The Great Divide: Four
Confusion: Old feelings and jumbled thoughts start to resurface as this Ushijima starts to resemble the one you knew all those years ago.
WC: 3.1k
The present…
I wake to the sound of banging at the door. My god damn head hurts, and I mean hurts. I drag myself out of bed to open the door, finding one of the staff members waiting with a cart full of food.
“Oh, I didn’t order this.” He stares back at me puzzled.
“The gentleman did, a Mr. Ushijima I believe.” Now it’s my turn to blink at them in confusion. He’s not even here from what I can see.
“Oh, thanks. Wait, let me get my wallet for a tip.” He shakes his head.
“No need, the gentleman tipped very well indeed when he ordered.” He rolls the cart of food into the room, and leaves without a trace. This whole morning is puzzling indeed.
I walk back over to the bed to find my phone plugged in on the nightstand, and a bottle of ibuprofen next to it. There’s a note under the bottle, written in his strangely perfect script.
“On a run. Be back soon. Eat and take these.” It says. I shake my head, going over to the small table in the corner to eat. There’s an odd mix of things flying through my head right now. Faint memories of last night. Some blurry, and difficult to unpack.
“Did I hug him?” I say out loud to myself. I go to the bathroom after I eat, expecting smudged make up and crazy hair. All I find is a clean face and my bonnet tied around my head. I’m also in actual pajamas instead of the clothes from last night. More pieces come back to me from last night. He changed my clothes, did my skincare, and tied my hair up. I was being so stupid annoying, and he did it anyway. I hear the door and rush out to greet him.
He stands there, in gray sweatpants this time, with a black sleeveless compression shirt. He’s breathing hard as he swipes a small towel over his face and arms.
“Hi.” I croak. He turns his head in my direction. I want to lick the sweat stain on his back, but I keep that thought to myself.
“Hi. Did you sleep okay?” He asks. He doesn’t come any closer, but I find myself drifting towards him.
“Yeah. Did you?” He nods, but I know he’s lying. I can see it in the stiffness of his neck and shoulders even after he went on his daily run.
“Did you… clean me up last night?” He nods once more.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know.”
“I was being difficult.”
“You’re always being difficult.” He doesn’t say it like an insult, just a statement of fact. He’s not wrong.
“I suppose so.” We stand in silence for a few seconds, just looking at each other.
“I’m going to shower.” I nod. I keep nodding for way too long before I eventually stop.
“You’re standing in front of the door.”
“OH! Sorry, sorry.” I finally move out of the way. He grabs his clothes and shuts himself inside the bathroom. I finally exhale.
Now seems like the perfect time to slip away inconspicuously. I slip into my green bikini and grab my shawl cover up. I pack my beach bag with sunscreen, sunglasses, and the book I’m reading. Slipping into my sandals and leave; clicking the the door closed as quietly as possible.
Essentially, I spend the whole day at the beach pretending to read my book. I try, I really do, but all I can focus on is last night and this morning with Ushijima. It doesn’t add up with the picture I had painted of him in my mind's eye. The rest of last night comes to me and it’s worse than I imagined. Multiple times, I drunkenly danced on him and he just stood there and let me.
To add insult to injury, I said I wanted to fuck him so many times. SO many. He should’ve slapped some sense into me. He would never do that, but he should’ve. Then he brings me back here, puts all my ducks in a row, and orders me breakfast so I can avoid a headache today, and he was successful. The headache I have now is due to my complete lack of tact last night. I decide to stay far, far away from any alcohol for the rest of the trip. I’m actually going to keep my promise this time, because if I don’t I’ll explode. I knew it was dangerous to do last night and now I’m suffering the consequences.
…
At about two pm I force myself to go back upstairs and get ready for this food crawl. When I open the door, I see him out on the balcony. He sits in one of the rattan chairs, reading. He doesn’t hear me come in. I stand there, admiring for a second. He’s always been pretty. Some might say handsome, but he looks more like his mother. He has her tan skin and hazel brown eyes, with his father’s dark brown hair. His beauty is almost threatening, because you’d never expect it. Big scary guy, and he’s the prettiest man you’ve ever seen with perpetually pouty lips. When I think about it too long, it makes me angry.
I pull myself away from my creeping and begin rummaging through my bag for the other outfit I brought. I’m glad I packed something semi-casual and not wedding related. I take my clothes and lock myself in the bathroom before he can notice, or say something. I’m nervous around him all of a sudden. The constant up and down in my feelings around him is maddening. I take extra care in scrubbing myself for no reason in particular and lather myself in body oil afterwards, as per usual.
The outfit I have on looks better in person than I’d imagined it. The flare jeans I thrifted fit me perfectly. I have a lacey camisole underneath a white top that ties on the front, left side of my body. It’s a halter top that leaves a very pleasing v in the front. My camisole peaks out underneath it, leaving my cleavage exposed. I accessorize with my usual everyday necklaces, some gold and silver bangles, and my favorite gold chunky ring on my right index finger. I fix my hair in a cute updo, and rummage through my jewelry bag for my hoops. I don’t find them, which means they’re probably in the front pocket of my carry-on.
