Discover Top Posts Tagged with #damerux

Codependency

(another gingerpilot time ✨)

Poe got used to it. To uncomfortable bed, bland food and equally bland quarters. He got used to numbness he felt, to orders that went against everything he believed in. To sleepless nights and tiring shifts. To bulky and heavy TIE fighters, to avoiding flying whenever possible, to fear that his next breath will be the last. He got used to Hux, to his sharp tone and soft laugh. To his reprimands and kisses. To his blank stare and the way his eyes dilated when Poe touched him. He got used to fights and tears and nightmares and contradictions and accusations and arguments. He got used to the blade under the pillow and a soft click of the hypo that Hux used for taking stims. He got used to black flight suit and grey durasteel walls.

Poe got used to it. And it was probably the most horrible fact of it all, that he just got used to it.

He sighed quietly, glancing at the chrono on the nightstand, almost 2 am. He looked at Hux sitting at the edge of the bed with his face hidden in his hands, clearly going through something. Hux was always going through something. Poe could name maybe five times that he saw the man relaxed for longer than ten minutes. Poe rubbed his eyes and touched Hux's back. Redhead flinched and glanced at him. If this is a look of a winner then Poe is glad he wasn't one. But then he was not a picture of happiness either. He slowly sat up and wrapped his hands around Hux's waist. He placed his head on Hux's shoulder and stayed silent for a long moment. He should feel some spark of cruel satisfaction seeing Hux like this, but he didn't. He wasn't angry either, or bitter, he didn't feel pity and there was no compassion in him but he was far from satisfied.

"I will bring you tea." He said finally. Tea and protein bars were at least 75% of Hux's diet. Poe stood up leaving Hux on the bed. He made tea for Hux and caff for himself and went back. "Light 30 procent."

Hux accepted his cup and Poe settled on the couch with his. He won't be sleeping anyway. Hux looked at him.

"Don't worry. I am too smart to poison you." Poe said. It was the truth. Poe was more than aware that Hux's death meant his death. Hux snorted amused and took a sip of his Tarine. "What is it this time?"

"Nothing particular." Hux's voice was tired. "Nothing you should be worried about. "

"Cut the bathnashit, Hux." Poe said sharply, almost making Hux wince. The general sighed, tilting his head back.

"I had a disagreement with the Supreme Leader."

"You have a disagreement with Ren every two hours. It's nothing new."

"I told you it's nothing particular." Hux sneered "He is an insolent, unpredictable, incompetent brat and he will ruin everything that I worked for. That's all!" Hux winced, touching his side and slowly breathing out.

"And he threw you on another wall?" Poe hummed "And let me guess. You were not in the med bay yet?"

"It's nothing." Hux said. Poe pressed his lips together and took a sip of his caff. He stood up and brought bacta from the bathroom.

"Take the shirt off."

"Dameron it's..."

"Do it." Poe cut him off. He didn't know why he was always so persistent. There was something in him that screamed every time Hux was hurted. Something angry, something stubborn and vicious. Something that wanted to see Hux's pain and at the same time couldn't stand it. Hux took off his shirt. "Your rib could be broken." Poe said, looking at the bruised side. Skin painted red and blue.

"I will visit the med bay tomorrow."

It was a blatant lie. Hux hated medbay Poe learnt it already. Hux would rather bleed out than see the medbay. Poe will have to drag him there or prepare a trap with medical personnel in Hux's quarters. He slowly sticks the bacta patch to Hux's skin. Or he could let Hux suffer... He winced and moved back.

"Don't touch it. Maybe it's just a bruise." He stood up and got back to the bed on the other side. He sighed, closing his eyes, "I am not flying anywhere tomorrow."

"I am afraid that's not how shifts work, Dameron."

"I am not flying anywhere tommorrow." Poe repeated wrapping his arms around Hux who laid down. "You can try to force me. But I won't." He opened his eyes to meet Hux's. "So you can either sign it off or find out the consequences."

Hux sighed looking somewhere in between exhausted and bored. He placed his hand on Poe's chest.

"Hm." It was the only acknowledgement Poe got. Hux closed his eyes and Poe thought he fell asleep until he spoke into his neck "I will sign you a week off. "

"No." Poe said, staring at the ceiling. "Just tomorrow."

The week was far too much. Far too much empty time to fill with unwanted thoughts. Far too much time to fill with guilt and regret. The week was far too long. He felt Hux's hand in his hair and flinched. After a second he sighed and slowly relaxed. He should roll further away from him. To the other side of the bed, showing him his back. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. And then he had an even worse idea.

