#confessionofanadoptee

[aerialklove]

Breakdown of my Biological Family vs. The Family that raised me...

Biological Family

Birth Mother: P. Biological Father: T Siblinging on my birth mother side: Roddy (brother), Tee (sister), Quan ( sister), A. ( twin brother)

Sibling my my biological father side: S. ( sister) Quan ( sister) A. ( twin brother)

So me, Quan and A. are full siblings.  However... Tee and Roddy’s father believe’s I am his biological dauther because I look exactly like his son! There has been no DNA test done though. So do I know who my biological father is for real? Nope but I love all of my siblings. 

Adoptive Family 

Momma: S. Dad: N. Siblingings: Wil ( brother) Meme ( sister)

My parents fostered me and my twin from five months old to about seven years old. In that time span she was able to have two children naturally. She thought she couldnt have kids initially and thats why she became a fostered parent. Boom! She ended up with four kids. My twin and I was seven, Wil was five, and Meme was probaby a year old.  I am the oldest of four and the second youngest of six. I am older than my twin brother. Talk about awkward middle child!

So seven siblings and two that do not want to meet me which is okay. That’s basically the simplified version of things.

[aerialklove]

I Miss My Birth Mother

Hey friends! I know I have been absent but things are settling for me. I just had a photography exhibition in partnership with a friend of mine. It was awesome! A good chunk of people were there! My mom and little sister came. My oldest sister and my nephew came. I wanted to invite my birth mother P. I haven't talked to her in months because I was upset with her. I had found out that my twin brother, the one that doesn't really want anything to do with her, gave her a lot of money because she begged him for it... basically harassed him. I was pissed and I didn't speak to her. Aaron didn't tell me this until after the fact so I was like.... I need to calm my brain before I speak with her. 

As angry as I was the grief that I feel is really. Its weighted but it buried deep. I almost called her but I hung up the phone. I avoided the parts of town where she hangs out at. I wanted her to see my accomplishments and I want to see her and my momma together. I wanted to take a picture with both of them but that is very wishful thinking. 

I am twenty-five...almost twenty six...in a month and four days. My birth mother was twenty-four or twenty-five when all five of her children were taken away from her because of her mental health condition .  I thought if I invite her she may go through an array of emotions and I cant handle that. I don't know what to do. 

So I let her be wherever she was...whatever she was doing but I do miss her. 

[aerialklove]

Confessions of An Adoptee

Sad to say I didn't start the new year off happy like I wanted to. When midnight came around I was laying in my bed thinking about all the stuff that has happened and it left me feeling really down. My household as I know it is changing. We all have our own accomplishments and our own woes that we are trying to work through.

I believe my parents are going to legalize their separation if they do go to court. I am dealing with this more so internally than externally. I do not want my mom to see my sad or sulking or whatever. Being strong for her, I feel, is my job at the moment. My dad needs support too and right now I am not sure how to really do that for him. Why? Because he will not support himself.

Seeing my birth mother after Christmas made me happy and sad at the same time. I believe she was having an “episode” but she wasn't angry or fussing. She seemed happy to see up but she wanted money that none of us were willing or able to give. I was the first one to get back in the car.

I am speaking positivity on this new year but I am also being real with myself as well. I am in between counseling sessions so I am just trying to take it easy.

[aerialklove]

Holiday Blues: An Adoptee Perspective

It's like throwing a brick at a brick wall. Trying to explain why I get anxious and upset during the holiday is like throwing a brick at a brick wall. So I don't explain really.

I thought this holiday would be better. I'm older. I've accepted and acknowledge a lot of stuff and feelings but at the pit of my stomach there is suppressed feelings, uncertainty and dread. I didn't know my parents would be seperated and that my mom's family may have dinner early so that may give me time to visit biological family.

Ya'll didn't hear me lol!!

If I have dinner early I may get to see biological family on Thanksgiving! This has triggered my anxiety for years and now it may subside because of the possibility of seeing other family. That's exciting.

Another reason I have the blues is because of the expectations and questions that arises over the holidays. Am I in school? Do I have a boyfriend? Have I gained weight? Blah blah blah. I have to come to realize that I don't owe anyone anything. I'm not saying this in a place of hostility but more so of self care and privacy. No I'm not hoping to be rude to my granny but she doesn't need to know everything just because she asked. Right?

I don't know peeps. Therapy has helped a lot. I am so grateful for someone who just hears me.

[aerialklove]

National Adoption Awareness Month

I have been thinking about my adoptee journey a lot lately. I am 25 and I very been on this journey since I found out I was adopted at 12 years old. I have been more serious over the last seven years of my life with figuring all of this out. I am in the last stages of the technical parts of it all. I am going to request a DNA test from my birth father. I am going to connect with his side of the family. I am also going to do a general DNA test as well. Next is managing relationships and writing a memoir about my journey. Oh and finding a community of adoptees in my area. I want to open the conversation about Adoption but more specifically adoptee stories.

[aerialklove]

I never thought my parents would be seperated...

One of the most vivid childhood memory I have is my parents yelling at each other to sign divorce papers. Sometimes their yelling turned into fighting. My dad would eventually leave. This happened over and over again thru the years. My dad's struggles with his sobriety . Alcohol turns into a totally different person.

Well it's been a week. Last Tuesday my dad...in a drunken rage hit my mom. She called the cops and got a protective Order on him. If he comes to the house drunk and she call the cops he can be charged n with a felony and be put in jail. So now my dad stays at his late parents house which makes him sad. I have seen my dad maybe three times in the last week which makes me sad.

A part of me is happy that they are unofficially seperated and then another part of me feels like my parents just got a divorce.

I just wish things can be OK again.

[aerialklove]

Tempted to buy an Ancestry DNA Kit...An Adoptee Perspective

Has anyone had a good experience with this? I am so tempted! Pros? Cons? Worth it?

[aerialklove]

Watching my birth mother through my rear view mirror: An Adoptee's Perspective

I was driving thru town ( Charlottesville) to go to a radio interview. I saw a lady crossing the street and realized that it was my birth mother P. I was running a little late but wanted to say hi. It almost felt like a natural instinct to do so. So I pulled in to the parking lot she was standing in. She was talking to this young looking guy. Her friend ( this old guy) was sitting on a bench across the street watching. I watched her for a moment. She had a light pink jacket on. I had never seen her in pink before. I thought about saying hi but I thought what if she talks my head of which I don't mind....or asks me for money or a ride ....So I prayed that she didn't see me and I drove away.

I felt awful about it. To see the woman who gave birth to me on the sidewalk and not able to say hi...that's real pain. To see her living her life and to know that my life is what it is ( not in a negative...mean way) because of her choices...creates this deep, overwhelming sadness. I think a lot about how things could have been...or should have been. I think about how things are now and all of it feels so weighted.

How does it feel to see your birth mother ten feet in front of you and not be able to talk to her?

It freakin sucks!