The distance between the two of you was thin, like a single strand of hair ready to snap, leaving little room for you to think.
Heavy breaths fan one another, as your eyes drink him in, taking in the curve of his pink lips, each blink of his pretty eyes, counting every freckle and imperfection against his handsome face.
Your body twitches, soul aching to touch him for even a fleeting moment, fingers itching to cross an impossible boundary for a mere feather-light touch.
Rationality has long left your mind—consequences be damned. And yet, you were living in a reality where a single moment—a single touch or taste—was deemed lethal.
Every fibre of your being screams, goosebumps igniting across your arms as you resist the urge to reach out to him, to trace his sweet lips with your fingers, to play with the pink strands of his hair, before pulling him into a bruising kiss.
He was a siren, and you were a captain lost at sea.
You would always be close. But never truly there.
After all, he was an angel, and a devil—everything but human.
a/n: reader stronger than me bc I would have given up every single min and hour of my life just for a fleeting touch yolo.. also ty to angel devil for bringing me out of my hiatus, I saw the csm movie recently and I just HAD to write for him, trust that he WILL be apperaring more on my page because the world needs more angel devil x reader fics :/ also divider creds to @/cursed-carmine
A/N: Hoping I don’t piss people off with this one. Comments are appreciated <33
CW: SFW, Angst, No Comfort, Major Character Death, Grief, A little twisted sorry, Gender Neutral Reader
W/C: 886
Credit to cafekitsune for the banner
“I hate you.”
The words feel bitter on your tongue because they’re wrong. Wind nips at your nose as you bury your face in the collar of your coat. It fans out around you while you sit on the ground, cold seeping in from beneath you. It’s the dead of winter and there isn’t a soul in sight. You’re glad for that. You probably couldn't have this conversation otherwise.
Calling it a conversation is a joke. He doesn’t respond to you. He hasn't in awhile.
You clench your jaw, your eyes darting away. You don't want to look at it. Not if you don't have to.
“That was a lie.” You admit it, even though you don't have to. He was always able to tell when you were bluffing. You feel the need to say it out loud if only for your own sake.
“I don't hate you, but…” you murmur, tears pricking your eyes. They burn as they slide down your cheeks, a contrast to the weather surrounding you and the feeling in your gut. “…why did you leave?”
You finally look at what you’ve been avoiding this whole time. A piece of stone sits in front of you, mocking you. Hayakawa Aki. His name. Two dates below it. His birthday and the day he passed.
You feel nauseous at the sight. All you want to do is run away. Run from the sight. Run home. Run until you see him in your kitchen again.
Wishful thinking.
Aki had been working his ass off to find the gun devil for years. It was something you couldn't change about him. Part of you wondered if you wished you could. His love and perseverance was admirable, if not foolish at times. It wasn't foolish to him, so it shouldn't be to you. You held that philosophy for as best as you could for years, even if you wanted to argue. You deserve to live too, Aki. I want you to be safe. You told him those words several times but he always gave you the same response. I have to get my revenge. After that you stopped trying.
Meeting Denji and Power changed him. He started to want more. It was something you could’ve only dreamed of. He smiled more. Enjoyed more.
It wasn't enough.
You still remember the call like it was yesterday. Informal, someone from public safety notifying you of his passing. Telling you to get his things by the end of tomorrow or else they would be gone. Just like him.
At least you had something to bury. The same couldn't be said for the other three graves under the same name surrounding him. He always told you he wanted to be buried with them. The least you could do was follow through with his wishes.
“Denji and Power tried making dinner yesterday.” You sniffle, trying to swallow the lump in your throat but it goes down like tacks- needles puncturing your insides as you picture Aki at the dinner table. “It turned out as well as you could’ve guessed.” You wait for a response. Nothing.
You fumble around in your bag, locating three things. “I meant to bring you this.” You drag out a pack of cigarettes, plucking out a stick and using his old lighter to burn the end. Would he have even wanted it? You feel stupid. “I know you meant to stop, but I think it’s okay just this time.” You set the cigarette on the concrete below his name, watching the smoke fill the air before disappearing.
Your fingers tap the third thing. A plastic box that you open, a slice of cake with a single candle on top. Blood fills your mouth as you bite your tongue. He offhandedly mentioned this flavor was his favorite.
Setting it down beside the cigarette you flick the lighter on again, watching as the flame catches the wick of the candle, lighting it up instantly.
Should you sing?
There’s cement in your lungs.
Do you wish him a happy birthday?
Nothing about this is happy.
“Aki, I…”
A sob wracks your throat and you drop the lighter before covering your face, not wanting to accidentally snub out his candle. You cry and you cry. It's too hard to stop. This was supposed to be a good day. You wanted to come and spend it with him. Talk about all your favorite memories with him. Reminisce on his past birthdays. Leave his present that you bought months before he passed.
“Why did you go?! Why didn’t you quit sooner?!” It's easier to be angry than to feel the pain simmering in your blood right now. It wasn't his fault. It never was.
You cry until nothing else comes out. The flame is small on his candle still, just at the edge of burning itself out. The cigarette reminds you of the smell you used to greet after he worked long nights.
You can’t stay here forever even though you want to.
