Nov 28, 2025
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Happy Thanksgiving!
imagine your a firefighter in LA in the 911verse. you hear about some guy getting impaled through the head with rebar and surviving: the guy is a firefighter. you think “woah what a coincidence”. you see on the news a firefighter getting stabbed and a woman getting kidnapped. it’s the same guy as before. you see on the news a fire truck getting blown up, and a firefighter getting crushed by it. at least it’s a new guy this time. it’s the same station as the guy before. that’s a little strange, isn’t it? he makes a miraculous recovery. a year later you hear about a man saving people during a tsunami. it’s the same fucking guy. you see on the news a firefighter getting trapped in a well, and another firefighter clawing at dirt. the firefighter looks familiar. it’s the same. fucking. guy. whatever, there’s plenty of coincidences, right? a year later you see your colleagues getting shot on TV, one face looks a little familiar, but you don’t place it until after the shooter is caught. it’s the fucking guy who was stuck in the well. this is getting a bit ridiculous now, isn’t it? you hear on the news that a firefighter got caught killing people on purpose, and that is was solved by two other firefighters. you beg, you plead, you pray to the TV gods that it’s somebody new, some other station. it’s not. when you hear about a firefighter being struck by lightning at a scene, you have a fleeting moment of hope where you believe it might someone else. you punch a hole through your TV as soon as his face shows up. you don’t replace your TV. you go to a poker game with your boss, hoping to find some solace in this horrible, hopeless world you’ve found yourself in. you see them and nearly the flip the table. you don’t follow the news anymore, you don’t go anywhere besides work, paranoid that they will appear suddenly. you get a call about a bridge collapse. you quit your job as you as you get to the scene. you go on a cruise. you meet another man who says he’s also a firefighter. you ask him what station he works for (it’s only the polite thing to do). you run away and stay in your cabin. the boat fucking capsizes. a helicopter descends from the sky, and you want to feel relief, but all you feel is horrible, all consuming dread. a hand reaches out to pull you up, you grab it, unthinking, and look up to see who’s rescued you. you let go.
LADS THIRST TWEETS - SYLUS EDITION 🐦⬛🔞
Hosted by ©Sylusslittlekitten - All rights reserved
Crack Post Masterlist here
Thirst Tweet Masterlist here
Presented by Luke and Kieran
Luke: [talking incredibly fast] Okay, we're back.
Kieran: [looking at Luke] What’s wrong with you?
Luke: I want it on record that this [gestures wildly] was a bad idea.
Kieran: [proud] It’s our best idea. EVER.
Luke: [shaking his head] I swear you were dropped on your head as a baby.
Kieran: [bold as balls, smug as shit] Then why aren't you affected? Huh? Got brain damage by osmosis?
Luke: [sighs] So. Thirst tweets.
Kieran: For anyone new here, thirst tweets are those unfiltered thoughts you have when a someone exists too loudly on your screen.
Luke: … and your brain does the Windows shutdown noise.
Kieran: The “feral gremlin gimme gimme” thoughts.
Luke: The kind of thing you type at 3am, stare at for ten seconds, whisper 'delete'...
Kieran: … and then hits post anyway. With confidence.
Luke: And regret.
Kieran: … brought to you by sleep deprivation and bad decisions. (Don't worry, these 'tweets' aren't real - completely fictional)
Luke: And today [sighs and pauses for a long time] … we're doing the last of the quint.
Kieran: Yeah. The most hyped one.
Luke: The man whose fans do not whisper. [in tiny] no pressure
Kieran: They bark.
Luke: In tags. In comments.
Kieran: They've got custom emoticons and a spreadsheet of his veins. [face drops in realisation]... Luke, I take it back, this was a terrible idea.
Luke: You’re finally agreeing with me?
Kieran: [turns to Luke] yeah, because he agreed… somehow.
Luke: I still don't understand why he agreed.
Kieran: That's because you're thinking like a sane person.
Sylus: You invited me.
Luke: WE DIDN'T THINK YOU'D COME.
Kieran: We thought you'd send a lawyer.
Luke: Or send a cease and desist.
Kieran: Or a threat.
Sylus: [confidently] I considered it. [pauses] Then, I decided this would be more entertaining.