"Take a day off too. Tomorrow."

Hux glanced at him curiously.

"You want to have a whole day to kill me?"

Poe snorted.

"Whatever works for you."

Hux chuckled and kissed his jaw.

"I think my presence is not going to improve your state of mind, Dameron."

"No. It won't. But I don't want to be alone." Poe said not looking at him. "I feel like a pet when I am alone here. Waiting for his owner to return." He grimaced.

"You are free to roam the ship and go back to your quarters. The fact that you are here may remind you is your choice."

Maybe it was the worst of it. Poe thought. The fact that Hux never forced him to anything. Never pressed, never insisted. It was always just a suggestion, just an open window, just an invitation that Poe chose to agree on. But at the bottom of it... It was never a choice.

"If I had a choice I would die the day resistance died."

And Hux had an audacity to sigh with exhaustion.

"We've been over this Dameron."

They were over this countless times when Poe was still able to scream and cry.

"Yes." He agreed.

"Is there something you would like to tell me that you didn't tell me yet?"

"No." It would be counter productive. It would only make Poe more hurt.

"Then it would be best to drop this topic. At least for today. We are both too tired for it. I will stay in tomorrow. If that's what you want."

Poe silently agreed. He eventually fell asleep just to wake up two hours later. Hux was not in the bed but the lights in his office were on. Poe slowly got up just to find him working.

"The idea of a free day continues to be foreign to you." Poe pointed out putting on his orange hoody. Bright fucking orange. Poe eyed himself in the mirror irritated. Nobody on the entire ship wears orange.

"That was the colour you requested.' Hux reminded him.

"You should have told me to shut up and take the black one."

"I specifically remember telling you to 'reconsider your choice.' You were not eager to listen." Hux said, giving him a pointed look. Poe remembered it. He was proud of himself then. It seemed so stupid now. He sat down across Hux glaring at him. Hux got back to work and Poe sighed annoyed.

"Can't you leave that damn thing off for once?"he huffed irritated. "The ship is not going to collapse without you, Hux. "

The general sighed and turned off the datapad.

"Very well. You have my full attention since you require it so badly." He stared at Poe and Poe stared back.

"Good. Let's take a shower."

Hux blinked.

"What?"

"Shower. It's the thing that sprays warm water on you."

"Don't be absurd, I know what a shower is. There are no water showers here Dameron."

"Not true. There are plenty of them. On deck four." Hux grimaced.

"These are shared. "

"And you are better than that?" Poe raised his eyebrow amused and knew he had won.

Hux winced when Poe slowly unstuck the bacta patch from his side. They were alone in the showers, Hux made sure of that. A soft moan escaped his lips when Poe wrapped his hands around his waist.

"Eager." Dameron smiled amused "Why are you always so touch starved, Hux? You are a full time job."

"Then get to work Dameron." Hux hissed and Poe chuckled.

"Bossy." He pressed him into the wall, Hux shivered "But we are not on the bridge. Drop the act and enjoy yourself." Poe murmured into his neck. He knew Hux well by now. He didn't know everything about him; it would be too much to ask. But he knew where to touch to turn Hux into something more humane. And he knew him enough to recognize when the walls were down. It didn't take much... Taking Hux from his natural habitat under the spray of warm water seems to do the trick. Poe smiled hearing another moan when he pressed Hux a bit harder to the wall. Pain also worked. Just enough of it made Hux's stare beautifully empty and blank. Poe forced him to establish a safe word, just in case. Sometimes he felt like he could do anything he wanted to Hux and he would let him. It made him a bit sick but he never crossed the line. Just enough to make Hux surrender, just enough so he could enjoy himself.

It was the only way Poe could defeat Hux. Seeing the general always so prim and proper looking disheveled and utterly wreck brought Poe endless satisfaction. It gave him an odd sense of power, that he knew was just a frail illusion but from time to time he couldn't resist. And Hux let him indulge in it. He let him take whatever he wanted with a hungry look of a man that was never touched before. And maybe it was true, Poe didn't care. He lost himself in the warm water and Hux's voice, in the burn of the scratch marks that General left on his back and in Hux's eyes, in that blank yearning look of a sheep that had to become wolf too fast and too soon.

Sometimes Poe felt that he is too far gone that he has no more choices now, he chose and all he has to do now is too fall back and get in line. He knew this is exactly what Hux wanted and the worst part was that Poe slowly fell for it. Too tired to push back on the intricate cage that was keeping him in his place. Maybe it was better like that. Maybe it was what he always meant to be. Just a fractal in Hux's victory. He felt Hux's hand on his cheek. Poe didn't remember how they found themselves in the bed, but there he was again in Hux's bed with a redhead pressed to his chest.

