Going through puberty, as a neurodivergent female person in the early 2000s, was horrible in ways nobody prepared me for.
* I have dyspraxia/developmental coordination disorder, spatial LDs, and a weak connection between mind and body. Thus, previously, I had never seen myself as a physical object moving through space, while being observed by others doing it. I was what I experienced from the inside. Becoming an object as well as a subject was traumatizing, and I didn't know how to understand or talk about it -- and no one else mentioned it, ever.
* I relied on being liked for being a cute, precocious kid. I had no idea how to navigate the awkward, neither cute child nor beautiful adult, stage. Nor, for that matter, did I know how to create a well fitting adult visible self. And, as the next few points will clarify, that project was fraught.
* People told me I was supposed to feel excited and nervous about puberty, and giggle a lot. Instead, I was horrified and disgusted. I hid those insipid "your changing body" books that were so popular under my bed. I avoided talking to my mom or my friends about it as much as possible.
* It felt like I was losing touch with myself and turning into an alien or monster, and no one understood.
* The idea of becoming a subject of sexual fantasies even to people my own age disgusted me. It made my skin crawl. How was I supposed to go out into the world and be seen while preventing such a thing from happening? I didn't want to be one of the girls wearing baggy jeans and a hoodie, because I was also developing a personal sense of style, but I deeply understood the desire to hide from view this way. Again, apparently that was so weird, no one acknowledged it was a feeling one could have.
* Furthermore: as a person, I wanted to stand out and be noticed, and be liked for who I was. At the same time, I wanted to hide my physical form, which seemed like at best, a distraction. No one was talking or writing about that everpresent conflict
* No one prepared me for body grief, most of all, the grief of having to inhabit a physical body at all.
These feelings started me on masking, hiding who I am to affect how others see me. Self presentation is more than social, especially when everything down to the way you move is atypical. So, I started along the path to masking, despite being aware by preschool that I Am A Person, despite wanting to be Myself, and fearing conformity.
Even today, I don't see people talking about how masking can grow out of body grief and fear of being seen as only your physical form. Which might explain why women seem especially vulnerable to it.
People go on and on about how puberty sucks because of hormones & emotional turmoil. And, yes, everything felt more intense then. But compared to the above experiences, it barely even rates.
Nobody prepared me for my basic reality as a neurodivergent person. Especially here -- and in this area of life, I was too afraid and avoidant to figure it out by myself.
If you went through anything like what I did, I hope you now feel seen.
And I hope you can make peace and find joy in inhabiting your physical body -- however it looks or feels.
8/22/25
