I'm struggling with having the confidence to ask folks to change to the correct pronouns. Especially folks who have known me for a long time. Anybody have suggestions for how to make this easier?
I just realized we never posted the response this question got; our apologies! Here is what PA suggested:1) Announce it in a place where lots of people will see it, like facebook or tumblr or twitter or your personal blog if you have one.2) Talk to people you feel really comfortable with who you know are trans-friendly for sure. Tell them how you feel and ask for their help is spreading the meme of your new reality.3) The more people know the less you will have to tell people directly and the more confidence you will have in telling other people who don’t know yet because it will start to feel normal when people use the correct pronouns.4) This is not magic or easy and I’m not trying to say it is. I still fail to correct people all the time and fail to tell new people because it never seems like the right moment or I worry they will be confused or antagonistic.
Trying to educate myself more has made me kinda feel pushed away from my own gender identity - I feel I am a woman but the only "womanly" stuff I have are my biology and my emotional responses to people and situations. I don't relate to most other women or have similar experiences, and my friends either also "don't woman" very well or are guys. But it seems that my self definition of being a woman is exclusionary, and I never meant it to be. What do I define myself as then?
Lots of answers to this question, so they’ll be included below a cut!
DK: If you don’t see any reason to leave the label, don’t! I have clung firmly to the label of woman, despite not having an internal gender identity, because I think we need more examples of non-conforming women and men. I strongly support everyone’s right to use the gender identity that is most comfortable for them, but I’m a little sad to see so few of my gender non-conforming friends sticking with man and woman. My definition of man and woman are big enough for that! I don’t particularly see what your clothing choices, personality traits, personal grooming choices, career choices, hobby choices, or nearly anything else should have to do with your gender.
HR: In a way I think you’ve answered your own question. If you feel like a woman, and that fits you, then you’re a woman. It’s perfectly okay to be self-reflective and interrogate what that statement means, and why you’ve come to that conclusion. (I told myself for quite a while that I was a man, and when I seriously examined that statement, I found out I was wrong.)While the traits you’ve described are often associated with women, they aren’t exclusively feminine. Personally, I don’t think validating your gender against traditional gender roles is going to provide the certainty about your identity you’re looking for.This is one of those ‘we can provide some guidance, but ultimately the answer is up to you’ sorts of questions. It’s okay to incorporate new information into your identity, and it’s okay not to be sure about what that identity is.It might seem less than helpful, and that kind of sucks because this is such an important personal question, but I don’t know, what *do* you define yourself as?
MH: I am going through a process with my gender identity that has similar conundrums and interesting things to think about. I totally second D and H above, but I will add that I believe an identity that feels fine and suits you now can change and morph as time goes on, and that’s ok! For me, finding the “just right” identity label hasn’t yet happened, and maybe never will, but in the meantime, I keep settling on what feels most comfortable in the moment.Plus, trying on different labels and playing with your gender expression can be incredibly empowering and end up affirming the self-actualization parts of your brain. For me, self definition feels yummy, like candy, and I exercise that power as often as I can.
LS: I’m with D – I don’t have a strong sense of gender identity and I dislike a lot of the baggage and expectations that go with being a woman. But I figure if everyone who doesn’t fit these expectations identifies as something other than 'woman’, then the definition of woman will remain narrow and exclusionary, so continuing to use “she/her” is more of a political statement than a statement that those are my preferred pronouns. Gender expression and gender identity are two different things, so there’s no reason a person who likes to express themselves in non-binary ways can’t continue to identify as a man or a woman if the binary works for them identity-wise.
PA: I hope I can manage to express this in a way that doesn’t start a big argument, but I feel pretty much the opposite of D and L. It feels really contradictory to me to be told that “woman” is a broad expansive term that can mean just about anything and doesn’t limit me and yet it is really important that I identify with it in order to make sure it stays unlimited. To me the idea that “woman” could be broad enough to include me renders the term meaningless and leaves me with no incentive to identify with it. I literally can’t think of a single trait all people who are “women” have in common other than identifying with the term “woman”. People tell me they “feel like a woman”. I have no idea what that feels like, but I don’t think it feels like hating the entire idea of gender (which is how I feel). To tie this back to the OP’s question, I think you need to ask yourself what it means to YOU to “feel like a woman” and if you feel that way feel free to keep that self-definition.
