Thinking of shoving my face in his fuzzy chest.
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Thinking of shoving my face in his fuzzy chest.
I hate panic attacks. They make me feel weak and stupid.
Brushed out our hair and felt pretty...low-key thinking of growing my hair out again. Maybe to my shoulder blades at the longest.
Dealing with a lot of memories and getting emotional. I'm processing. I can't talk about the two that are bothering me the most. A memory I can talk about though, from childhood.
Those boys, the ones that bullied me and called me a monster, they did other things. It wasn't just breaking my stuff and making fun of me. There was one day that we were on the upper floors. They were being meaner than usual. I raised my voice back at them for once and they didn't like that. I happened to be at the perfect spot for them to shove me down the spiral staircase. Yes, both of them full force knocked me down. I fell and kept going. I lost track of how many steps I rolled down. My arms and legs were bruised up, had a couple sprains, a broken rib as well as a few fingers, and had a nasty concussion (I think that's when I split my brow). I was lucky to not break my neck. One of those nine lives I guess.
...I never did tell my mother the truth. I lied and said that I got dizzy and it was an accident. But the truth was not only did those boys react, they got joy out of hurting me. It wasn't an accident in any form. Why would they care about something that wasn't fully human, a freak? They were disgusted with my existence. I didn't deserve my title in their eyes. I hated our play dates. I couldn't wait to leave and go back to my books.
After the stair incident the boys started getting bolder. Many of their 'pranks' ended in me getting hurt. I still didn't go to my older brother or mother.
The worst though...we were all out in the garden while the adults talked important matters inside the manor. Those two boys were the ring leaders, they called all the shots and had this hatred against me. The other kids didn't want to be left out or bullied themselves and joined in. Things escalated quick. It went from calling me a monster to let's prove that they're a monster. They said that I probably have a tail that I hide. That's when they started ripping my clothes off. Not removing, no tearing off, scratching me all over in the process. The other three stood there laughing at the situation...laughing at me. "No tail, but he sure is weird." I was naked and crying in front of these people who were supposed to be my peers. It didn't matter that they didn't find anything out of place on me they still found human things to make fun of my paleness, my moles, my thinness. They completely humiliated me. I was able to break away from them and I ran into the manor. I wrapped myself up in a bedsheet and sat under a desk. I don't think I realized at the time that I was hiding. I thought I was simply calming myself down. When it got to be dinner time and I was still missing my brother searched for and found me. He came in and closed the door, sat down on the floor with me and asked what happened. I couldn't tell him. He let me hug him and cry.
I swear I blinked and they were gone...my mother and brother. I miss them...
Cheep Cheep plush I received from Peter Piper Pizza.
Gender things
In my timeline I basically invented HRT. I tested on myself first of course. I synthesized estrogen and progesterone and created a testosterone suppressant. I was on all of them for some time and recorded my results. I then went off all of them and recorded what stayed and what changed. I was pretty happy with my results. I loved my small breasts that no longer made me feel dysphoric about my chest. I decided to try going back on the testosterone suppressant and you guessed it, more recording. I then stayed with it, liking the effects. I didn't tank my T levels, just lowered then slightly.
Now, it seemed counterproductive for me to see what testosterone would do to my body. No, I needed someone better suited. Aster was more than happy to volunteer. He was a feminine trans man. He liked being cute, but he felt a bit dysphoric overall. He was self-conscious of his voice. He thought it gave him away. All of his outfits were charmed to conceal his chest, and he sometimes wore the equivalent to today's trans tape. It finally woke up his sex drive to match his partner. It helped their relationship a lot. Though Aster was more than willing also to experiment with me and let me study him. We got to explore his new body together. It was a short-lived friends with benefits situation but without many feelings. It was more about exploring together. He found new pleasure and I had research that could benefit others. It was fun, I suppose I play well with others, but I much prefer for feelings to be involved.
Looks like the next event has my two favorite men. 💜
Kai, "you should be more careful with your heart."
Also Kai, Jumpscare King™️
