I just finished re-reading King's cage and can I just say, I feel like Mare really overreacted in the ending. Cal did not say he wanted to be king the court officials literally said he's going to be king without giving him an option. Cal literally says something in the lines of "you're not going to ask for my consent first?" And Mare was there and saw the whole thing, yet she decides to place complete blame on Cal.
Cal being king would be a good thing because he now understands how oppressed the reds are and would do what he needs to, to ensure the North can be equal. But Mare doesn't see it that way, someone needs to be on the throne and it's better that it's Cal rather than someone like Maven. I understand's Mare's hatred for the monarchy but like Cal suggested, if she were to be queen with him, they would have ended the wars, helped the scarlet guard and would have ensured peace in the nation together.
Maven's responses to each character calling him out when meeting him for the first time
Restricting to characters he hasn't met:
To Kilorn: . . . do I know you?
To Gisa: you are. so tiny. put down the sewing needle--
To Cameron: Interesting. Did you know I revoked the measures? It was Mother and Father's idea to implement them, not mine. You're welcome in my court anytime, you know.
To Shade: . . . righttttt. Why are you haunting me again? I feel like ghosts should have better things to do
To Bree: You could try to beat me up, true, but why not try my brother first? He's closer, more in reach, plenty awful to your darling sister, if not worse than I am . . . I don't see why not
To Carmadon: Do you like theater? You seem like the type. Why don't we talk about that instead?
To Coriane Jacos (also a ghost): . . . find yourself another bathtub and drown in it
To Daniel Barrow: I ended the war that took your leg. Will nothing satisfy you?
To Ella: . . . Mare wears the dye better, but points for the inspiration
To Nix: My condolences about your daughters, my brother truly is a monster
To Rafe: Given how well Mare pulls off the dye, you'd think someone else could, but at this point? No.
To Ruth Barrow: In fairness, I only tried to kill her once. And do you really need your daughter, like, right there? At all times?
To Tramy Barrow: Wait, is this the Bree one again? Didn't we go over this already?
To Sara (bc she can speak now): Still can't make good use of that tongue of yours, can you?
And that's all I got from off the top of my head and then combing the wiki
They're tragic and gay and their story is so ambiguous (because Victoria decided to take "go girl give us nothing" literally), it's so ambiguous it's free real estate. You can make them significantly more tragic and gay and who's going to tell you no? No one. Not even Victoria, and so guess what I've decided they're an even more tragic love story than Romeo and Juliet (this is not an endorsement for Romeo and Juliet) but they're better, because they're relationship is shrouded in mystery and we'll never know a version that's not perceived through Maven's rose tinted glasses, but that's okay because Maven won't ever know that version either.
i love that red queen puts family as the chief unit of love even above true romantic love like that for some reason is SO overrated in ya media. i dont think of the characters within friendship or romantic groups first, i unconsciously catergorise them into their family.
cal loves mare but cal will put maven first always and he loves his dad and his image so much he’s willing to sacrifice his character and relationship with her to fulfil the expectations set by his family and its not until realising what his MOTHER wanted for him that he lets go. and mare loves cal but she will always put her siblings and parents first which is why everything started with gisa and shade’s loss and it ended with her sister and the loss of her brother too. maven loves mare but he loves elara more even if she twisted him and elara loves maven more than the entire kingdom and thats why she twisted him. and elara couldn’t enact her plan to make maven king without getting rid of his love for cal first!! when shade gets killed mare HAS to kill elara because that is the only way she can make sure her pain is even with at least one person.
cameron does everything for her brother’s safety, she was willing to abandon her morals and dehumanise anyone standing in her way if thats what needed to happen. and after morrey was safe she quit— nothing was worth losing herself over except him. farley and shade’s love was so pure that it brought life and family to the farleys who were already broken with the grief of being halved. their love brought a daughter named after the death of the woman that destroyed the family, and it was so healing.
and that is what KILLS me about the samos family!!! that compared to all this unconditional loyalty— the samos family is a continuous act of playing at love and loyalty, when in reality volos and larentia could not care less about their children because they dont know how to. silver society never showcases this love and so then you have so many parents fucking up their kid in so many ways but doing it out of love because thats how they see it— all except volo and larentia.
so the samos family is an exception. i cant think of evangeline without thinking of elane and ptolemus and i cant think of ptolemus without thinking of evangeline and wren. thats their family. and at least evangeline and ptolemus experienced real love with each other, even if they were never taught it (evangeline’s fear over shade’s death was proof that she could imagine a world without him and it was one of the few times she was genuinely scared in the series).
Red Queen Fan Fiction - To Find the Way Through Part II
Find this on Wattpad
Find this on AO3
Part 1
Part 2
10115 words
Part II
Now
Shade Barrow was called warm, smiling, charming, a person who won others over as if he caught them with the honey of his eyes. Whereas, by virtue of his ability, he evaded all strings.
Tonight, Shade didn’t feel any of that, and he hardly considered himself free of bounds. But knowing himself, he registered the dark mirrors of those traits, how to lie, deceive or – also by virtue of his ability – even kill.
He employed the sinister reflections as a shield when he and Cal returned to their unit.
“Five minutes until relocation,” Shade yelled. He glimpsed at Cal standing straight and princely beside him, fuelled by purpose, as he watched the team react to the order. “Pack lightly,” Shade added. “Four kilogramm per person.” Even than felt too generous given Shade had to jump all of them away. Still they grumbled at that, realizing it limited food supplies if they took the remaining weapons. Shade hardened his face, ready to bark back if they got louder. He emulated Diana although he didn’t reach her leadership skills. Tough and rough, her demands made people strive to meet them, as if to find rewards she never had to promise. She woke people’s ambitions, had achieved a perfect balance of bossiness while Shade had merely mastered being nice.
He bit back the niceties as Cal cleared his throat. The exiled prince didn’t speak but Shade had ideas what to expect: prepare his secret attempt to take Mare back from Maven. Who would they choose to accompany them, when to go, and exactly where to and how to infiltrate the place? Shade glanced over the team, assessing, yet instead of picking someone, Cameron approached him.
“What are you and Cal doing?” she asked. The girl could be annoyingly smart.
“A few kilometers away,” Shade explained. “Leaving the crash site for the rest of the night, to travel on foot tomorrow.”
“Forget orders, Barrow,” Cameron countered. “We worked without before –”
“We, Cameron?” Shade asked sharply and was about to clasp her arm when she flinched. He pulled back quickly and straightened. Exhaled. She didn’t trust him to touch her, to take the chance to carry her away who knew where.
“We’ve lingered too long,” Cal helped out. He met Cameron’s fierce eyes. “We can’t discuss this. Pick what you need.” He inclined his head and pulled Shade aside again, leaving the others to prepare by themselves. He must trust them to manage, or simply could not bother when they had to plan their own secret operation.
Cal motioned for Shade to sit down. “Can you bring then all away and jump 70 km more?” he asked. “With your injury?”
“Don’t you know more about skinhealing?” Shade sighed and sat down. “I’ll have to.”
Cal let him breathe for a moment. “Sara used her own energy on you,” he mused. “That should deal with your exhaustion. But the shoulder itself will need further check-ups later.”
“Thanks for your expertise,” Shade said yet closing his eyes to use the little break. When he opened them, Cal offered him a snack bar and a bottle. Shade received both gratefully and ate.
“Still, since the travel will challenge you enough, we do need another person.” Cal’s tone was serious despite his care for Shade’s well-being. “Nix would have been best.”
But stoneskin Nix was dead and would not have been on this unit’s plane of young operatives anyway. “Do you have an idea how he died?” Shade asked between bites. He could not imagine it. As a newblood stoneskin, guns, blades or fire had been meaningless to Nix.