SJ: I feel like an important thing to remember here is that picking an identity doesn’t really mean you have to stick with it. Maybe you decide you’re non-binary later, then a binary woman again. It’s fine! Give yourself the time and space to do that! http://www.robot-hugs.com/identity-shift/
I'm transgender but my name isn't changed. My mom wants to know how she should adress me to people when I have to go to an appointment. Like, say I have a doctor's appointment, she doesn't know whether to say my birth name when she's calling to make the appointment and tell them to write my preffered name in parenthesis or to tell them my real name and then tell them I'm transgender when we get there and tell them what I want to be called. What do you suggest?
PW: it is so awesome to have such supportive parents!Making things simple is better. If it were me, I would have her tell the office the name you want to be called. If things need to be explained about names not matching ID and transgender status, explain in person. I am assuming you are going to legally change your name in the future - If you get them using the correct name from the start there will be fewer things to change or fix in the future.If there are issues with IDs, or insurance deal with them as they come up."I'm transgender, I haven't had my name updated yet"
EB: I'm aware it's not exactly the same, but I'm in a similar situation right now with my maiden name (still my legal name) and married name (which I prefer). I'll generally introduce myself as "," but if they're looking up records, I'll add, "but my records are under ',' since I haven't changed my legal name yet." Between marriage name changes and nicknames, medical offices should be comfortable with the concept -- if not, that's really their problem. (And some offices will be fine with keeping records under your preferred name -- CVS Pharmacy lists me under my preferred name, even though it doesn't match my insurance card, and that's not an issue.)
I'm certainly cis-passing, and don't feel too strongly about my own gender. I don't feel it's wrong when people use she/her pronouns for me, but I do kind of have issues with the binary, and would like to encourage wider acceptance of non-binary pronouns. Would it be appropriative to use "they" as a preferred pronoun?
KR: Wow, you asked a thorny one! I have a feeling this is one of those "everybody will have an opinion and reasonable minds may differ" questions, but here's my best stab at an answer:On the one hand, when a cis-identifying person picks up the pronouns of a not-cis-identifying person, purely for reasons other than their personal identification, that sounds a lot like a situation where a non-marginalized, privileged person adopts the custom of a marginalized person without the context of that custom--and that is almost the textbook definition of appropriation.However, I note that at no point in this description did you say you identify as cis; you just note that you are cis-passing. Gender identity is made up of two distinct components: Your outward presentation and your inward experience. Though other people may see your outward presentation, no one but you has the right to comment on your inward experience because nobody but you is experiencing it. And since nobody external to you is experiencing it, nobody can really know whether you're cis-identifying except you, and figuring that out is definitely a process. And if you're figuring out whether you're cis-identifying, trying different pronouns is a normal and definitely non-appropriative part of that process.I guess what I'm really saying is: Spend some time thinking about why you are considering using 'they' as a preferred pronoun. If your answers come back to your issues with a binary expectation of gender as it is applied to you, it's not really appropriative to try different pronouns. If your answers come back to wanting cis-identifying people to use non-binary pronouns, that is probably an appropriative practice and one you should consider carefully before adopting.
PA: Please use them. Every person who uses "they" pronouns makes it a tiny bit easier for me. "They" is not a special non-binary pronoun - "they" is for everyone.
DK: I think it's perfectly reasonable, but be aware that you'll probably have a harder time getting people to use them than someone who more obviously didn't "fit". Also, be prepared to explain why a lot. I've seriously thought about trying to replace all gendered pronouns in my speech with they except for people who explicitly ask me not to.
MH: I agree that it is totally up to you, and while I see how it could be taken by some as appropriative if you land firmly on the cis-identifying side of the sphere, I fully support pronoun exploration. I myself am a cis-passing non-binary who is just starting to use they as my preferred pronoun.
In a world where all genders were treated the same and all pronouns, fashion and roles were neutral or interchangeable, would social dysphoria still exist?