I brace myself for the world outside the bathroom. When I open the door Ushijima is sitting on the couch, doing the NYT crossword on his laptop. It shouldn’t surprise me that he does the daily crossword, but it does for a moment. I get a brief flashback of him going through three or four crossword books a month. It makes me smile to myself, while I look through my carry-on. When I stand up, earrings in hand, unclipping them to put them in my ears, he’s looking at me. Intensely.
“Hi.” I break the awkward silence.
“Hi. You look nice.” He swallows hard when he says it.
“Thanks. You look pretty good too.” He never dresses fancy, but he’s always pretty put together. He wears a Hawaiian patterned shirt, open to a white tank underneath. Unfortunately, he is a perpetual soccer dad in khaki pants, but they fit him so nicely I don’t even care.
“This might be the most color I’ve ever seen you wear voluntarily.” I sit on the ottoman by the door to put my heels on. They’re the cutest platform heels I have. Straps criss-cross over the top of my toes and they clasp at the ankle.
“I’m trying new things.” I look up to find him much closer than the last time I saw him. Without a word, he kneels in front of me, taking my foot in his hands. Despite having such large fingers, he deftly clasps the buckle on the side of each shoe. When he stands he looks normal, but I’m melting a little on the inside. I stand up and grab my purse from the coffee table where I left it earlier. He opens the door and gestures for me to go out first.
The silence in the elevator isn’t awkward exactly, but it's teetering the line. The food crawl starts with a boat ride to wherever the venue is, and the ride to the dock is so short, we have someone drive us in a golfcart. When he offers his hand to help me out of the golfcart, I take it. There’s no outright shock on his face, but I can see it in the way that his grip tightens. He doesn’t mention it, but he looks more than pleased when I glance over at him. I take his hand once more when he’s helping me step onto the boat.
We sit closer together than necessary, but neither of us mentions it. The start of the tour begins on the boat when we’re handed fruity cocktails with umbrellas. It’s an odd juxtaposition watching Ushijima take the glass delicately in his giant hands. When we finish our drinks the boat ride begins. The wind whips around my face, and I put my sunglasses on to keep it out of my eyes. I turn to look at Ushijima and see him squinting against the wind. I laugh to myself and watch him struggle for a minute before handing him the spare sunglasses I brought with me. If there’s one thing that will always be consistent about Ushijima, it’s that he’s practical. He only packs what's absolutely necessary, and I bet he didn’t expect the need for sunglasses. He accepts them gratefully. Seeing him in these giant diva glasses only makes me laugh harder.
He laughs with me.
…
The food crawl was amazing. We tried so many different native foods, with a street style twist on them. I can’t remember the names of anything, but every single bite was fantastic. And don’t get me started on the deserts. Creamy custards, and fried jelly-filled donuts. Many traditional deserts. Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, mango. Things came in flavors I couldn’t dream of imagining. And best of all. I had fun. We had fun. There were of course cocktails. I abstained from most, but some looked too good I just couldn’t say no. Ushijima indulged too. Which is odd, because he never drinks. By the end of the tour he was downright giggling. He demanded I feed him every desert and I happily obliged.
Every emotion shown so brightly on his face, it was hard to imagine it was him. It was him without the mask that keeps all his emotions locked tightly behind his heart. In a place, where no one can find them. But he wore his heart on his sleeve today. It only makes me like him more. When we get back he’s so tired, he doesn’t even protest when I tell him to take a nap in the bed.
I don’t sleep. I just sit next to him and watch as his face relaxes into calm. I’ve never looked at him so plainly while he slept. He’s peaceful here. No permanent scowl, no furrowed brows. Smooth serenity evident in his features. He sleeps for an hour and a half, before I have to wake him for the rehearsal dinner. By this time, I’ve already changed into my dress for this event. It’s similar to my dress from the other night, but instead of it being off the shoulder it’s a halter top. The skirt on this is also flowier. It’s in a deep green, and I took my hairstyle from earlier to let my hair drape down my back.
“You’re very pretty.” Is the first thing he says when he wakes up. I take the compliment, but concede that he’s probably still a little drunk.
“You have to get ready for the rehearsal dinner.” He nods solemnly, before pushing himself off the bed and into the bathroom to get changed. That weird energy is still buzzing between the two of us and it’s messing with my head. The simplest things from him make me feel like I’m floating.
When he comes out of the bathroom I’m stunned speechless. He’s in a suit, jacket slung over one arm, and finishing the buttons on his top. Holy shit.
“Well don’t you clean up nice.” The corner of his mouth peaks up in what is a grin by his definition.
