.
a sudden thought comes up; maybe that’s what finally scares you… how badly you want to rest there. like every soft place your body has been craving all day without you realizing it. the second his eyes land on you, he smiles.
it’s small at first.
then it softens completely as he takes you in.
relief floods his face so openly it nearly wrecks you on the spot. like he’s been anxious for hours. like physically seeing you standing in front of him settles something violent inside his chest.
his shoulders visibly loosen as you walk closer to him. the tension in his jaw easing for the first time all day.
and god.
nobody has ever looked relieved by your existence before.
wanted you? yes.
desired you? absolutely.
but relieved? like your presence alone quiets something terrible inside them? the realization makes your throat tighten immediately because maybe leaving him really did break something in him… and somehow, he still loves you gently anyway.
you stop walking for half a second because suddenly you feel shy.
which is ridiculous.
this is jungkook.
your jungkook.
the man who has seen every version of you.
still… because things between you two have felt so fragile lately that seeing him waiting outside for you anyway makes your chest ache in a completely different way. in a way where you feel this overwhelming rush beneath your skin. like you need to kiss him immediately or you’ll lose your mind. like you need to be in his arms or you’ll lose vision in your left eye.
dramatic, ridiculous and painfully real.
you want his hands on you.
not sexually.
just… somewhere. anywhere. enough to remind your body that you aren’t alone anymore and that you need him in a way you never have before.
so, you pick up your pace.
you walk toward him, prepared to do it. to give in. to finally put your pride down. to tell him he was right about today and how you should’ve listened. but when you finally stand in front of him, you open your mouth and nothing comes out.
instead, you just stare at him.
and in return, jungkook smiles at you like you’re his entire world.
his eyes move slowly over your face like he’s checking for damage.you feel your own eyes sting almost immediately when he leans forward and presses a kiss against your cheek. his lips linger there for half a second too long.
your eyes close instinctively. your body leaning toward him before your pride can stop it. already at a loss for words, jungkook suddenly crouches in front of you.
instantly, your breath catches sharply enough your lungs hurt because he does it so naturally. he reaches for the strap of your heels and begins undoing them quietly. he doesn’t ask you anything. doesn’t comment on how swollen your ankles look right now or tease you for overdoing it.
instead, his fingers brush against your ankle gently, steadying your leg automatically so you don’t wobble.
his glasses slide further down his nose as he looks down in concentration. you notice the faint crease between his brows. the careful way he holds your ankle steady in his palm.
your stomach twists painfully because when was the last time you treated yourself gently? and something inside you starts unraveling immediately because this is the first time all day someone has treated your body like something deserving of care instead of performance. this is the first time you’ve been taken in regardless of your pride.
this is the first time you let it happen too.
you don’t pull away and you don’t insist you can do it yourself. you don’t apologize for taking up space.
you just let him love you in his own way.
the terrifying part is how natural it feels. how quickly your body melts the second someone else starts carrying the weight for you.
jungkook slips the heel off carefully and the relief is immediate. your shoulders sag without permission, and his brows pinch faintly at the reaction like he’s upset you were uncomfortable for longer than necessary.
then he reaches into the shopping bag beside him.
your favourite pair of sneakers.
your throat tightens as jungkook slides one onto your foot carefully before moving to the other side. still silent. still gentle.
his thumb brushes softly against the inside of your ankle, absentmindedly and instinctively. it’s intimate in the way only long-term love can be.
and suddenly you can’t breathe properly.
all day long you kept forcing yourself through discomfort like enduring pain quietly was something noble all the while jungkook loves you like resting is allowed.
your vision blurs instantly.
fuck.
you look away quickly, pressing your hands against your face before the tears can fully spill… except they already are.
before you knwo it, your shoulders shake once. then again… and again.
jungkook freezes mid-knot.
panic flashes across his face before he even looks up properly.
“… baby? why are you crying?”
his voice changes immediately. he sounds soft, concerned, and truthfully a little scared. you realize suddenly that your tears frighten him now. like losing you once taught him to panic first and think second.
you shake your head quickly behind your hands, mortified from your own body’s betrayal. you can’t believe it… how pathetic you must look right now.
“i’m okay,” you whisper.
but the words crumble the second they leave your mouth because you aren’t okay. perhaps that’s the first honest thing your body has admitted all day.
“s-sorry,” you whisper weakly. “i just… fuck, jungkook…”
another sob catches in your throat.
“you tie my shoes and i… i love you.”
the confession slips out before you can stop it.
jungkook stills completely.
then he stands immediately after tying the laces, his hands wrapping gently around your wrists to pull them away from your face. his brows knit together the second he sees how hard you’re crying.
“you love me?”
his hands cup your face carefully.
your eyes flutter shut for half a second on instinct alone like your body recognizes safety before your mind does. your breathing slows instinctively beneath his touch like your nervous system knows him by heart now. his thumbs brush beneath your eyes over and over while he searches your expression like he’s trying to figure out where the damage is. he hates seeing you cry. he didn’t realize just how much until now.
jungkook’s face crumples slightly.
“baby, talk to me.”
the tenderness in his voice only makes you cry harder.
fuck.
he sounds so worried. so loving. so invested.
so… yours.
“look, i’m sorry about this morning,” jungkook says quickly when you can’t answer. “i shouldn’t have pushed you like that, i just…”
he pauses before briefly dropping his forehead against yours.
the contact makes your knees feel weak instantly.
you can feel him breathing. it’s uneven and shaky. it’s like he’s trying very hard not to unravel with you.
“fuck,” he whispers. “i was worried about you all day.”
your chest caves inward. you feel the pit of your stomach twist violently. you might actually throw up from how overwhelming all of this feels.