Taking a deep breath you wipe your eyes and lean over, debating on whether or not you should blow out the candle. No, on second thought you’re going to leave it.
You just hoped the groundskeeper would leave it until you visit again.
“Happy birthday Aki,” your voice cracks. “I miss you.”
Tag List: @mikisspeak, @dinolvrrr, @sakui1, @reiluvr, @gothiccwhore666, @bunviixo, @slutshamethesquirrels, @succubussdreams
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plot: You're a young woman who joins the Public Safety Devil Hunters after surviving an accident with your brother, but something is off about you. You're too nonchalant and easy-going to be an average devil contractor—with only one contract?
Aki doesn't buy it, but he doesn't really care as long as you're on his side.
⭑.ᐟ previously on...
2 months earlier
You wake up in a strange room. It smells sterile, and the walls are all white. The bed you're lying on is stiff, and you can feel the air conditioning through the thin sheet covering you. There's one other person in the room with you, standing and waiting as you regain your senses.
"Where am I?" You whisper hoarsely. Nothing hurts, but there's a hollow feeling in your chest akin to dread. You're not sure why you feel that way.
"You're in the hospital. You survived a devil attack last night." The man's voice is aloof, lacking an ounce of kindness. Straight to the point. "You're incredibly lucky."
"Lucky?" You echo, dryly. The events of the night before come back to you slowly, in flashes like photographs. "Was my brother lucky?" You can see your brother's expression of despair vividly, but you can't see how it ended. How you ended up in the hospital. "Where is he?"
"I'm not here to answer any of your questions, little lady." The man answers, pulling a flask out of his coat. You can see his uniform underneath—the pressed white button-up and black tie. He's a Public Safety Devil Hunter. "I've been doing this job for a long time. Pretty rare to see a civilian devil hunter walk away from a scene like last night."
"Are you telling me I killed it?" The man hums as he takes a swig. It makes you laugh softly. "You just said you wouldn't answer my questions."
He ignores you. "Have you ever killed a devil before last night?"
"Isn't it your job to keep track?" You turn your head away. The dread seeps from your chest into your limbs. Why won't it go away? "Where's my brother?"
"You've got a smart mouth," the man says. "Not smart enough to know when you're in shit, though."
"Smart enough to get me out of it."
"Not this time."
Not this time. You repeat his statement in your head. It only makes you feel worse.
"What do you want from me? Either say what you came to say or get the fuck out."
Your name rolls of his tongue like something familiar. "You're a recent graduate from Kokusai high school. You got decent grades and were fairly popular among your peers."
"Pretty sure popularity isn't a priority in your line of work." Your mocking tone is weak, and he doesn't take the bait.
"You had a lot going for you, much as I can say, but you didn't take any exams afterwards."
You grit your teeth with as much strength as you can muster. It's his turn to needle at you.
"No jobs lined up either…Your mom died from natural causes when you were young, and your dad's still drinking his weight in grief. "
"Are you getting to the point?"
"Why did surveillance catch you sneaking around that building a three days ago?"
Your first reaction is surprise, then remorse. You stare at him with half-lidded eyes, wallowing in the deep-sated despair that's taken over your body. "I should know the name of the asshole who performed such a thorough background check," you mutter. "If you want me to answer any of your questions."
"You can call me Kishibe."
"I think I'll stick to 'asshole'," you tell him. "Suits you better."
"What were you doing in that building last night? Did anyone tell you about that building?"
"No." Lie.
"Did you know the car devil would be there?"
"No." Lie.
"Are you lying to me?" Yes.
"Where's my brother?"
He ignores you and slowly repeats himself. "What were you doing in that building?"
You turn away, looking out the window.
"The sun is up," you say instead. It's bright outside, your room overlooking the busy urbanscape. It's a beautiful day.
If everything had gone to plan, you might not have seen it.
Present Day (one week after meeting Aki)
"Another slow day," Himeno groans as she stretches her arm over her head. "I swear, ever since you've been added on, we haven't had any incidents. You must be our lucky charm or something."
She throws her arm over your shoulders, leaning in close despite the gap between your seats. Aki remains quiet as he eats across the table. He doesn't look up from his bowl.
"Kind of a drag, though. I was hoping we could see your skills sooner than later."
"They're nothing special," you concede to her, leaning out of her restraint and propping your elbow on the table. "It's funny, actually, my brother said something similar this morning. I used to think devil attacks were few and far between."
As you say this, Aki glances up for the first time since the three of you sat down.
"Just because we haven't seen them, doesn't mean they aren't lurking around," Himeno explains, her cheerfulness tampered down. "With the strong ones, we're usually only able to track them down by the trail of bodies they leave behind."
That…makes sense. You only meant to make idle conversation, but now, the atmosphere is heavy.
"Never thought about it like that," you murmur awkwardly. "Sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Himeno laughs off, flapping her hand at you. "You're still learning. That's what Aki and I are here for."
Wordlessly, you look at Aki. His hair is tied up the same way it was when you met him. You met Himeno the next day—she invited you to a team dinner to welcome you aboard.
You haven't exchanged many words with him ever since Himeno introduced herself. He answers your questions simply with 'yes' or 'no', but never anything longer. Anything longer, and he tells you to ask Himeno.
When you ask him why, his answer is always—
"She's been at this longer than me."
