Nov 8, 2019
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-Outside the parking lot-
“That little girl is kind of a bitch.”
Y-yeah, I know.
-Scoffs- “And what’s with that Kaden kid? It’s not like I was being unreasonable, I reminded you to drink your fucking coffee so we could leave. Which we need to.”
Which we need to. Yeah. ...You what?
“Nevermind. Car’s unlocked.”
-Stumbles into hood of adjacent car- -Hold self steady against car with one hand, rubs eye with other-
“Jesus.” -Grabs Gus’s collar- “And this is why you need my help. You good?”
Good. But dizzy. -Sees Shayne- Hey, uh... B...Bye.
I know it's your summer break, but as official coffee club beat reporter, what's your take on the day?
Let me give you a little trick of the trade ;)
The potential for gossip is formulaic. I’ve mentioned the CC’s rating system before. 1 = loser, 10 = queen fuckin bee. So, you may expect that the higher your score, the more interested the school will be in that happens to you (your potential to become gossip fodder). Not true.
Imagine the scores as points on an x-axis. The y-axis represents gossip potential. Now, imagine a parabola. The kids with the highest and lowest scores have the most potential, while the people with medial scores...do not have much. That’s because the people at the highest and lowest points are polarizing. You probably love to hate (or, potentially, hate to love [guilty pleasure, much?]) them. Obviously we all want to be in the know about the high scorers. As for the lower scorers, would you rather hear gossip about a fucking nobody, or the class freak? I’ll wait.
Of course, there are a lot more factors, such as if the gossip is about something good or bad happening, because those have different effects across the popularity scoring scale. Usually, bad news is more likely to be exciting.
So now that you’ve learned Gossip 101, unit 1, let’s break down today’s news. Mack is a one. Meaning, people don’t think highly of him, but he certainly has a reputation (because boi is always walking into things like a god damned bird, among many other reasons). So, there was a lot of potential for gossip when he went to that party, because that was directly contradictory to his score. But this? Getting beat up is absolutely par for the course with him, and it happened pretty early on in the summer, at a different school. It’s mostly interesting because of the police involvement, and because Hunter is a grade below us. Overall, I would say that as of this moment, this is not likely to cause a stir at [REDACTED].
The gossip potential can increase as more details come to light. We’ll have to see how the rest of this saga unfolds and resolves. I’ll reassess my calculations at a later point.
Thank you for asking, and you’re welcome for this insider look at the CC. Consider this an exclusive.
Got any hot goss on Hunter Rockwell?
I do now, honey!
Here’s the deets at Hunter Nathaniel Rockwell IV. He lives down the street from me ($$$) and is in the grade below me. He’s an absolute punk and the news of the day does not surprise me. Our parents would sometimes arrange play dates between my sister and I and him and his siblings, and I’ve never liked him. He would always ruin my dollhouse. He’d make the parent dolls have sex and put the baby in the oven. He is the kind of boy who would throw rocks through your window for fun (I say from experience). Once he slammed another boy’s head into the window on the bus (who takes the bus???)
He also is obsessed with poker because he wants to sit at the grown up table and pretend he’s not a little brat.
And that is the word on Hunter Rockwell.
The Nitro Bar
Co-located with a local bike shop on Broadway Street in Providence’s Federal Hill neighborhood, the Nitro Bar is slinging nitro iced coffee that has won them best iced coffee in R.I. two years running. This is a can’t-miss spot for caffeine.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thenitrobar_/