Luke: That's not comforting at all.
Kieran: We’re about to hand him the internet equivalent of a live grenade.
Sylus: [crossing his legs] I'm very comfortable.
Kieran: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!
Luke: That's upsetting.
Kieran: You keep raising the stakes.
Luke: Alright. [deep breath, hands on knees like he's about to throw up] Worst decision we've ever made collectively.
Kieran: The Bossman™️.
Both: Sylus [silence]
Sylus: Proceed.
💬 TWEET 1
“mc calls him ‘Little S’ and now i’m concerned. is that cute? is that flirty? is that about his dick? because if so, i need them to run.”
Luke: [really confused] Little S??
Kieran: Sounds like a terrible SoundCloud rapper.
Luke: No but seriously… is that cute or are they being shady?
Kieran: [leans in, deadpan] I need context.
Sylus: [shrugs] It’s their nickname.
Luke: And you’re okay with that?
Sylus: Depends how they say it.
Kieran: [mocking tone] “Yes, Little S…”
Sylus: [calmly] You can be replaced.
💬 TWEET 2
“he calls you kitten while you’re weeping into his silk sheets. then laughs. 💸💸💸 before talking you through it like a goddamn audiobook.”
Sylus: [laughs]
Kieran: That’s not a laugh, that's an OnlyFans paywall sound.
Luke: You know that laugh sounds like money right?
Kieran: Yeah, expensive... Like the laundry bill.
Sylus: Like you boys would do the laundry.
Luke: I'd need a hazmat to touch your bedsheets.
💬 TWEET 3
“sylus’ aftercare be like: ‘drink some water, sweetie.’ meanwhile you’re lying there with your legs twitching like they’re rehearsing for a k-pop comeback.”
Luke: [laughing] Such a Badass.
Kieran: [in tiny] he can come on my back.
[Luke and Sylus stare at Kieran]
Kieran: [continues in tiny] he could spit in my mouth and call it hydration.
Luke: [stares into the void] How are we from the same egg?
Sylus: I also brought a heated towel and cut strawberries into little hearts.
Luke: [slow-blinks] That's somehow worse.
Kieran: What?
Luke: [to Kieran] You should come with a trigger warning.
Kieran: HA, you said come!
💬 TWEET 4
“he doesn’t tease. he gaslights your orgasm. ‘you haven’t cum yet.’ sir, there’s a puddle. my soul left the building and took my spine with it.”
Sylus: I never said they didn’t.
Luke: [hiding his face] OH MY GOD!
Sylus: I implied they could do better.
Luke: That’s not teasing… that’s a final boss mechanic.
Kieran: Me reading the damage report like “they used to walk???”
💬 TWEET 5
”’breathe, you’re doing well’ he says. ‘go down, just a little more’ he coos. my divine sovereign. i am trying my fucking best while choking on praise, on duty, on dick. i’ve already hit the floor. fuck. i am the floor”
Sylus: You’re the floor, huh?
Luke: [laughing until he chokes] WH.. WAIT… THE FLOOR?!
Kieran: [laughing so hard he falls off his chair] I knew he was freaky but…
Sylus: I’m not apologising.
Luke: [wiping tears] I really didn’t need to picture this…
Kieran: [snorting on the floor. crying. holding his guts. looking like he'll either piss or shit himself]
Luke: [follows Kieran with laughing] We’re not surviving this… Kieran, stop laughing…
[2 minutes pass]
Sylus: [nonchalantly] My little bird earned every word of praise.
Kieran: I'd read the whole doctrine. Latin chants. [does hand gestures] Book of Thirstalonians.
Luke: I feel like I've been spiritually violated.
Sylus: You volunteered.
Kieran: Bro, I would kneel.
Luke: He'd step on you.
Kieran: That's what I'm hoping for. Also, [trying to hold it together] hehe … actually… ‘divine sovereign’ kinda slaps… hehehe
Luke: [smirks] Should we be calling him that?
Kieran: [covers his mouth trying to hold back]
Luke: Like … hehe…
Sylus: Don’t.
Luke: hehehe… your highness…
Kieran: [blurts out uncontrollably] DADDY!!!