"You think too much." Hux said, wiping Poe's cheek. Was he crying?

"If I stop thinking you will fill my head with so much nonsense that I won't be able to tell who I am and who you want me to be."

Hux smiled softly brushing Poe's hair back.

"I admire you, Dameron. For a broken man you always keep me on alert."

"You didn't break me." Poe said quietly "I just gave up."

"Is there a difference?"

"Yes. And this is worse." Hux pulled him closer to himself.

"You are far too harsh for yourself. Nothing you do will change the course of history, Commander, you are only a man. Fine a stubborn and persistent one, but only a man. Maybe it's time to accept it."

"You do have a way with words, Hux." Poe snorted, tracing a redhead spine. "But I know better than to just believe in everything you tell me."

"Ah. A smart man." Hux smiled with just a corner of his mouth. "Smart man, Indeed. But you do not have a lot of options do you? Why not choose the one that bring you less pain for once"

Honey and milk. Poe thought, looking at Hux in silence. It was odd really that someone so cold could be so warm. Honey and milk with just a faint bitter taste of poison.

"I can kill you."

"Probably you would manage to do that. You have access to my quarters and you are stronger than me. But it would be, as you already know, a suicide." Hux said grabbing a pack of cigarettes "and there is a matter of our... Hm personal arrangement. See Commander I am not sure if you would have it in you to kill me."

Poe wasn't sure either. Could he? Just shot Hux one day. It's not like he would have a lot of time to process it later they would kill him on the spot. It would spare the world a lot of suffering.

"Or I could take my TIE and run." Poe said. "Or at least that's what you want me to believe in. I don't believe it. You would chase me down and drag me here, I am less dangerous where you can watch me. I have enough freedom to choose what you want me to choose. If I don't then it will all crumble, this illusion of freedom you built around me."

Hux didn't answer, just smiled, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"Smart man." He repeated amused. "Then go. Take your TIE and run. We can see where it's going to lead us." Poe won't. There was no life for him outside this ship. Hux made sure of that or that what Hux wanted him to believe in. And Poe believed. Hux sighed when Poe didn't answer. "What about other options. These that you don't want to think about. A good leader should take everything into account."

Poe grabbed Hux's cigarette and took a drag out of it.

"I stay and pretend to be your toy soldier"

"Why pretending. You are my soldier, Dameron. A fine one too. You have people that trust you here, a ship, authority, I don't keep you around for fun. It would be too much hassle. You are here because I believe killing you would be a great loss."

"Too much hassle." Poe repeated.

"Yes. People talk." Hux rolled his eyes. "I am already not very popular these days and sharing a quarters with you from all people is not bringing me any good fame." Hux smiled amused "Half of them think I am a "disgusting example of degeneration that grew inside of the Order""

Poe snorted.

"Let me guess. That was Pryde. Did he tell you that to your face.?"

"Of course. Followed by how ashamed I should be of myself. He made it his personal mission to remind me about it every week."

"Not that I don't agree with him. He just torment you for all the wrong reasons."

Hux snorted.

"Be careful, Commander. Siding with Pryde is not something you would like to do.."

"What's the other half thinking?"

"Well.. " Hux stretched himself on the bed. "I've heard two versions. One is that you tragically fell in love with me and change alliances."

Poe looked at him in disbelief, Hux smiled amused. "The other is that I captured you, brainwashed you and made you my personal slave."

Poe rubbed his face and sighed.

"Great. So either I am a fool or a slave without a will?"

"Or something I should be ashamed of. You can pick." Hux snorted playing with his hair. "I wouldn't have it in me to kill you, either. It makes me an utter fool." Hux whispered kissing his neck. Poe wrapped his arm around Hux's waist. To believe in this would be a peak of naiveness.

"What are your options?" He said touching a bruis on Hux's side.

"Same as yours. Kill him, run or step back in line."

"So when is the funeral?"

Hux smiled amused and glanced at Poe.

"Soon enough."

"If you die, I die. If you win then what?"

Hux settled on him and sighed.

"Then you either kill me, run or stay and step back in line" he closed his eyes. "But I suggest the latter one. You will save yourself a lot of pain."

Poe winced, he remembered only pieces of his interrogations; the rest of it was a blur of pain and confusion. He remembered mostly Ren but Hux also had to be there. He didn't remember seeing him but he remembered. his voice. Milk and honey.

