Trans Clone Week 2023 Day 1: Cadets / Gender Affirming Technology / Snuggling
“Something’s bothering you,” Fury says as he sits down next to xei.
Well, one thing xe can always count on. Xeim brother will find ways to show up when he’s not particularly wanted, and will get right to the middle of things without any concern for whether xe wants to talk about it.
For some reason, Whisper doesn’t mind as much as xe should. There’s no question that there’s some days where xe wants to punch him just so he shuts up for five kriffing minutes, but he’s not weird about it, at times like this. If xe told him to kark off, then off he would kark.
It’s maybe the only reason that xe doesn’t actually say that.
Instead Whisper lays back, flat on the roof of the hangar, watching the clouds above them. One of the rare breaks in Kaminoan rain, and xe wanted to be alone. Or at least that was what xe thought until he showed up.
Xe raises a hand, and he takes it, his fingers lacing with xeims as he rests his head in his other hand. He won’t stay quiet for long. Xe can wait until he breaks the silence. Should only be a few seconds before–
“Do you not wanna talk about it?”
Sometimes his impetuous nature is amusing. Sometimes it helps make conversations happen.
“I don’t know what to say,” xe admits.
“Racer just says whatever comes to mind and that’s working out fine for her.”
“She drives Blue crazy.”
“We all drive Blue crazy.”
“That’s true.”
Whoever was in charge of assigning squads must not have been too good at their job. Blue is constantly begging them to behave for just five minutes and they’re all pretty consistent in ignoring him.
Whisper doesn’t think xe’s that bad, but there is apparently quite a bit that xe does, that he doesn’t think is particularly appropriate social behaviour. The biting thing has been an argument since they were tubies. Xe wonders if he’s only still trying to rein xei in out of habit. Surely he can’t expect xei to change now.
People have surprised xei before, though, so xe generally doesn’t say anything to that effect. It seems to be some kind of challenge to them. Say that can’t be what you want and suddenly it’s all they can think about. Ridiculous.
“Sooo…” Fury prompts.
Whisper sighs, and looks over at him finally.
“I’m different. Like Racer. But not.”
“What, like girl-different?”
“But not,” xe repeats, and looks back at the clouds. They’re slowly separating from each other, bedraggled wisps scratching across the sky. That’s how xe feels right now. Slowly being torn apart.
How am I supposed to figure out who I am?
“That’s cool.”
But he lets go of xeim hand, which doesn’t seem to be all that ‘cool’. Not until he shuffles down to lay next to xei, their sides pressed together from shoulder to hip. He likes touching people. Doesn’t have to be his batchmates, it’s anyone who can put up with his incessant talking and wiggling around.
Usually, Whisper finds it annoy. Right now, it’s kind of okay. Xe hadn’t realised, until he came up, that xe didn’t want to be alone. Since the incident with the fight club, xe hasn’t been very good at being around them. Hasn’t been very good at being xeiself.
Maybe it was just because xe didn’t know what xe was supposed to be.
“If I’m not like you,” xe says, “and I’m not like Racer. That doesn’t leave a lot of options.” Xe frowns. “Does it?”
Fury just makes an I-don’t-know sort of noise, which he seems to be rather fond of doing.
People thinks he’s stupid, but he’s not. Whisper knows that more than anyone. He’s the smartest one of their squad, and probably a bunch of other squads, too. They can be competitive, batchmates. Among themselves, and with other cadets. When it comes to tech, nobody can match him, as far as xe knows.
The sun breaks through the clouds, and xe grumbles to xeiself and turns over on xeim side to hide xeim face in Fury’s shoulder.
“You wanna do something about it?” he asks.
It’s xeim turn to make the I-don’t-know sort of noise.
Xe grumbles again when he pats vaguely at the side of xeim head. He probably things it’s helpful. It’s mostly just annoying. Not the first time xe’s thought that, but usually he’s better at picking up on when he’s being irritating, and he doesn’t seem to have a clue, right now.
Whisper sits up abruptly, wrapping xeim arms around xeim knees.
“Girls get stuff like that. Like Ruusaan. She said they changed her face. Gave her tits. But I don’t want my body to be different. I don’t think.”
“Do you want your face different?”
Xe has to think about that.
“I don’t want to not look like my squad. Maybe newborns are different. But we’ve always been us. We’ve always been the same.” And I’m too different inside, to be that different outside. But I don’t think I’d want it anyway. I don’t care that I look like this. I just–
“I just don’t want people to think I’m a guy,” xe realises. “Maybe I can put something on my armour. Like jaig eyes, but for – whatever.”
“Well, I liked you as a brother,” Fury says, “but I like you as a whatever, too.” He knocks a foot against xeims, and grins. Like that’s all it’ll take for things to be okay.
They manage to be quiet for a good thirty seconds before he speaks again.
“You know, if you want something to change. We can look into it. After the war. Maybe tattoo something on your forehead.”
Xe grins, then snorts a laugh, then puts an arm over his waist and snuggles closer. This was the last thing xe expected when he came up here, but that’s all right. He surprises everyone. It’s usually in a good way.
“Whatever you want,” Fury promises. “I’ll find a way. You’re my favourite, you know.”
“After Racer?”
“Nah. Just my favourite. So it is cool. We’ll figure it out and you’ll be whoever you want.” He smiles crookedly. “Whatever, even.”
“Whatever,” Whisper echoes, and closes xeim eyes. With the sun coming out, it’s warm up here, now. Xe could probably fall asleep. And with Fury here, there’s nothing to worry about.
Someday. Maybe. Maybe xe’ll figure out what xe wants to look like. But right now, all xe needs to know is that xe can be whatever xe wants.
“I want to do something different with my hair.”
“Like what?”
“Grow it out, maybe. On one side.” That seems… right, in a way xe can’t put xeim finger on.
“I can cut the short side, if you want it to be buzzed down.”
For once in xeim life, xe barely even has to think about it.
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
Someday will probably be very far away. Today, xe closes xeim eyes and falls asleep beside xeim brother.