hiii! i'm kinda sad that you're closing the blog 🥺 you have super interesting takes, and i enjoy reading your thoughts a lot. but i understand. since you're willing to answer some questions, i wanted to ask you about damon's relationship with sex. you mentioned that he used it as a tool, which is spot on. but i feel like there's more to it. there's this line in kill switch where he talks to rika about his time in solitary, and he goes on about winter sitting in the courtroom watching him get sentenced. here he says this: "acting like that time with her wasn't the only fucking time i didn't hate fucking." what do you think it means? i've also always wondered why winter and damon's sexual encounters were all pretty vanilla. i kinda expected him to be kinkier, i guess. i just have a whole bunch of questions about damon and how he experiences sex. anyways, thanks so much for all the stuff you've written on this blog, and i wish you all the best!! 💕💕
Aww, thank you! You've got really interesting questions, too!
I think what Damon was talking about is how Winter was able to sit so close to him, and deny what he knows they both felt.
We know that Damon used physical pain to distract from the mental and emotional pain. Growing up, besides the abuse from Gabriel, the only time he felt physical touch was from Natalya. Her touch was framed as affection, but it was anything. At least the pain from his father was clear-cut.
Becasue of the conflict and confusion Natalya created, I think any physical touch, if it's not painful sensation, is nearly repulsive to Damon. He doesn't really know how to interpret it. Which is why he sours so quickly during sex and often times can't go through with it.
He can tolerate some, but not a lot, and not from just anyone.
Things are different with Winter, though. She is able to give him physical affection that doesn't sicken him; doesn't remind him of Natalya.
Sitting in the courtroom, preparing to be sentenced, Damon believed deep down that she knew the truth - what happened between him and her was not only consensual, but also different than anything other people experience. More intense, deeper. It was love. Maybe the darkest shade of it, but love nonetheless, whether she wanted to admit it or not. She was choosing to stick to the lie that protected her fragile ego, and make him her monster.
Unfortunately, and I'd probably get some blowback from this, I think a lot of readers misinterpret Damon a little bit. The hype around him is so huge, I think on the backend, his character suffers a little from it.
Up until Kill Switch, Damon is the enemy. He's cruel, violent, angry, and a source of pain for everyone. Banks said he feeds on pain. But once we're in his head, we see how he uses it. Causing himself and others pain is not his strength; it's not what he loves. It's a survival tool. His strength is being able to endure it. When he's with Winter, he's not focused on survivng. She is the ultimate kill switch to his painful thoughts and memories. She takes it all away.
It sort of goes in the face of expectations to say build this character up into some sort god, lover and seeker of pain, and then to say "No, no. This boy does not love physical pain. In fact, he's at his very best when he's not in pain." So, like you mentioned, the expectation of Damon is that he's much more kinky than any of the others, while the reality is that he's while he's extactly not gentle or soft in any way, he's more of a conventional lover.
Which kind of makes sense for him, if you think about. His first exposure to affection is perverted and twisted. He won't mimic that. He doesn't want his love to be seen as anything else than what it is. Therefore, his version of love is a lot more straightforward than anyone else.
And now on to part 2 of your message.