[Luke and Kieran fall to the floor dying with laughter]
Sylus: [pinches his nose bridge] Why am I even here?
💬 TWEET 6
“you cum once and sylus gets that look. the one that says ‘congratulations, i knew you could handle it.’ sir, this is my last life bar.”
Sylus: I didn’t get to use my ult either.
Kieran: What is this, a smash cut between Valorant and PornHub ?
Luke: WHO THE FUCK HAS AN ULT IN BED?!
Sylus: [smirks] I built combo points.
Kieran: My man is using EVOL on cooldown.
Mephi: CAW!
Luke: EVEN THE BIRD’S IN ON IT?!
Sylus: [smirks]
Kieran: [stood on his chair] FINISH THEM!
Mephi: CAW!
💬 TWEET 7
“he doesn’t need to tie me up. he just needs to say ‘stay like this. don’t move’ like he’s talking to a misbehaving pet, and i would obey while my pussy purred.”
Sylus: [raises brow] Don’t move.
Luke: Oh my god, it’s the tone.
Kieran: I’ve heard that tone.
Sylus: You moved.
Kieran: [drools and purrs]
Luke: I hate how fast you submitted.
Kieran: My body hears that voice and just auto-submits. I don't get a choice. Don’t judge me.
💬 TWEET 8
“sylus has an armoury, library, and a forge. man’s in there smelting cheeks and crafting post-nut poetry. i would let that man weaponise my cervix.”
Sylus: ...I do write better after.
Luke: [wiping tears from his eyes] 'Smelting cheeks' is crazy… I’m crying.
Kieran: [laughing] That post-nut poetry tho *chef’s kiss*
Luke: [in the foetal position on the floor] ‘Weaponise my cervix’ lives in my head now. rent-free.
Kieran: It made me black out, open my Notes app, and write smut, Luke!
💬 TWEET 9
“sylus in rut isn’t an event. it’s a threat. man said ‘completely devour you’ like it’s a bad thing. sir, i’m ready to disappear until you’re satiated.”
Sylus: I did warn them. I had their consent.
Luke: Consent or not, I heard that room was redecorated afterwards.
Mephi: CAW CAW!
Sylus: [shrugs] I was hungry.
Kieran: Hungry? Just order a 50 piece Mcnugget share box like everyone else.
Sylus: I’m not that greedy.
Kieran: [eyebrow raised] I thought you could never be satisfied.
Mephi: [in tiny] caw
Sylus: [stares and pauses]
Kieran: PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME.
💬 TWEET 10
“i don’t need aftercare. i need a wheelchair, a blood transfusion, and a support group for ‘people who took both Ds and met the fucking abyss.’”
Luke and Kieran stare at Sylus: Both?
Sylus: [blinks] Both.
Luke: [confused] But… what…
Sylus: I said what I said.
Kieran: [nodding] Both is good.
Luke: I feel like I’m missing something.
Kieran: You know why the boss gets tailored trousers right?
Sylus: [deadpan] I’m not tucking anything.
Luke: [screams internally]
Kieran: I’ll get the book.
Luke: What book?
Sylus: [talking at the same time as Kieran] The Hobbit. Uncut.
Kieran: [talking at the same time as Sylus] My fanfic archive. Annotated.
Kieran: [stares at Sylus] Wait… is that canon now?
Luke: What, The Hobbit ?
Kieran: No… both.
Sylus: It is for you.
Kieran: … So... that concludes Sylus' Thirst Tweets.
Luke: [blinking slowly] I…I need a minute. I'm overheating.
Kieran: That's not heat, bro, that's fight-or-flight. Your body's trying to escape.
Luke: From what?! The truth?!
Sylus: [leans back, slow exhale] You smell like fear.
Luke: [panics] What do you mean smell like…
Kieran: Oh my god. He's tracking us.
Sylus: [dry] I warned you. You opened the cage.
Kieran: Oh god… he's right. We poked the bear.
Luke: No, we invited the dragon to speak. And now he's out here dragging his scaly balls across the internet.
Sylus: [sips water] Marking territory.
Kieran: I feel like we've dropped a level on the food chain.
Luke: We're not hosts anymore. We're meat.
Kieran: [panicking] Is this how gazelles feel?!
