The awkward experience of having a soul full of creativity and passion, but being in a permanent state of dissociation.. I know I have good ideas, but my mind just would not cooperate enough to make it make sense the way I want it to!
I swear my works are deep and full of feelings. *gripping you by the shoulders* You just. You just have to get The Vibes. *hands trembling* I don't entirely understand The Vibes, either. I wish I could understand them. I really fucking wish I could understand them. But believe me, they are there and they are beautiful. *tearing up* Okay?
I hate dissociating, I hate not being in control. Yeah, its nice to talk to everyone but I get shut out all the time
I went to family therapy cause my guardian and I have been fighting really bad. I dont remember a single fucking thing. I dont know what happened and nobody will tell me. Its so tiring to not know
Its so fucking hard and im over it
Im glad they're trying to protect me, but I wish they could at least tell me what the fuck is going on. I dont want to keep living in the back of my head not knowing shit
CW: mention of abuse, anxiety, depression and ptsd. suicidal thoughts (not explisit) mention of war (in Ukraine)
I'm 17 and I haven't felt real since I was around 7 years old, probably even earlier.
As a child it was way easier to not notice, but then my life got worse and so did the disasosiation. It's impostible to ignore now.
It used to help me in my worst moments, it was like I was skipping over all the traumatic events. My memory erased everything bad that has happened to me, leaving behind faded memories. It was great, in a way, it made life more bearable.
Now I'm 17, I struggle with depression, anxiety and have PTSD. I don't remember how it is to feel real. My therapist claims the disosiation is the result of constant stress and that the new meds he gave me will ease my depression adn anxiety and that is supposed to get rid of the disasosiation. I don't belive him. I'm suffering. I don't see the point of going further in life, trying to achive anything. I can't pretend that any of that matters anymore. This is a dream turned nightmare and I'm just waiting for it to end. I want to lay down in some field and just let my body rot away.
The meds aren't working. They are helping with the depression, I got better mood and more energy, but they aren't doing anything against disosiation. I don't know if they ever will.
I have to go to college in a few weeks. New school, new teachers, new classmates, new subjects and all of that in a new language that I'm still not fluent in. I will have to put effort in my education now. I won't be able to stay at home and just rot in my bedroom, if I miss too many classes I'll have to repeat the year and I'm already one year behind. I can't dissapoint my foster family. I can't be useless. They've waisted so much time on me, I can't fail now.
I'm Ukrainian and I have escaped the war and what I'm about to say is bad, but I wish a bomb fell on my house and killed me back then. Life would've been so much easier. It would've been over before I fully realized how messed up my mom is and how traumatized I actually am. It would've been over before I got a chance to get better. I don't want to be better. I want this to be over, but I'm too much of a pussy to end it myself. I'm horrified of death yet I long for it.
Dissociative Identity Disorder isn’t just mind-wandering—it’s a complex tapestry of fragmented identities, memory gaps, and shifting realities rooted deeply in trauma .
This workbook—Dissociative Identity Disorder Workbook—Practical Worksheets Inspired by CBT . EMDR .—brings structured, compassionate tools designed to gently explore, understand, and integrate those separated parts.
before this workbook:
identity gaps felt confusing, frightening, and isolating
communication among alters was non‑existent, leading to crisis points and fragmentation
coping felt chaotic—talk therapy alone didn’t provide enough structure
now:
shifting awareness toward internal states and triggers
safe communication channels emerging through guided prompts
newfound clarity in remembering and connecting even between switches
a path toward integration—not by forcing unity, but by weaving together compassion, awareness, and self‑coherence
So i guess we're planning to talk to our therapist about dissociation Monday. If we remember, that is. The main point is that it's gotten really really bad and we can't function normally. As well as the apparent appearance of alters (that don't front and just stay in headspace). I (the host? i guess) am trying just to hype ourselves up to do it. um any help would be appreciated :0.