It annoyed you whenever he wrote you off. Like, he got all he needed from that first conversation, and now—
He's been talking about you. Or looking through your file. Either way, he's gained information on you, and you don't know enough about him. It isn't in your nature to ask though.
"What do you guys say to drinks after this?" Himeno suggests, leaning back in her chair.
"I can't imagine sourpuss is any more fun to be around with alcohol in him." You jilt your head in Aki's direction, purposely poking for a reaction.
"Oh, Aki loosens up quite a bit after a glass. He's a lightweight," Himeno teases, joining in your amusement. The butt of the joke is less happy about it.
"You're one to talk, Himeno. Try keeping your hands to yourself before you accuse me of being a lightweight." You stifle a laugh in surprise at Aki's retort.
"Himeno," you jeer in disappointment. "I can't go out for drinks with a pervert."
Himeno's face drops, and you see an echo of your brother as she tries to defend herself.
You release your laugh and smile at her. "I'm just messing with you. I think I'll call it a night though. My brother is waiting for me at home."
"Just call him."
Aki's voice tears through the restaurant patronage, and you turn to him. You notice recognition flash in his eyes, and you wonder what expression you made.
"Does that mean you're down, Aki?" Himeno completely misses your exchange, and you realize your heart is racing. You need to relax. "Yeah, call whoever you need to call, and let them know. You're getting familiar with your co-workers tonight."
You groan pettishly, turning away. "Why do you have to say it like that? You seriously sound like a perv."
"What did I say?!" You want to laugh at how irritated she sounds, but the looming invitation weighs in your mind.
Aki hasn't stopped staring at you, he's waiting for your answer when you don't know yourself.
You scratch the back of your neck.
"Quit it. You're making me uncomfortable."
"You should get along with other divisions for your future benefit. There may be situations where you need to rely on them."
What a logical answer, you think skeptically. Truthfully, you don't have the faintest interest in knowing your colleagues. All you need to know is how to kill devils with them.
But you can't exactly say that.
They're both watching you, expecting an answer now. You let your head hang as you turn to Himeno.
"Let me have a cigarette while I make a call."
She cheers, promising to join you when you finish.
"That concludes my report." Aki looked forward to briefings in Makima's office at the end of his shifts. Since he worked until sundown, the sunset made for a beautiful view.
"Is there anything else you'd like to add? How do you think your new partner is doing?" Makima's voice is especially lovely at the end of a draining day, Aki thinks before recollecting his patrol with you.
"She's attentive during patrol, but there haven't been any attacks, so it's hard to say. She seems full of herself, but she's not necessarily loud about it."
"Strong dogs don't tend to bark," Makima answers with a smile. It only confuses him.
"You think she's strong?"
Makima looks away, so he can't see her expression as she tells him—
"I certainly think she's capable."
Aki doesn't say anything as he absorbs her words. He remembers something though.
"She mentioned she saved her brother, and spoke of him like he were still alive," he tells Makima. "But, I'm fairly certain her brother was killed in the Car Devil incident."
Aki decides to sit across from you at the table. He realizes the seat that usually went to Himeno has recently been occupied by you, but he quickly waves the thought away.
The three of you are on your second drink at this late point of the evening, while the others have several more empty glasses cluttered in front of them.
Aki can feel the flush in his cheeks, but he can still witness Himeno getting more touchy on the other side of the table with a clear conscience.
You're beside Himeno, visibly leaning away to avoid her attention. Aki takes another sip of his drink.
Your drink is finished, and your face is flushed the same as his. Your eyes are clear though. Clear and bright, probably from the alcohol.
Aki was instigating earlier, at the end of your meal. He wanted to see how you would react to mentioning your brother. And he knows he's an piece of shit for that. You're likely grieving your dead brother, and he's kicking the grave.
But aside from the brief, wide-eyed panic he caught—in the end, you didn't clarify who you went to call outside. He couldn't even know if you had pulled your phone out at all.
He has a lingering suspicion towards you, but after such a quiet week and the alcohol in his system, he's starting to chalk it up to paranoia. He even mulls over Makima's words.
If Makima is confident in your skill, then maybe he can recruit you for his endgame. You don't seem too attached to living with your demeanor, but you are tethered to the memory of your brother.
Maybe he can use that.
"You're making me uncomfortable, sourpuss."
Aki's vision focuses again, and you're eyeing him down. A new drink sits between your hands.
He clears his throat, grateful his face is already pink.
"Himeno was right. You are a lightweight," you mock, smiling. "Didn't you realize you were staring?"
Aki wants to move on from that. "It's just my complexion. I'm fine."
"Your eyes are glassy."
"I can say the same for you."
"I'm not the one on trial."
"I'm not drunk," he clarifies, taking another sip of his second drink. You take one of your third with a grin dancing on your lips.
Your attention moves back onto Himeno, who has now attached herself to one of the red-faced officers that were at the table when the three of you arrived.
Aki is compelled at this moment to speak to you. He sees an opportunity where Himeno is distracted and you're loosened up. Whether to silence his doubts or submit to his impulses, he calls your name.
"What?"
"I need to ask you something. Please forgive me if this is rude."
