you fit in between each of my five fingers
It's like I want to throw you off a cliff but jump down to the end just to save you.
Sometimes I wonder why you treat me so indifferently from other girls... or let's just call them girls that I think you would prefer...
I hate it when you're with me and all you do is text. All I can think of is ways to plot a murder or having such evil thoughts of hoping something went wrong in between so you two can just stop contacting each other. I HATE IT.
I hate it that you make me feel like i'm just an alternative you turn to just because you didn't have a better choice. I hate it that I have to resort to posting all these horrible thoughts and feelings inside me... right here in tumblr just because I have no idea where else I could rant.. The feeling is like wanting to rant, yet not wanting you to see but hoping you'll realize it yourself..... I know girls are horrible people... they always think that guys are like magician, knowing their every single thought (I really hate to be like this)
I'm not making a statement in this damn space about how badly you treated me. In fact, even so, it doesn't change how you make me feel...
I know you care for me... Days when I am having my period, you would slow down, walk with me, ask if i'm okay, force me to drink water. Other days like when I'm upset you would force me to spill out my thoughts and feelings... When I grumble and whine to get my way with you, you would NEVER GIVE IN.... until I give up then you let me win. When I don't tell you what happened, you would invade my privacy and check thru messages to find out yourself. Maybe I was too attentive to notice what you've done for me, and because I know, I care too much to let myself vulnerable towards you. And because I know, I didn't want to tell you how much I hated all those texts you'd give/get....
We fight, quarrel, bicker... whatever. But all those shit we put ourselves in, I've never wanted to hurt anyone else especially you. I wonder why time, has made our concern for each other less obvious but more distant. You can't bring yourself to speak comfort words of apologies.. Or tell me things I've never knew on nights where you called on random. When we quarrel, it'll be as though I made you put the blame on yourself..
There are days where I just felt like giving you a call but I know it doesn't work like that... It's either you want to talk to me, or never... Your voice wasn't the soundtrack of my summer, but to be able to bicker with you on the phone, it felt great and real.
Times when we could laugh with our eyes close next to each other.... my eyes traced down the contour of your face and I wondered to myself, "why aren't we together...?" At the back of my mind, I wonder if you felt the same way too...
I didn't let myself fall deep because I knew... it might not be like that... I shouldn't think deep, shouldn't feel... shouldn't let myself rely. I wouldn't admit how much I really liked what's in between the unexplained terms.
He aren't my boyfriend but this form of reliance and shelter has such an uncanny resemblance to love. In fact, feels a lot like it.
