#depressionposting

[3scythes]

man the self esteem about my writing is so low these days I’ll get a kudo and be like “is this a pity kudo”

[goth-automaton]

Fuck, I don't want to say, that I've never been this anxious about getting results of a job interview, BUT. I think I've been. I don't want to say, that I like this job idea and would like to do it, but out of all options this one is seriously the best. I wouldn't hate it. That's a lot. I wouldn't hate it. I hated almost all jobs I've applied to (like, read what they're about and was like "fuck, no... But I have no choice"), but this one? This one's fine. I like the place, I like what I'll have to do, it wouldn't kill me. I'm qualified to do it. I wouldn't be larping someone qualified, nope, I CAN do it. I don't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed, though. Because it always happens. I'm always rejected regardless of qualifications. Of everything. I'm never good enough.

[futurefishy]

[melancholyaxiom]

my daily affirmations

none of this matters and you're going to die one day

you just need to abuse more stimulants

scrolling more will fix your brain

[marimania]

wake up babe, it's winter without you season

[its-alright-were-altogether]

being a system is like peeling layers and layers of rotting flesh back and seeing scurrying maggots underneath that you have to learn to live with. This disorder hurts. More then the alters, the lost time, permanently being stuck in a time period while the world moves on, constant struggling at work/education, struggling with focus, no memory of like anything, I can’t stay in contact with friends because I forget about them, being triggered by fucking EVERYTHING. Amnesia; being held back from my own memories and headspace as the host. The self harming, prescription drug abuse, the eating disorders, alcoholism. Sexual shame and intense hyper-sexuality coexisting. Never being able to live my own life as the host because I have to fucking consider everyone else’s opinions. Struggling with any form of romantic relationships. Feeling like an outsider everywhere. Fucking kill me.

[snorfkle]

maybe this isnt all worth it

maybe im wasting my time. maybe ill never climb back up out of this pit. maybe ill never feel normal again. maybe ill die before i can truly rest. maybe capitalism will kill me. maybe ill fall asleep for so long that everything will turn to dust around me and my name will be forgotten. maybe i should watch my blood well up beneath a blade again and again and again. maybe pain without purpose would cleanse me. maybe ill never be pain free again. maybe ill take the pills ive been saving since after my surgery. maybe ill swallow my heart whole. maybe ill bite into the neck of the next person who treats me like a computer program and shake them until the whole world runs red. maybe ill taste copper and electricity. maybe ill lie unmoving until someone finds me and gets me committed to an institution. maybe ill be hungry for the rest of my life. maybe the rats and cockroaches will chew at my muscle and sinew and maybe i wont notice at all. maybe ill shave my head. maybe ill crash my car. maybe ill pour gasoline on the tiny corner of the world ive begun to carve out for myself and cry sparks until it ignites. maybe im not meant to scrape out a home in this sandpaper world. maybe im unsavable.

[major-fukkup]

Nobody understands and I'm glad nobody understands because that means they didn't have to go through what I did. But why must I be so alone?