If you hurt someone’s feelings, it’s super valid to be upset about that and have feelings about it.
It’s not so valid to make it so they have to comfort you because of your guilt, which may make them reluctant to come to you in the future with problems.
It’s okay to say “I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings. I feel really bad about that because I’d never intentionally want to hurt you”.
It’s not okay to say “oh my god, I’m a terrible person. You shouldn’t even be friends with me.“
Even if you’re genuinely feeling the second one, it can lead to the other person feeling bad they expressed their feelings, feel a need to comfort you and may lead to their feelings having to take a backseat.
It’s so valid to feel that way, but it’s important to try and regulate how we react to our feelings. If you need to talk it out, I think that’s okay but how you do it matters and please let the other person feel heard.
I've observed that people always say that communication is key. While that is true, what people are always missing is the foundation of that communication. What is your intention? Is your foundation curiosity, active listening, and comprehension? If not, there's no reason to communicate in the first place. Before anyone communicates, a foundation must be laid. Because at the end of the day, what's the solution? Where is the clarity? Why are we communicating in the first place, just to go nowhere? The act of communication is an afterthought—it comes after you lay the foundation.
PLEASE DO YOU HAVE ADVICE ON LONG DISTANCING WITH UR GF IM STRUGGLING ITS SO PAINFUL LIKE WTF DO WE DO MAN
hey emily! ✧
oh my heart literally aches for you right now. long distance is one of those things that nobody really prepares you for? like one day you're cuddled up watching that show you both pretend to like because the other person loves it, and the next you're staring at your phone waiting for a text like it's oxygen.
i went through this with my ex for almost a year (before we realized we were better as friends tbh) and it was honestly the most bittersweet mixture of yearning and growth i've ever experienced. some nights i'd be scrolling through our photos at 3am wondering if love was supposed to hurt this much? spoiler: it isn't, but distance creates its own kind of ache that's separate from the relationship itself.
here's what actually helped us survive (and what i wish someone had told me from the beginning):
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ create rituals, not just calls ･:࿔ೃ.⋆
everyone says "communicate!" but nobody tells you how empty that advice feels when you're staring at each other on facetime with nothing new to say. instead, create shared experiences:
watch movies together using teleparty
order the exact same takeout and have dinner "together"
send each other the same book and discuss chapters
play online games that don't require much skill (i'm terrible but it's about the laughs)
the goal isn't just talking, it's feeling like you're still building memories together.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ touch the physical world together ･:࿔ೃ.⋆
this sounds so silly but it helped? we would both go outside at the same time and text about what we were seeing, or send pictures of the moon knowing we were looking at the same one. sometimes we'd both make the same recipe and compare results (mine were always disasters but it made us laugh).
send physical mail too. like actual letters and tiny packages with silly things that made you think of her. there's something about holding something they touched that hits different when you can't hold them.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ normalize the hard parts ･:࿔ೃ.⋆
the worst thing about long distance is feeling like you're failing if it's hard. you're not. it IS hard. some days will feel impossible and some days you'll be fine and both are normal. we started something we called "honest hour" where we could say things like "i'm really struggling today" or "i felt jealous when i saw that post" without it becoming a whole thing.
it's also okay to be sad together sometimes? not every call needs to be cheerful. sometimes we'd just exist in the sadness of missing each other and that felt more intimate than pretending everything was fine.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ plan for the next time ･:࿔ೃ.⋆
always have the next visit on the calendar, even if it's months away. the human heart needs something concrete to look forward to. we made a shared pinterest board of things we wanted to do together next time, and it became this little garden of hope we could tend to when things felt especially distant.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ take care of your whole self ･:࿔ೃ.⋆
the hardest truth? your relationship can't be your entire emotional world when you're apart. nurture your friendships, throw yourself into hobbies, create a life that feels full even in their absence. it's not betrayal, it actually gives you more to bring back to each other.
i know this feels impossible right now, but there's a special kind of strength that long distance couples build. you learn to love someone for their essence rather than just their presence, and that's actually really beautiful?
sending you the softest hugs and all my hope that the distance between you feels a little smaller soon. remember that love isn't measured in miles, it's measured in how your heart expands to hold someone even when they're not right beside you.