Cal’s face darkened. “He must have been choked,” he said. “Some elementals use similar tricks in the arenas."
This was not a topic for eating.
“Or Elara got him.”
“Elara?” Shade gasped. How? Nix was impervious to his own gun as well what Elara could turn against him.
“Choked him,” Cal repeated and lifted his hand and tightened it to a fist.
Shade was all too aware of the food moving down his throat when thinking of Elara making Nix use his own hands to kill himself. Be it by strangling or eating soil. It was so sickening Shade was glad Mare had fried the queen.
He rose like a flash and walked on. They would save Mare from such a fate. Already, images of torture and execution threatened him if they didn’t act immediately.
“Or Cameron,” Cal said behind him, also back on track.
Shade glanced over his shoulder. “Have you not seen her just now? She isn’t easily convinced.” Cal’s gaze didn’t waver. “Her silencing sounds great but you really believe she’s ready to inhibit the security as we and Mare walk free?”
Finally, Cal lowered his head as he reached Shade. “She’s too untrained,” he agreed. As if he liked to sound like it was all about practical skill considerations.
Cal followed Shade as he walked back to the team. “Your brothers –”
Shade scoffed. “My brothers weren’t trained to infiltrate holding facilities, your highness. They learned to survive the Choke trenches by themselves.” Cal winced. “And I can’t risk more of my family.” He didn’t think about whether Diana and his family found him risking himself acceptable.
Back with the others, only waiting for the go to jump, Cal whispered. “We need to discuss the basics. Maven will land at this base to interrogate Mare ASAP, to strike back at –”
Shade waved him off. “No time, Cal. When we have the third.”
They could not pick a Scarlet Guard operative fresh from Tuck who might spill their plan as they had no loyalty to Mare, Cal and Shade. Most newbloods had a useful ability but no sufficient fighting skills for this mission. Who they required was –
“There’s our man.” Crance strode through the unit as if taking a – sneaky – walk. Perfect. Shade appraised him as Cal required a second to understand. No half civilian newblood, no soldier sticking to orders, regardless how rebellious. The smuggler from the Mariners gang had the best experience at break-ins to wreak havoc – or retrieve a hostage. He had only to agree. Which was an obstacle, given their limited time and Shade’s little clues how to motivate Crance. How had Diana even convinced him first to join the Scarlet Guard and then their little runaway group?
Shade was so focused he missed Kilorn stepping into his way. Shade was too startled – like a result of his ability? So used to cross every place, he overlooked who was in between. Kilorn grabbed his right shoulder, staring him down.
“I’m not at fault for what you told Farley,” Kilorn insisted.
“…” Shade was unprepared to return to their spat. He had a mission.
Crance had noted their singling him out and covered the distance, his blue eyes curious.
“What did you quarrel about?” Cal asked, suddenly interested in Shade screaming Kilorn down after half an eternity.
Shade grasped Kilorn’s wrist and removed his hand. “I'm sorry,” he bit out under watch from the others, to Kilorn’s slight satisfaction.
“What about Farley? Why didn’t she come?” Crance added in on top. Of course he wondered about her absence, he had worked closest with her who valued him as an asset. Crance had no reason to be glad she wasn’t here. Unlike Shade, so relieved no crash had injured her nor captors taken her away in her state. Damn it. He’d pushed back his relief and his fear about what could’ve happened to her and now they surged up. He couldn’t let them. Any distraction, any pointless fear or moment of hesitation could equal Mare’s death.
“That’s private!” Shade snapped, forgetting to make veiled comments about reassignments and classified information. He used the silence caused by his bark. “Crance, would you be interested to join a little break-in after we move the others away?” Shade’s face had to look pleading but to his luck, the smuggler merely grinned with anticipation. Shade understood. They all rather risked chaos than endure inaction.
Then
It was daunting to wake expecting to go to war, especially if your ache woke with you. Shade’s limbs were numb and heavy, his mauled left shoulder piercing. He flinched when he stirred, stalling to move. Not that it was easy, with Diana clinging to his right side, his right palm buried under her hip.
Fortunately, her lids fluttered as well. As feeling returned, his left hand tickled her am. She moaned, both unnerved and eased, as she struggled to disentangle their legs, lifting herself with effort to steer clear of his left side. Still, the brush of her skin, and the breeze of air as she rose, increased the wish to explore her soft skin. Her smell reached him as she slid out of the bed and he bit his lip.
He yearned to continue tracing the new sensitivity of her body which was doubly silly, as she’d been just as pregnant the weeks before, and he still felt a whiff of shame of deception over sleeping with her last night.
Although no regret, it had been too joyful, urgent, reviving, too reciprocated. Once he’d started to comb through her short yellow curls, he was lost in amazement to be able to do this, to have a heartbeat and the hands to touch her and effortlessly, thoughtlessly, their touches became more intimate. Diana was no less fascinated as she undid his bandage to study the massive new scar on his shoulder and chest and kept her palm tracking his shifting and craving pulse the whole time. After all, the pretense of precaution had turned out unneeded, and the temptation to fuck right under the colonel’s nose was too irresistible. As if bringing Diana back to Tuck pregnant wasn’t enough of a slap to her father, although in fact, she had dragged him here. But the image spoke for itself.
Her concerned gaze at him killed the moment of memory again, recalling, as they dressed, the tasks to face.
Command’s reply from last night returned to him:
“Remain on Tuck during reassessment and arrange with Colonel Farley in the meantime.”
Shade wondered if the generals of Command or whichever idiot clerk wrote the message had any common sense of empathy. Great, telling Diana to defer to her father after informing him she was pregnant when she’d literally run away from him.
Settle your family problems by yourself, it seemed to say, and that was what they planned to do next. Give her father a heads-ups rather than let him hear it from Command.
Once he was dressed, their eyes met, as if by chance, and he obeyed the urge to hug her, an attempt to retrieve the encouragement of lovemaking. At least he called it that, make it seem useful when it felt like he’d used – deceived – her. She’d wanted it, yes, yet he’d meant to and evaded to share his true, complicated, uncertain thoughts about their child and not their bodies and climax.
Only afterwards had he dared to touch her belly, only in bed when they were cuddling anyway, as if there was no outstanding reason to. But – there was, because it was his left that splayed on her abdomen, the hand he’d almost lost along with his life and that palm sought the little life that felt so frail, too, that Shade dreamed of as a tiny, fluttering butterfly.
Dee relaxed in his embrace, offered a smile. “I’m already hungry again,” she mumbled, “and also afraid I’ll be sick after three bites.”
He swayed with her, snapping a piece of leftover cake and ate it. Reluctantly, she took her three bites. Waited. Fingers tapping on the plate, she asked, “shouldn’t you eat more? You can. After almost dying, and healing.”
Food turning to stone in his stomach, he looked at her. “I’m still here,” he said. “I’m not leaving you.” He shoved an apple to her. “I’ll face it with you,” he added, “if you try to eat, too.”
For once, she obeyed him, nor did she get sick.
Death in battle appeared less threatening when you were about to tell a man hating you that you got his daughter pregnant. Shade didn’t know what to say to the colonel but hoped backing Diana helped for the beginning. They sat down in front of his desk and Diana started with platitudes, technicalities, asking for news of Tuck.
Shade didn’t quite hold her hand but Diana placed her hand on his, fingers sliding between his. A touch for display but not support like a lifeline. He tried to look neutral, any show of nervousness understated. All almost professional. There was normalness, hiding smugness, in it, given how they’d run away two months ago. Shade understood the approach, himself assessing the controlled and cool face of the colonel – waiting for the moment the Farleys abandoned restraint and started to scream at each other.
The colonel listened with a similar pretense of civility though Shade believed to catch an idea of suspicion on him. Rightly so.
