Emma’s diary...(Lady Midnight headcanon)
(This is just a work of my imagination.)
We always have someone who settles us, keeps us on the ground, the string which holds us down, preventing us from drifting off. We have that one person in our life who calms us down, makes us forget our nightmares and fears. For me, that person is Jules, Julian, my parabatai.
I never knew a day of my life without Jules in it. He’d always been next to me, or within earshot...or...you do get my point, right? Jules is as essential as my heart. No, scratch that. Jules is as essential as my soul. I won’t breathe if he doesn’t. I won’t live if he dies.I cannot wrap it in my mind that I might lose Jules one way or another.
Jules is as familiar as the back of my hand. He’s as familiar as the way Cortana feels as I hack away demon limbs. Julian is as familiar as the crash of the waves, the feeling of the shifting sand beneath my feet as i ran flat out on the beach. Jules...he’s a part of me. I belong to him and with him. there is no ther way around.
I always dreaded the day Julian would introduce to me the girl he’d fallen in love with. I always feared the day that I would hand him over to that girl, the day that Emma and Julian” would become “Emma, Julian and his girlfriend”. The thought always brings a bitter taste in my mouth. It didn’t help that I start seeing Julian in a different light, in a way where you are not supposed to see your parabatai.
I didn’t know what to do with what I feel. It is wrong in all levels as dictated by the law...by that stupid law. How is it possible not to fall in love with the person you knitted your soul with, with the person who had been your better half since you were kids, with the person who’d held you in his arms when you are screaming with nightmares about your parents’ deaths? My heart can only contain much...
Love is a weakness, they say. I guess it’s true. I had always prided myself of being a good warrior, but when it comes to Julian, I am weak. The though of him getting killed in a war, or even in a random demon patrol, send shivers all over my body, making my palms sweaty. The though of him bloody and dying, our parabatai rune shifting from black to silver, it is terrifying.
But my love for him doesn’t make me weak all the time, it also makes me strong. In a flurry of seraph blades and demon ichor, all I need to see is his verdigris eyes, and a wave of energy would pass through me. That’s Jules, my strength and my weakness. I only hoped it had the chance to prosper.
Love is not supposed to be terrifying, and hopeless. But in our case, it is. You cannot sever a parabatai bond unless one of them dies. Or become a Downworlder...or a mundane, which I will be.
Today, I sit on the packed dirt below the Institute steps, writing this down. This sad, nonsense tale of how much I love a certain Julian Blackthorn. Today I write this final missive I could write as a Shadowhunter. Because today is the last day that I am a Nephilim.
I am getting stripped off my Marks. The Clave had discovered the hidden relationship I had with Jules, and I am getting punished. It’s supposed to be both of us, but I can’t let them. I take the full responsibility. Julian can’t cease to be a Shadowhunter and leave the children. So it’s just me. I feel sorry for my ancestors and my parents, having the bloodline ended this way, because I’d fallen in love with my parabatai. But I’m sure Uncle Jem would have Carstairs children with Tessa. I hope they will.
Don’t worry, Jules won’t remember anything. Or any of the people inside the Los Angeles Institute. I had arranged with Magnus Bane to perform a blocking spell to them, to blot out the memory of me. It hurts that I will be forgotten by the people I considered my family for many years, but it’s better that way. It better that I carry the burden of the memories. Painful as they are, they’re precious to me.
The Silent Brothers are here. I’ll end this with a request. Look after Jules for me, Nephilim. Magnus is here too, and Clary and Jace. God, they are crying. I hate tears.
So, goodbye I guess. I hope I retain my sight despite being a mundane after the process. But I guess I will. Jace’s ancestor still was a Shadowhunter even after he was stripped of the Marks, so...
