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"She loves small talk"

The woman who runs the local coffee shop, Deliah, once told me her biggest pet peeve—people not pushing their chairs in. I told her mine—small talk.

Now, I do small talk. I know it's just a basic part of human life.

But I crave deep conversation and connection. So, naturally, Deliah shifted the conversation to perimenopause.

No, this post is not about perimenopause... keep reading, if you like, to see what we discussed today.

Today when I walked in, she jokingly told her employee managing the till that I loved small talk. I responded that I was happy to move all the chairs out for her. We laughed.

Then she said, "Oh! You're going to love this!" and ran to grab a legal-sized beige folder.

I already knew what it was... her signed Separation Agreement. She's been waiting so long, and her bastard ex finally signed it.

In the State of Virginia, Divorce and Separation are weird. You have to wait a year to file for Divorce, but you can get a signed Separation Agreement at any time that basically acts as the framework of the Divorce.

And once it's signed, you're as good as Divorced without the final stamp.

Sometimes this is an easy process. Sometimes it's an absolute beast.

For me, it's been somewhere in between. See, I started out by going to my lawyer to get a Separation Agreement draft, hoping my ex and I could sort it out without either of us retaining a lawyer.

That's right. I never retained a lawyer. Now, I have one that I can retain.

But I need to use the money I have to care for my children, not argue by proxy with my abusive ex.

And we might finally have a framework for our Separation Agreement.

What does that mean? Well, more stability for everyone involved. Not going to get into the details, here, but I talked to my lawyer's office, and they're good with everything my ex and I discussed.

And once he signs if a cute guy flirts with me, I can flirt back without anxiety. Because my lawyer discourages dating without a signed Agreement in case we go to court... keeps things from getting muddied.

It's not like I need a guy to feel complete. My healing journey has been about me.

But having the option if I happened to meet someone amazing is nice. It's nice to have the option.

Plus, I'm a theater kid and flirting is part of how we communicate, damnit! And I'd love to just... have guy friendships again without my ex accusing me of wanting them.

A little background—any time I built a friendship with a guy who wasn't my husband, he'd accuse me of cheating. He'd talk about how handsome the guy is, and how I must want to be with them.

So, I'd retreat from the friendship. Because I was never gonna cheat. But I couldn't have him thinking I would.

It was an isolation technique. It kept me sequestered away from really beautiful friendships that meant a lot to me.

I've always had guy friends. More than gals!

And while my ex could stand the ones I made before him, he meddled in any that started after we wed.

Literally the first thing he accused me of when he first received the Separation Agreement was having a guy on the side. I shit you not.

Like, hello! Demisexual, fiercely loyal, 1-1 relationship girlie here. But that just shows how little he knew me or wanted to know me.

And soon I could have a signed document that really frees me from all of that. Can you imagine, loves!? Freedom!?

I'm so happy for Deliah. It's been a long time coming.

And as I grabbed my dirty chai latte, she and I smiled and pointed at one another. "Me, next!" "You, next!"

Me. Next.

#rachel thoughts #family #children #tw separation #cw separation #tw divorce #cw divorce #tw gaslighting #cw gaslighting #tw emotional abuse #cw emotional abuse #cw manipulation #tw manipulation #divorce #separation

Bird in a Cage (The Masquerade Pirate Mermaid AU)

Trigger Warnings: Depiction of abuse, sadness, extreme SADNESS, separation, siblings, in an unhappy marriage, trapped in a marriage.

#skelesona #skelesona sister #skelesona sisters #skelesona siblings #skelesona family #cw abuse #cw sadness #cw angst #cw separation #the masquerade pirate mermaid au #the ambitious crossover #goat monster ocs #child oc #children ocs

It's the Final Countdown (do do do doooo. do do do-do-do.)

Growing up, I was a fucking weirdo. Yes, I can hear your faux-shock from here. "Big surprise, Rachel. You're still a fucking weirdo."

I was a member of the animé club. I taught myself to edit videos with two VCRs like a loon. I watched black-and-white musicals and kept a notebook full of X-Files episodes so I could track all the unanswered questions.

This is scratching the surface, people. You can't imagine the weirdness...

But one of my favorite weird things I did was countdowns to the return of my favorite shows each season. I'd color code them and put them in the margin of my school planner.

Every day, I knew exactly how many days there were to the 2-3 shows I was most excited to return.

Today, my new planner arrived. Yes, I still do school-year planners. Having kids, it works out just fine.

It just occurred to me—maybe I should do a countdown to when I can file for Divorce.

So, instead of thinking about how far I am from my Separation Date, maybe I think, instead, about how much closer I am to celebrating my "File for Divorce Date."

Of course, the big party will be when everything is actually finalized. But I still think it'd be lovely to shift my thinking a bit.

I'll keep celebrating how far I've come, but I'm also going to get excited for my future. It's been a long time since I've allowed myself that.