“I have to talk to the envoy from Montfort myself,” Diana said now. “We have much to share.”
“He prefers to share much with Mare Barrow.” The colonel raised an eyebrow. “I wait for your report, too, Captain. Like why you bother me with silver ex-prisoners? Or why you plan to stay on Tuck now?”
“Mare is our asset. Of course Montfort is interested in her.” Diana smirked. “She excels in front of cameras,” she added, maybe thinking of her own Guard footage, and glanced at Shade. “But so is Shade. His efforts are invaluable, and he was just wounded in the last operation.”
“I’ll partake in my sister’s next mission too,” Shade announced. His face was to display strong resolution as both of them studied him.
But soon the colonel’s attention was on Diana again, as if he had no inkling why Shade had even joined this meeting. “But you won’t,” he said to her.
She swallowed. “As we’re back on Tuck, I plan to rearrange my focus of activities,” she replied.
Now she’ll say it.
“Why would …”
“I have informed Command to adjust my duties. Shade is with me. That’s why he’s here. We’re together. We’re expecting a child,” she quickly dropped piece after piece to get it over with to not lose the moment – and courage – over thinking about wording.
The colonel’s jaw fell.
Diana cleared her throat and her eyes didn’t waver. She glared at her father in challenge and it worked to shut down his worst impulses.
“I’m looking forward to it,” she added.
This was the time Shade should back her up yet every word eluded him, any sentence feeling formulaic and insincere. As he fought the blank in his mind, all he managed to do was stare back.
Luckily, the Farleys were a family used to exchange more glares than words so Shade evaded imminent disappointment by fitting in. Diana had spoken with a surety of his commitment that was foreign to him. Only her fire relieved him after her panicked breakdown yesterday.
Finally, the brooding, pregnant silence broke. “How can you forget what we wanted?” the colonel snarled. “Leave the cause behind –”
Diana exploded. “I just told you I’m making plans and not letting go! I’m even more driven – ” She took a breath, now squeezing Shade’s hand, and knowing she had her father’s attention, went on with a dangerous calm. “Why do you insist the cause excludes behaving like family?”
Something burned in her eyes and Shade noted a shiver in their entwined hands as quiet returned with a conversation took place between their eyes that Shade didn’t understand. He expected them to scream at each other but it seemed like the topic was old to them. And also like they had never put it in words.
Diana wants a family, Shade thought, I’ll be her family. But before he could say that aloud, she inclined her head and stood up.
“If anything, you stopped my commitment,” she accused the colonel. “You locked us up until we were forced to escape. And still we were successful operatives.”
“With whose authorization –”
She didn’t allow him to finish. ”Command agreed with me. You were impeding the safety of our oathed operatives. Obviously you have no place to underestimate me,” she concluded.
Shade rose with as the colonel considered an answer. Don’t underestimate her, Shade almost said but just repeating her words would merely look ridiculous. He left it at flashing another glare as they moved to the door.
When Shade was already out, the colonel called back. “Diana, wait.” To Shade’s surprise, she stopped and turned, then pushed against Shade to signal he should keep out.
Like she realized what a let down he was. She rather faced her father alone. He had said her name in a way so different from Shade’s, with a cold reprimand that pierced Shade through while Diana appeared only exasperated, as if she was used to it.
Out of shame, Shade leaned against the door to eavesdrop. Diana hadn’t fully closed it, like an invitation.
“And I thought you’d spare me the slut-shaming. You only use my name to make the chastising hit harder,” Diana said venomously. “But you have no issue telling me what to do with my own body. My own flesh and blood.”
"Why are you risking your life -"
"I'm rather used to risking my life. I believe in my survival."
The colonel murmured something. “…aware of your capabilities.” What was that an apology?
No. “How will it look? If you lost control of your own body –”
“Maybe I didn’t.” Shade gasped along with the colonel. Obviously, she had not planned a pregancy yet she went on smoothly. “Our soldiers will see how in control I am.” She coughed. “How would it look if the Guard wanted me to give up my child?” She added, like Shade had reminded her yesterday. He hoped it sank into the colonel as another pause lasted.
Eventually, the colonel continued. “Do you believe the …newbloods will still care their blood is red in a few years?”
Shade iced over as Diana snorted. “The silvers are killing them. Have hidden their existence for decades – I don’t know how long. Shade learned it firsthand. He has evidence of the cover-up.”
He blinked against his freeze. As if he carried those papers presentable on his person. But Diana knew how to argue. He’d find them again if the colonel wanted the proof.
“The montfortan envoy sounds different,” the colonel said.
“Is that so?” Dee questioned. “See, they want to be our allies now. Assets. We have to work with newbloods while we have the upper hand.” Incredible how collected she was today. She must’ve prepared for this meeting while Shade had whined to Kilorn.
“The Barrows …”
“Have you meet the Barrows here?” Diana snapped. “They’re a family, just like us.” She paused. “We love each other. If that’s suspicious to you, it’s your fault. Why would Shade want to get to know you if you are like this?”
She had defended him like this the whole meeting and Shade only felt guilt over it. He didn’t blame his wordlessness on the colonel but himself, and he could wallow in it during the longest silence yet.
“We can’t know what’s in 20 years,” the colonel said at last. “We have to be prepared.”
“In 20 years,” Diana replied firmly, “our child will be grown. And they might be newblood or not. I find that’s the least I worry about.”
She clasped the doorknob and Shade stepped back, so he almost didn’t hear the colonel.
“They’ll be a target.”
Dee breathed in. “I know.” Pause. “But when I risk so much, I can also risk affection. Should I give up even more of myself, who I love, because of the silvers? I thought you taught me otherwise, to not let them take everything from us?”
It was another moment before she finally exited, as if she waited for and received a reaction from the colonel.
Outside, she grasped for Shade, fixing his eyes. What did she look for, he wondered, the reason he’d failed so hard?
“You heard it,” she inquired instead and he nodded. She sighed. “I’m so sorry he is like that.”
What? He shook his head and she hugged him like the meeting had shaken her more than she said. Well, he could do this much and hugged her back as the pressure of performance fell off her. “He can never decide if he wants me to fail or to strive harder.”
“I expect nothing from him,” he said. “When he makes himself a villain, I take him as one.” She lifted her head and her eyes showed she did expect better. His heart broke for her, for the affection she still had for her father. He supposed the colonel felt similar about her, too. During the entire conversation, he’d barely paid attention to Shade. “To be honest, I feared he’d eviscerate me.” He grimaced.
“That would be beneath him.” She cackled when he blinked at that. “I don’t care about his sex life and he doesn’t care about mine.”
“Like you have … a deal? But what if … what if it was, umm, an enemy?”
“You worried a silver would woo me?” Her eyebrow twitched. “Even if, he trusts I’d keep my wits about any lover.”
“And now he questions if you have kept your wits?”
No longer joking, she froze. “I don’t know,” she said in a low voice. “After all, it does change my priorities.” She glanced down. “But not my wits. I need all my wits for this.” Diana straightened and caressed his cheek. “He wasn’t this way when we lived in the Lakelands with my mother and sister,” she said softly. “It’s like my father died with them.” Her throat bobbed. “A tiny, silly part of me wished he’d remember himself when I tell him of our baby.”
“Hey.” He cupped her face. “That’s not silly.”
“But unrealistic,” she insisted, and he could not deny that. Her brow fell against his. This was why she didn’t give up on the colonel. She knew he could be different. “And what he says about newbloods …”
It had caught him cold to hear it, and he still felt icicles within him thinking about the insinuation regarding their child. The colonel’s attitude was disheartening, raising worries about the newbloods they’d saved these last months and now brought to Tuck. But this was another matter entirely, one he’d never considered at all – for the few days he had known about it. Yet how could the colonel come up with this right away when Shade had not? Because that was all he saw in Shade, a newblood menace? The colonel mistrusted would- and should-be allies and Shade only wanted to dismiss him for that. Though how could he, when they were tied by blood now?