PW: This is fun to think about. It's very hard to imagine a real-world society populated by humans as we know them in which there are no 'roles' of any kind. Humans love to categorize, find patterns, and make roles. It is part of being human. Patterns are found in everything. Everything, including people, are labelled, grouped, and ordered - whether the pattern or grouping is valid or not.No one can authoritatively answer this question, we would only be guessing as this is a thing so far fetched for us, it is best left to the realm of sci-fi or fantasy novel speculation.If i were to speculate, If a society were truly egalitarian to the point that differences in genitalia did not matter in any way at all, there would probably be grouping based other aspects, and people would experience social dysphoria for those things.
PA: To continue on PW’s thought, I think that if we were able to create a society in which people only grouped based on things they felt were important about themselves rather than things that were externally imposed then social dysphoria would disappear, since social dysphoria comes from being forced into a role or identity that doesn't fit.
PW: Yeah, I think to solve that problem, we'd need to solve the problem of physical difference. Give everyone (non-coercively) nanites that can rewrite/rebuild our physical forms to match our mental models of ourselves.
PR: Speculative fiction authors have put forth a variety of worlds that meet this criteria to varying degrees. Ann Leckie's Ancillary Justice has an empire/society that uses just one pronoun but is very stratified along class lines. John Scalzi's Lock In was intentionally written such that the protagonist's gender is completely ambiguous to the reader.
[Today’s question was split into two asks, so it is being posted in entirety here]
“It seems to happen every time a widely distributed hurtful opinion piece is published about gender or the trans community that some people in our social communities express support or make other statements which are exclusionary, reprehensible or otherwise harmful. This can be very painful to see due to the content, but also because it is said by someone in a community you otherwise like, that they are spreading this to yet others, and it is frequently uncontested.
It is easy to say one should just remove the person from ones life, but that can't always be done. And being the one to try to contest it takes a lot of energy that people in our situations frequently don't have. In what different ways do you handle these situations?”
(Answers below the cut)
PW: I think it really depends on the individual in question. Some people, I would resort to calm, kind logic to try to turn them around. I tend to try to assume good faith that people are coming from a place of ignorance rather than hate. Real world examples are best here.
Some people I turn off notifications or filter them out so that I don't see their posts.
KDo: I for one have stopped reading my Facebook news feed, and that has improved my life tremendously. I don't mean this to sound flippant, but wow. When I have been getting a steady stream of whatever cultural vomit is going around the 'net at the moment, I do try to speak up to people I otherwise respect about it, because given that I don't have to fight this battle every single day, I generally have the spoons to do it. I don't know if that's helpful, but maybe cis allies could help in this way?
SC: My goal is to develop a social community where we have a social contract to have each other's backs on this sort of thing. So if one person starts saying really hurtful things, it won't just be the trans people who have to speak up to it... Everyone will.
That said, I saw a few work colleagues sharing that article and just ignored them and made a mental note that those particular work colleagues were transphobic. I don't feel confident arguing with professional acquaintances unless they're particularly close.
MH: From my blog, re disagreements over gender, boxes, and personal opinions:
"You do your thang, paint whatever picture you want to present. Conform to a set of standards however loosely or rigidly. I understand some of the reasons you might want to. From my perspective and interpretation, and from experience and a deep, animal-brain part of me - gender paints a box around me that I just don't want to be in.I have always been offended by uninformed assumptions about my personality, preferences, lifestyle, tastes, performance, aspirations, motivations, morals, philosophies, capabilities...
Even harmless ones.
My reaction is my responsibility. If it's an honest mistake, the reasoning majority of my brain does not hold offense, even if it was initially taken. I will "educate" the mistaken party as politely as the situation merits."
And I go on to address when this isn't the case, and it feels willfully hurtful:
"Which means: if a remark, action, or other communicated opinion about my supposed gender makes untrue and unfounded assumptions, and if that communication in some way attempts to put me in a box.... That is an attack on me. And because I am biologically female, it is usually patriarchical and/or condescending, and complete and utter bullshit.
My response ranges in scope in these situations. Sometimes, I overreact. I let the insta-rage take a little too much control and I regret it later. Sometimes, I underreact, leading to further assumptions, remarks, and damage later.
But honestly? I. Seriously. Have no patience for pigeonholing, and with all my heart I just want to say "Get the fuck out." And maybe throw in an armlock, just to fuck with gender norms."