Sylus: [stretching] I am carnivorous.
Kieran: Nice to meet you carnivorous. I’m feral… and hard!
Luke: I don't want to be on the food chain anymore! I want to be… I want to be… moss. Something no one can fuck.
Kieran: That's not how Sylus works. If it breathes, it thirsts.
Luke: [fully spiraling] We're just mammals. The fandom's mammals. Everyone's fucking mammals!
Kieran: [singing The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang] “You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals…”
Luke: [dead inside] Stop.
Kieran: [stood on his chair dancing] …“So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel…”
Sylus: [flat] You're tone deaf.
Kieran: “Love. The kind you clean up with a mop and bucket!”
Sylus: [pulls out one more Thirst Tweet] Wait… This bucket isn't empty.
Luke: Don’t… please. Have mercy.
💬 BONUS TWEET:
“you ever hear sylus say 'do you like it?' and suddenly you’re cum-ghosting out of your own body? no? just me?”
Kieran: No… because actually... same.
Luke: Being ghosted by your own orgasm is insane.
Sylus: If I say it like that, I mean it.
Luke: I need to leave.
Kieran: You can't. The ghost took your shoes.
Luke: [addressing readers] Hi. I'd like to formally apologise to the fandom for thinking we could survive this.
Kieran: It's been real. Real long.
Mephi: CAW
Luke: What does that mean?! Was that the kill signal?!
Kieran: [still buzzing] Okay. That was it, right? That was the last one? We survived?
Sylus: [scrolling his phone] … There's one more.
Luke and Kieran together: WHAT THE FUCK?!
💬 BONUS TWEET:
“i want sylus to fuck me so hard my soul high-fives mephi on the way out.”
Kieran: [drops mic] I just burst an emotional blood vessel.
Luke: [whimpering] Not Mephi…
Mephi: [distressed] caw
Kieran: That bird didn't ask to be involved.
Sylus: [laughing] He watched.
Luke: [on his knees on the floor, head in his hands] You're all going to hell.
Kieran: I'm driving the bus.
Luke: [begging the ceiling] I don’t want to play anymore.
Kieran: [looking at Sylus] We need to shut this down before someone (Luke) turns into spiritual roadkill.
Luke: [hollow] I was someone once.
Sylus: [stands] You did well.
Luke: I'm not even hard anymore…
Kieran: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT OUT LOUD?! I WOULD. BUT YOU WOULDN’T. SYLUS, DO SOMETHING?!
Mephi: [low mechanical screech] CAW... CAW…
Kieran: No. No, no, no… don't send the bird… Bossman™️, wait!
Luke: [backing away muttering] I need a young priest and an old priest.
Sylus: [to Mephi] Be nice. We still need him for content.
[Mephi swoops]
Luke: [running away screaming]
Mephi: CAW!
Kieran: [watching him get dragged out by Mephi] I told you. I told you the tweets weren't safe.
Luke: [being dragged out to the car by Mephi] YOU DIDN’T TELL ME SHIT, KIERAN!
Sylus: [puts his phone away and grabs his car keys] I'll save the rest for next time.
Kieran: [follows Sylus] There's going to be a next time?!
Sylus: There's always a next time.
Hosted by ©Sylusslittlekitten - All rights reserved
Crack Post Masterlist here
Thirst Tweet Masterlist here
@snekatiemainy I don’t think he’d like it.
the idea that Joaquín and Peter were born in the same year or close to amuses me to no end after seeing Danny and Tom are only a few years apart. as of writing this, we don't know Joaquin's birthday, just that he didn't Blip.
the absolute minimum age he could've been in TFATWS is 21 (if he enlisted at 17, and adding a mean average of 4 years to reach lieutenant rank), which is two years younger than Peter would've been by then had he not Blipped. I don't think Joaquín was that young, probably more 23 range? he struck me as early 20s
Joaquín calls Peter "kid" ONE TIME because he's always getting called that, so it's nice to use it on someone else, and from deep in Peter's soul comes "FUCK OFF BIRD BOY WE'RE THE SAME AGE"
Alright, people we need your consenous on an urgent matter :
Who will win in a fistfight?
Kal aka me
Lancey aka @h0bgoblin-meat