“Have you ever considered it?” he asked Diana aloud.
She startled. “It doesn’t matter to me,” she claimed yet her blanched face was confirmation. “I just wondered if it was possible.”
“You did think about it,” Shade deduced.
“Well, I told you only a few days ago but I’ve suspected for weeks and had a lot of thoughts,” she rambled, grasping his shirt. “I merely asked Nanny about her children and she didn’t even answer …”
It wasn’t like he blamed her; he was aware how her mind whirled. Still, it was new to him and it pierced him to his heart.
He had passed this on to them. Or maybe not, but whether or not, as long as no one was certain, which might take years, their child would be a possible newblood and facing the same dangers and suspicion as he and Mare did. And he was responsible for that, had to teach them about abilities and silvers and surviving …
He swallowed, shaking, and holding on to Diana whose eyes widened when he was the one unsure on his feet.
“Are you …”
“I’m fine,” Shade insisted quickly, and cleared his throat under Diana’s watch. Cleared it again before he went on. “It’s okay, Dee, I understand.” He forced a smile yet hesitated to state that he hadn’t thought of it. Because he realized it revealed how little he’d thought about the baby at first until this possibility sprang into his face and reminded him how close, undeniable and real their connection was. Did that say the baby being newblood mattered to him as much as to the colonel?
“He’ll either accept us or not,” he said firmly although he wasn’t even sure if he meant us in he and Diana or us the newbloods.
Diana nodded slowly instead of digging furtherr and rather squeezed his arm. “He’ll be reasonable,” she said in a low voice, like a threat if the colonel wouldn't be. She shifted and motioned to walk ahead.
Frowning, Shade followed along. “Diana, what he said was his ‘reason’. To mistrust newbloods.” Better to complain about her father than stay on their specific newblood issue.
She breathed in, pondering as they walked and looking straight ahead. “If that’s so,” she began, “if he believes our child a future traitor, too, then I know which side I’m on.”
He might even make an exception of his special grandchild, Shade guessed. Or use newbloods for battle while his suspicions may never end.
Despite her words, it concerned Diana deeply although she appeared hardly surprised. Even her raging outburst was low-level, reined in. Her flesh and blood, she had told the colonel. She really meant that it didn’t matter to her, that the baby was hers either way.
She glanced over her shoulder to him. “I’m sorry he said all that,” she told him once more, her face serious. “As if you are … the newbloods belong to us. He has to learn that you …” she bit her lip.
“That I belong to you?” he concluded for her and she flushed, looking at him with such love, earnestness and ache he had no idea how to meet. It was like just knowing had changed her, left her careful and curious on another level. She wasn’t merely more circumspect emotionally. It showed a need of her, too, a need that wanted to fuss in reassurance and without saying so, he knew she craved reassurance for herself as well. He could smile for her sake. No, she made him smile. “It’s okay,” he said. “I know all that. You matter to me.” He swallowed. “And I should be sorry. I said nothing in there.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” she replied with a weak, recovering smile. “You impressed him. Don’t you know how hot and dangerous you look when you turn off the sunshine?” Like the threatening newblood he was, neither of them said, because it wasn’t a problem for them. She leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Like you’d kill for me.” For us, she mouthed.
In return, he presented a face that was hopefully as hot and dangerous as she dreamed about.
And I’d do it again, he thought.
Diana found 1001 other tasks to accomplish before the take-off of the rescue mission that night. Control the preparations, check the running of Tuck base, hunt the envoy from Montfort to schedule a meeting and talk to every Guard she knew which were all of them, including their team from the Notch, now here as well. Running the Notch had been one thing and quite another how she unfolded on Tuck. Shade grinned along as she and Crance clapped hands. Was she already making up for the refraining from action to come? Shade, for sure, made up for their coming separation and stayed with her all the way. He wanted to reflect her self confidence, relieved it had returned despite her vulnerable moments that she revealed only to him.
And yet, didn’t pregnancy make her vulnerable by itself? He could not let her down during this time. Diana’s capability would not waver while he struggled to keep up, a tiredness surfacing by noon after a morning of running around. Maybe a residue of his injury and healing? He asked her for a break for lunch.
She agreed oddly quickly and he tried to simply take it in as they found seats, some rows away from Kilorn throwing him a judgingly curious stare. Whatever. Shade needed to enjoy having lunch with his girlfriend, before the fight called back, to eat and hold her close.
To not have to talk about serious issues, thank you very much, Kilorn. They’d had enough of that.
“Did you stay long with your family last evening?” Diana asked suddenly.
Shade startled, remembering how he’d whined to Kilorn during the time she meant. “I did not tell them anything, if you wonder,” he deflected. Dee circled her fork on her plate. Eating came easier to her at noon than mornings. “Do you think we should tell them?” he inquired. It could only be easier than facing the colonel but … well. It would be awkward on another level. Not a matter of informing a commanding officer but sharing their relationship with his family. Their future to come.
“Umm.” Her avoidance amused him and he cackled. “You don’t want to either!”
“It’s a bit much.”
Of course it was. Finally, she was tired. So was he, but fed, his mind became clearer. He was glad she seemed more flushed than sad, energized by their Tuck tour. He took her hand, palm on palm, and glided over each finger. “We don’t have to.”
She glanced down, watching their hands. “Would be better though. They shouldn’t learn of it through rumours and I would not like to explain it to them while you are away.”
“I’d never hear the end of it,” he murmured.
“We ...” She swallowed a last bite of her food. “We’ll visit before you leave and check how it goes.”
He inclined his head and, having cleared his plate, stood up. “Go to the bathroom before the mission briefing?” he said and pulled her hand up when she nodded. The briefing would be here in short time. “Come, let’s jump. We don’t have to walk this time.”
She stayed seated. “No.”
He bent half down. “I believe you were getting used to it?”
“Not anymore.”
“Because –” he blushed.
She shrugged. “Your teleporting made me sick before you even kissed me.”
His face only grew hotter. That he made her sick in two ways … like how he changed her required objective proof. It had seemed like her nausea had improved lately but probably, she had carefully noted her triggers and avoided them because she tried to hide the sickness from anyone else. As if the older newbloods could sniff pregnancy faster than him and she couldn’t bear to see their intimacy found out like that.
Sitting down again, he whispered to her. “You love me despite making you sick all the time?”
Her head jerked up. “You have many skills.” A smirk appeared on her face as her hand clasped his wrist tightly. “Not just that ability. I like when you show off that a little.”
Her gaze burned through him in a completely new way. In public? he wondered, as she glanced around the mess hall, shrugged, and kissed him. Throwing the habit of secrecy out of the window. Probably, their demeanour today had made their closeness obvious enough. Although it tickled him with awkwardness to open up now, it also excited him, so much he wished to show off his skills again, use the bed for a goodbye as he could nap on the plane to prevent his own flying sickness.
By the time she pulled away, he had forgotten the mess hall around them, or how long the kiss had been. He blinked as Dee returned to business. "We'll walk," she announced, and he groaned. “Briefing’s waiting.”
Then
During the briefing, Shade caught mere glimpses of Mare as she outlined the operation, oddly harmonized with the colonel and other officers providing support and adding in. Mare’s serious manner shaded his, though. Afterwards, Shade had a window of spare time with Diana, but the heated mood from lunch had left, the pressure of the mission already looming over him. Yet Diana walked steadily, with confidence, a smile playing on her lips, her fingers teasing him in a subtle attempt of cheer so they could linger in, savour this moment for the two of them as much as they could. And despite his low, Shade was excited to learn where she planned to lead them before the world fast-fowarded again. Until she stopped, spun on her heel and stood before him, leaning toward him and he cradled her elbows in response. “It was strange to meet the colonel again,” he said, “all business and competent.”
