It's time for more incorrect Sanders Sides quotes ((I'm so sorry to the official Incorrect Sanders Sides Quote blogs for stealing your #Thing, but it's too much fun not to share my dumbass jokes as well))!
...
Roman: *Drunk* I'm washing me and my clothes, bitch!
Virgil: You're drunk as fuck.
Roman: I'm washing me and my clothes. :)
...
Remus: *In bathroom posing* Young pharaoh, look at this god body. SRACAWCAW!
Roman: *Walks in*
Remus: … :l
Roman: Oh my god. *Walks out*
...
Logan: Okay, class, please tell me the largest bone in your body.
Remus: *Already laughing*
Logan: Please no inappropriate answers.
Remus: tHAT DICK!
...
Patton: We've got Roman, we've got Deceit; Deceit's 'bout to meet his maker.
Roman: Die, you commie fucker!
Virgil: DON'T KILL MY DAD!
...
Remus: Hey, Virge… you're no good, Virge!
Deceit: You'll never be shit!
Remus: You're just! Like! Your father!
(Bonus points if Deceit has a look on his face in that moment that has "wait, that's me" energy)
...
Roman: Patton, tell Remus where he can stick his arrows!
Patton: In his quiver! :3
Roman: Nooooooo!
...
*Patton and Logan are watching Virgil emerge from his room for the first time in several days*
Logan: Achoo!
Virgil: *Runs back into his room*
Patton: Nice, Logan. >:/
Logan: I sneezed! Oh, I'm not allowed to sneeze!?
Patton: You shouldn't- >:(
...
Roman: Ya know, the Dark Sides can be real aggressive, so it's important to take all necessary precautions.
Roman: *Blows an airhorn in Virgil's face* GET FUCKED!
...
Virgil: Who ate my leftovers!?
Remus: Who ate my brother's ass?
Virgil: …Okay.
...
Roman: I'm 'bout to sing a song! :3
Remus: *Nails him with his morningstar* BOOSH! Get out the way~!
A/N: This is for @stop-it-anxiety ‘s Fall Fic Contest. Prompt used was “Monster”. Figured October 1st would be the perfect time to post this!
Warnings: Spooky dark stuff in like an Addam’s Family the movies type way.
Summary: The dark sides love the scary things in life. They thrill in scaring each other. Deceit raised his kid sides, Remus and Virgil, to be proud of this. And then they met the light sides...
***
His prey in sight, he crept along. Crouched close to the ground. His lips pulled back in a snarl as he prepared to pounce. Launching onto the sitting figure, he roared loudly, “Be afraid! Be very Afraid!”
“Oh no! You got me!” Deceit dramatically bemoaned as he fell backwards onto the couch. Virgil landed softly on his chest, doing his best scary face as he hissed at his victim. Dee chuckled, smirking up at his son with fondness in his eyes. “Truly a terrifying monster.”
Virgil smiled triumphantly, “I scared you, Dad!”
A sound of rushing footsteps is heard as another figure sped wildly into the room. “Monster! Where’s a monster?” Remus shouted excitedly. He ran around the living room, looking for the fearsome beast.
Virgil stood up on top of Dee, causing the parental side to groan in pain. “I’m the monster! I’m the scariest thing in the mind palace!” He threw his hands into the air, causing lightning to flash behind him. “Hahahaha.” He attempted to top it off with his best impersonation of an evil laugh, which in reality was just a slightly deeper version of his normal laugh.
Dee scooped his son up, standing with a yell. “I’ve caught you!”
Remus ran to grab onto Dee’s legs, “I’m a monster too! Let my brother go, you hideous knight! Together we’ll roast you up and eat your entrails!” Remus attempted to gnaw on Deceit’s legs.
“Augh!” Deceit feigned pain. “You’ve killed me.” He collapsed to the ground still holding Virgil close to his chest. “What am I to do against two vicious beasts such as yourselves.”
“We won!” Remus shrieked happily. Virgil was clinging to Dee’s caplet after falling to the ground with him.
Remus grabbed onto Virgil’s arm. “Come on, V! Let’s go into the imagination and kill some knights!”
“I just want to scare them.” He mumbled as he crawled off of Deceit, following Remus out of the living room.
“Remus. Virgil. I know you two aren’t planning to go into the imagination without your weapons. Are you?”
“I got ‘em, Dad.” Remus whined. “It’s no fun without them.”
“We’ll be safe, Dad!” Virgil grinned happily.
Deceit eyed them skeptically. “I totally trust you brats. And I know that you guys are going to stay in the Dark Forest. Because if you don’t the light sides will find you, and make you take a bath.” He pointed at Remus, who shuddered at the thought. “And sing cherry songs.” He sneered at Virgil’s horror stricken face.
“Noooo!!” Remus cried loudly and ran off to his room.
Virgil jumped and scrambled after him. “Wait for me!”
