#dear polly

[mirmidones]

ALL THESE TWENTY YEARS TRYING TO FILL THE VOID

As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh by Susan Sontag x || Love Me More by Mitski || I’m Lazy, Reckless, and Addicted to Social Media. Help! by Heather Havrilesky || artwork by @blluish x || The Singing by Kim Addonizio x || My Solo Exchange Diary (Hitori Koukan Nikki) by Kabi Nagata || The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller, trans. by Ruth Ward || Remember My Name by Mitski || artwork by @blluish x || Humpty by Mitski

transcription under the cut

[ID:

1 : "I, in my corner, with my monstrous needs.", underlined in red

2: "I need you to love me more / Love me more, love me more / Love enough to fill me up / Fill me up, fill me full up / I need you to love me more / Love me more, love me more / Love enough to drown it out / Drown it out, drown me out". Dark red text on red background.

3: "You’re exhausted because [highlight-start] you’re looking for love every second of every day, in everything you do. [highlight-end]". Black on white; gray highlight.

4: Photograph of a ceramic sculpture of an anatomical heart. There is a big, roundish hole in its center. The heart is painted red and white to resemble the color of flesh; it darkens nearing the edge of the hole, which are black. The background is black.

5: "I don’t know what I want, only that I’m desperate for it, that I can’t stop asking." . The pic is a screenshot of an indented tumblr textpost, background set in dark mode.

6: It’s a manga comic strip that reads from right to left. It opens with a quadrangular text box: “Every part of me started going cold.”. In the middle of the strip are drawn three scenes of life, which depict a shivering woman with a bob cut (the protagonist) struggling to warm herself up: she hugs herself in a blanket near a heater (1), she bathes in hot water (2), she buries herself under a futon dryer (3). Near each scene there’s written, in order,: “HEATER” (1), “BATH” (2), “FUTON DRYER” (3). Over the third scene, with an arrow pointing to it, there is an additional text that reads: “APPARENTLY, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS…”. The strip closes with another quadrangular text box: “No matter what I did, I couldn’t warm up”. The blanket, the hot water and the futon, all in pink, are the only colored parts of the strip.

7: “It is thus impossible for the grandiose person to cut the tragic link between admiration and love. In his compulsion to repeat [underline-start] he seeks insatiably for admiration, of which he never gets enough because admiration is not the same thing as love. It is only a substitute gratification of the primary needs for respect, understanding, and being taken seriously —needs that have remained unconscious. [underline-end]”. After a line of blank space, the text continues: “ [...]If his success the previous night only serves as the denial of childhood frustrations, then, like every substitute, it can only bring momentary satiation. [underline-start]In fact, true satiation is no longer possible, since the right time for that now lies irrevocably in the past. [underline-end]The former child no longer exists, nor do the former parents. The present parents—if they are”. Black on white.

8: “[highlight-start] I need something bigger than the sky /Hold it in my arms and know it's m

ine [highlight-end] / Just how many stars will I need to hang around me / To finally get somewhere I can be all done / Somewhere like heaven”. Black on white; pink highlight.

9: Photograph of a ceramic sculpture of the nude upper body of a woman. She has pale skin, black length shoulder black hair with bangs and closed eyes. Her expression is one of resignation, sorrow and hopelessness. Like in the heart before, there is a big roundish hole through the middle of her chest. It’s edges are red, though, and the color slowly fades on the skin. It’s the same shade of red of her cheeks (that goes up to her eyes, making her look like she has just finished crying), mouth, nose and chin. The background is black.

10: “I broke what you gave me / But you kept giving more / And I'm sorry for taking / [highlight-start] But I keep wanting more, more, more, oh [highlight-end]”. Black on white; dark gray highlight over white text.

/END ID]

[professionallush]

I get the feeling that every person who writes to Dear Polly secretly wants her response to be “Oh my god what a great letter have you considered being a professional writer??”

[lasalegarce]

Marriage Requires Amnesia

Do I hate my husband? Oh for sure, yes, definitely.

anyways did u guys read this

[beautyscenario]

Jan Ahlgren di Vilhelm Parfumerie e il suo universo olfattivo

Alla scoperta dell’universo olfattivo di Jan Ahlgren creatore del brand di profumi Vilhelm Parfumerie. Gli odori che ama, quelli che odia, quelli senza cui non può vivere… (more…)

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[betchesinpaint]

Very few people tell you anymore that those doubts in your head are part of the noise you hear when you’re alive, full stop. Very few people explain that success rarely happens quickly, and that even if it does, there are still lingering worries and bad days and hours and hours of tedious work involved. There aren’t many inspirational quotes about how discouragement will plague you as you work and that’s just how it feels to work at something difficult. There aren’t many memes reminding you that you won’t get everything you dream of — and that getting everything you dream of might not make you happy anyway, no matter what that constantly scrolling feed of highly curated “best lives” seems to imply.

“It’s Never Been Harder to Be Young” by Heather Havrilesky

I needed to read that today. Patience, help me! 

[probablymaybelline]

There is nothing wrong with you outside of your fixation on what's wrong with you.

From the often oddly psychic Ask Polly

“But I will say this: I’ve had a realization lately that sometimes I’m drawn to people who seem a little MEH about me, and I’m really questioning THAT right now. I’m really noticing how much I enjoy getting stuck in the quicksand of other people’s indifference. And because lately I’ve been singing in the kitchen and dancing and noticing the bright, shiny impulses of my big fucking brain more than usual, I’m struck by how weird it is that I’ve chosen to chase people who are lukewarm about me, and I’ve also — often — chosen not to take big risks or break out of my comfort zone. I’ve chosen to live in a cave for much of my life. 

