#dear gender

[pg13judaskiss]

Dear Gender from Butch Geography (2013) by Stacey Waite

[pg13judaskiss]

Dear Gender from Butch Geography (2013) by Stacey Waite

[pg13judaskiss]

Dear Gender from Butch Geography (2013) by Stacey Waite

[pg13judaskiss]

Dear Gender from Butch Geography (2013) by Stacey Waite

[askgenderquestions]

I'm transgender but my name isn't changed. My mom wants to know how she should adress me to people when I have to go to an appointment. Like, say I have a doctor's appointment, she doesn't know whether to say my birth name when she's calling to make the appointment and tell them to write my preffered name in parenthesis or to tell them my real name and then tell them I'm transgender when we get there and tell them what I want to be called. What do you suggest?

PW: it is so awesome to have such supportive parents!Making things simple is better. If it were me, I would have her tell the office the name you want to be called. If things need to be explained about names not matching ID and transgender status, explain in person. I am assuming you are going to legally change your name in the future - If you get them using the correct name from the start there will be fewer things to change or fix in the future.If there are issues with IDs, or insurance deal with them as they come up."I'm transgender, I haven't had my name updated yet"

EB: I'm aware it's not exactly the same, but I'm in a similar situation right now with my maiden name (still my legal name) and married name (which I prefer). I'll generally introduce myself as "," but if they're looking up records, I'll add, "but my records are under ',' since I haven't changed my legal name yet." Between marriage name changes and nicknames, medical offices should be comfortable with the concept -- if not, that's really their problem. (And some offices will be fine with keeping records under your preferred name -- CVS Pharmacy lists me under my preferred name, even though it doesn't match my insurance card, and that's not an issue.)

[askgenderquestions]

I'm certainly cis-passing, and don't feel too strongly about my own gender. I don't feel it's wrong when people use she/her pronouns for me, but I do kind of have issues with the binary, and would like to encourage wider acceptance of non-binary pronouns. Would it be appropriative to use "they" as a preferred pronoun?

KR: Wow, you asked a thorny one! I have a feeling this is one of those "everybody will have an opinion and reasonable minds may differ" questions, but here's my best stab at an answer:On the one hand, when a cis-identifying person picks up the pronouns of a not-cis-identifying person, purely for reasons other than their personal identification, that sounds a lot like a situation where a non-marginalized, privileged person adopts the custom of a marginalized person without the context of that custom--and that is almost the textbook definition of appropriation.However, I note that at no point in this description did you say you identify as cis; you just note that you are cis-passing. Gender identity is made up of two distinct components: Your outward presentation and your inward experience. Though other people may see your outward presentation, no one but you has the right to comment on your inward experience because nobody but you is experiencing it. And since nobody external to you is experiencing it, nobody can really know whether you're cis-identifying except you, and figuring that out is definitely a process. And if you're figuring out whether you're cis-identifying, trying different pronouns is a normal and definitely non-appropriative part of that process.I guess what I'm really saying is: Spend some time thinking about why you are considering using 'they' as a preferred pronoun. If your answers come back to your issues with a binary expectation of gender as it is applied to you, it's not really appropriative to try different pronouns. If your answers come back to wanting cis-identifying people to use non-binary pronouns, that is probably an appropriative practice and one you should consider carefully before adopting.

PA: Please use them. Every person who uses "they" pronouns makes it a tiny bit easier for me. "They" is not a special non-binary pronoun - "they" is for everyone.

DK: I think it's perfectly reasonable, but be aware that you'll probably have a harder time getting people to use them than someone who more obviously didn't "fit". Also, be prepared to explain why a lot. I've seriously thought about trying to replace all gendered pronouns in my speech with they except for people who explicitly ask me not to.

MH: I agree that it is totally up to you, and while I see how it could be taken by some as appropriative if you land firmly on the cis-identifying side of the sphere, I fully support pronoun exploration. I myself am a cis-passing non-binary who is just starting to use they as my preferred pronoun.

[askgenderquestions]

In a world where all genders were treated the same and all pronouns, fashion and roles were neutral or interchangeable, would social dysphoria still exist?

PW: This is fun to think about. It's very hard to imagine a real-world society populated by humans as we know them in which there are no 'roles' of any kind. Humans love to categorize, find patterns, and make roles. It is part of being human. Patterns are found in everything. Everything, including people, are labelled, grouped, and ordered - whether the pattern or grouping is valid or not.No one can authoritatively answer this question, we would only be guessing as this is a thing so far fetched for us, it is best left to the realm of sci-fi or fantasy novel speculation.If i were to speculate, If a society were truly egalitarian to the point that differences in genitalia did not matter in any way at all, there would probably be grouping based other aspects, and people would experience social dysphoria for those things.

