To get help and support either getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship, staying out of one, healing from it, or all of the above, a first step is most typically asking for some validation, help and support, and to do that, we have to tell who we’re asking what’s been happening to us. Sometimes, the only way we can get to even just telling ourselves the truth, so that we can start to take any steps, is by telling it to someone else. But it’s hard to tell someone you’ve been in any kind of abusive relationship, and when the abuse has been primarily emotional, it can be extra hard, because people can respond so poorly.
Many people still don’t understand emotional abuse at all, and even when you tell them about it or explain it to them, disbelieve or discredit it, or just don’t get that it tends to create the same kinds of large and lasting impacts that other kinds of abuse do.
Besides the help Scarleteen founder Heather Corinna has provided to people through Scarleteen over the decades, they’ve also had to make disclosures like this themself, have guided people close to them through this process, and have often been the first person people have told. Our hope is that Heather’s experiences they’ve shared in this new series can help people choose who to tell, figure out how to tell in a way that works best for them, how to respond to some commonly crummy reactions as well as some decent ones, and where to go from there.
Continue to read more here: Outspoken: Telling People You've Been Emotionally Abused
Before I get to the question, there’s something I want to touch on that I hope can become a common practice: getting people’s *consent* before opening up to them about our pain. Trauma can complicate things and there may be times when we can’t stop the words from coming out, but for those times when we are able to, it’s important to check in with someone before having discussions with them about serious subject matter. We never know what someone might be going through in their lives, or how our story might trigger them, or how they simply may not be in the right place that day to listen and hold space. Not only does this help us to not negatively impact their wellbeing, but it’s a safety measure for ourselves as well; opening up and talking about our trauma requires making ourselves vulnerable and if we don’t receive the support we need and deserve through that process, it can be retraumatizing. It’s a good practice to ask someone, “Are you in the right mental space to hear this right now?” and to be clear about the type of support you are hoping to receive before talking about your experiences.
Regarding the question posted here, what happened when you first told someone your story? Why did you decide to talk about it? Who did you tell? How did they respond and how did you feel? Please comment below if you are comfortable contributing to the conversation.
So the other day my fiance disclosed to our friend group that we both have herpes. I wasn’t there but he went to dinner with three of our friends. One of them is in pharmacy school and so she understands how common it is. She was talking about how 1/4 people have it, counted the four people sitting there, and then said her husband has it. That’s when my fiance chimed in and said we both have it. And no one made a big deal about it, because it’s not a big deal!
I am tired of disclosing. I tired of living my worst nightmare every day of my life. Most of the time I forget that I have this problem, but when it comes to relationships, it is the only thing I can think about. I am constantly thinking I am one conversation away from losing the person I had just met.
Yeah, I have never had a bad disclosure experience, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I have to disclose in the next few days and my stomach is in knots. I have this horrible feeling it won’t go well, but I am not going to freak out and cut someone off in case it does go well.
I should be worried about graduating college and attending law school, but instead I am nervous as to how a boy will react to something that is completely out of my control.
I get that “if they don’t accept you they’re not the one”, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt to be rejected. I can practice this conversation a million times, and I will still be nervous. I can imagine getting thousands of different responses, but the thought of a negative response always kills me.
It sucks because I think every day that my life could be entirely different if I didn’t have sex, or I could still be negative if I stayed in a relationship that I wasn’t happy in years ago, and I know i shouldn’t be thinking that way. I should be thinking that this is my life now and I have to move on, but when it comes time to tell someone what is going on, I always think unhealthy thoughts.
I try not think of what my life could be like if I was not in the position I am in, but I think about it constantly. I have never been good at dating, and this is not exactly an added bonus. I can preach that it gets easier and that you’ll find the one, but it is hard to follow your own advice sometimes. I just have to keep thinking “if it doesn’t work out, oh well”.
This one’s a gift for @carisi-sonnycarisi! Happy belated birthday :)
Amanda regarded Sonny’s phone where it lay on his desk with narrowed eyes, suggesting that she had read the name there before Sonny had had a chance to reject the call.
Sonny pocketed his phone and met Amanda’s gaze steadily.
“Rafael.” She paused. “… Barba?” Amanda looked dumbfounded. “Barba was your hot date?”
Sonny said nothing. Which apparently spoke volumes.
“Oh my God, you and Barba! That’s actually… Wow. That’s great!” She was fully grinning now, having adequately processed this shocking but not unwelcome information.
Sonny turned to her with surprise.
Amanda clapped him on the back excitedly, “Get it, Carisi!”
Sonny chose to ignore this childish comment. He also decided not to deny it, because lying to Amanda – that was never going to work. And she knew it now, there was no going back. “Uh, so you don’t think it’s weird?”
“Hell yeah I think it’s weird! But I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised. You two are… you two would be good together. I’m sure you are.”