I lived in a cave because I took my cues from the people who were ambivalent about me instead of taking my cues from the people who loved me like crazy. I lived in a cave because I handed out scoring sheets and asked everyone to score me and then I paid special attention to the NOT VERY SATISFIED CUSTOMERS and ignored the people who said, ‘We love the fuck out of you, five stars, keep up the good work!’”

[constellationsandcombustion]

Almost everyone I know is homesick in some way. We all miss our parents and our childhood homes and a million experiences we can never go through in the same way again.

Heather Havrilesky, Dear Polly

[dearmrsbitch]

August 20, 2015 - Maybe baby.

Dear Polly,

My boyfriend has always been upfront with me about not wanting children. We discussed it once in depth pretty early on in the relationship and we've been together for nearly 12 years now. I always thought I was okay about not having children. It's something I've felt pretty ambiguous about and I definitely haven't had much in the way of maternal feelings in the past.

I'll be 35 this year, and more of my friends and peers have started having kids in the last year or two. I'm realizing that the window for having kids is shutting for me and I am feeling more and more sad about it.

We hadn't talked about it in years, as prior to the last six months or so my feelings hadn't changed much and I knew his hadn't either. He says he feels even more strongly about not having children than he used to, but he is worried I will feel resentful toward him if I feel I want kids and stay in the relationship. He is right this is a risk, as I do sometimes feel resentful about compromises or decisions we've made, like choosing where to live, which has caused problems between us.

I don't want to leave my boyfriend — despite some problems between us. I really love him and he is a great person, funny, supportive, and caring. I see myself getting old with him and for the most part we have a pretty great relationship. But I can't help feeling this real sense of loss that I never expected to feel about having children.

The last couple of years have been hard going for me personally and in my relationship — we moved to a new city after living abroad for a while and I have always struggled to make friends; plus, I hate my job and haven't been able to find a new one. Generally, I feel very unsettled and unsure of what I want from my life — something I am addressing in therapy. I think kids might be one of those things.

I'm torn between wondering if I should leave and risk losing both my relationship and my opportunity to have a child (I don't want to have a child on my own) for the slim possibility of managing to find someone I love to have a child with before my fertile years are over. If I stay, how do I manage the sense of loss and not end up resenting my boyfriend?

Yours,

Unsure What I'll Regret the Most

Dear Unsure,

Let’s discuss you first. 

DO. NOT. HAVE. KIDS. 

Look at your life, okay?  Think about this!  Do I need to give you a smack on the back of your head to get this through your chrome?

If you are ever not 100% completely sure that you want children - the answer is no.  Always no.  Do not trust these stupid parents who say, “Oh, I was unsure, but then little Timmy arrived and I knew.”  They’re lying, okay?  

You’re 35, you should be smarter than this, or at least have had more of a pull towards child bearing at this point.  You’re not happy in your job, you’re a resentful person, you’re conflicted about your living situation and your boyfriend... does any of this say, “Hey, a baby would make it better?”

Let me explain what’s going on in your head right now.  You’re like me, okay?  Afloat, unsure, living where you don’t want to live and doing work you don’t want to do.  Not counting your relationship, you’re not doing so hot.  It’s okay, we’re all not doing so hot right now, but you can work on it.  You can’t work on it if you have a baby dragging behind you.  

Your friends are symbolizing their stability on facebook (amirite?) with baby pics and marriages and you’re looking at them and you don’t feel like an adult next to them, right?  Everyone is moving forward but you?  I mean, you’re not even married and here’s Tina from high school posting up that baby bump photo, or Mandy from office inviting you out for brunch to announce baby #2.  

It fucking sucks, but here’s the thing.  Having a baby isn’t how you attain “adult.”  Your biological clock is coinciding with your friend networks and suddenly, you’re finding yourself at risk of losing your friends to parenthood and you’ll be alone.

Wanna know a way to be really alone?  Get pregnant and watch your boyfriend leave you - because he will.  He’s been upfront and honest with you about not wanting kids, so if you (and you better fucking not) get pregnant on purpose or by “accident” to provoke him into marriage or think it’s gonna help - you are gonna be left alone and stuck with a shit job, surly baby, and now, lots of fun filled court dates where you get to fight on a regular basis over child support amounts because he’s not going to want visitation.  This ain’t the movies, he’s not going to see the baby and fall in love, he’s going to see the baby and think, “Oh great, 18 years of hell and no money.”

So, you have a choice.  Leave your boyfriend who you don’t want to leave and bank on finding another great guy in short order who will commit to you and a baby, or, stay with your boyfriend and maybe get some therapy to work through your issues about your feelings of inadequacy that you think having a baby will negate for you.  

Look, we’re in the same age range.  Mrs. Bitch still feels the pull to have a baby sometimes, even though she doesn’t like kids and she knows all those cute pictures on facebook are one clean moment in a hundred messy ones and that her friends with kids are running ragged all over hell.  But I realize that even if my life never gets better - bringing a kid into it is not only irresponsible, but that it won’t make me happy.  I’ll still have the same job, only now I’ll come home to screaming.  I’ll still live in the same place, only now I have to deal with the schools and a kid who gets attached to it so that leaving won’t be so easy anymore... 

You get where I’m going?

Look, however, the first rule of child bearing is this.  If you’re not 100% confident in your decision, secure, stable, etc.  You’re not ready and you shouldn’t.  

As for regret?  What’s worse?  What never was and what you can romanticize in your mind, or having a kid who resents you?  An angry, upset, resentful adult walking around in this world - this hellhole of a world, btw - unable to get their own job, not living where they want, negotiating a hot crowded planet?  Would you rather be sitting in your nursing home, playing scenarios in your mind, or asking the orderly why your kid hasn’t called again?

Think about it..

Mrs. Bitch