SO. I finally finally saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. It was an improvement on my shitty GPs thats for sure. Still sorta felt like "well how can you make a decision on whats wrong with me when you dont know everything, and you dont know everything because Ihavent told you, I *cant* tell you everything without a bit of raport/opening up time" (eg my ptsd and trauma got completely left out because Ive only told two people and I couldnt look them in the eye or say it in anything but metaphor, and I think my chaotic relationships got left out cause Ive been happily married for 2 years, and polyamory doesnt exist LOL.).
But anyway. I actually did learn something new from him as well as finally getting referred on to proper, therapist guided CBT. He said some of my symptoms, in particular being overwhelmed by emotions, sounded a bit like borderline personality disorder. He said he didnt think I had the disorder but had similar symptoms. Well I dont know why he said that, but I looked into BPD, and it actually sounds exactly like me.
ANDDDDD from what Ive read theres like twice the stigma/medical abuse around BPD compared to other diagnoses, which is kinda scary, since I do not cope well with either. So Im torn about getting a proper diagnosis vs keeping it quiet and just using that knowledge myself.
Self diagnosis is always a bit funny too, cause on the one hand its only been a day, and already I feel like everything is clicking into place, making more sense than it did before. But on the other hand some of the symptoms are fairly general to depression/anxiety stuff, and maybe Im just desperate for something that makes everything make sense.
I was a bit low before this, and this new information has thrown me off kilter even more, but I guess I just need to ride it out. Need to process how this makes me feel about myself (the term personality disorder by itself is a bit of an (inaccurate, stigmatizing) kick in the teeth), and how a new model of my illness lets me rethink/reframe certain things, and potentially come up with better coping strategies and understanding for my partners. But for now Im just gonna be a wobbly mess and thats ok.
I love tumblr. I search bpd, and right there, theres this positive bpd community, and its so great, and so much more accessible and fun than forums and information websites. So, Hi! tumblr bpd community, Im Zoe and its nice to meet you. We've barely met and I already feel safer. <3 xx
