#crying through words

[br1sw]

SO MUCH GOING ON AND I LOVE IT

[creatingnikki]

1. I am a crybaby and I don’t fucking care 2. When someone sees me cry why is their immediate reflex to offer me tissues? I don't want to wipe away my tears. I won't to let them flow. They evaporate on their own. And once I am done I can look myself in the mirror and know - it all disappears if you let it go. 3. When I say ’go away’, I mean it. Sometimes the best comfort you can offer to someone crying is to leave them alone. They are upset/angry/hurt. Lets not add embarrassment to that list too. 4. Sometimes I don’t know why I am crying. And sometimes I don’t want to talk about it either. If I am letting it go, so should you. 5. If I am crying in a public place, don’t be embarrassed for me. Don’t say what I already know - people are staring and we are right in middle of the classroom. I know and I clearly don’t care. 6. There are so many triggers. A quote, a single word, a memory that should have been forgotten by now. When tears appear, when the trigger hits, it doesn’t show that I am weak, it shows that I am strong enough to live. 7. Don’t tell me to ‘stop crying’. That’s like the worst thing you can do. After saying ‘calm down’. It took me a long time to realize there is nothing wrong with tears. Don’t ask me to suppress my emotions. I won’t, no matter how many times you repeat the same frustrating thing. 8. You can leave. You really are not obligated to stay there and comfort me. 9.But if you choose to stay, you must chuck your idea of comfort out the window if it doesn’t match mine. Because in the end it is all about trying to make me feel better in that moment, right? 10. Do NOT start with advice. Not unless asked. 11. Most times a joke works. It can be the silliest one. Not because I want laughter to cancel out the tears but because it is good to be reminded of yin yang. 12. Don’t start telling me about your problems or why your life sucks. Not when my cheeks are still wet and there is more to come. Listening about how bad your life is will NOT make me feel any better. Just worse. 13. I can call myself a crybaby but you cannot. Because when I say it, I know exactly what I mean by it. When you say it, I am not too sure but have a fair idea of how much you pity me and how sometimes you see me as pathetic. 14. Don’t hug me. Don’t touch me. The hugs while crying look comforting only in the movies. When I am crying I feel like everything is closing up on me. It gets harder to breathe or even see. I just want space. 15. If I ask you to stay and you do, I want your company not your words. I have heard her breathe for an hour straight when she cried on call and all I did was let her. That day in 8th grade I realized there are times when words are not needed at all. 16. I will throw up. I will feel hungry soon. I will say things I don’t mean. Don’t make it a big deal. Crying comes easy to me but most times smiling does too.

Things I want you to know as a Crybaby 

[creatingnikki]

If I didn’t write, I’d have to find another way of crying, another way of bleeding; it would be messier and it wouldn’t be half as satisfying.