Dee nodded. “So you start to get how it is for me.”
Shade gasped, understanding. “I don’t think I can ever see him like that. A trustworthy superior, that is. It always comes back to awful he is to you, how he mistrusts me, and what he’ll think of our child –”
Her palm cupped his cheek and that could’ve been it, gazes tangled, their air shared. Her lips trembled. “I’m glad it’s yours,” she said.
His face flared, not ready for this reaction, this faith in him. He forced on the same smile he’d mastered these last two days and expanded it into a joke. “Why so?” he jested. “Looking forward to have my family with us?”
She frowned when he deflected from the obvious newblood topic. He'd approached it almost by accident while he himself questioned how to deal with it. Either way, he – they – were more than that, and he could do with less heavy issues before the operation, had only wanted another bout of sharing complaints about her father. But Diana blinked, confused, as if she'd expected differently, or at least thought he’d know and take it seriously. She pressed against him, urging. “Well, because I love you!” she exclaimed as one fist gripped his shirt while her fingertips resumed to trace caresses over his face. “Because we’re in love,” she said, softer now. “Together. Not someone …I’d never see again.”
He swallowed. “Would you even have done that?”
Fuck.
“What? Oh …” She looked away, flushed and annoyed. Since he’d assumed wrong – or too on point?
She turned back, straightening so a distance opened between them. “I have done that, for your information. Sex with someone I just met once. Is that okay with you?” Still red, she scowled. “That was a woman though …”
A coarseness had settled into their breathing, unwinding the moment of peace they’d been about to enter. He didn’t want to let it go, grasping its threads before it unravelled completely.
“So that’s how I discover your secrets,” he drawled, a playful hand fishing for the ends of her hair.
Becalmed, her hand sank to his shoulder, travelling further down to his chest. “And what about yours?” she whispered. Coming closer, almost to his ear, almost kissing –
It’d be so easy to follow suit, get wrapped up in this play. But she had revealed something of herself and asked for his secrets. He put his arms around her as his heart hammered, louder and louder. Could he not …?
His hands embraced her waist. “I’m not sure I can live up to that,” he said. His throat was tied. “How to face this. What to feel about this. Deal with it, and what your father implied …”
“Hmm?” She lifted her head yet her tender sound came along with a curious stare.
“Be … a father you’ll be glad of.”
Still she looked so understanding. “We can’t be certain of anything,” she said with gravity. “You have never failed me.”
Yet, he thought.
“We’ll try,” she went on, “as long as we’re sure …” she broke off. Stepped back. Shocked because she’d finally realized.
“You aren’t sure,” she stated with narrowed eyes. “You …” Her hesitation was palpable, not wanting to believe. How could she? He’d told her to be sure all day. “You don’t want it.”
“I am not sure.” He barely heard himself for the ringing in his ears. He watched Diana yet hardly saw what went through her mind. “A baby will stay with us for the rest of our lives …”
“Maybe that is what I want,” she snapped then bit her lip. “To not be alone again,” she added quieter and snorted as if to return to attack. “You didn’t say anything,” she said, her head tilted. “Not today, nor yesterday. Not when I told you I might be pregnant, not anytime before …!” Her voice shook, her chest heaving. “You … you didn’t think you needed to?”
“You never asked me how I felt!” he countered. “You didn’t say how you feel! You’ve been …” But she wasn’t quiet anymore, she had just opened up to him.
Yet as he faltered, her own thoughts and suspicions ran on. “Because …” Something had shattered in her. “Because you expected I wouldn’t want it.” Tears rolled down silently over her face. He had never seen her like that. Her voice didn’t waver but her expression spoke for itself. That sight pierced him so deeply he almost missed her words. What hurt her so?
He should’ve used the seconds she glowered at him. Should’ve grasped her, apologized, explained and made up. In fact, maybe he was the one shocked to be caught and seen through. Until yesterday, he had not believed this was something she wished for. But had he not noticed the truth of her affection for their child …
He shook himself and tried to talk to her but before he found words again, she turned and dashed off with a “excuse me” before he could pull her back to tell her she never was what he expected. She had always been more than that.
Maybe he should gather himself before he ran after her. Prepare his words better – his confession had certainly failed in delivery. Should he not have told her? But … couldn’t they withstand honesty? Her reaction left him aghast, it was like she’d turned into the woman of ice she had been on their first meeting, cold and untouchable, yet while she had seemed incredibly fierce and powerful then, now she was about to shatter. He could not let that happen, let her break after he’d woken something in her, had chased away the cold. She had never been ice but was frozen on the outside. Her glaze had never deceived him, he had seen her ambition revealing of a woman full of wanting.
This was one want of hers, a longing for connection. She wanted their child with passionate, obstinate determination and was ready to protect her flesh and blood. He’d been exasperated when she procrastinated finding out for certain before the prison break. Now he understood – she’d been aware there was no going back for her. So ignorance was her only freedom. For a time.
“You expected I wouldn’t want it.”
Was this why Sara’s offer of abortion had irritated her so? She bristled against people assuming she didn’t want and love her child, believing she wasn’t a family person, and that stabbed her in the heart. And Sara was a professional, a silver following her standard procedure, and a stranger. It cut deeper when he was the one to assume so. Diana must be already anticipating backlash after she’d had a breakdown over that yesterday, and now she was in defense mode over her decision.
Shade groaned, regretting this understanding came too late. He clenched his fists and walked outside so the cold winds lashed against him, waking aches in his still sore shoulder.
He was guilty of making her cry like that, hadn’t thought he could. His mistake, expecting Diana couldn’t be hurt. If the colonel saw her now, he would … what? Shade was still surprised he got away from the colonel’s ire. He wondered if her father cared, looked only for a chance to scold Shade, or if Shade just wished someone would voice his shame as if an accusation absolved him of hurting Diana.
Did anyone but Shade care if Diana Farley cried?
The idea sounded too dark to face but he couldn’t push it away. Her friends were comrades first and she pretended to be strong for them; her father demanded her to be strong. Did she chide herself for crying?
His parents would have tsked if they knew, he was sure – but it’d still be about him, though, and not Diana. One day soon, she’d comfort her crying child. But who would comfort her?
Shade had to do it, if there was no one else. And he’d make others care for her.
He stumbled when he noticed a follower, gravel grinding beneath his boots.
It was her. For the first time, she was the one to sneak up on him and it’d be prime amusing if things weren’t so bitter between them right now. She froze as he startled, her moves controlled and delicate. Her hand reached out to him, as she met his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “You did not think that. I mean, you were the first to figure out and say I want the baby.” She chuckled joylessly. “I shouldn’t blame you.” She pulled her hand back when he didn’t take it and he immediately regretted to have missed the chance. Now he was fixed on how her fingers knotted.
“But you were right,” he said hoarsely, “I didn’t know you wanted it – until yesterday. I told you. I can tell you want it. Love it.” Her gaze flipped to him. “You won’t let anyone take it from you, nor will I.
“But I made you cry, Dee. You should blame me.”
Her lids lowered. “That’s hardly the main matter here.”
There it was, she literally confirmed her tears had no consequence. He grasped her upper arm. “It does matter if you’re hurt,” he insisted. “And I shouldn’t be the only one who cares.”
He started to stroke her cheek, soft yet reddened, from cold and crying. Her eyes still bore the marks of tears, too. She breathed heavily and didn’t push him away, at least. Finally, she took his hand, leading him to stones to sit down on. Wind rushed over them that, blowing her curls over her face.