In the wake of the election, with the holidays around the corner, some of you may be wondering how to deal with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. who voted for Trump and/or who espouse his policies.
This guide is by no means meant to be authoritative and won't work in every circumstance. I accept no responsibility for what happens if you use any scripts and it goes horribly awry. But I did want to share some of my personal experience in this vein, as someone with a great deal of conservative people in my life whom I generally love and respect and would like to maintain a civil relationship with (and, hopefully, bring them back to center if not my side). I've had decent luck with these strategies in the past.
First: Only engage if it is safe to do so.
Do not get into political discussions that might endanger your job, your living situation, your access to care, or your physical and emotional safety. However, do engage if you are able to do so safely and your doing so might help someone in a more vulnerable position. What the fuck is privilege for if not using it to protect people?
Second: Identify your goal.
Do you want to de-escalate a situation so someone can get out of immediate danger? Do you want to establish a boundary? Or do you want to actually attempt to convert someone over to your side? Each goal has different tactics. Be realistic with yourself about what you're going to accomplish. If you do not have a close relationship with the person, you are extremely unlikely to change their mind about anything, and it's frankly not worth the effort. Let someone who is close to them do that work. De-escalate, set a boundary if possible, and gtfo.
But if you do have a close relationship -- if this person generally likes and respects you -- then you might have a shot at challenging their views.
We're going to assume a scenario where you're dealing with people you know and who you can generally count on not to be immediately aggressive. Somebody else will be better-equipped to talk about strategies for dealing with protests and people on the street etc.
De-Escalation & Setting Boundaries
This is your first line of defense against family members acting shitty. If someone tries to start a debate, makes an off-color joke or comment, or is otherwise behaving inappropriately, try:
Let's not talk about this over dinner.
I don't think this is appropriate conversation right now.
That's an awful thing to say.
I don't understand that joke, can you explain why it's funny?
I'm sorry, I won't listen to any more of this (leave the room)
That's not okay.
What you want to do here is make an appeal to correct standards of behavior. You want them to feel ashamed for acting out of line. In order to make this work, it is essential that you:
Remain calm and keep an even, light-but-firm tone of voice. It needs to be clear that you're not joking around, but you also cannot sound upset. (Yes, this is really hard. I'm sorry.) Practice your very best "I'm not angry, just disappointed" tone for maximum effect. If you can manage it, eye contact and a neutral or even slightly concerned or sad expression will make it even better.
Avoid insulting or attacking them. Do not say things like, "Stop being an asshole" or "I can't believe you're acting like this" no matter how much you want to. Do not say "That's racist/sexist/ableist/homophobic." These types of replies, no matter how accurate, will make them defensive, and defensive people shut down and stop listening. If you come off as angry, that gives THEM permission to be angry right back. But if you come off as the normal one, them getting angry makes them look like a dick.
Do not laugh. Avoid the urge to chuckle nervously or joke it off. It WILL feel uncomfortable. It WILL be awkward as fuck. That's the point. They are misbehaving by violating a standard of appropriate behavior, and you are setting down a boundary. The awkwardness will fade and, frankly, they'll often start behaving better pretty much immediately.
Follow through on your consequences. If you say, "Dad, if you continue to bring up Trump, I will not call you anymore," you have to stick to it. Holding firm to your boundaries is HARD AS FUCK but if you don't do it then all you do is teach them that they can wear you down. Think of it like training a dog. Consistency is key.
You're not going to change anybody's closely-held beliefs with this strategy, but you WILL make a case for what is allowable around you. If you model this behavior, and encourage and embolden other people you know to do the same, you might be surprised. A lot of times, people's inappropriate behavior is a boundary-testing mechanism -- they tell the racist joke because they want to see if they can get away with it -- and if you shut them down, they often just...stop. Or at least retreat into their little hole to talk to fellow gremlins instead of you.
