As I said in my post on classic narcissists, messy characters make for great stories. So, hereās the next in my character profile seriesāwriting vulnerable narcissists. Vulnerable narcissists are hard to spot and fun to write.
A lesser-known type of narcissism is vulnerable narcissism (also referred to as closet, introverted, or covert narcissism). Vulnerable narcissists are self-absorbed,ā¦
Normalizing truth means you make saying what is true and stating your opinion a routine part of your relationships. One of the saddest things in the relational world is to see someone who nods his head approvingly and looks interested in what is not interesting and agrees with what is not agreeable. Ironically, this makes overly compliant people--who very much want to be known and trusted--difficult people to know and trust. How do you trust someone who canāt seem to come up with his own opinion? How do you know what his motive is for being agreeable? Is he protecting himself? Trying to get on your good side? Saying what sounds good because heās not sure what he thinks?
This is why people who have a hard time clarifying their own boundaries also often feel very alone. Their overcompliance keeps people from sensing who they really are, which means there is little actual and deep contact. When a person has that habit, it is generally a sign that she is afraid of her own definition and identity or that if the person she really is emerges, she will be met with criticism or judgment.
You must begin to trust that there is a realĀ āyouā who has some edges and is lovable... Instead of waiting to see if the coast is clear, get in the habit of saying what you observe, think, like, or donāt like. People may agree or not agree... but as you normalize truth tellingin your relationships, you will find it easier to trust that your defining boundaries are good and that they will help you connect to others in healthy ways.
--Beyond Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend (Italics mine)
I got a major check-in with myself about co-dependency and overcompliance yesterday.
Iām at Moody Bible Institute, accompanying my Mom as she discusses and presents A Tour of Roses. Our small, independent ministry is an oddball among the much larger and concretely defined mission projects displayed on huge roll-up signs and banners. We have a three part posterboard. We overdressed for the occasion. And not everybody is manning the tables at all times like we thought we were supposed to, which is why Iām here at all. I watch the table at almost all times. Talk about A Tour of Roses. Share funny stories.
Yesterday was a rarity. I donāt often have reason to set foot in college cafeterias anymore, and Iād forgotten all the rules. I was in an unfamiliar city where I knew almost nobody besides Mom, and among people who seem a great deal more successful in their dreams and aspirations than me. A bit insecure, I shuffled around, built a sandwich at the deli, grabbed a slice of garlic bread, and headed for the pizza counter to round dinner off.
The special was chicken pizza and there were two slices left. One clearly had larger chunks of chicken. I was reaching to cut off a slice when someone stood behind me. The other three pizza choices were wide open to grab, so this person clearly wanted chicken pizza. I hesitated for two seconds before reluctantly cutting myself the slice with almost no chicken on it.
I walked away, and I realized what Iād done. It was a tiny thing, but let me tell you, most of my life is doing this. Taking the slice with less chicken because somebody else MIGHT POSSIBLY want the other one. And it is clearly my job on this earth to make everybody else as comfortable as humanely possible.
This is not about being a decent human being or even about being considerate, much as I dress it up to myself that way. This is about caretaking every last person around me, even people I donāt know and will never see again, to the nth degree, like the co-dependent I am. This is about taking even my tiny little preferences and jamming them to the back burner when it isnāt even necessary. Even earlier on this trip, the people who hosted Mom and I would ask,Ā āWhat would you like to eat?ā and we both would instantly volley back with,Ā āWhat would YOU like?ā leading to the nice-people standoff until someone, ANYone, expressed the tiniest preference that we all leaped on to escape the stalemate. Some of you know exactly what Iām talking about.
Sometimes I legitimately do not care where I go to eat because itās more about the people Iām with and justĀ āgoing out.ā And itās easier to express preferences around some people, like my husband and my family, but heaven forbid I inconvenience anybody outside that circle for even my mild preferences. Nevermind that Iām probably sticking them in the severely awkward spot of making it about THEM instead of about their guests by insisting it be THEIR choice so I donāt somehow inconvenience them... yeah. Written out it makes no sense, but in the moment it is the unbreakable standard to adhere to. Do not be a burden, do not be an inconvenience, make sure your hosts/friends/strangers around you are as comfortable as possible and you are absolutely a zero level threat at any cost.
This is still with me. And it needs to stop. It isnāt just about eateries and minor choices. If I canāt even say what I want about small things, how am I supposed to do it about bigger things? If and when I do, I end up apologizing for it as if Iāve committed some great sin. By what? By being human and having an opinion? A desire? God forbid, a preference?
I donāt have a real conclusion for this. Just realizing and ruminating about what still needs work in my life.
What is a co-dependant friendship and why is it 'bad'? -KM
Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another personās addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.
What that means is that one individual is enabling anotherās self-destructive behavior. Ā You can see (an extreme) example of this in shows likeĀ āMy 500 Pound Lifeā in which someone continues to provide a morbidly obese significant other or family member with unhealthy amounts and / or types of food and drink even though it is literally killing them. Ā You can see further examples on shows like āInterventionā or āDr. Philā in which family members or spouses support their drug-addicted loved ones when it would likely be more healthy for them to āhit rock bottom.ā Ā Ā
The reason co-dependence is bad is that it is toxic in one or more manners. Ā These relationships hamper things like recovery, growth, and the ability to function on their own as an adult. Ā There are certainly different severities of co-dependence, some of which are more harmful than others. Ā A truly healthy relationship is one in which both people are capable of independence.
Does that make some sense? Ā Is there a particular way that co-dependence is being used that youād like further insight to?
Do you find yourself waiting secretly for your knight in shiningĀ armourĀ to whisk you off your feet so you can live happily ever after?
Or for a wonderful woman to lift off your depression and sense of aimlessness?
Although we laugh at such ridiculous fantasies as the stuff of naĆÆve, lovesick teenagers, we all must face the deep temptation within ourselves to ask our partner to fulfil all of ourā¦