“Do you know why I cried?” she asked. He swallowed, inclined his head. She searched his face for the answer. “Who wants me to have it?” she went on. “Who trusts me to be a good mother? Or just to love it?”
He squeezed her hand. “I trust you to.”
She nodded with hesitation. “Yeah … I know. You’re different.” She looked down. Next to each other, their hands remained linked. Her hand picked up a branch, as if for distraction. “You have a right to be uncertain,” she said eventually. “I really don’t blame you.”
A bristle ran over him. Maybe he wanted to be blamed, because it meant she expected more of him, wanted him as a part of her future. Instead he’d let her down like everyone else, making it easy for her to keep distant. But wasn’t that on her? Why did he have to chase her to be with her?
She sniffed. “That didn’t even … I jumped to conclusions. That you thought … I thought, if you can’t imagine I wanted a baby, did you really love and know me?” She shook her head and glanced at him. “But that’s the thing, I didn’t know myself. I couldn’t allow myself to wonder.”
He entwined their fingers as she took a deep inhale. “I wasn’t fair to you. To make assumptions, blame you, or …” Another pause, her eyes set on him, flinching like she could cry again, or ached to bare herself. “I’m sorry. I can’t be fair, can’t give you a say in it.”
Since when did she apologize so much? He felt like falling, losing ground without the control he had when teleporting. He wished to pull her ever closer, embrace her, never let go until her sadness was gone. He only joined his other hand to hers, covering it with both of his. Maybe she had been wrong to, kept her heart too locked up, but this, these apologies, were like locking him out again because he'd voiced his doubts, although he fucking tried to be there for her.
He sucked in a breath. “How is it not fair? It should be your decision. If it was the other way round … if you didn’t want it, you wouldn’t ask me either.”
“It’s not the other way round.” Her face was turned forward and the expression he glimpsed was shuttered. Had he said something wrong again?
He swallowed. “It means the world to you. I can already tell. Everyone will see, and understand. I could never, Diana, I could never take from you what you love this much.”
The winds scattered the silence between them, mingling with Diana’s sigh.
“It’s on me, too, on both of us,” he went on. “I should’ve asked about protection, and I never did. When … after the first time, you did bring it up, so I thought you took care the first time as well.” He remembered the awkward but numerous times his father, brothers and friends told him pulling back was not reliable, only to quietly add it was better than nothing and he hadn't even managed that.
Diana merely snorted. “Yeah, because I was embarrassed I forgot it the first time.” A snap rang in her voice that softened as she continued. “One time, I wanted to let go. Not think ahead, plan, scheme. But be free to enjoy.” She glanced at him, so full of fondness for that night like she didn't regret one second of it. He remembered how he'd felt the same way about it. Before. “And you’re very good at it,” she added and his cheeks heated and her mouth twitched. “I don’t … enjoy sex with just anyone, you know? You care for me, what I desire and … it showed.” Now she flushed. “And I enjoyed it because I care for you, too.”
She tucked her hair behind her ears. “I didn’t think of an after pill either. But maybe it would’ve been too late until I found one anyway. And now I’m glad I didn’t. Or, I’m not sure. Of course this is a terrible situation for a child, but I still don’t know when I would’ve ever allowed myself. Or when the world wouldn’t be terrible.” She gripped her twig tighter, starting to draw in the soil with it while her palm was her belly. “It’s different when there is a baby,” she said. “I can’t, Shade. I can’t.”
Leaning closer, he unclasped a hand to stroke her back. “It’s, okay, Dee,” he whispered. “It’s okay to want …”
“Will you repeat all you said without meaning it?”
He gaped. “I do mean –”
“To comfort me?” She faced him. “You know what you sounded like. What you sound like now. I thought you were excited, happy and joyful along with me. To think you feel the same as I … it elates me. Every time. Until you didn’t.” She cocked her head and looked like she waited for protest. “I thought you wanted a family, because you love the one you have. But this is not the same, is it? Maybe I don’t really know you.” She swallowed at the admission. “Yet you were right to tell me all those nice things! I needed to hear it. Encouragement. I still do. But.” Her twig scratched on the earth.
“I can be there for you,” he claimed.
“If it’s not what you want? You don’t have to pretend and perform for my sake.”
He grasped her chin. “I don’t pretend to love you!”
“It’s not only about me! How could I let you fuss over me when our baby gets none of your attention?!”
He was taken aback, his pulse drowning every sound with a ring in his ears.
She had spoken a truth he had barely seen.
He tried to catch himself, find words and get overwater. “I do ... think about it. I was shocked by what your father said. That they might be a newblood. A target.”
Diana stared him down before she acknowledged him. “Yes,” she went on, “as if I should pre-emptively get rid of it before the silvers do.”
He gulped. “If you …”
“It’s not a reason against it for me,” she said. “Maybe if I was a prisoner, or hopeless, but I’m not. I hope, I fight, I won’t lose any more family. I’ll keep them safe.”
The colonel jumped to the conclusion that pregnancy prevented Diana from fighting, that a baby would take her away from the cause. But both were connected to her – she fought for their child.
Diana dropped her branch and rubbed her face. “When I think about why not, it’s never about what I want – it’s all about what the cause, the Guard, the colonel … expect from me.” She swallowed instead of adding Shade to that list. “I know what I want – to protect it, give life, to love it. Maybe that’s selfish though I imagine it wants to love, too.”
“It isn’t selfish. Unless you suppose we’d be that horrible parents. But we won’t.” So much depended on that tiny word, we. He had confessed his doubts, accepting they caused her pain, but none of that meant he would not try. He said this without shaking, yet noted that she did, literally, and he hugged her to stop.
“I do have a choice,” he added. “I could play the clueless fool. Never lift a finger to help you, be off on my missions.” She stared at him, doubting. “Or I could leave you. Vanish, or … never talk to you … act like I had nothing to do –”
She moved back, bewildered. “Are you trying to hurt me?” she called out his failure of jesting. “You can’t even say it,” she observed. “How could you mean it?”
“I –”
“You don’t even know yourself,” Dee said, her face softening – in disappointment.
He held on to her. “You’re so sure,” he urged. “I’m not,” he rasped out, “but it’s so new to me, I never … I need to grasp this, Diana. It feels like …”
“Like nothing? A blank?” she concluded quietly and her throat bobbed like the idea was unbearable to her. She pulled loose. “I won’t demand you to do it with me. Not anymore.”
“You’d rather I leave you?” His voice rose.
She grinded her teeth. “You are leaving me. On Mare’s mission.” She turned away from him and although they still sat side by side, he felt suddenly adrift. “We can treat this as a break to think,” she said. “Operative Barrow.”
“Why is it only all or nothing to you, Diana?” He had to fight her switch, making this about the cause and missions again. She regretted not giving him a say but then pushed him away like this?
She must’ve noticed his rage and she sighed with ache. “Because no one can have me without it again, Shade,” she said quietly. “Not the Guard, not the cause, not you. Do you understand?”
He didn’t. “What do you expect of me?”
She didn’t reply, only looked at him like he should know and failed a test by not providing the answer.
She rose. Still she hesitated, her arm within his reach.
Just say it, he wished. But that was her point, wasn’t it? She no longer wanted him to say what she liked to hear, but see proof of his feelings. Maybe she didn’t mind his doubts that much but that he’d presented himself as an excited father to be. That he wasn’t. But she grieved for that person that didn’t exist. Not yet, at least.
“How could I let you fuss over me when our baby gets none of your attention?!” They hadn’t finished that accusation but possibly, it was the most dire. He caught her hand and that was only a replacement of the connection she wanted. That he wanted.
She closed her eyes and exhaled. “Yesterday, I claimed I’d stay with the Guard if you did. I didn’t mean that, obviously.” Because she planned to stay either way, he understood. She met his eyes. “I won’t hold you to that. If you preferred to leave … I won’t ask anything of you.”
