BPD: Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
I had heard this symptom for a long time, and I genuinely had no idea what it meant, because how could anyone feel empty? Empty is not a feeling, and I experience feelings, like all the time. So..... what does this mean? So let me show you.
In the past year, I've learned that I had BPD, and it felt very validating, to which everything I looked into, and what everybody with BPD had posted. And it made sense, because I finally felt where I belong and why I felt like I didn't belong in the first place. So let me show you what "chronic feelings of emptiness" entails, it is more than what the phrase tells you.
Feeling of not belonging. These feelings are also known as identity diffusion/disturbance, and it's a big part of disorders like BPD, it exists in others like autism. And this is specifically the feeling of being not-human, being alien, being unnatural, like you don't belong here. This diffused view of yourself that you're inherently different and unnatural from other people is a pervasive part of this "emptiness".
Constant frustration/feeling of being perpetually unsatisfied. It really feels like nothing you can do or nothing that can be done. If it's not how you want, it will never be how you want. No relationship will ever fulfill you enough, no matter how you try to work on things, no matter if you are better socially, no matter what, it will never be enough. This feeling of frustration and anger is attached to feeling emptiness. Because it's a void inside of you. And you're so upset that nothing seems to go right, because it feels like nothing is right. It feels like you don't have the ability to be right and nobody around you can ever help you. This is the perpetual cycle. And it will cause you to lash out, and create a self-fulfilling prophecy of needing to be fulfilled in your life, and other people frustrate you because they can't, and you're back to being empty.
Chronic loneliness. Along with being chronically emptiness, you feel constantly alone, and it makes you do anything you can to fill that void. You sacrifice yourself for others, so that others can fill that void, and losing your identity and boundaries in the process. There are other maladaptive coping mechanisms you use to stop being lonely, such as escapism or risky/impulsive actions, some sort of thrill-seeking or quick comforts to make it feel like there's something going on in your life. You may impulsively spend money, or overeat to bring in those happy chemicals. Or you may do risky/scary things to bring you adrenaline, at the clear risk of your own life, or cost of being hurt. Codependent behaviors are a part of this. It's like trying to erase the fact that you'll always feel disconnected and lonely, but it never goes away, even if you're surrounded by friends and people.
Feeling disinterested in the world around you. I personally don't always feel this, but it can be a part of not wanting to interact because you feel there is no point to it. Some people may overindulge their time, and some people may completely cut themselves off and withdraw. For some, it makes the behaviors much more impulsive just to get a rush of dopamine, but for others, people sink down deeper into this, and tend to try to stop feeling all together. It's either to avoid the intensity of other emotions they have, that its too exhausting, or that they're better off functioning better when they don't engage with anything. You may find yourself or others with BPD to be avoidant, distant or possibly even ghosting you. Mainly because it's so draining to feel empty all the time. Why bother trying to do anything about it? It can feel hopeless.
And there's a lot more to this. I don't know all of the different parts of it, but I hope it brings some clarity of how this feels, and what "emptiness" is referring to. It's lonely, exhausting, and frustrating. It makes you feel like you aren't a part of the real world, like you were never meant to.
I wanted to write this post, because I know many of us (including myself) take these words literally, and sometimes it makes no sense when they say it. So whether or not you have BPD, and whether or not you know what this symptom is, I hope I can inform all of you nonetheless. It helped me to write this all out myself.