The tricky part is figuring out the motivation behind the hurtful remarks. I try to take in as much context as possible before letting my emotional response kick in, and often give the maker of the remarks at least a little bit of leeway (because I want to believe that people are generally less willfully hurtful than they are ignorant and idiotic at times). Then I try to talk to the person rationally and with an extended hand, to give them the opportunity to voice support and potentially apologize for the hurt. If they still don't get it, I either shrug and leave them alone for the time being, or try to understand where they're coming from and figure out how to proceed from there.
Is transgenderism a valid word to use, or is it offensive? It feels wrong, but I've never seen it used or written about negatively in GNC communities. From context, it always seems to be used as if it is defining a condition. If it is valid to use, how would you define it?
PW: I've never heard it discussed before in "gender circles".The top google hits are from detractors using it to describe transgender individuals in order to denounce them.TL;DR: (Intersectional) Feminism covers transgender rights pretty well. If you want to talk about people who are trans in general, I would use a term like "transgender Individuals"
JL: Relevant:Problematic: "transgenderism"Preferred: noneThis is not a term commonly used by transgender people. This is a term used by anti-transgender activists to dehumanize transgender people and reduce who they are to "a condition." Refer to being transgender instead, or refer to the transgender community. You can also refer to the movement for transgender equality.
ND: If it is trying to be used as a term to describe the "condition" (uuuuugh) of being trans, well, that's no bueno in any case whatsoever.
Do people have recommendations for books/movies/tv series/webcomics/general media that do a good job with portraying non-cisgender characters?
KR: Orange Is The New Black is literally the first piece of media I’ve ever seen that cast a trans woman to play a trans woman. It’s heavy but really good, and also very accurately portrays a lot of realities about incarcerated women’s lives. I honestly can’t recommend it enough
CV: Max Gladstone’s “Full Fathom Five” features a trans woman as the protagonist. I haven’t read it yet (I am a bad fangirl) but everything I’ve heard is good.In Magic: the Gathering, Alesha, Who Smiles at Death, is the first canon trans woman.
PW: Dragon Age: Inquisition (video game) has a trans man character that is done well.The Web Comic Questionable Content has a well done trans woman character.
SJ: I like: O Human Star, I also enjoy Assigned Male
PA: Chaos Life is a web comic by a non-binary person that is semi-autobiographical. I’m not usually into web comics but I like it.
What are some interesting honorifics or forms of address you use for NB/genderqueer people you know in lieu of more traditional gendered forms?
[Answers below the cut]
PA: Well I’m married so I refer to my partner as “spouse”. Plural - “spice” :)
JB: partner works for me & mine, see also terms of endearment and genetics like lover or special friend “person I am Xing”
EM: In our family we use “nibling” as the gender-neutral or gender-unknown version of niece/nephew. Also works as a mass noun for a mixed gender group.
AL: I’ve grown increasingly partial to “sweetie”. It has a less formal tone than “partner”, and says nothing about gender, exclusiveness, or position in a hierarchy.
NM: Romantic: Partner, SO, and “my human.” Though I’ve been known to claim ownership of humans with whom I don’t have a romantic relationship, I at least mention it less in those cases.Other: I’m a big fan of niblings, and prefer “friends” or “distinguished guests” to the more typical “ladies and gentlemen.” Usually, though, I don’t use honorifics of that sort.
HR: I’m fond of ‘darling’. Other terms I’m fond of:'Love’'Dear heart’'Y'all’'Squish’
HC: I use “partner” to refer to a committed romantic partner, though less often for my current primary SO as for my ex-not-husband (we had made what we believed to be a lifelong commitment, with the deliberately choice to never legally marry). Or I just use SO. I refer to my secondary SO as my lover, partly to give him his own distinct term and partly because our relationship is more sexual than romantic, though still based on a foundation of friendship. In the past I used to use the term “my person”, sometimes because “boyfriend” felt silly and other times because I was in an “it’s complicated” that didn’t fit into a tidy box. This unintentionally ended up helping a former cisgay coworker of mine who wanted to talk about his partner but wasn’t ready to come out at work yet. And in EXTREMELY informal occasions I use “bitches” to refer to an assembled group of friends of all genders, but only if I know my audience. As in, “Hey, 'sup bitches?!”
AMB: i have been making a concrete effort ot say 'folks’ instead of 'guys’ because reasons. I refer to my girlfriend as my girlfriend, and people either get it or thing she is a friend who is a girl.