Sonny fought a smile.
“And you’ve been so happy lately. I’ve noticed. You deserve to be happy, Sonny.”
Sonny thought he could almost cry. Instead, he pulled Amanda into a warm hug. “Thanks, Amanda.”
Amanda smiled into his shoulder. “It’s just kinda hard… to think of Barba dating, you know?”
Sonny smirked.
“How long have you been dating Barba?” Amanda asked with a glint in her eye.
“Almost two months.”
“Two months?! I thought it was more recent than that. I can’t believe you didn't tell me about dating Barba for two months.” Amanda stood with her hands on her hips.
She looked as if she was mentally replaying every time she had seen Barba and Sonny together in the past two months, re-evaluating every interaction.
“Well, we haven’t told anyone.”
“Oh.”
“And we’re not going to. Yet.”
“Ah, I see where you’re going with this. Don’t worry, I can keep a secret.”
“Thanks, Amanda.”
“And I still feel honored to know this juicy secret, despite the fact that you didn’t actually tell me.”
“What juicy secret?”
Sonny jumped.
Rafael had suddenly appeared behind them.
Amanda played it completely cool, not even reacting. “I just found out the secret ingredient for Mama Carisi’s vegetable stew. But I can’t tell you, sorry. I’m sworn to secrecy.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, if you really wanna know you’re probably better off cross-examining Carisi than me. I’m not letting this one out easy.”
Sonny shot daggers at her.
Barba cleared his throat. “Uh, okay.”
“Anyway, I was just leaving. Jesse’s sitter should be going home soon.”
“Evening, Detective.” A forced-looking grin was plastered across Barba’s face.
“Evening, Counselor.” Amanda smiled cordially as she buttoned her coat and swept out of the room.
Sonny, again, said nothing.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself.”
“So, what is the secret ingredient for your mom’s vegetable stew?”
“It’s just oregano,” Sonny answered truthfully.
Rafael appeared to ponder this.
“But actually, um, we were talking about something else.”
“Oh? Another juicy secret?”
Sonny looked at Rafael pointedly.
Rafael looked back questioningly.
“She… well, she found out about us. By accident.”
“Oh.”
Rafael didn’t seem angry or horrified.
“Obviously it’s not ideal, but-”
Rafael simply shrugged. “It was bound to happen sooner or later.”
“I… I suppose.”
“Maybe we should think about telling the others.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Why not?”
Sonny could think of a few reasons. Embarrassment. Professional integrity. Rules. A talking-to from the Lieutenant. The fact that they’ve been dating for barely two months and maybe there wasn’t going to be much to tell.
“Um. Are you sure?”
Rafael paused. “Wait, aren’t you sure?”
“Well…”
“I mean, I was planning on sticking around. If you were.” Rafael’s voice had grown soft.
Sonny swallowed, a wave of something unknown threatening to overcome him, and looked at Rafael with awe in his eyes. “Rafael, of course I am.”
“Well, good,” Rafael said, appearing relieved. And happy. He put his arms around Sonny and held him tight.
Sonny smiled at Rafael’s touch, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped in Rafael for a moment before pulling back.
“Does this mean you want to disclose?”
Rafael nodded. “If you’re not ready, though, we can wait.”
“I’m just worried about the Lieutenant.”
“I wouldn’t worry about Liv.”
“Why?” Sonny narrowed his eyes.
“I think she knows. Or at least suspects. I mean, I didn’t tell her. But I think she put two and two together.”
Sonny raised his eyebrows.
“Does that mean she approves? Do you think?”
“If I were to hazard a guess, yes.”
Sonny exhaled in a puff. It appeared he hadn’t been playing it as cool as he thought. Or, perhaps, it was Rafael who hadn’t. That was a better thought.
He smiled. “Then I’m ready.”
“I’ll get the papers tomorrow and we can go over them together before we sign.”
“Good. That means I can do this,” Sonny said as he grabbed Rafael by the collar and kissed him lightly.
“It’s not official yet, but-” Rafael leaned forward and planted a firmer kiss onto Sonny’s lips.
Sonny sighed into the kiss and held Rafael against him. They moved their lips slowly against each other, Rafael’s hand splayed on Sonny’s neck, warm and gentle.
Rafael pulled away with a small smile. Sonny sighed happily. “Obviously, we won’t make squad room make outs a habit, but-”
“After hours privileges,” Sonny grinned. “Come on, let’s go,” he said, grabbing Rafael’s hand.
Rafael took it, grabbing his briefcase and following him like a puppy before closing the distance. He gave Sonny a playful shoulder check. Rafael couldn’t stop smiling. He was smitten.
And Sonny could get used to smiling openly at Rafael in the squad room without worrying about looking smitten.
As they walked out of the precinct, hand in hand, Sonny tapped out a message to Amanda before dropping his phone back into his pocket.