PA: To continue on PW’s thought, I think that if we were able to create a society in which people only grouped based on things they felt were important about themselves rather than things that were externally imposed then social dysphoria would disappear, since social dysphoria comes from being forced into a role or identity that doesn't fit.

PW: Yeah, I think to solve that problem, we'd need to solve the problem of physical difference. Give everyone (non-coercively) nanites that can rewrite/rebuild our physical forms to match our mental models of ourselves.

PR: Speculative fiction authors have put forth a variety of worlds that meet this criteria to varying degrees. Ann Leckie's Ancillary Justice has an empire/society that uses just one pronoun but is very stratified along class lines. John Scalzi's Lock In was intentionally written such that the protagonist's gender is completely ambiguous to the reader.

[askgenderquestions]

[Today’s question was split into two asks, so it is being posted in entirety here]

“It seems to happen every time a widely distributed hurtful opinion piece is published about gender or the trans community that some people in our social communities express support or make other statements which are exclusionary, reprehensible or otherwise harmful. This can be very painful to see due to the content, but also because it is said by someone in a community you otherwise like, that they are spreading this to yet others, and it is frequently uncontested. It is easy to say one should just remove the person from ones life, but that can't always be done. And being the one to try to contest it takes a lot of energy that people in our situations frequently don't have. In what different ways do you handle these situations?”

(Answers below the cut)

PW: I think it really depends on the individual in question. Some people, I would resort to calm, kind logic to try to turn them around. I tend to try to assume good faith that people are coming from a place of ignorance rather than hate. Real world examples are best here. Some people I turn off notifications or filter them out so that I don't see their posts. 

KDo:  I for one have stopped reading my Facebook news feed, and that has improved my life tremendously. I don't mean this to sound flippant, but wow. When I have been getting a steady stream of whatever cultural vomit is going around the 'net at the moment, I do try to speak up to people I otherwise respect about it, because given that I don't have to fight this battle every single day, I generally have the spoons to do it. I don't know if that's helpful, but maybe cis allies could help in this way?

SC: My goal is to develop a social community where we have a social contract to have each other's backs on this sort of thing. So if one person starts saying really hurtful things, it won't just be the trans people who have to speak up to it... Everyone will. That said, I saw a few work colleagues sharing that article and just ignored them and made a mental note that those particular work colleagues were transphobic. I don't feel confident arguing with professional acquaintances unless they're particularly close.

MH:  From my blog, re disagreements over gender, boxes, and personal opinions: "You do your thang, paint whatever picture you want to present. Conform to a set of standards however loosely or rigidly. I understand some of the reasons you might want to. From my perspective and interpretation, and from experience and a deep, animal-brain part of me - gender paints a box around me that I just don't want to be in.I have always been offended by uninformed assumptions about my personality, preferences, lifestyle, tastes, performance, aspirations, motivations, morals, philosophies, capabilities... Even harmless ones. My reaction is my responsibility. If it's an honest mistake, the reasoning majority of my brain does not hold offense, even if it was initially taken. I will "educate" the mistaken party as politely as the situation merits." And I go on to address when this isn't the case, and it feels willfully hurtful: "Which means: if a remark, action, or other communicated opinion about my supposed gender makes untrue and unfounded assumptions, and if that communication in some way attempts to put me in a box.... That is an attack on me. And because I am biologically female, it is usually patriarchical and/or condescending, and complete and utter bullshit. My response ranges in scope in these situations. Sometimes, I overreact. I let the insta-rage take a little too much control and I regret it later. Sometimes, I underreact, leading to further assumptions, remarks, and damage later. But honestly? I. Seriously. Have no patience for pigeonholing, and with all my heart I just want to say "Get the fuck out." And maybe throw in an armlock, just to fuck with gender norms." The tricky part is figuring out the motivation behind the hurtful remarks. I try to take in as much context as possible before letting my emotional response kick in, and often give the maker of the remarks at least a little bit of leeway (because I want to believe that people are generally less willfully hurtful than they are ignorant and idiotic at times). Then I try to talk to the person rationally and with an extended hand, to give them the opportunity to voice support and potentially apologize for the hurt. If they still don't get it, I either shrug and leave them alone for the time being, or try to understand where they're coming from and figure out how to proceed from there.