You react animatedly, halfway done with your drink. You're clearly struck with surprise at Aki's preemptive apology.
"Alright."
"Your brother…he's dead, isn't he?"
Your eyes widen slightly, a clear indication that you weren't expecting him to ask that. You lower your gaze, and Aki hears you laugh lowly as you rake your fingers through your hair. Your hair is still tied back from patrol, so a few strays fall out in front of your face. You brush them back.
"Yours too, right?" You reply, and something in Aki's chest swells. He leans towards rage. You hold a finger up before venom snaps out of his mouth. "Hold that thought, Hayakawa. You poked first."
You lean over the table, propping your head up against your palm. The amusement in your eyes have disappeared, and so is your smile. Aki thinks you look irritated, much like how he feels, but he acknowledges you're right. He brought up dead brothers first.
But how did you know about Taiyo? His eyes trail onto Himeno, who's about to drop her head in a plate of chicken bones.
Suspect number One.
"Why do you ask?" You're looking at him behind your drink.
"I read the report on the Car Devil incident. The way you speak of your brother, it confused me."
You nod as you finish your drink.
"If it bothers you so much, I won't bring him up again." You speak calmly as you place your empty glass on the table and rise from you seat. Aki feels compelled to stand with you.
"I never said it bothers me."
"It's confusing though, isn't it? He's dead," You say firmly and quietly, even though you'll draw attention from the others by just standing next to the table. Your face is still flushed, but the shine in your eyes has faded. "Thank you for inviting me along tonight."
You sound sincere, maybe a little sullen. Aki can't tell. He's surprised you're not storming out.
"I'll get going first. Make sure Himeno gets home safe."
You bow your head and turn to leave. Rubbing his jaw, Aki doesn't stop you. He waits until you're out the door before he takes another sip.
The walk is quiet on your way home. The evening air is chilly, but your jacket keeps you comfortable. The conversation between you and Aki lingers in your mind.
You idly stroll with a cigarette hanging between your fingers. You hang your head back, trying to find the stars behind the streetlights. By the time you're outside your home, your cigarette is dead and you're starless.
Stepping inside, the interior is dark and cold. You flick your shoes off in the doorway and pull your hair loose as you venture blind towards the bathroom.
You regret not going to the bathroom before you left the dinner. While you enjoyed your walk home, the three drinks you had were threatening to break the seal well before you pulled your pants down.
Finishing that up, you backtrack to the kitchen for another drink.
The room glows softly from the fridge once you pull it open. There's two drinks left, and you grab the one on the right. You keep the door propped open as you pop it open and chug it back.
The overhead light flashes on, and your drink slips down the wrong pipe. You're choking on your drink as your head swivels around.
Your brother stands by the switch. His hands are on his waist, and he's in his pajamas.
"Oh, hey," you cough.
"Hey?" He echoes, and you recognize the lines between his brows as they squeeze together. "Do you realize what time it is?"
"In my defense, I thought I was being quiet," you try to placate, taking another swig.
"I didn't go to bed, I was waiting for you to get home," he says quickly before throwing his arms up in exasperation. "And you're still drinking. You know, you reek of cigarettes too?"
"Yeah, I know. Sorry," you say easily, looking off at the sink while twirling your beverage.
Your brother sucks in a breath. He's about to scold you even more, but he stops. Instead, he responds differently than you remember, and sighs quietly.
"What happened?"
You scoff, smiling sardonically behind the last of your drink. The memory of Aki's audacious question stirs something hollow in your chest.
"Nothing I wasn't already expecting."
"You can't tell me?" His arms are crossed over his chest as you look at him. Leaning against the counter, crushing your empty drink in your hands, you shrug.
"I'd rather hear about your day."
"It's the middle of the night. I have work tomorrow," your brother responds, and you imagine him scratching the back of his head and heading back to his room. That being thought of, he stays planted firmly in the kitchen.
"My boss was already being an ass to me. If I show up late to work, he'll have my neck."
"We'll set a bunch of alarms and turn the volume all the way up," you suggest, nudging your head in direction of his usual seat on the other side of the counter. "We have instant coffee too, it'll help you wake up faster."
He releases a groan before collapsing in his chair.
"There was so much bullshit in the office today," he tells you, and you listen as he explains his day. You've heard this one a few times now, but it's the first time for your brother.
"Why would that bitch say that? During a meeting too?" You participate in the conversation, languidly falling into the show. Your brother, no longer tired, rises from his seat and—
Sh.
It goes quiet. Your brother still moves his mouth, as if he were talking. Still moves his body as if it were real.
"No," you deny, gripping the edge of the counter, but your fingers are growing numb. Your body feels weightless. "It was too short."
"You need to wake up." Aki.
And his gratingly arrogant tone.
You spin your head around, and your coworker is standing in an abyss. You're no longer in your kitchen, and your brother has disappeared.
"Why are you here?" You ask him, scowling, irritated that your time is over.
"You need to wake up."
You blink your eyes open and you're lying in a familiar room. There's shelves on the wall with books you've never read, and a blanket of dust coating the desk in the corner.
You're on your brother's bed, lying on top the covers. Your uniform is still on, minus the jacket, which you notice is folded over the desk chair, and the sun is glowing through the window.