Just a little bit more, Dameron. Hold on.

Poe sat up taking a deep breath, he flinched when Hux touched his arm and got out of the bed, leaving the bedroom. Hux didn't follow him. Poe didn't go back to the quarters this night, he stayed in the hangar bay. He went back when he was sure Hux was already gone. In the middle of Hux's shift the door chimed.

Poe opened the door and looked at the Hux surprised.

"Something's wrong?"

"I am due to the meeting with the Supreme Leader. The outcome of the meeting might affect you so... I suppose I wanted to give you a head start if we won't be seeing each other again. If you will get fast enough to the hangar you might be able to run, before knights get here."

Poe stared at him in silence. Nothing in Hux showed that he was at least a little bit nervous. His uniform was flawless and he kept his back straight, hands clasped behind his back and his expression blank. As if he didn't just say that in a spawn of two hours he will either die or kill Kylo Ren. Poe learned to read Hux quite quickly, it was always subtle but after the first year it was clear enough. The falter in the smile or fingers digging into the palm of the hand, lips that looked a tad bitten, blood in the mouth from biting his cheek too hard, and that specific look in Hux's eyes, cold, determined, unyielding. Poe sighed quietly looking at him.

"Maybe you will come in?"

"I am afraid I don't have time. I wouldn't want to be late."

"Hux..."

The general put two fingers on Poe's lips. An odd thing he did sometimes. Dameron thought that it actually meant something but he never brought himself to ask. Maybe he was just being silenced.

"I think you know very well that talking me out of this is not possible." Poe sighed again. "Be ready to leave, Dameron. My codes are on the desk."

If Poe would hear something like this his first year on the Star Destroyer he would be already on the other side of the door. But now, it didn't matter. He shook his head slowly.

"If you die, I die." He looked at Hux. The general stayed quiet. Poe wasn't sure if he was surprised or not but he nodded and left Poe with racing thoughts and heart hammering in his chest. He sat down on the couch staring into the wall and waited for death. Soon hours passed and Hux was still gone, and Poe's heart started to slow down, suddenly he felt more at peace than ever before, whatever will happen will happen. He was lulled to sleep thinking that if he woke up with a light saber piercing through his chest he is not going to resist.

Poe didn't remember how long he slept but when he opened his eyes Hux was sitting at his desk, smoking, dressed casually, with his hair wet and the look of absolute triumph in his eyes. And he was looking at Poe.

"I gave you five hours to leave." He said when Poe sat up slowly.

"How did the meeting go?"

Hux put the light saber on his desk. A trophy. Poe licked his lips nervously.

"So what am I supposed to call you now?" He tried to sound light. Teasing. "Emperor Hux?"

Hux smiled amused.

"It has a ring to it, right? No. Emperors and Supreme Leaders are something that have to stay in the past. As a symbol of greed and corruption. No. Grand Marshal, perhaps. Or perhaps not. It's yet to be determined."

Poe looked at the wall and then at Hux again.

"Chancellor, perhaps."

Hux smiled amused.

"Exercising your power, Dameron?"

"My power?" Poe snorted.

"You are in a position from which you can easily influence me." Hux sat down next to him, Poe fell silent.

"Would you let me? Influence you? You... You can change things now, Hux. You have the power and resources to actually make a difference, you have to see that the First Order is not good for people, it's not..." He was silenced with a finger pressed to his lips. He sighed.

"Slow down. I am not bringing back the republic. It's not what I was fighting for. But... " He placed another finger on Poe's lips. "I would let you influence me. And Chancellor Hux is quite acceptable." He mused. "But Dameron. If I die, you die. Remember about it."

Nothing changed for Poe Dameron. He was still trapped in the cage made of words and threats and the worst part was that he was so used to it that he started to participate in its creation. Blocking the way out by himself. He slowly breathed out looking at Hux, redheads fingers still on his lips.

"What does it mean?"

Hux only smiled. He sat back placing his hands on his knees, clearly considering it.

"I am from Arkanis. It's a planet on an outer Rim, constant rain and endless ocean. Water everywhere. People there are rather reserved. What I mean is that they do have a language but apart from that they also communicate with gestures. They are considered more... Meaningful and more discreet. "

"You told me you don't remember Arkanis."

"No I don't. I read about it. "

"What does it mean then? Shut up?"

Hux smiled amused tracing an edge of his glass with his finger.

"It means... Affection." He glanced at Poe. "Depending on the context of the situation it can mean anything from I deeply care for you to I love you.”

