#cpstd recovery

[witchothebogfolk]

I remember and reclaim what I buried to make others comfortable.

My joy, whimsy, enthusiasm, and passion.

My tears and rage.

My magic, my witchcraft, my strength.

[beadigitaldiary]

- Quick vent - cw? idrk

my relationship with my stepdad has always been… complicated. not completely bad, not completely good. just a lot of awkwardness with some bittersweet moments in between, but i think my own issues with my bio dad made everything feel heavier than it already was

he’s been verbally harsh numerous of times with me since i was around 15, and for a long time it felt normalized. like it was just “how things are” and i had to deal with it cus my mom was doing the same too whenever she got frustrated + i had to watch his god awful son..

and when i became an adult, it turned into years of being pressured about getting a job. constantly feeling like i wasn’t doing enough, even though i’ve been trying in my own way

he doesn’t say it as much anymore, but not that long ago he still told me i was “falling behind” and compared me to other people and that kind of thing sticks with you. it doesn’t just go away

i think what hurts the most is that i don’t even see him as a completely bad person. that’s what makes it confusing. because how do you process someone who hurt you, but also had moments where they didn’t???

i don’t even want to change him anymore. i just want to change how i feel. because being around him makes me anxious, like i’m always bracing myself for what he’s going to say next and i hate that feeling. i hate feeling small in my own home

sometimes i catch myself wondering why the men in my life make me feel like this? like i’m always not enough, always behind, always needing to prove something..wasnt even enough for my own father to stay. tired of always getting the bad end of peoples actions.

and i know life isn’t a race. i know i had different opportunities, different struggles, different timing i just wish those things were understood instead of used against me yk? i’m still healing. and i think it’s okay that it’s taking time :]]]

[lilacsandsadprose]

My first day of PHP went okay. Lots of meetings, lots of questions, very overwhelming. I do have the same treatment team!

I met with A first and we talked mostly about my recent trauma(s) and the sexual assaults that took place over the summer and in early fall. It was a vulnerable conversation, but A is so safe, and it was nice to talk to her about it all despite the anxiety and shame it took to even bring up that it had happened.

I met with H before lunch, and we talked about similar things, but also talked about meds and decided to cross taper the Effexor and start Prozac next week after the Abilify increase has a chance to set in.

Groups were slow today, focusing on avoidance, and it was hard to concentrate and open up, but nonetheless, I'm grateful for the opportunity to access and receive specialized help and support for my trauma and dissociative disorder.

Looking forward to seeing what next week brings!

[witchothebogfolk]

For the first time, I actually enjoyed part of my run today! It genuinely felt good to challenge my body, to feel it doing something more than the usual. A very strange, new to me feeling, and a very welcome one!

[parkthatcardreamofme]

hellooooo fellow dbt people i wanted to share something that has been really helping me when i feel like im about to spiral out. it’s an app literally called mindful breathing and it’s the most simple app ever

you can customize the themes, breathing sequences, and if it vibrates or not. i’ve been trying to do it when i’m feeling bad or begin to ruminate on a situation. if i notice that bad feeling in my chest i stop what im doing and remember to breathe

[captain-crowfish]

I was about 8 years old when the song "Hall of Fame" was popular and probably the first song I remember feeling like it spoke to me. Particularly the lines "You can walk straight through hell with a smile." Because that's what I did, every day. 5 days a week I was sent to hell with a school teacher who punished me for the crime of being a child, and singled me out for having (at the time undiagnosed) special needs. I grinned at whatever was spat at me, because I knew I had done nothing to earn it. Even when my parents didn't believe I was being abused I smiled. Because I could still see my friends every day. While they taught me how to fight like a warrior cat I learned how to turn my words into ricochets. Because surviving is not worth repercussions.

[witchothebogfolk]

"If you're feeling stuck, find the Death card. The card behind is it what you need to leave behind. The one in front is what you need to focus on."

Yeah, this seems about right. It's definitely been Tower time; the shattering of what I thought I knew, changing, transforming through facing hard truths. Time to leave behind the hurts and blame, though, and embrace the changes that have come from destroying my illusions.

Stop focusing on the changes inflicted by others in the past, and instead turn my eye to the changes I have created by facing the hurt. Centre the work I have done, the effort I have put in, and reap the reward of finally feeling like my own damn person, rather than a collection of symptoms and trauma responses!

[wicthdragon]