A wave of pain rings in your head, and you groan in frustration. You turn onto your side, clutching at the sheets. They smell like you, but they remind you of when your brother would throw himself on his bed after a hard day.
"This is bullshit," you stubbornly murmur with burning eyes.
"I want to go back to sleep."
𝐛𝐛𝐠 I planned to post this on Monday, but I was eager to get some angst out. I hope this works to keep you invested (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ
⭑.ᐟ coming up next
— please reblog or comment! my inbox is also open ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖
Aki sat across from you on the worn corduroy sofa, his knees tucked up close, almost defensively. The lamplight threw soft shadows across the living room's faded green rug. Shadow, your fluffy grey cat, picked that moment to leap up, landing squarely on Aki's knees. He tensed, but she gave him a slow, approving blink and pushed her head against his hand. Shadow barely tolerated your closest friends, but with Aki she grew gentle. Less aloof and more affectionate. Maybe there was just something about him that animals trusted, the same thing that drew you in.
It hadn't always been like this. When you first met Aki, it had been during a birthday party thrown by a mutual friend in your apartment. He'd drifted toward the edge of every group, quiet enough that you almost missed him until Shadow had curled herself around his legs. After that, it became impossible not to notice him, he appeared wherever you went across campus.
After that you started hanging out. At the café where you wasted afternoons, with his peculiar group of friends. You'd been drawn into their orbit, each of them bizarre in their own way, thrown together. Denji was girl crazy but at some point you noticed he really just wanted a connection with someone that didn’t take advantage of him, he had real bad luck with girls. Then there was Power, who insisted that was her real name and you didn’t question it. You wondered how they had all found each other. What had formed this odd little chosen family.
Soon you and Aki started hanging out alone. At first it was casual, a study session, a shared walk home. Gradually, meals blurred into late-night phone calls and the kind of silences that felt less awkward and more comfortable. The feelings slipped in quietly. You would realize your hands were close enough to touch, that his laugh made your stomach fill with butterflies. When he smiled, really smiled, you couldn’t help but stare. And he was sweet, almost fiercely attentive, the kind of person who remembered how you took your tea and called to make sure you made it home safely. For months, everything bloomed.
Then he started to drift. Calls went unanswered. Plans cancelled. It made you upset because you didn't know if you had done something wrong, or if he just found someone new. The idea hurt, but it was worse not knowing. You weren't even sure what you and Aki were. Friends, not quite lovers, not really anything official. You'd never talked about being exclusive. You told yourself not to hope for more, even as the hope refused to die.
One night, an hour unreasonably late, your house phone rang. Aki. For a moment, you wondered if you were still asleep and dreaming. You picked up. “I'm outside. Can I come in? I need to talk to you.”
So that's where you found yourself, sitting with him in your living room at one in the morning. The city outside was silent, save for the hum of distant traffic, and Shadow sat perched on Aki.
Aki didn't meet your eyes at first. So you spoke. “It's okay if you don't want to see me anymore, Aki.” Your voice cracked on the last word.
He shook his head, you noticed his hair was down. “I'm sorry.” For a moment he said nothing. Just stared down at Shadow, stroking her fur with trembling hands. Your patience was something nearly foreign to him. It gave him space to speak.
He took a shaky breath. "Before you... there was someone else."
You stayed silent ready to listen to whatever he had to say.
He looked up and then away. “Her name was Makima.” He swallowed, voice rough. “We met when I was sixteen. She was twenty-two.”
Your heart ached at the quiet in his voice. You waited.
“She worked at the convenience store near my school. My friends and I went there almost every day. She was always behind the counter, laughing at our stupid jokes, sneaking us free snacks.” He let out a short, nervous chuckle. “At first, she just seemed nice. She started flirting with me. Even after I told her was sixteen. My friends, they thought it was incredible. An older woman was interested in me. They kept saying I'd be an idiot not to go for it.” He looked lost in the memory, his hand stilling on Shadow's back. “So I did. I hid it from my family because I knew what they would say. My friends acted like I'd won some prize. I let their excitement talk me into things.”
His voice faltered. “It lasted years. Makima made me feel like I was special, like I was mature. She kept telling me I didn't need my family. She said I was mature for my age. She'd criticize everything, how I dressed, my friends, the way I spoke. If another girl would talk to me, she'd lose it. But then, after every fight, she'd be so sweet.”
He stared at a spot on the carpet. “I started believing her. I let her isolate me. I stopped seeing my friends. My family thought I was just a typical teen, moody and distant, but really I was scared. I thought if I just became exactly what she wanted, things would get better. But my world just got smaller.”
His voice dropped. “She'd build me up, then tear me down. Sometimes she'd act like everything was my fault. Sometimes she'd act like she was the only one who understood me. I was so confused all the time. I tried to leave, but she'd make me feel guilty for even thinking about it. I thought that's what love was supposed to feel like.”
He looked at you, eyes shiny, not quite crying, not yet. “I've tried to tell people before but they just laughed it off. Told me to man up, that I could've walked away any time. Because I was a boy, and boys don't get hurt like that. Especially not by a woman.” His eyes drifted around the room, he refused to look at you. “I didn’t want to tell my parents.”
You reached out carefully, hands warm on either side of his face as the tears began to fall. He shuddered, looking so small and so tired you wanted to take all that hurt away and stash it somewhere, far from him.