Poe stared at him in silence. Hux took a sip from his glass letting the pilot process it. Dameron stood up and paced the room. Hux sighed and put away his glass. "Dameron. You think too much." He said and offered his hand. Poe sighed and sat down next to him again, his eyes filled with panic. "You already chose Dameron. You had five hours to make your choice and you did."

"You imprisoned me, tortured me and trapped me." Poe hissed "This is not love."

Hux tilted his head.

"That depends on the definition of love one has."

Poe stared at him in disbelief.

"You can't possibly... Hux this is insane."

"Then why didn't you leave? I gave you the opportunity to do it. Why instead of sleeping in your quarters you found mine a month after you were assigned yours."

"I-I... I... Not out of love!"

Hux snorted.

"Of course not Dameron, I don't expect declarations. I only answered your question."

"By practically telling me that you are what? In love with me?"

"No. Perhaps it is a wrong word. Maybe it would be better to say that you affected me in a way nobody ever did before."

Poe should have left, he should have left when he had a chance to. Now he was staring at Hux in terror. Hux took a sip of his drink. stood up and left the room without saying another word.

"Shit." Poe stood up following him to the bedroom "Hux wait." He sighed and sat down next to him on the bed.

"I don't expect you to have any feelings towards me apart from hate and disgust, Dameron."

Poe sighed. Well he didn't expect that either but here he was.

"I didn't expect you to have any feelings towards me." He said.

"Then we are both equally surprised."

Poe rubbed his face and glanced at Hux. His neck was bruised, Poe raised his hand slowly to touch his collar but before he could Hux bolted up getting away from him.

"Hey.... Sorry. Sorry. Does it hurt?"

"It's nothing. You should... You should leave Dameron." Poe stood up and brought a First Aid kit from the bathroom. Hux glared at him. Poe sat down on the bed taking out dezinfectant and bacta gel. He glanced at Hux, redhead slowly sat down grabbing the material of his trousers. The first time Poe accidentally touched Hux’s neck he ended up on the other side of his blaster. He still remembered the look in Hux’s eyes, his pupils blown and taken over by fear.

"Can I?"

Hux nodded. Poe carefully started treating his neck. Something wet fell on his hand, Poe glanced up at Hux, he was blinking out tears.

"Armitage..." Hux winced and took a shaky breath as he pushed Poe away from himself. "Are you alright? Hey. Look at me. Armitage."

"Stop."

"What?"

"Stop calling me like that. Stop." He stood up. Poe followed and slowly pulled him into the hug. Hux shivered covering his mouth.

"Hey. Easy it's... It's just an adrenaline dump, breath. Breathe." Poe held him "That's right."

Poe stood there holding Hux thinking that he should snap his neck. That it would be not only humanitary but also the right thing to do. He grabbed Hux's head pulling him closer and took a deep breath. Hux shivered and Poe closed his eyes, relaxing his shoulders. He was unable to leave and unable to kill. "Let's get back to bed." He said quietly. "Alright? Come." He guided Hux back to bed and laid down with him. Maybe it really was all he was meant to be. An addition to Hux's Galaxy. He glanced at Hux and bit his lips.

"Can I be your personal pilot?"

Hux looked at him and snorted.

"Planning a shuttle crash, Dameron?"

Poe shook his head. "Then why?"

"I don't like TIE's," Poe said. It's better to have an eye on Hux. He said to himself. It's better to stay near him, it's safer, reasonable, maybe he can really influence him. Poe wrapped his hands around Hux’s waist. Hands on warm skin, Hux’s head on his shoulder. He never felt empty when he held Hux. That usual hollowness that followed him step by step was quieted. Overwritten by their shared heartbeat. Poe sighed, rubbing his face.

“Odd isn't it?” Hux said quietly.

“What?” Poe asked, his voice almost not audible.

“You can spend all your life fighting for what's right and in the end find comfort in the very same thing you vowed to hate.” Poe snorted, holding back tears “The war is over, Commander. Stop fighting.”

It was said in a tone so calm and soft that Poe wanted to believe it. Desperately needed to believe it.

“I am not a fool.” He whispered. Hux hummed quietly and closed his eyes. He fell asleep and it would be so easy to take the blade from under the pillow and slit his throat but Poe didn't.

He just held Hux closer to himself, painfully aware of his own defeat.

#gingerpilot #armitage hux #poe dameron #poe x hux #general hux #kylux #first order Poe Dameron #kind of #damerux #star wars fanfiction #hux #star wars