Deceit laughed maniacally as he watched his kids scramble off towards the imagination.
***
“Mary, Mary, Quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells, and cockle shells,
And pretty maids all in a row.”
Remus swung his morning star in wide overarching circles singing loudly about bloody mary as Virgil crouched above him, watching from his perch in a tree. His grin was creeping ever wider as he eyed his brother, readying a leap of attack when…
“Are you sure about this, Roman?”
His ears perked up at the strange voice. “Remus, quiet!” He hissed out.
Remus cut off his singing, cocking an eyebrow up at his brother. “What’s up?”
“There’s people. They’re in our forest!” Virgil held tightly onto the tree as he leaned towards the direction of sound. His sharp hearing picked up another voice.
“It’s fine, Patt. I got a sword. Anything comes close and wham, bam!”
Virgil nodded in thought. “We gotta scare ‘em off before Dad finds out.”
Virgil swung down from the tree landing softly beside his brother. And together the two dark sides ran through the forest, Virgil leading the way as they headed towards the sound of the intruders. Bounding past the shadowy inhabitants of the woods. Running past trees covered in cobwebs, caves with echoes that sounded eerily like wailing, and a stream that ran bright red.
The brothers slowed down as the strangers’ voices became clearer. They crouched down side by side, hidden behind bushes watching their prey enter their field of vision.
“They look like us.” Virgil whispered into Remus’ ear.
‘Light sides.’ Remus mouthed back. His eyes blown wide.
Virgil narrowed his eyes at the trespassers. How dare the light sides come into their domain. Nobody was going to make him sing happy songs. Although, perhaps Remus could use a bath.
Virgil gestured to Remus to go around. The foul side nodded knowingly and slunk away, keeping low to the ground. Virgil eyed the apparent light sides as he waited for Remus to get into position. There were two of them and they seemed to be the same age as Remus and Virgil. One dressed like a prince, how nice, was haphazardly brandishing a katana. The other must have been terrified already. He was jumping at every noise, wringing his hands and biting his lip as he spoke to his companion.
“Dad says we shouldn’t be here, Roman. Can’t we please go back. I’m scared,” He was visibly shaking.
“That’s silly! I am here so you have nothing to fear! We’re gonna defeat the evil of this forest and return as heroes!” This Roman stood proudly, his sword thrust high into the air. Virgil was confused. Heroes were the ones the monsters defeated. Why did he want to be a hero? It was much more fun to be a monster.
The leaves rustled in front of the pair. “Careful, Patton, it might be a scary monster.”
The signal. Remus was in position. Virgil launched himself into the open, he tackled the scared one, growling down at his face. “ScArY LiKe tHiS!” Virgil shouted. His voice doubling deeper and darker than it had ever gone before. Remus in the same instance came launching into view, swinging his morningstar straight at Roman’s face. The light side managed to duck away. Remus used his own demonic voice to screech at the top of his lungs. His eyes glowing red and the light bending around him.
“LeAvE nOw oR DIE. yOu’Re iN ThE pReSeNcE oF tHe DEMENTED.” Remus shrieked as he swung his morning star. Roman attempted to block it with his sword, but the morning star merely knocked it out of his hands.
Virgil was giddy. Remus had fantastic control over his voice and now Virgil was gaining his own. He smiled down at his prey, ready to boast of his achievement. But Patton was crying. Tears were streaming down his face as he looked at Virgil in utter terror. And suddenly, being scary seemed wrong. Bile rose in his throat. What had he done? He had made the light side cry? Being scary was fun but... this wasn’t fun. This was terrible. Scrambling off of Patton, and putting distance between them. He sat there on the ground, his mouth agape in silent apologies. Remus paused his rampage to watch in confusion.
“Virgil?” Remus spoke softly. His voice having returned to normal.
“I scared him.”
“Yeah. That’s what we do. Scaring is fun.”
“FUN!” Roman interrupted. Panting from his attempts to dodge Remus’ attacks. “You think this is fun? You guys are mean!” Roman’s previous bravito abandoned. His hands trembled, his body curled in on himself. “You guys are monsters!”
Patton sat up and Roman ran to hug him close. Patton said nothing. But his eyes remained locked on Virgil. And then the dam broke and he cried out. “Daddy!!” Roman buried his face into Patton’s shoulder and they hugged each other close. Remus came over to stand beside Virgil.
“I don’t get it. What did we do wrong?” He asked him. Virgil said nothing. Only silently stood beside his brother. Remus wrapped his arm around him. Trying his best to comfort his brother, despite not knowing the cause of his distress.
“Patton! Roman!” A voice shouted through the woods. Running footsteps thudded against the forest floor as a sprinting figure rushed towards the shaken group.
“Daddy!” Patton cried again. Roman looked hopeful as he watched the man come into view.
Remus grimaced. “Another intruder.”