KR: I find myself using terms of endearment as a form of address with loved ones, too–though they tend to vary, because I like creating person-specific terms of endearment. Actually, come to think of it, almost all of the pet names I gravitate towards are gender-neutral, though I never thought about it before!
PW: My spouse and I dislike referring to my spouse as “wife”, it’s very gendered and adds a lot of social baggage to that term. I don’t mind being called “Wife” at all, I like it. I wish there were a better word than spouse, as that feels generic. We do have some made-up words that only apply to us.
Following up on the "my gender is nachos" discussion - it seems like it's more acceptable to assert an absurd gender ("my gender is nachos") than an absurd sexuality (example: "sesquipedaliasexual"). Does the difference here say something about the erasure of complicated gender? Or is the difference because gender is more inward-facing (it's just about you) and sexuality is more outward-facing (it's about how you perceive others)?
[Answers beneath the cut]
PW: To the question: “Why is an absurd gender acceptable and an absurd sexuality not?” I don’t think we have consensus on that. The underlying reason for this attitude comes from language used inside a community vs language used outside a community. My spouse gave me a good term to use: this is a case of “punching up” vs “punching down”.Regarding the sexuality related labels: It was recently explained to me using a term like “geek-sexual” puts “being attracted to geeks” on the same level as that of marginalized groups who have died, been fired, been discriminated against, etc.. So if I am being silly and say “I am unicorn-sexual” to indicate I am a unicorn hunter - I am trivializing the experiences of a marginalized group with something silly - I am “punching down” gay, bi, ace, people…Then we have my ‘gender is nachos’. This is from the Robot Hugs comic. This originates from the Tumblr Blog Gender of the Day/Gender of the Night. Looking at the FAQ for GotD the author states the blog is by-trans-people for-trans-people as way for trans folks to laugh at themselves (and by extension gender roles in society). The author explicitly states that these submissions are for transgender people and not to be used by cisgender people in any way.As such, we have a group of people who feel like it is okay to pick on themselves or to use this sort of language deconstruct gender. These terms also seem to resonate strongly with many non-binary people, there is an element of rebelling against “the gender police”. This is essentially a group claiming these terms and “punching up” at society and feeling empowered.I personally find the use of absurdist genders to be problematic. I really don’t know how to handle a thing that empowers part of one group and punches down other parts of the group. It’s really hard to not have a horizontal aggression there.
SC: I’m also skeptical that it’s actually more acceptable to use absurd gender identities than absurd sexual orientations, for example see these one-to-one comparisons:“My gender is nachos”“I’m sexually attracted to nachos”Neither of these really makes sense, but I can easily imagine comics like Robot Hugs using the latter joke just like they use the former.“My gender is David Bowie”“My sexual orientation is David Bowie”Both of these statements actually kind of make sense and I can easily imagine people who are trying to explain complex aspects of their gender or sexual orientation using either of these sentences. “Im sesquipedali-gender”“I’m sesquipedalisexual”I wouldn’t use either of these, since they fall into the gray area between obvious jokes that (depending on the user) are clearly punching up, like the “nachos” joke, and statements that are actually aiming at conveying real gender- or orientation-related information (like “my gender is David Bowie”).Also, I have said this in other threads, but I want to add here: using “geek-sexual” to mean “I am basically heterosexual, but within my preferred gender, I prefer to date geeks” is definitely appropriative. But if one is using “geek-sexual” to mean “Geek-ness is my #1 dating criterion, and I will consider dating a geek of any gender before I consider dating a non-geek” that could plausibly be seen as a special kind of pansexuality. YMMV.
What are some businesses in your area that you trust to be trans- or NB-friendly, in terms of safely providing traditionally gendered services (e.g. waxing, laser hair removal, pedicures, barbershop haircuts, etc) to people with marginalized gender identities?
[Answers below the cut]
CS: Tropez Salon and Med Spa features friendly, professional staff. Ask them about their internet rates – they offered Dani groupon rates even though she didn’t have a groupon. I’ve been very happy with them so far. Here’s the website, which has the location (it’s in Natick) http://tropezsalonspa.com/home-page/ and the service is laser hair removal. They also do a BUNCH of other stuff.