“You don't have to be sorry, Aki,” you said, fighting your own tears. “You did nothing wrong. She was the adult. She knew what she was doing. You were just a kid. And your friends..” you shook your head, unable to finish.
He pressed his shaking hands over yours, holding tight.
“I tried to talk about it before, with someone I trusted, but all I got was ‘it couldn't have been that bad,’ or ‘tell me isn’t that what boys want’.”
You pulled him into a hug, and at first he went rigid, then collapsed against you. The tears came quietly, soaking through your T-shirt.
“I like you so much.” he whispered, voice hoarse. “Sometimes it scares me how much. Being close feels dangerous. Like it could all just vanish.”
You pulled back just enough to meet his watery blue eyes. “It's okay to be scared.” you whispered. “Just don't run. Talk to me, even when it's hard. Especially when you think no one will listen.”
His fingers gripped yours, not loosening. For the first time, something deep in him seemed to uncoil, trust. The sadness didn't vanish, but beneath it hope flickered alive, that maybe, with you, healing was possible. Shadow curled tight between you, purring softly, as if to promise that you were both safe here.
┆ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ - "you and aki have a... complicated relationship. one you both know will end in heartache even if you cant stay away"
ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ ꜱᴛᴀᴛꜱ:
★ Starring: Aki H. x F! Reader
★ Run Time: 2k
★ Genre/Warnings: [Rated R: Adult Film/Drama] angst, smut, fingering (f!receiving), penetrative sex, crying while having sex, emotional sex
★ someone who had found me thru my old ao3 acct requested that i upload my older works so anon this is for you !! that being said absolutely NONE of it is edited/read thru bc reading my writing makes me want to vomit. pls enjoy :p
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“i knew you’d be out here,” you sighed, walking past the sliding door that led to aki’s balcony. there he was sitting, a cigarette sitting pretty on his lips as he looked out at the city. aki takes a drag of it, blowing it out slowly before tapping the end of it over the ashtray.
“how’d you get in here,” he mumbled as he fished in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, routinely handing you one without another thought. you take it, dragging the other chair over next to his before sitting down with him.
“i asked denji to keep the door unlocked before he went to bed,” you answer simply, patting your pockets for a lighter that you don’t seem to have. “can i see your lighter?” aki nodded, quietly pulling his lighter out and handing it to you. mumbling a thanks you fumbled to start the lighter, hand shaking slightly. once you finally get the cigarette to light, you wordlessly hand the lighter back to him, taking a long hit.
“you shouldn’t be here,” aki’s voice was low, steady as he spoke even though the tension between the two of you continued to grow.
“i know,” you said quietly, taking another hit. “codependency is a funny thing isn’t it?” you kept your eyes out on the lights of the city out in front of you, not having enough energy to look aki in the eye.
“y/n what’re you talking about,” through your peripheral, you could see aki looking at you, his eyebrows furrowed. you opted for closing your eyes, tapping your cigarette against the arm of your chair.
“well you’re dependent on these cigarettes aren’t you? you look for these whenever you feel stressed, tired, depressed - basically anything even though you know it’s bad for you,” you tilted your head up, rapidly blinking to keep any tears at bay. “i’m the same way, except it’s not cigarettes i look for.” it was quiet for a moment, a cool breeze drifting by as you tried to figure out how you were supposed to word what you wanted to say next.
“what’s going on,” aki’s voice was unusually soft, a type of gentleness you’ve never received from him before. this caused you to open your eyes, looking at him with a weary smile.
“i’m quitting public safety,” although you tried so hard to keep it in, tears began to silently fall down your cheeks. you saw something change in aki’s expression, although you couldn’t quite put a name to it. “i didn’t come here to try to convince you to quit with me. i know you are too focused on your goal,” your voice was strained as you kept eye contact with him. without too much of a second thought, you took his hand in yours. “i came to tell you that you better not even think of fucking dying,”
using your other hand, you began to wipe the tears that now seemed to be flooding out in a nonstop stream. sobs begin to wrack you body as you curl into yourself. too distracted by the sound of your own sobs, you didnt even register the feeling of aki rubbing circles on your back.
“y/n look at me,” he cupped your face in his hand, tilting your head up to look at him. the sight of his glassy eyes was enough to shock you enough to stop crying. cigarette long forgotten, he moves his other hand to wipe the tears off of both of your cheeks. in this moment aki knew what he was going to do would be incredibly selfish. he knew this would be a horrible idea that would hurt both you and him. but seeing the desperate look in your eyes was enough for him to want to throw it all away. within an instant his lips found yours, kissing you just as desperately as you looked only moments ago.
without wasting another second you kissed him back just as passionately, tangling your fingers in his hair as you squeezed your eyes shut tightly. the kiss was messy, teeth and tongue clashing as the two of you tried to show the other all the feelings you kept buried. aki only broke the kiss when he absolutely needed to take a breath, leaning his forehead against yours as he panted against your lips.