The figure, another side, hesitated for only a second before crouching down by the crying light sides and wrapping them in his arms. “Shhh.. It’s okay. I’m here.”
Virgil shifted on his feet self-consciously. An adult light side. They were in real trouble now.
The man looked over at the two hesitant brothers. His gaze was like ice. “What happened here?”
“They scared us.” Patton cries.
“That monster tried to kill me, Dad!” Roman bellowed pointing at Remus.
“I’ll handle it.” The man spoke with care. Standing, he loomed over the child dark sides. His eyes locked onto Remus.
“Your weapon, now.” The man held out his hand.
“NO! Dad says we can’t be in the dark forest without ‘em.” Remus defended, gripping tight onto his beloved morning star.
“And where is Deceit? I would like to talk with him about your behavior today.” His voice rang with authority.
“We didn’t do anything! They’re just being babies.” Remus complained.
The man was not impressed. He peered down at them through his black spectacles. “You terrified them. You made Roman think you were going to kill him. I know you dark sides have a warped sense of fun, but when you torment my children that is crossing a line. A line you do not come back from. If you ever bother my children again… You will have to answer to me.”
“Dark sides?” Roman whispered, pulling back in shock.
“This is unfair! You are the ones that came into our forest!” Remus was growing increasingly agitated. He must really hate this new side. Virgil wasn’t particularly fond of him either. He was making him feel wrong. Was it bad to be a dark side?
“That is not a valid excuse for terror-”
“Daddy! I want to go home!” Patton broke through the shouting.
The light side straightened his shoulders. “I will be escorting my charges back now. I expect you two to return to your own commons. And I will be calling Deceit about your behavior here today.”
Virgil and Remus watched the light sides leave their forest. Remus shouting at their retreating backs to “Stay out of our forest!”
Virgil only turned away. Trudging back through the Dark Forest and towards Remus’s door.
Arriving home, Remus ran to the commons, excited to tell Dee all about their adventures. Virgil followed slowly behind only to stop short upon seeing Dee yelling into the phone. “Well. the brats shouldn’t have been in dark side territory… No! If they don’t want to be scared than they shouldn’t have been idiotic enough to go monster hunting in the Dark Forest!”
Monster hunting? Virgil thought. These light sides really thought that way about monsters.
“Oh please! You know we can’t get hurt. Let alone die!... It’s not my fault Roman doesn’t know that!” Dee was continuing. Remus shuffled up to his dad. Staring up at the man with a grin, bouncing on his toes as he waited for Deceit to be done.
Virgil didn’t want to wait. He just wanted to be alone. He sunk down to his room and landed softly onto his bed. Virgil grabbed his blanket and rolled across his mattress, enveloping his small form in a blanket burrito. Ending face down, he sighed into his pillow. What happened back there?
Deceit had always taught them to be proud of being a dark side. He read them spooky stories and was delighted when they played monster. It was always so much fun being a monster. But now, Virgil just felt sad. He didn’t know if he wanted to be a dark side anymore. He didn’t want to be bad. And the light sides were terrified of him. Did that make him bad?
He shifted to his side and curled his legs up to his chest. He closed his eyes to the world. Virgil had always been scary but he didn’t want to be bad. Was scary bad?
***
A soft knock awoke Virgil. He blinked tiredly, glancing around his room. When had he fallen asleep?
“Virgil.” Deceit’s voice called through the door.
“Dad?”
Deceit slipped into the room. Spying Virgil curled up on his bed, the fatherly side made his way over to sit beside him. Settling in place, Deceit sighed as he looked down at the young anxious side. He reached over and gently brushed Virgil’s hair back from his forehead. “How you doing, Spider?”
Virgil tucked his chin down, looking away from Deceit in answer.
“I’m sorry they yelled at you, bud.”
Virgil studied the stitch in his blanket.
“Remus told me your voice warped. That’s truly horrid news.” Deceit’s smile was evident in his words. But it only made Virgil angry.
“Horrid is bad, Dad! And not fun bad. It’s bad bad.” He huffed.
His father’s eyebrows knit together. “Did the light sides say that? Did they say you were bad?”
“They said we were mean. They said we were scary and Patton cried. We’re monsters. Monsters a- are ba-ad.” Virgil whispered into the dark of his room. His words choking at the end. He bit his lips and willed the tears not to come. He didn’t want to cry.
“Now that’s a blatant lie and I should know. There are plenty of good monsters. I know you know this. Just look at the Yeti. And what about Arabella?” Deceit spoke, pointing to Virgil’s pet spider nestled happily in her terrarium.
“What about her?”
“Well, spiders scare a lot of people because they look different. But that doesn’t make them bad does it?”
“No… Arabella is a good spider.”
“And you are a good side. If you ever doubt that I want you to think about Arabella and then I want you to come find me. I’ll always be there for you, my spider.”