PW: Doctor: Davis Square Family Practice in Somerville MA, they are poly, trans, queer, friendly.I can give anti-recommendations if you want: Merino Center for Progressive Health in Cambridge. I literally got sent out the door with “we don’t know what to do with you, why not go to fenway.”. (they were nice about it, but it was a big waste of time). Also, she tried to say my ear infection was literally cancer…
HR: I’m located in Greater Boston. These are all places I’ve personally been to or am actively going to.Medical, Pharmacy, Behavioral Health, Dentist: Fenway Community Health Center in Boston, MALaser Hair Removal, Electrolysis, Waxing: A&A Laser, Electrolysis and Skin Care, Newton, MAHair styling: Pure Hair Design, Boston, MA
SC: I’m in DC. We have a really good massage/body work place called Freed, they are very explicitly trans-friendly:http://www.freedbodyworks.com/ They don’t do things like waxing, pedicures, etc. But they do give some good referrals.
DC: Also in the DC area: Alternative Health Associates in Alexandria VA is trans-friendly and has special rates for laser hair removal for trans women, I got mine done there.
HR: I haven’t been, but my SO has been to the Persad center in Pittsburgh, PA.
I've heard some folks eyeroll, or make some noises about the interview, so I'll ask here: Should I listen/watch the Jenner interview, or will it make me angry. I am finding that this week needs to have me preserve as much sanity as I can.
KR: Looks like we had the same thought at the same time! For whatever this is worth, my mother insisted that the interviewer was very respectful and that the discussion helped my father understand trans issues more fully.So, uh, “my mom says it’s cool” I guess? (I didn’t watch it either, though. XD)
KDa: I also didn’t watch it, but Laci Green has a pretty glowing review of it up on her youtube channel.
JL: I watched it, bracing myself, and was pleasantly surprised. There’s plenty of “Trans 101” in it, which I find redundant and often condescending, but there’s a lot of content that blew me away, like discussions of the higher incidence of assault/homicide/suicide among transpeople, and especially transwomen of color.
SC: I’ll second and say the interview itself was great, but will also note that it’s still a very personal interview, not a political one, and that Jenner is still clearly in the process of hashing some things out and doesn’t use commonly preferred language for some things (e.g., referring to themselves as “heterosexual” when discussing attraction to women).
[Today’s question was originally asked on the Facebook forum directly and is too long to go into the ask box, so it is being posted in entirety here]
“I have a question about reclaiming words. In a friend's facebook recently there was a conversation about the word "slut" and how it is used in a highly gendered way that demeans women and is associated with violence against them. There are some people who are trying to reclaim this word, usually in queer or polyamorous or kinky communities. I gather that the general consensus about word reclamation is that it is up to the community a word has been used against to decide to reclaim it. As such there are some people who are very angry about men using this word since it is not theirs to reclaim. But I feel like while women reclaiming it may be able to reduce the violence of it, it will only lose the power of being gendered if men use it as well. Men frequently are averse to being associated with anything feminine so to see some who aren't afraid to use a feminized word, personally I find this encouraging. (I can link to the actual conversations that precipitated this question in a bit - they're public - but I'd like to hear people's thoughts without reading that first, the discussion got pretty heated).”
(Answers below the cut)
MH: It took me a while to understand the process of reclamation, how it could effectively defuse a negative power word. Recently, I've been exploring nonmonogamy, which has led me to this exact topic, and something clicked. Suddenly, I got it. Now, I frequently self describe as a slut, and love the power that this returns to me.
My opinion on the intersection of slur [sic] reclamation and gender is that if it feels applicable, and using it improves your life, then it IS yours to reclaim. I think a certain amount of thought is required beforehand, however. Questions that might be wise to ask oneself are "How has this word been used in relation to me, previously?" "How have I used this word previously?" "How might my adoption of this label be seen by x, y, and z groups of people? Am I ok with that reaction?" "Who might take offense?" "Is this word going to improve my life by reclaiming it?"
By considering different groups' perspectives, one can account for potential conflict in the decision to adopt the term or not.
So, in this case, I would say it's fine for a male-identifying individual to call himself a slut if he does so with self-awareness, and hasn't spent a lot of energy deriding women by calling them sluts.