“this is a bad idea,” you murmured with a dry chuckle as you traced his bottom lip with your thumb. “this is a very bad idea,” slightly hurt by your words, despite knowing how true they were, aki was about to pull back. was about to maybe give you one final hug before sending you home. but as soon as you felt the slightest shift in his position you grabbed his arm. “but we already came this far…”
“we don’t have to go any farther,” he spoke softly as his lips moved against yours. he was willing to go as far as you wanted tonight. knowing this would be the last night you would ever see each other.
“i want to.”
you weren’t sure how you ended up in aki’s bed, a blur of bumping into furniture while kissing messily being the only explanation you had. here you were now, under aki as he absolutely worshiped your body. leaving wet kisses over the expanse of your collar bone and neck, he began unbuttoning your shirt. his shirt, along with your jacket were tossed somewhere along the path to his bed.
“aki,” you called softly, carding your hand in his hair to try to pull you away from your neck. he immediately got the message, placing his lips on yours as he finally got your shirt completely off, tossing it who knows where before bringing one hand to grab at your breast.
with neither of you wanting to break the kiss, the both of you struggled to get each others pants off, giggling into the kiss at how much harder you were making this for yourselves. after finally managing to shed off your pants only the thin material of your underwear remained. experimentally, aki pushed his hips down onto yours, pulling a moan out of both of you at the warm feeling og long awaited stimulation.
with a cautious roll of his hips, aki couldn’t help the small whimper that left his lips. burying his head into the crook of your neck, he continued to rut his hips into you, earning moans and whines from the both of you.
“aki- please-,” your voice was filled with a desperation that you were embarrassed to admit you had. covering your eyes with your arm, you bit your lip, trying not to make too much noise as he pressed into your clit. with a shaky hand, he pulls your panties to the side, experimentally swiping ahead along your slit. gripping onto his shoulder tightly with your free hand you tried to keep your hips from bucking up into his touch.
you could feel aki’s ragged breath fan against your neck as he slowly pushed one finger inside, cursing against your hot skin when he felt your fluttering hole clench around him. it didn’t take long for you to start begging for more. which he happily obliged, pushing two fingers in and curling his fingers upward and into the spongy spot inside of you. when you felt his thumb brush roughly against your clit you let out a small mewl, thighs trembling softly as the pleasure continued to build up.
growing impatient, you snake your hand between your bodies and cup his erection, squeezing softly. you turn your head just a bit to whisper in his ear.
“i want you aki,” your breathless voice seemed to bring aki back to earth, causing him to lift his head to look at you. there was a certain pain in his eyes that you knew both of you would be feeling for the foreseeable future.
“yeah?” he asked softly, his tongue swiping over his bottom lip as you nod your head. “okay- okay needa grab a condo-” you grab onto his arm as he reaches toward his nightstand drawer, shaking your head timidly. “y/n that’s a bad idea,” his voice was soft, as he hovered over you.
“you can use one if you want,” you squeeze his arm weakly, trying to offer a comforting smile. “im just saying we don’t have to… i trust you aki,” the shadows on your face from the city lights being filtered by his blinds made your features look so much softer. he took a moment to take in your face, trying so hard to commit every little detail to memory.
he exhaled shakily, placing a chaste kiss on your lips before pulling away, taking off his briefs before sliding himself back between his legs. you sit up, leaning against your elbows as you take in the sight of his hair cascading around his head, covering his face completely as he kept his head down.
he shifted closer to you until the backs of your thighs rested snuggly against the top of his. raising his head, he studied your expression before his eyes trekked down your body, all the way down to where the two of you would soon be connected.
“ let me know if you need me to stop,” he mumbled as he held onto your thigh, other hand languidly jerking himself off a couple times before running it between your folds. “oh fuck,” slowly, he began to slowly push himself inside you.
you whimpered out his name, head thrown back as you felt him shift over you, leaning over slightly to place his lips on yours. you were tight around him, walls clenching as he pressed into you. gripping onto the sheets under you, you sat up, leaning back on your hands as your mouth chased his. he placed a hand against the nape of your neck with a sort of tenderness you knew would be the first and last time feeling it. he placed his other hand on the small of your back , shifting your position until you were straddling his lap, chests pressed together as he bottomed out inside of you.
you wrap your arms around his shoulders, burying your face into his neck as you tentatively lift your hips before dropping back down. your movement elicited moans from both of you as aki moved his hands to your hips.
smothering kisses all along aki’s neck, you began to move your hips with his help, soft pants and whines leaving both of you as the muted sound of skin slapping clouded the room. no words were spoken for a while, too scared to verbalize feelings and wishes that could never be fulfilled.
aki brought his hand down to your lower abdomen, using his thumb to rub at your clit as he continued to help you fuck yourself on his dick. you clawed at his shoulder blades, a string of whines and calls for his name falling on all too eager ears as your thighs started to tremble.
“ gonna cum aki,” you felt tears well in your eyes for a multitude of reasons. the three word phrase was on the tip of your tongue and you so desperately wanted to say it. he swore under his breath at the feeling of you clenching around him so hard.
“go ahead yn, let- let go,” his voice was strained, almost sounding painful as he exercised all restraint to not cum inside you when he felt you cum around him with a high pitched whine. he didn’t last long, quickly lifting you off of his dick, and jerking himself off until he came all over your stomach.
your legs ached as you continued to sit on his lap, heads resting against each other as you both came down. when reality began to sit in you felt the tears pooling in your eyes again.
