Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #354
I slept through my phone alarm for 23 whole minutes. And since I only gave myself half an hour to get ready to begin with, I ended up needing to get ready for work in record time. I put my hair in a bun and got dressed and got all my stuff together quickly enough that even though I woke at 8:23am, I was out the door and heading to work by 8:40am.
Pretty proud of myself for that, actually. And I made it to work in time, no problem. Still, I wish that the inside of my head didn't look like this for 17 solid minutes:
...Ultimately, no harm done, though.
I guess I must have really been feeling like crud yesterday; it's not like me to sleep through an alarm. Normally, I wake up at least 5 minutes before my alarm goes off. It's very bizarre.
...Oh well.
Aside from doing the usual things like bagging and labeling breads and rolls, I was also tasked with making scones!! Making scones is a lot like making muffins, except you use the big muffin scoop, and kinda just... splorp them onto a baking tray covered in parchment paper. Like this:
...It's harder than it looks. At least for me, anyways. The dough for the scones is kinda tough; even the giant industrial stand mixer has a hard time mixing it together; the dough tends to kinda just clump around the center of the mixing paddle, and you gotta stop the machine and kinda scrumble it around with your hands a little and then restart it. Otherwise, you get a batter that's blue on the outside and not at all mixed on the inside. Funky and unpleasant, for sure.
But still, I try to level off the scoop even with tough dough. It requires a little more strength to do repeatedly than I currently have. But that's all right. Once all the scone dough is plopped onto the baking sheet, you dust the top with sugar...
...The sugar is hard to see, but it's there, I promise! Haha...
I was so tired after filling up a bunch of cookie sheets with these that I didn't even think to take a picture of them after the first set was done baking. I'm sorry about that. But I did remember to grab some salmon after I got done with my shift. I went home and put it away in the fridge for later use; today, I was supposed to meet with a friend that I made on the friend-making app. This will be the second time we've gotten together for bubble tea at Eggcellent! His name is Ja, and he's got a background in psychology and nursing! And he writes books, too!
...I was really glad that he still talks to me and that he still wants to hang out. Most of the people I've met on this app, sadly, decided to bail shortly after figuring out that I have less than zero interest in casual or quick romance or physical intimacy.
...Actually, I feel pretty intense disgust at the idea of getting romantic or sexual with someone I don't know well. It gives me the heebie-jeebies. Like.
...First of all, I'm not entirely sure I even know what romance is. I go watch movies and cuddle and go out to eat with my friends fairly regularly. I'm there to support them and talk to them and help them through their problems. Like... to me, this is all just friend stuff. This isn't reserved for lifepartners, in my head.
As far as physical intimacy goes... I can't do that with someone unless I know them extremely well – well enough to know without a shadow of a doubt that I can accept them for all that they are. It's not about the gratification of the senses, it's not about consuming the other person or about being consumed by them, and it's not about any exchange of power, the way most other people seem to like to do it. In my head, it's a gift – an act of trust, respect, and vulnerability that can only ever be done if I feel 10,000% safe and certain with the other person. It's only after that sense of trust and safety and thorough knowing occurs that I can feel any desire whatsoever to celebrate with worshipful adoration the vessel that allows their soul to hang out with me in this place. And even then, they also have to want that and to want to reciprocate that before I'll want anything to do with it at all.
I have a lot of barriers between me and developing those kinds of feelings for someone. And I like it that way, because it prevents me from getting closely involved with people who seek only to use, exploit, control, or consume, or abuse me. And it prevents me from getting closely involved with people I'm simply not compatible with, too. And both of these are very good things.
Sadly... I've found that I've been being matched with people who seem to think that “polyamorous” is synonymous with “easy to get in the pants of”. And this is despite the disclaimers that I've put up, saying explicitly that it will take at least 6 months of consistent contact with a person (and my mind has to evaluate them as “safe”, “truthful”, and “genuinely kind” by the time those 6 months elapse) before I'll even be vaguely willing to consider the possibility of any kind of close relationship with them. I guess some people consider this boundary as a challenge to be overcome rather than a statement of fact, and it's fucking lame as hell. And as you might surmise, I'm finding that a decent number of people I've “matched” with fall into that category.
This is all just a really long way of saying that, “I'm overjoyed that Ja didn't bail after it became clear that we're definitely not going to boink anytime soon, if ever.” Because literally almost everyone else bailed after they realized that they're not gonna fucking change my mind about the required conditions.
Basically the only way to get into my pants is to begin talking to me and getting to know me without any initial interest in getting in my pants. I feel like if someone is getting to know me while wanting to get into my pants, then they're getting to know me for all the wrong reasons. Their motives become suspect to me, and if their motives are suspect, my brain will immediately evaluate them as “unsafe”, “untruthful”, and “disingenuous”. And once a person gets that evaluation within my head, it's next to impossible to reverse it. I don't trust easily (despite appearances), and once that trust is broken, it's almost impossible to get it back.
Well anyhoot. I got a bubble tea – houjicha with rose syrup, barley bits, tea jelly, sago, and cream cheese foam!! Want some?
We talked about his novel, and his new method of writing it. And we talked about recovery from abuse and the strides we've both made. And then we started talking about the mechanics of cults (abusive family systems and Nazis and the KKK are all cults, or at very least, cult-like). And then J popped by during his break, and we talked some more about cults and possible ways of fostering community for people in cults who wanna not be in cults anymore (lots of humans are literally hard-wired to choose “community” over “morality”, and that's why these things happen...).
Ja does not seem to feel “threatened” by the presence of J in the same way that other friends I've tried to make have. Thank goodness for that. Thank goodness.
J brought me home after Ja had to go to visit another friend, and then J''s break was over and he had to go back to work. I remembered that I hadn't eaten any solid food yet (bubble tea doesn't count), and it was like 3 or 4pm, so I steamed that salmon I got from the grocery store:
...And then I made a bowl of yums while I waited for the salmon to steam!!!
...I wish I could share any of it with you.
Oh!!! And!!! The dirt specifically formulated for pumpkins arrived today!!
...I hope it works really nicely! I think I gotta get some plant gravel before I can transplant it, though; it came with a weird self-watering pot, I guess??? And I guess it needs gravel in order to work, for some reason.
...I have very little experience with growing things. But I still want our pumpkin friend to thrive.
Speaking of which!!! It's getting a 5th leaf!!! Check it out!!!
...I wonder how quickly I'll have to change it to a bigger pot! Hm!!
Oh, and... our garlic friend is really sprouting up nicely, too:
I wonder how they'll look as they get bigger...!!!
...I'm a little worried, though. Apparently, pumpkin roots can get up to 6 feet deep into the ground, and spread out up to 17 feet from the center of the plant. What if I need a really big pot!!! Oh no!!!
...Well. I found this video of a person growing pumpkins in containers outdoors. So maybe it could work indoors, too. Maybe. Here:
...Maybe it could work. But I'm not sure where in my house I'm gonna put it. And I don't know how I'll prevent my cats from chewing on it...
...Spray the leaves with cayenne pepper, maybe...?
...Sephiroth, I have no idea what I'm doing. So wish me luck, okay...?
Well. I suppose that's about all I've got for today. Thanks for listening to my various prattling, haha...
I love you. And I'm cheering for you to grow and thrive, too. So please stay safe out there. Please make good, kind, and loving choices while you're out and about and doing your things.
I'll write again tomorrow.
Your friend, Lumine
