On Neurodiversity and Parenting
Before I get into the meat of this, let me tell you about one of the best vacations I’ve ever had as a parent.
It was a group of my good friends, all alumni of the same university. We all graduated in the same year, we had all been roommates, the works. But we are now super busy professionals, and hadn’t seen each other in years.
So, we organized a 5 day long extravaganza in the desert. We rented a massive house with a HUGE, gorgeous pool, a game room, volleyball court, and plenty of bedrooms for the people coming. We had two married couples, two single people, and 4 kids in between the ages of 1 to 7. The area surrounding us had museums, outdoor activities, and a few breweries.
It should have been hell, especially for someone like me, who has mild ASD, shoved into this house with all of these people. Noise, socializing, the whole kit and kaboodle.
My daughters (both of whom are very young) were always fed, watched over, and entertained by the two other kids and at least another adult at all times. Responsibilities were shared, and communication was crystal clear. I myself was never stressed out, worried, angry, or overwhelmed–all things that happen when you have ASD and loud, social activities are happening.
We, as adults, all took turns with the kids and allowed ourselves to retreat and relax when it was needed. The kids, as a result, were all conked out by 7 pm, allowing us to mingle and chill on our own time. It was one of the few vacations I’ve taken as a parent where I came back refreshed and recharged.
I bring this up, because many times, neurodiverse individuals are often infantilized, belittled, or even mocked when we talk about having families. Worse is the borderline eugenics comments, the ‘do you want more people like you in the world’ remarks. Which is disgusting, but not unexpected.
I’m also writing this because our favorite neurodivergent clone, Tech, finds himself as the father of a small daughter in Far Past the Ring. I went through this storytelling route as I wanted to not only explore Belter vs Clone biology (more on that later) but also how neurodiverse folks can successfully parent.
Far Past the Ring is not meant to be a found family fluff piece–it is an epic story of two cultures meeting, working together, and fighting for their right to live.
It’s also about the growth of Tech from a defective commando in a massive army to becoming a leader amongst his chosen people, the Belters of The Expanse.
Besides, I do not like most of the formats in which Tech is presented with kids when it is written–he’s often seen as bumbling, cold, or irritated, none of which is flattering, or, to be perfectly candid, canon (The man can handle himself in battles and facing monsters, but not a whining kid? Come on now, his brother is Wrecker). I think it paints an unflattering picture of how neurodiverse people are interpreted as parents, and I find that both ableist and, quite frankly, ignorant.
I say this, again, as a neurodiverse mother of two neurotypical girls, both of whom are bright, happy, loved children.
How to Successfully Parent as a Neurodiverse Individual:
- Support: Teamwork makes the dream work. This is one of the biggest things in successfully raising children, and one I hope you’ve gathered from both the story above and in Far Past the Ring. But it especially rings true for the ND parent, who might be exhausted socially and psychologically from being ‘on’ with a small child, constantly.
I myself have struggled with this, as my daughters love their mama, and often climb, grab, yell, and scream, even when it makes me anxious and worked up (being touched out is AWFUL, let me tell you).
But having other outlets of affection and support for children helps an ND parent. Knowing that they had other people to help them makes me a better parent, and my daughters are confident in knowing that so many in this world love them.
One especially cruel comment screamed at Tech by his daughter’s aunt in Far Past the Ring is that he is ‘not wanted, nor needed’. While this is tragic that Tanke Drummer said this to him (and has extreme ramifications throughout the story), she was not entirely incorrect.
Omega 'Meg' Drummer, Tech’s daughter, was currently being raised by not only her mother, but also by two aunts, an uncle, and older cousins that were always there to take care of her in a massive family compound. She was also being raised in a culture that is very community oriented: a necessity for Belters to survive in a dangerous environment such as space.
Hence why Sjael Drummer, Meg’s mother, is not especially angry or resentful when she sees Tech again. She’s had help and support, no questions asked, in raising their little girl. As she says in Into the Techiverse, Tech is a piece of the puzzle that fits in perfectly when he does arrive.
The story would be much, much different if it was just Tech and his child’s other parent doing it alone. There would be a lot more stress, anxiety, and anger, no doubt.
But they are not, and that makes the difference.
Because of the communal nature of the Belters, not unlike those of the clones, and the large network of friends and family that live and work together on Medina Station, Tech and Sjael are not overwhelmed or stressed with their daughter. Additionally, Tech came into the picture when Meg was a toddler, not as an infant, so things are bound to be different.
Later, when Tech becomes more entrenched within the Drummer family, when he’s worn out, there’s other family members to help, the man doesn’t even need to ask. Homeboy won the support lottery, per se. Speaking of which…
- Communication: It was mentioned in previous author’s notes, but being able to effectively talk to your parenting partner is even more crucial than your romantic partner, simply because you have other lives depending on you. In the case of my vacation example, my friends and husband are all massive talkers with no filters.
Passive aggressive hints that my ND self would have missed–well, that just didn’t happen! When someone was exhausted, needed a break, or needed to do something (cook, clean, etc), it was either verbally stated or texted, and quickly adhered to.
Tech, luckily, managed to knock up a Belter. The Belter culture of The Expanse is not only community oriented, but their communication style is very forward and blunt. Passive-aggressive, subtle behaviors are a waste of time to them. If something is needed by another person, it is stated quickly and without issue.
After all, Belters are people who spend their entire lives in space. As a result, things must happen efficiently, or terrible occurrences can happen. Not only that, but Sjael Drummer lives with her extended family, where everyone is either talking or communicating via text or message on their comms devices, a necessity for space living and survival that is a common part of Belter life.
If our neurodivergent prince needs help, he can easily blurt it out and be helped, no judgment at all. And having that takes a massive load off of your back as a parent, especially if you are ND.
- Have A Retreat: Admittingly, living in a house with tons of other people can be hell for the ND individual. I struggled with that as a kid in a massive Catholic family, but luckily, had a retreat for myself when I was overstimulated via my bedroom. Thus, I’ve learned, having a recharge station (like an office or a bedroom) is necessary for a successful ND parent. Currently, I have my office/studio in my home.
As for Tech, he starts off with Sjael’s room, followed by other spaces as the story unfolds, such as spots on the Rocinante and the massive apartment that Clone Force 99 moves into at the very end of Far Past the Ring. Keep an eye out.
Additionally, he’s never overstimulated by his child, thanks to the supportive network he has. This stems from both from his brothers and his daughter’s extended family, going right back to the communal nature of The Belt.
I say all of this not only as a parent and an ND individual, but as a friend of many on the spectrum as well. I’ve seen some really struggle, and it’s usually due to one of the mentioned things above not being met properly. Where the ND parent is anxious from overstimulation, overwork, or just feeling too much, having help, communication, and an outlet makes them a successful parent.
Actually, I think it would help all of us as parents, now that I think about it.