“aki i-”
“don’t,” his voice definitely sounded very pained now, his hands balled into fists on your thighs.
“i’m sorry,”
“y/n please don’t-” you quickly cupped his face in your hands, tilting his head to make eye contact with you. through the light sneaking in the otherwise dark room, you could see the tears slowly falling down his cheeks.
“i’m sorry,” your voice cracked as you tried to blink the tears away. “aki i love you.”
i hope you enjoyed !! reblogs/comments are very appreciated <3
ʟᴏʙʙʏ ﹕ꜰɪʟᴍᴏɢʀᴀᴘʜʏ
𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃
that moment you opened the door and saw him standing there, his back hunched and a horrible posture that made your own back hurt. it was a silent moment between you two, at first you couldn’t tell who it was until you saw the ring on the tie. he stood there, saying nothing, just breathing heavily. your eyes meet the end of a wide pistol, which caused you to squeal a little. he looked so pale, so…miserable.
“aki what happened to you?” you finally asked hoping to get an answer, but he just stood there. not a single word from him.
he took a step forward, which made you fall back onto the ground. you were frozen
with fear as he bent down, leaning over you. his lips uttered a word, but you couldn’t catch what he said, more like you couldn’t hear what he said.
“( name )....sorry….” he muttered softly. your eyes were looking down at the ground, you were trembling, you were too scared to look him in the eyes, this was not the aki you knew. the aki you loved. aki used his hand to lift your chin up. you were looking at each other. eye to eye. tears were on his face, there was still some of him left in there.
you can hear the rifle cock. you started backing away, fumbling to get up. was he gonna shoot you? you didn’t want to die yet. you were finally able to get on your feet, but your legs were shaking violently, too scared to even lift a toenail because you thought he gonna shoot if you tried to escape but that wasn’t the case at all.
he moved closer towards you. you two were inches apart, face to face with the wide pistol on his head, you think this is finally the end, but that wasn’t it at all. the gun sticking out of his forehead has to make aki tilt his head at a different angle as he locked lips with you. his chappy lips against your soft ones left you wide eyed. maybe aki was still there, hopefully.
“love…you…” he said as the rifle was against your heart. it was beating rapidly, the kiss was absorbing as he steals the air from your lungs. he finally pulls back from the kiss. “sorry…” you were confused. why does he keep apologizing? "so...very sorry..." the last thing you heard was a loud gunshot as your vision suddenly went blurry. you finally knew why.
contains / warnings: maybe a bit suggestive?? kisses! :3
authors note: i had this on my mind and wrote it down so i wouldn't forget it 😭
— now playing . . . she's mine pt.2 by j. cole ( yes, ik this song is about a baby🙄 )
. posted on ... 11 / 24 / 2023
aki couldn't stop thinking about you since he first saw you at the devil hunting agency. you were new; but fearless when it came to fighting, something that made him even more interested in you.
as discrete as he tried to keep his feelings when it came to you, his heart would always flutter when you touched his shoulder; it was such a small habit you carried since meeting him. to tell the truth, as much as aki voiced the fact that he hated physical contact, he couldn't be far from the truth.
aki would lie awake in bed, thinking about your face. god, you were so beautiful to him, just hearing your sweet voice would cause him to melt. he'd wake up in a sweat and curse himself for all the erotic dreams he would have about you-
no...he can't feel this way about anyone. he can't bear to see you cry about him and the stupid things he does that'll get him killed one day.
you'd always fuss at him about smoking.
"y'know, those things cause serious health problems."
"i know."
"so why do you smoke?"
aki smoked to take the pain away. his addiction started a couple years after the death of his family and got worse and worse after himeno's death. he'd drink occasionally, but the strong sent of nicotine entering his lungs easily beat a next day hangover.
one thing aki realized after you two got close, was his smoking habits grew less. just being around you kept him calmer than a death stick could.
the first time you asked to come over to his house he panicked, but of course said yes in a heartbeat. he kicked denji and power out, telling them to 'go to the park, and don't do anything stupid!', so they wouldn't ruin anything else in the house.
when he opened his front door, he saw you with that same warm smile you always had around the agency. no matter how hard things got, you kept that smile.
as you walked into his house, marveling at his small cozy apartment, his eyes mindlessly fell to your ass. that damn skirt you wore...he could kill himself for thinking whatever he was thinking.
aki was a pretty calm guy, but the calm facade died down and ran away when you sat next to him; your leg brushed over his, causing his breath to get caught in his throat.
"you seem nervous hayakawa, what's the matter?"
he didn't answer but kept his eyes fixated on you.
"akiiii" you teased, cupping his face with your soft hands. you noticed a spark in his eyes when you called him by his first name. his eyes met yours and made their way down to your lips.
a soft red tint coated his face, oh how he wanted to kiss you. he'd been waiting for this moment for months; months of avoiding you so he'd forget his feelings towards you, months of sleepless nights because his mind would be clouded with thoughts of you, months of pushing his feelings to the side because he was scared to fall in love.
he couldn't do this.
so he didn't, instead mumbling an incoherent e-excuseme- before running into the nearest bathroom.
was he just a lovesick looser who couldn't dare tell the love of his life how he felt?
