It’s time to say goodbye to you, a year that I don’t think I will forget. 2018, I ended last year praying that you would be kind to me. Or at least, kinder than your predecessor was.
And here I am, twelve months later. Still going. I’m smiling again, 2018, slowly but surely I am beginning to recover.
I’m learning not to dwell, 2018, day by day, I’m learning that the past is past and it does not do well to dwell on things you cannot change. It’s an awfully strange feeling - to let go. To say goodbye. Goodbyes are for good and sometimes, I’ve found, that goodbyes are a must. You must close a door. Even if it hurts. Because life is short, isn’t it? And there is no room in this life for toxicity. Not when you could be happy.
Last year, I said I wanted the Beth who started 2019 to be proud of the one who left 2017. And do you know something? I am. I’m so proud of myself and I don’t tell myself that enough. Things have been tough but I am still here. I’m still going.
In 2018 I completed my A Levels. Despite the odds being stacked against me. Despite so many people trying to make me believe I wouldn’t be able to achieve what I wanted. I worked so so hard and I may never have been an A* student but I got grades I was proud of.
I’ve made friends this year, met people who liked me for who I was, who didn’t force me to be someone else. 2018, this year I finally started to feel as though I belonged somewhere and I don’t think they will ever understand how much their kindness has meant to me.
I started university. Who would have thought it? The girl who this time last year could barely leave her own house goes to university. And to study creative writing. To write has been my dream for a very long time and, even though I have days when I doubt myself, I’m glad I took that huge leap of faith to do something I could never leave behind. I wish I could speak to my 11 year old self, whilst she was being teased for writing, and tell her that this is where she’ll be at 19. But then again. She didn’t need telling. She never gave up anyway.
2018, you have brought me challenges. Bullying, bereavement, anxiety, loneliness. You tested me. But I knew I was strong enough to keep going. Even when things were tough, I wasn’t going to let myself fall apart again. Not the way I had before. I had survived all my bad days and I would continue to do so.
I’ll be honest with you, 2018, I wasn’t particularly kind to myself this year. I’ve cried and cursed myself for not being as clever or pretty or thin or talented as other people. I’ve not been great at remembering to sleep properly or eat properly or just take a step back. But I’m getting better at that. I will get better at that.
I wanted you, 2018, to be a year of achievement and healing. I achieved my A levels. I got in at the uni I wanted to go to. I’ve made some new friends who I love dearly. I’ve started to find my place as a writer. And you know something? I’m starting to heal. It’s not an over night process, I never expected it to be. But maybe I also never expected it to take so long. Either way, I’m healing.
I want 2019 to be the year I start to treat myself a little kinder. Where I become a little braver. Throughout this year I have repeated to myself constantly that ‘everything will be okay’. That ‘this too shall pass’. I know I still runaway from things, from situations and from people. I avoid them. Deep down I’m still scared of being hurt, of doing something wrong. But bravery will come with time. Confidence will come with time.
In 2018 I started to put myself first for the first time. I didn’t let someone tell me who to be, what to like, what to do. And let me tell you, 2018, it has been very strange. Discovering myself for the first time in 18 years. Working out who I really am.
This year has been about family. Family I have lost. Family that is still here. Family I lost a while ago and have found again. There are family ties that are slowly being fixed and I’m glad. I miss the old the days sometimes.
I turned 19 this year. Who would have thought it. I don’t know why, but when I was little I used to think 19 was old. That at 19 I would have everything figured out. I would know who I was, where I was going. I thought at 19 I would have my own place and I would have all the confidence in the world.
If nothing else, I’ve learnt that it’s totally okay to not have it all worked out yet. 19 is no age to be deciding your entire future. There is time. Just take each day as it comes. You can’t spend your life fretting about what you haven’t sorted yet. What you think might happen in the future, may not happen at all. Who knows where life will take us.
2018, you have been a journey. You were the year I started to get some independence back after wanting to shut myself away from the world. You were the year I said I’m not okay but that’s okay. You were the year I met people who make me feel as though I belong. 2018, you have had your dark moments, I won’t deny. But you have had your great shining moments that I will always remember.
Studying in the sun and thinking for the first time I might have a chance at going to university. Seeing one of my favourite comedians live. Finally seeing the back of the school I attended for seven years and not missing it at all. Laughing in the car with my friend when we went to town. Standing in the social area on results day and getting the confirmation from my uni that I had a place and almost bursting into tears because, yes I didn’t get A*s like other people but I got what I needed. Going to university, actually making the commute all on my own and being able to do it all again the next day. Walking around the shops with my new friends from uni, it may have just been another day to them but to me it was one of the first times I’d felt truly accepted in years.
2018, what a journey you have been. I guess our farewell is bittersweet. But I am excited to see what 2019 brings. I’m starting to look forward to things again, 2018. It’s a start isn’t it?