#rachel thoughts #the future #future tense #life after divorce #childhood weirdo #divorce #tw divorce #tw separation #separation #cw divorce #cw separation #weirdo

Tomorrow Marks One Year.

Maybe I should wait until tomorrow to write this one, but it's bubbling in my mind. So, here's the truth—tomorrow marks one year from the day I made up my mind. I was done.

You may say, "Uhh, Rachel, that doesn't jive with the whole 'end of July things fell apart' timeline."

Exactly. Because my timeline had an August 1 end date. Fate just hurried it along.

I remember calling the number a friend gave me for their divorce lawyer—something I'd asked for just in case when we met up at Pride.

I'd never even considered it, before, but once I uttered the word "divorce" in May, it kept hovering there in the back of my mind. Some part of me knew.

I called my father, next, to plot it out. How to make sure the kids and I would be safe.

I mean it when I talk about getting out safely, loves. I had a plan. That's why my bags were mostly packed when everything went down and we got out so quickly... I'd been preparing.

As you all know, things escalated before I was able to execute my plan. Still, as I talked to my therapist about June 22 and its significance in my life, she said I needed to celebrate.

And much as I want to celebrate tomorrow, I'm a realist. I still need to work. I still need to take care of all the things. I don't get days off.

But, in my heart, I'm dancing. Because one year ago tomorrow, I saw the first dragonfly of the season right after I thought, "I'm done." It flitted past me and my heart burst with joy.

There's a reason it's going to be my first tattoo!

There's an actor I follow—on Instagram, not down the street... I'm not a stalker!—who has a tattoo that has the perfect linework for inspiration.

I only have a shoddy screenshot from a thirst trap—because there's no way I was saving that to my phone... this demi doesn't want other people's men in her gallery—but maybe it's enough to show an artist.

Maybe I do that tomorrow. Find my tattoo artist.

I kinda love that idea. Because I won't be getting the tattoo until after everything's settled, but I love the idea of getting it sorted now so then I can just... do it.

What a tremendous symbol of my freedom. I cannot wait to unfurl my growing wings and fly.

#tw abuse #tw divorce #tw separation #cw abuse #cw divorce #cw separation #tattoos #Rachel thoughts #self care #self worth #self celebration #self liberation #get out safely

A Good Night's Rest

I remember the first night after I made the decision to leave my abusive marriage—I had the best sleep in ages.

So, it's fitting that on this, the 8 month mark of getting out, my Littlest had one of her best nights of sleep since the Separation.

That night was scary. It was traumatic. It was hard.

After the police took my ex to the hospital for a mental health evaluation, and the officer told me how to request a Protective Order, I packed my kids up and got us out within 30 minutes.

We fled our home in the dark of night. Because we didn't know if they would keep him.

And the way he glared at me in front of the cops was terrifying. Things were already escalating, and I was terrified for myself and my children.

We hopped locations for two weeks through the worst of it, and each time my daughter and I shared a bed while the twins took another. So, she got used to me being a source of comfort.

Every night since then, she comes in around 11-1, unable to settle again in her own bed. But, it's been getting harder for me because my sleep's been so inconsistent.

We've tried a lot of things to get her back into a rhythm, but I think what helped was she and I discussing a gameplan—what to do if she came in early enough that I was awake enough to take her back to bed.

My kids love structure and having an idea of what's coming.

Monday night into Tuesday morning, she didn't come in until 3AMish. This morning, the sun was up before she made it to my bed around 6AM.

She took herself back to her room, and I found her in her own bed when it was time to wake for school. She was smiling and she was so proud. "I stayed in my own bed until 6!" my 8-year-old exclaimed.

And I tried not to tear up because I know that she's feeling safe, again. She is feeling confident, again. All of this has been so hard and I know all my kids have done their best to handle it.

But they're kids. And it's a lot.

But last night... she got good sleep. And so did I. We both got good sleep.

As we enter this ninth month of Separation—and the creation of a new reality for my little family of four—I have the possibility of a signed Separation Agreement before my birthday, and we're making this house the home we want.

A home where we'll have many more good nights of sleep to come.

#rachel thoughts #family #sleep problems #tw separation #cw separation #tw mental health #cw mental health #tw gaslighting #cw gaslighting #tw manipulation #cw manipulation #tw divorce #cw divorce #Separation Agreement #parenting #childhood

I'm Done Chasing The Past

Ex did Visitation today with the kids at the house since they were all off camp for the holiday. He came over after I'd wrapped my workday, so I holed away in my room working on house projects and pricing.

As he was leaving, he got nasty. He got confrontational.

I held it together. I held my ground. And when he walked out of the house and slammed my door when I was mid-sentence, I locked the door behind him.

For years, we'd have a disagreement, and if he didn't like what I was saying he would just take off. Run out of the house and get in his car and take off.