Challenging Views, Changing Minds
Okay. You actually want to engage them in conversation. You want to challenge their views and help them change their opinion. How do you do that?
Again, it's essential that you remain calm. If you can't have this discussion without getting heated, it's not the time to have the discussion. If they start to get heated, be prepared to de-escalate and walk away: "I cannot continue this conversation with you right now. Let's talk again some other time when we've cooled off."
But if you can keep calm, here is what actually works (sometimes):
Listen to them. No, really. Hear them out.
Help them feel heard by empathizing with them. Repeat back your understanding of what they said and how that must feel.
Remind them that for other people, THEY are feeling xyz emotion, too.
Ask them questions. Instead of telling them they're wrong, ask questions that will lead them to draw that conclusion themselves.
Make appeals to emotion rather than starting with facts and logic. You'll know what kind of emotion to draw on because you've been listening to them and empathizing. Hint: almost always, bigotry (at the personal level) is rooted in fear.
If this is going well, THEN you can start citing some sources, statistics, and facts.
Invite them to share THEIR sources with you.
Thank them for doing such a good job at being calm and discussing this with you, reaffirm your close relationship, and encourage them to come talk to you about this at any time. It's very possible that you are the only person they might feel safe bringing this stuff up to now and you want to keep that channel of communication open.
Very often (not always, or often), conservative-leaning individuals are people who lack the education or knowledge that left-leaning people do. They may be accustomed to being insulted, yelled at, and made to feel stupid. They are conditioned to believe that folks on the left are smug, holier-than-thou, stuck-up assholes. Whatever you can do to poke a hole in that perception will simultaneously make it easier to talk to them AND cause them to question that rhetoric the next time they encounter it.
This tactic won't always work. It probably won't work at all the first conversation. It's something you'll have to chip away at over time. But sometimes, it's worth it.
Customer Service Tips For The Neurodivergent (And Everyone Else)
So I was thinking about some of the things that made patrons start asking for me, or why people started asking for advice, not just in the last seven years as a librarian but also before that in media services, and what I observed of my colleagues when interactions would go wrong, and why they went wrong, and I realized it boils down to two things really and if it will help anyone, I am going to put them under the cut here:
Now the first one don't panic on because I'm going to explain it, but it comes down to tone and body language.
A large majority of people I have noticed have at some point mistaken a condescending tone of voice for a soothing one, and have unfortunately taken it up as a habit. People don't like this. The second they think they are being condescended is the second the situation escalates. Some people do it mistakenly from working with children a lot, don't do this with children either, they hate it.
The first thing you are going to do is listen to yourself until it becomes habit in your work persona. If the situation is going well, you are going to as they say "keep it real." You are allowed to have a bad day, your patrons are going to think it's weird and inhuman of you if you don't, they understand this. What you are not going to do is project that, you don't always have to smile these days for most places, take a drink, count to ten, relax your shoulders, keep your manner casual, be yourself as much as you think you can. They appreciate authenticity. Most will meet you in the middle if the effort is made.
Now, say the situation is going badly... The first thing you need to realize is that it isn't about you. This patron has a million and one things on their plate, they are worried about this, that, and the other thing and they don't know you but whatever they have going with your place of business just happens to be the last straw. Here's what you are going to do. You are going to let that anger slip right by you, it isn't personal, it probably isn't even about the situation. You are going to drop your voice. Do NOT make it quieter, but make it softer, do not condescend them, do not, not even with children. People do not want to be condescended, they want to be heard. You are going to be direct, and calm. You are going to ask what is wrong, what can we do to help, use "we" if you can remember to, and you are going to listen in full. Ask any clarification questions you need to. IF the situation is something you cannot address by yourself you are going to do one of two things. "Hold on a moment, let me get someone who can help you with that who deals with these sorts of situations," professional, assures them someone who has dealt with this is coming to help them, OR, "Let me get you the card/e-mail/phone number of my supervisor, please reach out to them so they can help you with this." Again, same thing. If it is something that violates policy, you can state or show them the policy, 9 our of 10 times they won't want to read it and will take your word for it, sometimes they will ask for someone to contact, they may even leave mad, but the situation is diffused and now in their hands.