KDo: Ooooof. This is a tricky one, for me. I've been a fan of the "slut walks" that have been happening recently as a response to rape culture, and I think that that is generally a good development. I would note, however, that the power of the genderedness of this word feels really really important to me. In the past, men who have ever called themselves "sluts" have done so for humor value - usually as a "funny" (because it's about ladies, get it?) way of celebrating their own promiscuity, which, in men, is already celebrated - whereas for women, it is and has been derided and punished, sometimes with death. I don't really think there is a way - at least not yet - for a male-identified person to call themselves a slut that captures what the word has meant, and what women would prefer it to mean once it is reclaimed. It is too much about the historical permission and freedom that men have to have sex, and the restriction and punishment that women face for even wanting it.
KDa: My experience of the reclamation of the word "slut" is that exploring sexuality is important and celebrating sexuality is important. I think it's important to acknowledge that while historically masculine sexuality has been celebrated while feminine sexuality has been shamed, this is a wide generalization and one that can be hurtful. There are communities in which any amount of celebrating sexuality and openly enjoying sex can lead to slutshaming and violence, regardless of gender. Saying that someone cannot explore reclaiming this word that has been used to injure, exclude, or otherwise harm them feels enough like erasure that I, personally, am very uncomfortable with the idea.
It is an important distinction to me that, as a general rule, if someone who identifies as male is being called a "slut" as an insult, it is my experience that the insult is not considered insulting because the male is feminine in any way. It is because they celebrate their sexuality and the person who wishes to insult them does not approve and wishes to shame them and make them feel bad about their openness of their sexuality. There are many ways to insult a man by comparing them to a woman, and I would feel uncomfortable with a man attempting to reclaim those. It is certainly a problem with our culture that a woman is more likely to be shamed for enjoying sexuality than a man is, but that doesn't mean a man cannot be shamed for that and, in some corners of culture, men *are* shamed for it. Anyone who openly enjoys their sexuality is.
I agree with much of what MH said. I think that reclaiming the word is a highly individual experience and one that should not be gatekept based solely on gender. I think it should not be done lightly, and similar to other topics about whether or not something is appropriative, one should ask themselves why they want to do and examine their internal reasons before making the decision.
If I was ever ready to take T with the approval of my therapist, would I still need consent from a parent or legal guardian? I live in New Jersey so I don't know these kinds of laws.
KR: Unfortunately, (at least to my knowledge) none of us can speak with authority about the law in New Jersey. However, several people on this list can point you towards people who can answer that question more easily.I’m not sure where in New Jersey you live, but a good bet might be poking your head into local trans resource centers if there are any near you–Rutgers has a decent list of NJ-based LGBT centers. I also found a decent list of state-wide resources put out by the New Jersey Department of Children and Families, and a list of NJ trans support organizations, which might be able to provide more general help.In terms of a quick answer to your legal question, you can try calling Lambda Legal, which specializes in LGBT legal issues and has their national headquarters in NYC. There’s also a legal organization in NYC, the Transgender Legal Defense Education Fund, that probably would have this information and provides contact information online. The Transgender Law and Policy Institute also has a helpful list of organizations that might be able to help.
Is there an accepted way to talk about a trans person before they transitioned, if their perceived gender at the time is a part of the story? Should one just avoid telling those sorts of stories?
PW: In general, all of these types of questions can be summed up with one answer: "Ask the transgender privately person first". The core of the problem is that you would be outing people for the sake of a story. You are also pointing a sign at the person that says TRANSGENDER PERSON HERE and the story will become about the transgender nature of the person instead of the fun/interesting story you wanted to tell.
SC: I'm in this situation a lot because my first serious relationship was with someone I thought of as male at the time, and this is relevant because I only recently came out and started dating people I saw as women.If I'm talking to someone who actually knows my ex, AND knows she's trans, OR if I'm talking to someone who doesn't know my ex at all, I'll just say "yeah, I did date a woman back in the day but at the time I thought she was a guy." I don't use male pronouns or anything for her even when talking about that period of her life. Other people's preferences may vary so it's good to just ask and confirm.If I'm talking to someone who does know or might meet my ex, I just avoid the story altogether.