“you didn’t answer my texts,” he murmurs softly. “i didn’t know if you were mad at me or if something happened or—”
“you were right.”
jungkook’s expression changes instantly.
your lips tremble.
“jungkook… i’m so tired,” you whisper shakily. your voice sounds smaller somehow…
younger.
it’s vulnerable in a way that makes jungkook’s entire face soften immediately. the confession leaves your body like surrender and the second you say it out loud, more tears spill down your cheeks because it’s true.
you’re so tired.
tired of carrying everything alone. tired of treating your body like something to battle against. tired of acting like needing love is the same thing as weakness.
“my feet hurt,” you whisper brokenly. “my back hurts and i could barely focus all day because i was trying so hard to pretend i was okay. at first everything smelled really good and then everything smelled too strong and i got dizzy and nauseous and—and one colleague brought porkbelly for lunch which is fine because he’s allowed to eat whatever he wants b-but i…”
“shhh,” jungkook whispers immediately. his hand slides into your hair instinctively. “it’s okay. what you feel is okay.”
jungkook says it so easily as if your feelings aren’t inconvenient. meanwhile, you hate how pathetic you sound… except jungkook doesn’t look at you like you’re pathetic at all.
he looks at you like he wishes he could’ve carried you through the entire day himself.
“a-and the whole time i kept thinking about you,” your voice cracks harder. “about how angry i got because you noticed before i did.”
his thumbs still softly against your cheeks.
“i don’t know how to stop doing this,” you admit quietly. “i don’t know how to stop carrying more than i can handle.”
your fingers curl weakly into the front of his hoodie like some exhausted part of you is finally reaching for help instead of resisting it.
“i trust you, i really do… but sometimes this doesn’t even feel like it’s about you. it’s about what i put down. where i put it. and how do i adjust to a lighter load? how do i become okay with not being everything all at once?”
the words hang between you both heavily because finally; you’re saying the real thing.
not the argument or defensiveness but the fear underneath it.
jungkook’s eyes gloss over instantly behind his glasses.
“i keep acting like needing you means losing myself,” you whisper. “and i’m so tired of fighting you when all you’re trying to do is love me.”
you grip the front of his hoodie weakly.
“i give up,” you whisper. “i give in.”
a beat.
“jungkook, i love you. i want to be loved by you,” you cry softly. “and i’m sorry for making it feel like you had to beg me to let you take care of me. a-and i’m sorry about the sara thing. whatever the fuck that was… i’m sorry.”
“we can talk about that another time,” he says softly. “let’s focus on you right now, okay?”
his voice breaks completely before he pulls you against him immediately. so fucking desperately… his hand spreads wide against the back of your head protectively like he’s terrified you’ll disappear if he loosens his grip too much. one arm wraps tightly around your shoulders while the other cradles the back of your head, pressing you into his chest like he’s been holding himself together all day and finally can’t anymore.
the force of it almost makes you stumble.
“don’t apologize for anything,” he whispers shakily into your hair. “it’s all okay.”
you cry harder the second he holds you because this is what you were actually afraid of all along.
and it’s relieving to be in this moment with him. to feel not only dependence or vulnerability, but rest.
the terrifying softness of being cared for without needing to earn it first.
being loved enough to finally rest.
jungkook presses trembling kisses against your hairline while his hand rubs slowly up and down your back.
“___, i want you to know that i don’t want less of you,” he whispers. “i don’t want you smaller. i don’t want you quieter or easier or less ambitious. i just want you happy.”
his voice cracks hard on the last word because he means it. more than his pride and more than being right… honestly? maybe more than himself.
another sob leaves your chest instantly.
jungkook pulls back just enough to look at your face again, brushing tears from your cheeks carefully.
“and i know you can do everything alone,” he says softly. “that’s never been the issue.” his forehead presses against yours again, his nose brushing yours gently. “i just don’t think you should have to.”
your eyes squeeze shut.
for the first time in a long time, you let your full weight lean into him completely.
your body practically folds into his.
exhausted from holding yourself up alone for so long.
“thank you for everything,” you whisper, dipping your head low. you kiss him softly, his lips chase yours as you pull away. “thank you for being so patient… especially when i don’t know how to stop carrying everything by myself.”
his thumb brushes slowly beneath your eye before he exhales shakily through his nose, forehead resting against yours.
“then put it down,” he whispers softly.
your brows pinch.
“what?” you ask.
“all of it.”
“we can put it down anywhere you want,” he murmurs. “we’ll figure it out together.”
his hand slides from your cheek down to your wrist carefully.
“for starters, you can leave it by the couch,” he begins, earning a weak laugh breaks through your crying. jungkook pauses and smiles softly at the sound of it. “or we can shove it into some ugly box and hide it under our bed for awhile.”
your lips wobble harder.
his expression turns impossibly tender after that.
“and if you want…” his hand lifts slowly between you both before he presses your palm gently against the center of his chest.
right over his heartbeat.
his heart pounds hard beneath your hand.
“you can put it here.”
your breath catches sharply. jungkook’s eyes never leave yours.
“i love you. i want all of you.” he says. “i have meant every part of my presence with you. since the very beginning. since our first kiss and the first time you ever refused for me to drive you home. since the grocery store. i miss you every second you aren’t with me. i love our baby in every possible way. i love our life together even though it’s just beginning.”
jungkook pauses to take a breath.
“___, you, my love, are all i long for and adore. not because you're the mother of my child or because the timing was right; but because i love waking up next to you even more than i love falling asleep together. because i love your pink lemonade kisses. because i love who i am when i'm with you. i am completely, madly, deeply in love with you in your becoming. i love you as you are. i am completely and utterly yours. i love you with open arms, devotion beyond understanding, and so much life. fuck, ___. loving you brought me back to life… i love you in ways i never knew i could choose to... and that’s the thing; i choose to love all of you.”
