"If i can't have you, no one will." This phrase is often romanticized in fiction, but in real life, it’s bone-chilling.
150 years ago, Carmen gave us one of the most powerful warnings about love, obsession, and control - and it did not romanticize this phrase. Instead, it exposed the real-life danger of femicide.
In this post, I will analyze Don José's character and what led him to murder Carmen, focusing on four key themes: Obsession, Possession, Emotional Repression, and Patriarchal Thinking.
1. Obsession
Don José was a disciplined, duty-bound soldier with a steady life ahead of him. When he met Carmen, he wasn't initially interested in her. But then, everything changed.
When he allowed Carmen to escape her prison sentence for fighting with another woman, he was arrested and imprisoned himself. Because of this, he lost his freedom, his reputation, and his sense of self.
Prison is a deeply traumatic experience. While waiting for his release, the only thing that brought him peace and meaning to his suffering was fantasizing about Carmen and falling in love with her. But what he loved was not her - it was the idea of her. He turned her into a symbol: the femme fatale, the seductress, the perfect woman.
This does not excuse what he did later, but it explains how his obsession took root. It shows that he was not inherently a horrible person - he was a man whose unresolved emotions, insecurities, and delusions consumed him.
Upon his release, he abandoned his job and his values- all for a belief he could live a free, passionate life with Carmen.
2. Possession
When Don José gave up everything for Carmen, he expected something in return: her love, loyalty and devotion. He was left with nothing but his obsession with Carmen, and when he became clingy and controlling, she lost all attraction to him.
Rather than accept this, he spiraled into resentment, framing his own choices as suffering she had caused him. When she decided to leave him, he doesn’t beg her to stay - he demands it:
"Beware,
Carmen ... I'm tired of suffering ..."
"You tell me to follow her
So that you can run
After your new lover.
No really,
If it cost me my life,
No, I will not leave,
And the chain that binds us
We will bind until the death ..."
"Leave me, because I am doomed..."
He doesn't see his choices as his own. Instead, he sees himself as a victim, blaming Carmen for his pain. To him, his suffering, his downfall, even his loss of self- these were not consequences of his own choices. They were sacrifices. And in his mind, that sacrifice meant he was entitled to Carmen.
And so, he reaches his chilling conclusion:
"No, by the blood, you will not go,
Carmen, it's me you'll follow!"
This is the core of possessiveness: " If I can't have you, no one will."
3. Emotional repression
Could Don José have lived a normal life if he had never met Carmen?
Maybe he would have had a different life, but I would argue that he would have displayed the same behavioral patterns eventually.
His relationship with Carmen did not create his possessiveness, insecurity, lack of self-worth, or emotional instability - it revealed them.
Before meeting her, his structured life as a soldier kept these issues hidden. But when Carmen entered his life, she became the catalyst that forced his unresolved issues to the surface.
Instead of murdering Carmen, he could have accepted his heartbreak, worked through his pain and resentment, and found a new sense of purpose. But because he didn’t know how to process his emotions in a healthy way, he saw losing Carmen as losing his very identity. This led him to lash out in the most violent way possible.
And this brings us to the next point: patriarchal thinking.
4. Patriarchal Thinking
Carmen could not live up to the fantasy Don José had projected onto her. When she no longer conformed to his idealized image, he felt rejected and reacted with anger and violence. He believed she owed to him to her love and devotion.
This reflects the programming of a patriarchal society - one that teaches men they can own and control women.
When Carmen moved on and found love again, Don José interprets it as a personal betrayal - her choice to leave as an insult to his pride. His words make this painfully clear:
"So, the salvation of my soul,
I will have lost it so that you,
For you to go away, infamous!
In his arms, laugh at me."
In the end, Don José didn’t want Carmen back out of love. There was no love left - only obsession masquerading as it.
What Carmen teaches us about femicide
The story of Carmen challenges our understanding of femicide and provides a stark example of the psychology and thought processes behind men who commit it.
Many people assume that men who commit femicide are "monsters" or psychopaths - but in reality, most of them are just regular men.
At a feminist panel I attended last year, one speaker said something that stuck with me:
"When prisoners who committed femicide were interviewed, every single one of them said, 'If only she had done [insert] differently..."
Just like Don José, these men refused to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of showing remorse, they continued to blame the women they had killed.
In my home country, femicide is the most devastating women’s rights issue because institutions fail to protect women. One-third of all femicides here could have been prevented. And the scariest part? Many of these murders happened despite the victims having restraining orders or reporting threats to the authorities.
The Takeaway
Most conversations about femicide focus on increasing punishments for the crime and improving physical protection through law enforcement - measures I fully support. However, this topic is often confined to feminist circles, leaving many men unaware of its prevalence and underlying causes. When such a heinous crime occurs, it’s understandable that the focus is on the victim and the urgency of justice, making it difficult to consider the perpetrator’s mental health or the factors that led to the crime.
My intention with this post is to shed light on the risk factors behind femicide and to spark conversations about its root causes. I believe everyone - especially men - should understand these issues, not to excuse the actions of perpetrators, but to prevent future tragedies.
I hope this post has made you think and that it will inspire meaningful conversations, particularly with the men in your life. Change begins with awareness, and together, we can work toward a future where femicide is not just punished but prevented.
One thing I find super interesting about Tagliavini’s portrayal of Escamillo in Bieito’s Carmen is just how much it feels like he’s prostituting himself to the soldiers as much as the women are.
It’s far subtler that the overt everything else that’s going on, but there’s something in the hard-drinking, wild-eyed bravado and the way that the invading soldiers cheer him and egg him on and paw at him like a circus animal.
It gives a little more depth to the attraction between him and Carmen, two people clinging on to their culture and art even as it’s commodified and sold to the highest bidder, a little reflection of skill and bravery and the cunning it takes to survive in the world.
