#clare4

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After the team gets captured by Hela’s Hel Valkyrie demons, it’s the most reluctant member of the group that busts everybody out of Asgardian jail. God damn, Boom Boom futzing around with those time bombs reminds me of just trying to make it through my day in one god damn piece.

(New Mutants #80 – Oct. 1989)

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How did these comic book writers and artists even know about bondage outfits like the one Brian is wearing before the Internet existed? I mean… me personally… I have no idea what that thing is he’s wearing because I don’t even have the Internet and don’t have any means to become kink educated because I’m too busy fostering stray cats and delivering meals to the elderly. Anyway, halfway through this comic book Illyana Rasputin’s soul sword manifested itself for Kitty Pryde. The only other time we’ve seen this happen was back during Secret Wars II when the Beyonder temporarily killed off the New Mutants, so this must be a dire development for Kitty who can only assume something terrible has happened to her best friend. (Excalibur #7 – Apr 1989 – Inferno Crossovers)

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Thundercats! Hooooooo! We made it to the final issue of the Inferno storyline (although that doesn’t mean I’m done with this reading yet, because there are still a few epilogue issues I need to read). It’s quite a climactic moment considering that Mr. Sinister has been antagonizing our heroes for over 30 issues and this is only their first meeting. I'm sure they won't defeat him in like a single panel after he toys with the one X-Man that can defeat him easily for the whole comic when he could just kill Cyclops and be done with it. It's like he says to himself, "Hey! I'm suuuuper vulnerable to that guy's optic blasts, and I'm also a psychotic murderer, but instead of murdering that guy, I'm going to manipulate and antagonize him for his entire life, starting when he's an 8 year old kid! That won't make him mad and want to kill me!" (X-Factor #39 – Apr 1989)

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Ok Wolverine popped his claws and we’re heading into the final 3 issues of Inferno and it’s finally time to resolve all this shit. The X-Men and X-Factor are united against a common enemy, Madelyne Pryor has revealed herself to be the Goblin Queen, and all that’s left is for the X-Men to finally have their first confrontation with Mr. Sinister after he’s been tormenting the shit out of them for over 30 god damned issues. Pissed off demon X-Men? Check. Bondage imagery? Check. Cyclops balling like a 3 year old that lost his mommy in a grocery store? Check. Let’s do this. (Uncanny X-Men #242 – Mar 1989)

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“Hey don’t put your mouth on that!!! THAT’S MY PROPERTY!!!” Zap. Well here’s how the X-Men and X-Factor defeat Mr. Sinister in the blink of an eye at the end of Inferno. After many months of reading nearly 50 comics for the Inferno crossover, the conflict is finally over, and the X-Men and X-Factor part on good terms, each determined to pursue the spirit of Xavier’s dream in their own way.

This end of this crossover kind of falls on the ground like a wet, half eaten burrito getting dropped on the floor of the back alley of a Las Vegas strip club. But, if nothing else, this was a really good reunion for the characters of X-Factor and the Uncanny X-Men, and a good reset for where the two teams stand with each other. Until we meet again, good mutants. (X-Factor #39 – Apr 1989)

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I don’t know if this is a fact, but I’m going to state it as if it is a fact. This is the only moment in the history of comic books where Wolverine ever refers to another character as a… “dude.” There’s a reason he calls people BUB, comic book. It’s because he’s a hairy, psychotic Canadian and this actually gives him CHARACTER. Right here he sounds like a god damned California surfer dude. Jesus. Dude? C’mon. And what’s he doing here? Poking Storm with one of his god damn razor sharp unbreakable adamantium claws to get her attention? A tap on the shoulder wouldn’t work? You have to break her skin in the middle of that disgusting rubble pile and probably give her a nasty staph infection? Some of these writers just don’t know how create realistic situations. (X-Factor #39 – Apr 1989)

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During the final battle between the Goblin Queen and the X-Men, Madelyne attempts to kill everyone with a final, all-consuming blast, but she manages to catch only herself in the explosion as all the X-Men are able to shield themselves. She is kill by this suicidal act, but not before she and Jean have a come to Phoenix moment, where Jean is able to reclaim the portion of power the Phoenix stole from her back when they first met, kind of like that friend who borrows your copy of Days of Future Past and then returns it to you three years later all beat up and covered with chocolate and booger smears. Madelyne’s death finally reverts New York City to normal, so even though it was N'astirh who originally opened the portal between Limbo and Earth, it must have been Madelyne who was facilitating the invasion after N'astirh was killed by the X-Men. And I suppose Jean becoming whole again means she will have the full use of her powers, including her telepathy which has been missing from her repertoire ever since she was resurrected. This is a pretty satisfying conclusion to the Inferno storyline, other than the fact that Madelyne has been tragically victimized during her entire run as an X-Men character, and the only respite she receives is the finality and peace of death. (X-Factor #38 – Mar 1989)

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S’ym possesses Wolverine’s Scooby Doo skeleton body, kills Madelyne, which frees up Rachel to completely subsume the power of the Phoenix and… I think she completely incinerates the entire surface of the Earth so it can regrow in a healthy form again. Basically, this What If storyline is resolved by Rachel eradicating the Limbo demon invasion like she’s treating a genital wart outbreak. Does that seem a little extreme? I mean look here. The next time we see the Earth it’s all green and verdant, and everybody is popping out Johnny Storm’s babies as if demons haven't been pillaging the countryside for the last 5 months.

Sheesh I don’t know. And then there’s some crap here with the Living Tribunal at the end of this comic, where it has a come to Jesus moment with the Phoenix and we have some kind of Celestial circle jerk.

Why didn’t you cosmic boneheads make plans to have your play date a little earlier in the afternoon so Earth could have been spared some of that apocalypse! Thor died! And Shaman!! Assholes.

Whew. Ok. I’m actually done now with Inferno. I’m going to post a big review in a couple of days, and then it will be on to a new reading. See you soon! (What If… Volume 2 #6 – Nov 1989)