He couldn’t accept the direction this was taking. He’d only offered to run away because that might be better for their child, not to give them up. He held her back by the hand. “Do you want me not to go?” he asked and realized he’d fallen into the trap again.
She squeezed his hand before she let go. She had noticed, too. “I’ll help finish the preparations. We have to do what’s needed.”
Shade was left to prepare for mission by himself. Since he’d arrived unconscious, in the infirmary, he had to search and forage for gear, drawing on what he noted during the tasks he'd accompanied Diana on. He welcomed the distraction, and was annoyed by it. I do what Dee asked me to, he told himself, keep myself occupied instead of close by.
He would not wail about it, no. If she wanted time alone, he’d stay away at least a few hours. He saw where wailing got him. He wouldn’t be quick to confide in Kilorn again.
“I won’t ask anything of you.”
Too bad he was following one of her requests anyway. He gathered equipment he wasn’t satisfied with, gripped too much too tightly so his shoulder throbbed and dropped into a free bed to rest once he was done.
He woke too late to think much. He met his family before take-off. Bree and Tramy urged themselves on while Mom and Dad hugged them goodbye alternatingly, with Mare up ahead to take the lead.
She couldn’t wait to go at all, not even after their latest victory. Shade escaped the rest of his family and rushed to her. When he tapped her shoulder, she fell into his arms, to his surprise. It was more touch than in months, with no buzz to notice, and strange since she hadn’t sought him out the last two days.
As if she had waited for him, someone, to come near to her to offer an embrace.
“I’m so glad you live,” Mare rasped. He gulped. Now she finally showed her worry, and relief, for him after his injury. He’d hardly had opportunity to be concerned about his wound or how Mare felt about it.
“I barely know what happened,” he told her with jest.
She drummed on his chest. “You should know,” she ordered, stepping back. “You have an idea how often we have to carry you away injured after you saved us? From now on, I’ll keep count.” He could’ve sworn lightning flashed in her eyes.
“I’ll give you noth – little to count,” he promised and she glowered at him once more. He met the glare with a wince. “I get it, you’re in charge right here, right now. I heard a lot, and Farley was turning all jealous and I had to calm her …”
Mare blinked at that, disbelieving. “But she isn’t coming.”
“No …” How was he going to start explaining – hiding – why that was?
Mare crossed her arms. “If she was jealous, she’d be here to compete for authority.”
Shade sighed with ache. It was a struggle to decide how honest to be, what to veil, what he longed to reveal. “Do you really think she likes to compete with her allies?” he said quietly. “She is …” Our family, he thought, but that was too close to the truth. She told him she didn’t want to tell his family yet, and that became only more relevant after their fight.
He coughed. “She could be your friend,” he said instead.
Mare pondered on that. “You can compete with a friend …” she began before losing track, reading his feelings off his face, realizing with astonishment. She grasped his arm. “She means that much to you.” Somehow, she remained stunned by this, that he was really deeply in love, in heartache, when he as good as joked about them a few days ago.
“Yes,” he whispered, and hugged her again to cover how unsettled and distracted he was. She should not think he came on this mission with a divided mind. “We’ll fight well by ourselves,” he added louder as he let go of her, but Mare maintained her grib on his shirt.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered, and he had no idea what she meant. She shook her head. “This is urgent, Shade,” she said. “We have to do this. Cameron expects it of us, and I understand.” Mare stood with conviction and he realized how connected she felt to Cameron. Then she smirked. “And I itch to stab at Maven’s power yet again.”
He squeezed her arm in return. “I know,” he agreed. “But you get how bothered Mom and Dad are?”
She did get it, Shade saw on her gloomy face. But she was determined to go on anyway. Mare would not let family make her stray from her goals.
If only it were so easy for him.
No, he thought standing where Mare walked ahead, he did not want easy, he wanted Diana, and be her family. And if that become complicated, he was aware that everything was so and Diana was worth it.
Finally, his brothers were coming along, too, suddenly ready. He came with them, as if carried by their motion, yet talking with Mare only revived his memories. Of his injury. Of Diana waking by his bedside. Of her tender, caring grasp of him, before –
His shoulder hurt again, from tension, or was it his heart? He grinded his teeth. Was it a phantom pain in his shoulder or missing Diana, agonizing on their fight?
Tramy clapped on his back. “So why doesn’t Farley –”
“Classified information,” Shade snapped at his brother. Wasn’t that accurate? How long would he have to uphold that threadbare explanation, how long until he and Diana resolved to tell people, so he could worry about jokes at his expense instead?
He could not leave her like that, in these uncertain waters. Shade sped up, ahead of the group gathering by their plane, wishing, hoping to see her once more because he could not imagine she wouldn’t check the take-off herself.
He guessed correctly, because there she was, organizing and urging, greeting and commanding. He didn’t wait for her to finish, uncaring how she frowned as he grabbed her arm, and spirited them aside.
“Unprofessional,” she scolded under her breath, but clearly relieved he hadn’t jumped them away. As if he was that reckless to anger her with a surprise teleport likely to make her sick. Instead he framed her face and neck with his hands.
“I do love you no matter what,” he declared. “I love how capable you are, and I’m certain out child will love you for it, too, and I'm eager to see that. You’ll be a wonderful mother because you already are – and I want to meet this wonderful mother. With or without a child, inside or outside the Guard, I’ll love facet and side of you. Infinitely,” he emphasized. “Because you are infinite.”
Maybe it was a bit too pompous because she said nothing. Stunned to a scarlet flush and undeniably moved. Her lips and lids quivered, fingers wrinkling his shirt. Her mouth moved, as if ready to speak and he hungered to hear it, her answer to his impassionate proclamation. “You ... will you …?” She would not turn him down, would she?
The words fought on her lips and he wouldn’t know peace until she dared to tell him for real. Her only mercy was to pull him near, her brow resting on his.
“Come back,” she whispered and although it was the smallest request to make, it was the spark that would keep him burning.
A/N: I gave Farley this determination about her pregnancy because I’m so supportive of abortion – I cannot imagine having children without such conviction O__O
So firstly, I feel like my post comes off like I hate Mare, and I don’t—she’s actually one of my favorite FMCs. She’s the character that got me into reading in the first place. My criticism isn’t about disliking her; it’s about analyzing her arc, especially in Glass Sword.
Second, I know I skipped a lot of the in-between. That’s because I’m currently doing a reread and I’m only on page 163. So my focus right now is on the early signs of Mare’s hypocrisy—like when she insists she wants to give new bloods a choice, but then immediately denies Cameron that very choice. When you compare that to how she acts later in the book, it becomes even clearer how far she’s slipping.
You’re right that Mare is a flawed FMC who actually faces consequences for her actions, and I love that about her. She’s not glorified, and Aveyard doesn’t shy away from showing her moral decline. But that doesn’t mean I can’t call out specific moments where her actions contradict her own ideals. That’s what makes her such an interesting, complex character—she messes up badly, and then she has to live with it.
Mare’s trauma is one of the defining forces that shape her character, and we see its effects on her constantly throughout the series. She’s not just reacting to what’s happening around her—she’s carrying everything that has already happened to her, and it directly influences her choices, for better or worse.
1. Her Time as a Pawn in the Silver Court – Mare spends months being used as a puppet, forced to lie, to play a role, to watch her every word and movement just to stay alive. She hates how powerless she felt, how easily she was manipulated. That experience fuels her obsession with control—because to her, losing control means being vulnerable again. It’s why she refuses to let herself be a pawn ever again, even if it means making ruthless decisions.
