#datingwithstds

[sleepybluehaze]

Disclosing once again

Wish me luck gente because I’m about to disclose tonight. Ughhh I hate this. On a positive alcohol is involved so that might help.

[sleepybluehaze]

Not really my proudest moments

You know I made my life a mess and it's all my own doing. I can't blame anyone but me.

Things with David just became like we're together quick. Like almost everyday. Physical all the time. I know he's head over heels in love with me. Or he thinks he's in love but he barely knows me. But I'm still not feeling it. Not fully. I'm still not super attracted to him. He's not even that cute. He's good with his mouth but the sex is kinda wack. I feel so fucked up even saying that for how much I was feigning for sex before I started with David. That desire is probably what got me here because honestly if I was getting regular sex somewhere I never would have considered dating David. He also said something that really bugged me and that was that he had been essentially homeless for most of 20 years. Like wtf actually? I understand people get down and out but to not have a permanent residence more often than not is significant to how a person operates. And there is the drama with his baby mama and the fact he still lives with his ex. Yes I understand he cant afford to leave right now but still it doesn't sit well if we were together. Like he would push hard to move in and I don't want to be pressured into it. And also he has been behind in money since the roommates moved out suddenly and has had barely any food. Which makes me feel terrible, because I do have some and enough to share. And I have been, constantly. I even let him charge some gas on my account. Pretty sure I'm not getting that back any time soon. I hate feeling obligated and I do already. Yes I'm not a bitch if we were already in an established relationship and he was struggling I wouldn't think twice about the extra help. But we're not. We've only been seeing each other a month and a half.

I went out of town last week and one night I got drunk and I was feeling unhappy and guilty about the whole situation. I was feeling increasingly guilty over lying to David about why I was going on my trip. I love D... D to me is the perfect man. Yes, I know I cant have him for real but I want him more than anything and no one will deter that besides D himself. When I find someone to be with, I want to feel the way I feel about D. And I just dont feel that way with David. What I hold on to I think is the physical and the company. From being so lonely and untouched for so long. Desperation. I'm not here for the right reasons.

So drunk me told David the truth through text. And it was a mix between feeling so relieved and also terrible because I'd lifted a man to the clouds and just dropped him on his head out of the illusion he was forming there. He was mad, understandably. I told him that I've been talking to D for a year in August. Every day, all through out the day. We get along very well and he has provided me with so much support, even from far away. Before I met you this was established. It was set to happen. I didnt plan on getting with you. It's like one day we were hanging out and the next second we're just like a couple. And now it's too much. And before I didnt know you and didn't expect to get that close to you so keeping D from you wasn't even an issue. But now I've grown to know you. Like you, care for you. And although I feel I'm in love with D, I feel very bad and guilty lying to you. So I'm telling you the truth.

He was understandably mad. I tried to keep the details down to a minimum because I know telling too much to a guy will backfire on you. I felt bad and overwhelmed and I silenced my phone, put it to charge far from me, and passed out. The next day when i woke up he had written several comments on my social media about how much he wanted to be my man and how i must not be too sensitive or empathetic if i could hurt someone like i did. Ironically that is the very reason i was not able to do it very long. Myself in my past would have no problem keeping up the perfect sherade. I'm too old and do not have the memory or energy for that. I deleted all his public comments that were like that.

I figured we were over but as soon as I got back he was here and we were intimate again. I was wanting to stop so I am really excited for D. And I have been having some issues down there and I first thought maybe it was an outbreak, but later think it wasnt. But now I'm kinda wondering if it is. I must stop doing everything that could provoke a break out because it's only 17 more days until I see D.

My ex husband has recently stepped up his stalking attempts on me. Not only did I discover he's now internet buddies with my very worst enemy, that he's found out baby mama and I are friends and he's pissed, and I've had to delete two new pages of his. I'm certain there is more. I dont get why he can't just let go and move on. Inside though it's kinda satisfying to know he's still so desperate and I don't care about him at all.