IF, it is something you can help them with, here is what you are going to do, you are going to state their options clearly, we can address this in A, B, C, manner, which works best for you?" This does a couple of things, it gives them all of the options if there is any, gives them a clear direction which pulls them out of their panic, and it places them in a spot of empowerment. You gave them what they needed, and you did it nicely.
This also works in teaching moments.
Say, for example, a patron comes in with things they need to do, they don't know how to use a computer, they are panicked, upset, and most of the time they are going to tell you they are illiterate/stupid/etc. Do not reinforce that. You are instead going to say something like "Oh, let me show you how to do that" (again, if you can't, find someone who can). If they are in a hurry they may have you do it, flustered and aggravated, let their anger go, fix the issue, most of the time they will come back and thank you and ask for you to show them how at a later date. They will remember. It's okay.
If they are not in a hurry, then the best thing is for them to do it with you walking them through. If they are too upset they may have you show them the first time, this is okay too. Go slow, answer questions. What they have really told you above is "I need to do this thing, I don't know how to do it, I'm scared." For most people this is what it boils down to. Walk them through it the first time, do not say "I'm proud of you," that's cheesy, say something like "There you go! You got it!" Linger or have them do it a second time, reaffirming their actions or correcting if they stumble. Then you are going to ask them if they got it from here, if they have any questions. If they say they think they got it, then you go one step further... Tell them that you or your coworker, or whoever will be on hand will be at the desk/wherever should they have any further questions or need anything. Again, this diffuses their panic, empowers them, and then turns around and assures them that if they run into trouble they've got the help they need.
If you are not making yourself understood, stop and either take the metaphors out or throw them in, use other words, others terms, and it that doesn't work, say something like "Hey, maybe my coworker here can explain it better than I can." This happens, people understand this, people understand things differently, learn different, most people will get it.
If they are leaving, assure them they can return or give the business a call if they need something in the future.
Here is where it will get a little odd because those really grumpy patrons? They're going to start talking to you in your interactions, quite often they will start being a little pleasanter because you've put a dent in their jaded viewpoint of customer service. They may still not be so nice but they will start offering random advice or whatever else, this is them trying to reach out, try to reach back, and you'll both walk away a little better.
So, here is the thing... Keep it casual, try to soothe but not condescend in stressful situations, try and make a little small talk with regulars "Oh, I liked this book," or "Have you tried this cheese in pasta?" or "Have you heard of our app?" or some other such thing, empower your patrons, and that's it really.... Too many people see the job as just a job and the patrons become tasks instead of human beings, but they are human beings, and things go smoother when we remember that. People are just people and kids are just kids.
It doesn't matter what is going on, yelling, robbery, whatever... The calmer you are the better the outcome is going to be. If you're being robbed, give them the money and follow directions, the clearer headed you are, the less likely you are to do something stupid that is going to cost someone, the less likely a situation is going to escalate.
do not ever use phrases like "i was looking up my symptoms, and..."
this can make some doctors automatically assume you're a hypochondriac, make them feel like you're trying to render them useless or go over their heads, etc.
Never let a doctor know you've done your own research.
they hate this more than anything
don't ever lead with what you think you might have. it makes them defensive and they hate it so much.
instead, open the conversation by discussing all your individual symptoms. keep it in the realm of the concrete, e.g. tummy hurts, dizzy, feeling sluggish, more pain when waking up then at other times of day, etc.
discuss symptoms not speculations - even well-grounded concerns often come across as hypochondria to the ears of doctors -
Begin the conversation with concrete symptoms
not with "i was doing some reading and..." please learn from my communication mistakes ily