“Not better than you.” The compliment shocks me more than it should. I return his smile, before going to put my shoes back on. He helps me once again, and the sight of him kneeling in front of me is even better in the suit. We walk impossibly close to each other, it’s almost sickening.
We go down the elevator and into the ballroom where the wedding is being held. We’re met with a high ceiling, dark wood chairs, and beautiful drapery from the ceilings. It feels like walking through a king’s palace. I see Amanai as he sees Satori, and turn to go our separate ways.
I hug her and she’s immediately suspicious of me. “What’s with that gleam in your eye? You guys had fun on that food crawl huh?” I roll my eyes at what she’s insinuating.
“Calm down, nothing happened.”
“Yet.” I smack her shoulder.
“Hey! Look, I’m just… happy. I’m happy that you two are getting along again. And maybe I’m rooting for some romance but only if that’s really what you two want.” In a stroke of luck, someone comes by with a tray of champagne. She takes one, but I abstain asking if they wouldn’t mind bringing me a Sanpellegrino.
“Did you guys rig that scavenger hunt?” She smiles devilishly. It’s exactly the kind of thing she and Satori do when they don’t get their way. They really are perfect for each other.
“I want to take credit for this fateful event, but no. As luck would have you, you two are just extremely competitive.” I stare at her, affronted.
“I am not. Sure, it’s his job to be competitive, but I am very gracious. The hunt was just easy.” She looks at me, unimpressed.
“Honey, that scavenger hunt was supposed to take at least an hour, it took you two twenty-five minutes. I think you beat their record.” The waiter comes back with my drink, which I take gratefully.
“So maybe, I am a tad competitive.”
“If I’m being honest, Satori and I wanted to win. The flyer for that food crawl looked amazing, but if it brought you two closer to sorting this dilemma out, I can’t be mad.”
“Well it hasn’t happened yet, but my anger towards him is slowly slipping away. Now, I’m just kinda sad that all this time has been wasted.” I stare into my can, imagining what could’ve been the reason for our separation besides the one I’ve been dreaming up.
“Yeah, well now’s the time to find out. You two have two more days stuck in that hotel room, and I expect that bed to be used to the fullest extent.”
“Don’t you have bride things you should be doing?”
“No, but I’ll leave you to think about Ushijima.” I roll my eyes as she scampers away. She’s not wrong, but she doesn’t have to mention it.
…
The rehearsal goes smoothly and we have a five course dinner afterwards. It’s good, but I don’t think anything will compare to the Brazilian food tour we went on earlier. Ushijima’s eyes meet mine over the rim of my glass, it seems we’re thinking the same thing. It makes me smile to myself now that we have this “thing” between us that we aren’t acknowledging quite yet. It exists in the gray area of thoughts right now.
Watching Tendo and Amanai flounce about on their wedding trip gives me a heady sort of feeling. Having seen them through many stages of life, and watching them grow together, has been one of the best things about the life I’m living. It makes me think back to what Amanai said at the scavenger hunt, and she’s right. I’m not happy. Content sure. But happy? I’m happy watching all the good things happen to my loved ones, but it does feel like something’s missing.
I see him out of the corner of my eye, talking to someone, glass in hand. He doesn’t look like he’s really listening and my suspicions are confirmed when he glances this way. I’ve caught him staring or felt his gaze on me many times the past few days. I usually ignore it. I smile back at him instead and his look of pure shock melts into one of his subtle and shy smiles. Someone is missing from my life.
We stick around after dinner for a little while. Talking, and drifting around one another. Like planets in orbit. Sometimes getting close, but never touching. When I start seeing some people leave, I decide to break from my orbit and walk over to him as he talks to an old friend. The friend leaves before I reach him and I take it as my sign. I’m tired. He’s probably tired of being around all these people. Seems like a valid reason to leave a little early.
“You ready to turn in for the night?” He nods, eyes tired.
We don’t talk on our way to the elevator, nor do we talk in the elevator. Realistically, we don’t have to go back to the hotel room at the same time. I know that, I do, but I wanted to. Even if it means just sitting in silence with him. I stand behind him as he unlocks the door, wordlessly I grab my things and slip into the bathroom. I do my night skincare routine, and get into my pajama set. When I come out of the bathroom he’s sitting on the couch, clothes in hand. He passes me in silence. It’s comfortable, nice even, that we don’t have to talk to understand one another. I pace outside the bathroom door, waiting for him to come out. When he opens the door, he startles, shocked to find me standing there.
“Do you want to share the bed?” His eyes widen for a fraction of a second. We stare at each other, unblinking. He nods.
He walks to the other side of the bed, the one that I clearly have not been occupying. I get in on my side. We lay there on our backs, staring up at the ceiling, no words passing between us. I turn to my side hoping I’ll find sleep. Knowing I won’t.
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a/n: I'm sorry if my clothes descriptions for reader are really specific I just hate when I can't envision a cunty fit.
