#day 1292

[jaina-chaosweaver-of-fate]

Distracted gaze, Piercing mist's haze, And looking into, The parallel maze.

[haiku-every-day]

This is a record, /

a record of who I am, /

at least, some of me. /

[rankohoshino]

Played on: October 2nd, 2023 (UTC-4:00)

Current Neighbors

Felicity Gabi Kiki Chrissy Purrl Francine Pippy Mitzi Caroline Hazel

[intronautify]

Self Worth

[trans-and-proud]

Day 1292

(July 16) Still controlling...still a bitch. She won't let me have my phone in the morning when I go to take a shower...so stupid. But whatever. I needed to write anyways. She's pissed off at my brother...at 3am she got up and turned off the wifi. It's still off so I haven't heard from/been able to text my friends. It's frustrating. It'll be harder to text at night when he goes back to school, though. Luckily I've still got a month or so before that happens. The dysphoria is getting stronger...probably because I'm approaching shark week and my body feels the need to remind me about it. I hate it. Makes me feel weak. Nature feels the need to remind me what I was born as and I'm helpless to stop it, even though I don't want it. I am glad, I guess, to be able to escape to work today. Spending all day yesterday with my parents was a nightmare. I was uncomfortable because of the heat and the constant misgendering, but somewhat comfortable in my clothing. Having to spend the whole summer as a misgendered androgynous person has taken it's toll. I can't wait to go back to school, in my own car, and be Riley, a boy. A man, I guess you could say, since I'm now in college. I am just desperate to be myself and this constant hiding and layering of clothing is getting hard. When I get my binder I hope I'll have a bit to try it out without her home. I need some time like that to be me. Work was hard, again due to misgendering, but it was manageable. The penguins invaded to begin the sacrifice to the dragon, which worsened my mood, but it is what it is, I guess. Whenever it's shark week, I feel like God is intentionally reminding me what I was born as so I don't forget what I have learned in living a double life. The skills I have picked up living as a girl, and learning from boys have been invaluable, and have helped this transition begin. I am glad I have a strong support group behind me to help me when times get tough. I saw the article about Caitlyn Jenner's speech today, and she is truly an inspiration. I hope I can one day be like her - unafraid to be who I am regardless of the eyes on me, and use whatever influence I have to help young people going through what I went through. Those who have struggled understand best how to help. Perhaps that's why people come to me for help, because I have suffered, and even if they don't know it, they can sense that I will understand and relate. I really hope my binder arrives tomorrow. I am risking a bit driving by Devon's to pick it up, but I don't care. I need it. Even if it doesn't arrive tomorrow, I can always pick it up on Monday...but I'd like to have it tomorrow. Looking in the mirror and seeing a flat chest...that makes me feel so happy. I need that happiness. I am feeling so drained and empty...I need a pick-me-up.