2. Trust Issues & Isolation – Mare struggles with trust from the very beginning, but after the betrayal in Red Queen, it only gets worse. She convinces herself that she has to carry the burden of saving the new bloods alone, pushing away the people who care about her. She thinks detachment will make her stronger, but all it really does is isolate her, making her even more emotionally unstable. We see her grappling with this—she knows she’s alienating herself, but she doesn’t know how to stop.
3. Her View on Power & Responsibility – Mare goes from being a powerless Red to one of the most powerful people in the world overnight. That’s not something she adjusts to easily. She doesn’t want to be like the Silvers, but she also knows that power is the only thing keeping her alive. The more she fights, the more she justifies making harsh, morally gray decisions—because in her mind, if she doesn’t, then she’s as weak as she was before. We constantly see her struggling with where the line is, and how far she’s willing to go before she becomes the very thing she hates.
Mare isn’t just a character who goes through trauma—she’s shaped by it, and we see her struggling under the weight of it every step of the way. That’s what makes her such a compelling protagonist.
Me calling out Mare’s hypocrisy doesn’t take away from the fact that it stems from her trauma. I know exactly why she makes the choices she does—I know she’s acting out of fear, control, and desperation. I know that every mistake she makes is a direct result of everything she’s been through. But understanding why she does something doesn’t mean I can’t still acknowledge what she does.
Her trauma explains her actions, but it doesn’t excuse them—and that’s the whole point of her character arc. She’s flawed, she contradicts herself, and she struggles with the weight of her own decisions. That doesn’t mean she isn’t a great character—it makes her an even better one.
So yes, I criticize her. Yes, I point out when she’s being hypocritical. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love her character or that I don’t recognize why she is the way she is. If anything, it makes me appreciate her arc even more.
Mare isn’t just a soldier or a leader—she’s a symbol, whether she wants to be or not. From the moment she’s exposed as the Lightning Girl, people project their own hopes, fears, and expectations onto her, and it weighs on her constantly.
1. She’s Not Just Mare Barrow Anymore – The moment she reveals her abilities, she stops being just another Red girl from the Stilts. To the Silvers, she’s a threat. To the Scarlet Guard, she’s a weapon. To the new bloods, she’s a savior. But who is she to herself? She barely has time to process what’s happening to her before she’s forced into a role she never chose.
2. People Either Fear Her, Hate Her, or Need Something From Her – Very few people in Mare’s life treat her just as a person. To many, she’s a monster—Silvers hate her for breaking their world order. To others, she’s a beacon of hope—new bloods see her as the one who will lead them to safety. Even within the Scarlet Guard, she’s not fully trusted. Almost everyone around her has an agenda, and she’s caught in the middle.
3. She Feels the Pressure to Be More Than She Is – Mare is 17 years old, but she’s expected to lead, to fight, to win a war. The Scarlet Guard and the new bloods look to her for guidance, even though she has no idea what she’s doing. She’s learning as she goes, making mistakes, and every failure feels like another weight on her back. The pressure to be strong, to be right, is unbearable, and we see it breaking her piece by piece.
4. She Falls Under the Weight of It – Mare knows she’s not invincible, but she forces herself to act like she is because everyone expects it. She isolates herself, believing she has to carry the burden alone. But the more she tries to be the perfect leader, the more she crumbles. She loses sight of herself in the process, becoming colder, more ruthless, and more willing to justify things she never would have before—because if she isn’t the Lightning Girl, if she isn’t strong enough, then what’s left of her?
Mare’s struggle isn’t just about fighting a war—it’s about holding up the expectations of everyone around her while trying not to lose herself in the process. And for a long time, she fails.
I think Mare is so much stronger than I was at 17—I could never go through what she did. The sheer amount of pressure, trauma, and responsibility she carries is insane, and the fact that she keeps going, even when she’s breaking, is honestly admirable.
And just to be clear, I actually agree with a lot of what you’re saying @imjulia-andilikecats. I love Mare as a character, and I don’t want my criticism to come across as me hating her or dismissing her struggles. Pointing out things I don’t like or moments that frustrate me doesn’t mean I think she’s a bad character—if anything, it’s because I care about her arc that I even bother analyzing it. So I don’t want what I’m saying to be taken the wrong way or for it to seem like I’m trying to start anything. I just love discussing her complexity!
I just finished reading @hrizantemy Mare Barrow's Critic Post, and here are my thoughts. I'm a die-hard Mare Barrow fan and will be touching on other topics/events that happened in Glass Sword, so please read with caution.
TW: Branding, Dead Baby
As someone who actually started caring for Mare during her corruption/fall arc in Glass Sword. It's no surprise to me that a lot of people would dislike her but it doesn't mean I'll ever get used to it.
Your criticism is mostly focused on the pivotal moment when Mare captured Cameron, which highlights her hypocrisy and her mental/moral decline at the end of the book.
However, you dismissed A LOT of events that led to Mare becoming this.
To start, Mare didn't become this hypocrite overnight:
Glass Sword began fresh after Maven's betrayal, with Mare still suffering from PTSD and guilt for what she did to Cal (and other characters, such as Lucas and her three handmaids).
For the majority of the book, Mare and her companions are in a bloody race to get to the Newbloods before Maven gets to them first while also being hunted down and killed themselves.
With their first encounter with dead Newlood, they quickly got ambushed, and Maven branded her.
Imagine the physical and mental tools that Mare suffered whenever they found a dead Newblood and a bloody letter. Maven hunting her down and mentally taunting/threatening her with his letters.
I would be, pardon my language, tweaking too, if my enemy leaves a message on a dead baby.
Mare has a lot of unaddressed trauma with problems that keep piling up on her that she doesn't have the resources or skill to fix. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't have access to a therapist; she is far away from her family. She never had a healthy way of coping with her trauma. Cause she is too desperate to save a Newblood and survive the day. She never gets to breathe in this book.
Also, the reason Mare broke protocol was when they encountered Jon The Seer, and he told her that the person they would meet would be their chance to infiltrate Corros Prison, and that unfortunate person was Cameron.
Mare, desperate, had Shade capture her. To save Julian, Sara, Newbloods, and even Silver elites being held captive by Elara.
Everyone did not approve of her decisions and often called her out:
Cal and Farley are very vocal about Mare's plans and choice of action.
With most of her plans being shut down and her behavior getting checked when she oversteps.
They don't see her as a leader even if Mare acts like one.
A good example is when Mare discussed the plan to infiltrate Corros Prison, and only a few of the Newblood recruits wanted to join. Mare even noted that they were either scared of her or they didn't know her.
Only when Kilorn, who spent time with them, spoke up about their need to save the others where they were more persuaded to join.
During the attack in Corros Prison when Mare called for Cal to help her. He ignored her because she killed guards who were begging her for mercy.
Later, when Shade died, Mare was not comforted or pitied. Farley slapped her for being dense and insensitive. Cal pushed her into a different room to tell her off, asking what was wrong with her, why was she reading Maven's letters, and even questioning if she was even capable of love.
Mare faced the consequences of her actions:
After Mare and the colonel broadcasted Elara's head. Barely anyone was talking to Mare.
On their way to their mission, they were quickly captured by an angry, grieving Maven. Mare offered herself to spare the others. Maven wanted justice for his mother, so he accepted.
He put a collar on her, dressed her in rags, and paraded her before a crowd of angry Silvers who wanted nothing more than her dead and commanded her to kneel. This happened on her 18th birthday. She is just a kid.
Mare made mistakes. She was not only called out for it. She suffered the consequences and wholeheartedly apologized to Cameron for what she did. Even offering to fight anyone who tried to question Cameron.
I know my response will be dismissed as a Mare stan. But you got to give credit to Aveyard. She created a flawed FMC with ACTUAL flaws that aren't just relatable but realistic, and she actually faces the consequences of her actions and is not being glorified by the characters or the narrative.
