5 Do’s and Don’ts of Splitting
(For the person splitting):
1. Do: check in with yourself
Don’t: ignore the other person on impulse
(checking in) ask yourself what you feel and why. “Ok, I know I’m angry and not thinking clearly. Why did that comment upset me so much? Has this situation upset me before?”
(impulse) leave the vicinity in spite, hoping they feel just as bad. delete them from social media hoping they feel just as bad.
Don’t: use self-expression as a means to blame
(Self-expression) “I feel frustrated.”
(Blame) “You make me feel abandoned when you forget.”
Pro Tip: take responsibility of your emotions; try your best to change the use of the phrase “you make me feel..” in any scenario.
Don’t: Talk about urges with the intention of guilting
(acknowledgment) “I don’t know how else to feel better other than to relapse.”
(guilting) “Now I want to relapse because you forgot about me.”
4. Do: apologize when you are wrong
Don’t: apologize profusely, or use self-deprecating language.
Pro Tip: putting yourself down is not an apology and makes this about you.
(warranted) “I’m sorry I lashed out. Next time, I will say it differently.”
(unwarranted) “I’m sorry I’m so stupid. You probably want nothing to do with me.”
(Boundary) “I won’t continue this conversation because I’m upset and need to leave for now.”
(Ultimatum) “If you can’t respond the way I’d like, then there’s no point in talking anymore”
Support someone splitting: read the second part of this post here.
To learn the 5 misconceptions about splitting, click here.
To learn how to set boundaries, click here.
More advice from me here.
5 Ways to Repair a Relationship After Splitting
5 Misconceptions About Dialectical Behavioral Therapy