My question is about reproduction and being transgender. I sometimes see stories about, say, someone male but AFAB who gives birth, or someone female but AMAB who fathers a kid. Childless myself, but the narratives I know always talk about women feeling much more feminine during pregnancy, and men feeling male pride for their kids, even though all of that is obviously problematic for people who can't have kids. How does physical reproduction vs. gender identity feel when transgender?
PW: I am completely unqualified to answer this personally. I'm childfree. I can give you anecdotes from people I know that are not part of this group though...I do know of someone who stored sperm before having surgery. She wanted to be able to view themselves as a parent rather than a father. I have another friend who AFAB with gender identity as woman complained that she was assaulted by feminine-this and hyper-feminine that as she purchased products and went to services regarding her pregnancy.It is my theory that the "i never felt more feminine" ideal comes from our culture rather than internally - society packages nearly everything regarding motherhood in a hyper-feminine bow.One group in response decided to make masculine maternity clothes for butch women and transgender men: http://butchbaby.co/It is possible to reject societally imposed gender roles based on parenthood - it just takes an active mind to do so.
EM: Being pregnant didn't make me feel particularly feminine, though it did make me feel powerful and kind of geekily awed: my body was doing a THING, it was growing a whole other PERSON. And eventually we sort of had our own Jane Goodall observation thing once she started moving around enough to have behavior.However, almost all books of advice for gestators strongly assume that everybody who could possibly be pregnant is ALL of:-- very femmy (likes makeup and sparkly jewelry and pedicures)-- in a long-term partnership-- with a man-- and both of them are employed and stable enough that time off is just a matter of asking for itThere are plenty of cis women less butch than the extreme who find it offensive; it would be extremely triggering to some trans men. I mostly squinted and ignored the worst stupidness and tried to take the evidence-based information out of themAlso, lactation actually helped me forgive my chesticles somewhat and become more at peace with my topside dysphoria, because they actually have a purpose, a job they can do, instead of simply being horrible intrusive awful things I can't get rid of that make everyone treat me as a woman.
I just got a new psychiatrist today (a regular one not gender specific) and she said she can't really be sure that I'm transgender because I'm only 14. But I have been feeling this way since no younger than 4 and experience undiagnosed dysphoria. Is she right though?
Disclaimer: No one can diagnose you from a Tumblr ask; we can only speak to the general idea about 14 year olds being diagnosed as transgender.So is it true that a 14 year old cannot be considered transgender because of their age?
JL: NOPE.
HR: Since you just started seeing this new psychiatrist, she might understandably be less sure that you’re transgender than you are, but ‘because you’re only 14’ isn’t a very good reason to hold that opinion.I’d refer her to the recent study in the February 2015 issue of Psychological Science by Kristina Olson, Nicholas Eaton and Aidan Key. In summary, it says that the gender identity of transgender children is just as valid and formed as the gender identity of an adult.I’d also remind her that puberty blockers are reversible, if that’s a route you decide to take.I’d suggest giving the relationship between you and your psychiatrist some time to develop. Tell her how you feel, how you’ve been feeling. Tell her about your dysphoria and let her get to know you. Chances are she’ll change her mind. If she doesn’t, and continues to gatekeep you because of your age, then consider talking to your parents about finding someone else to help you (if that’s a safe option for you.).
JR: HR’s comment is absolutely correct, your gender identity is valid and well-formed. I wanted to add, though, that it doesn’t matter what future-you decides. Gender identity can be fluid, and even if you change your mind tomorrow about your gender identity and your dysphoria magically disappears, that doesn’t invalidate your identity or your dysphoria now.
PW: Your therapist is incorrect.Therapists are often scared of treating children and teenagers - especially in some more conservative areas of the country. It can be a daunting thing for them, these are decisions that radically change the rest of your life.So this could be inexperience or fear on the part of your therapist. People transition as teenagers. They are wrong if they imply that this is not allowed. If your therapist is not comfortable with this, you have two options - educate them or find a new one.Here is something to send your therapist:Dr. Norman Spack is an endocrinologist at Boston Children’s hospital, he specializes in hormone treatment and delaying puberty for transgender teenagers people just like you (Incidentally, he was my doctor, and is amazingly nice).Here is his Ted Talk you could send to your therapist. I also know of a mailing list for transgender teens, youth, etc. (They also have separate adult mailing list) You can also check out the AntiJen pages.