Sometimes I didn't know where he was for hours. And when he came back, I had to apologize to him.

Today, I simply locked the door and moved on with my life. Because that time is over. I'm no longer chasing him, thinking it's my fault for how he acts.

He's a grown-ass man. Or, at least, he should be.

And I'm really fucking proud of me.

24 days until I can file for Divorce. 24 days until I close that door as much as possible with three kids to co-parent.

And I can't fucking wait.

Loves, I mean it when I say it's worth it to get out if you can. Trust me. You can have a completely different life on the other side. A life that brings you joy and happiness. A life with better health and self-confidence.

You owe it to yourself to make it happen. I believe in you.

#rachel thoughts #tw abuse #cw abuse #tw gaslighting #cw gaslighting #tw manipulation #cw manipulation #tw separation #cw separation #tw divorce #cw divorce #self love #self healing #self care

"Finally! Everybody's Gone!"

Today, we celebrated my Littlest's birthday a month early. I've always planned her birthday this early to make sure we could capture school friends before their Summer vacations took them out of town.

I always write, "Your presence is your present" on every invitation. I don't ever want a child to think they're only invited if they can afford a gift.

Still, many people showered this little girl with so much love, and I'm so thankful to everyone who made time to come out today.

But I also knew that meant seeing my ex.

And when he pulled up, I pointed out his car to my daughter. "Oh no," she said, under her breath. "You knew he was coming," I pointed out. "Yeah, I know," she responded.

I kept a straight face, but it was so incredible to see her response to him considering how careful I am about what I say about him.

Then, I rembered—she lived with him, too. She knows what he's like without me telling her.

And as the party ended, he was the last one out the door. "Finally!" she declared as she closed and locked the door behind him. "Everybody's gone!"

Because she doesn't see him as a part of our family.

I've told my kids—truthfully—that they still have a family with their father. But he and I are no longer family. I didn't realize how much they'd taken it to heart.

Me? I was nervous about this party. Because for the first time ever I didn't check in with my closest local friends before the party to see if they could come—and all three couldn't.

But, my aunts were here—and they gave me an amazing gift I'll write about another time. My kids' friends and their parents were here, and we had a lovely time.

Ex plays the piano when he's here during parties since the Separation. It's no secret that acting and music were the first things we connected on.

It used to bother me, but this time I barely noticed. And I consider that growth.

The kids are all as tanked out as I am, and we're spending the evening taking it very chill. We've all eaten some real food and are content to be calm and quiet in the moment.

This is my family. And I love it.

#family #rachel thoughts #kids #Separation #cw separation #tw separation #tw divorce #cw divorce #divorce #community #family life #mi familia

Old Friends and Navigating Divorce

I haven't put out any mass notifications to folks in my life about my Separation and impending Divorce. You might think—Rachel... this is a public place.

Yes, fine. I know this isn't exactly private. But I'm a queen at compartmenalizing my life. So, I have one IRL friend—hi, Ali—who reads these blogs, and I first met her online.

I use my married name for work and for Facebook because I made so many work contacts there back when it was a useful platform. And I do have a "Work Instagram" using that name.

But my personal world? That's always been under my nickname—Esselle.

Mostly because my maiden name was too long to fit the old character limits on handles—first and last were 20 letters and back in the day, if you added the needed spaces and hyphen, it just wouldn't fit .

But, for whatever reason, I never wanted it under my married name. Weird how that worked out, eh?

So, you'll see RachelSL or RachelEsselle depending on if I was fast enough to get the first on whatever platform. And Starseneyes here in honor of my first Angelfire website—shoutout to the OGs!

That means the folks who only know me by my married name don't all know what's happened with me and my ex. And because we met shortly before my 19th birthday, a lot of our friends are shared.

There's one from college whose own divorce and second life I've followed for many years, now. She often posts incredibly inspirational Stories on Instagram that really resonate with where I am on my journey.

This week, I reached out to tell her how much of an inspiration she's been, how much I appreciate her, and the situation with me and my ex—who was her friend first.

Not only did she congratulate me, but she noted that she's five years "ahead of [me]", has found what she calls true love, and assured me that it will get better.

Tears gathered in my eyes. Because almost everywhere I've turned in the nearly 10 months since my Separation, I've been surrounded by love.

In two months and 11 days, I can file for Divorce. I'm hoping my ex will sign the Separation Agreement and we can finally go our separate ways as much as raising kids together allows.

And on the other side of it? I know I'll be loved. My family and friends have already shown that.

I won't be condemned. I won't be shunned. I won't be isolated. I won't be chastised.

I'll be loved.

And, honestly, I can't wait for everyone to know. Because I know there'll be more folks like my old friend who'll congratulate me and share in the joy.

Thank you all for your support, love, and sharing the ride with me. I appreciate you more than you will ever know!